My whole body shook with anxiety, an uncomfortable lump forming in the back of my throat. What was wrong with me? It’s Tiffany, I’ve seen her and talked to her and even slept in the same bed as her.

              While I questioned my body’s reaction, in reality, I knew exactly why this was happening: it was my first time, since admitting to myself my crush on Tiffany, seeing her, in person or otherwise. My fear of facing her and knowing my feelings towards her caused me to shy away from all forms of direct contact with her the last two days: what if I accidentally spoke aloud my thoughts and confessed to her while still unprepared? What if Tiffany just somehow read my mind from the way I reacted to her or my facial expressions and started acting more distant because of it?

              The reason I brought myself here, situated directly outside of Tiffany’s apartment, was partially due to Hayeon’s encouragement, partially because of my feeling of guilt for having avoided face-to-face contact with Tiffany for the last few days, and partially from Tiffany having expressed her sadness to me yesterday of ‘not having seen my cute face for so long’. Even over the phone, she refused to stop teasing me.

              Just be mindful of what your mouth is doing at all times, Taeyeon. Just try to be normal; being flustered is ok since that happened all the time, even before two days ago.

              I breathed deeply one last time before firmly knocking on her door, not giving myself any more chances to run away. However, whether it was due to my nervousness that caused time to feel stretched out or because Tiffany was presently unprepared for guests, a good few minutes had passed before Tiffany’s voice came from the other side of the door. “Taeyeon? What are you doing here?”

              The breathless nature of her voice indicated to me that she was either working out (an image of which inevitable creeped into my mind that I expelled as quickly as I could) or that she was in a rush, the surprised edge in her voice on top of her refusal to open the door telling me it was the latter.

              “Didn’t you miss me?” I said as planned, lacing my voice with aegyo.

              “Yes, but I’m not ready yet,” she said in a rushed voice, “I’ll unlock the door, but wait for a few seconds before opening the door, ok? I need to do my makeup and everything.”

              “Wait!” I said quickly, grabbing the door handle of the still closed door. My mind raced, looking for the words I had planned in this situation, somehow already drawing blanks. “Fany, you shouldn’t—you don’t need to—I mean, I didn’t come to verify that you’re pretty. I came because I wanted to see you.”

              My heart burst into a sporadic pulse, horrified at what I had just said. That wasn’t my ‘normal’ personality, not by a long shot. This cheesy, flirty stuff was Tiffany’s domain. Surely Tiffany would notice this and become suspicious of me. Right? Well, maybe she wouldn’t notice if she was as panicked as she sounded.

              The door slowly slid open, revealing a disheveled Tiffany, donning a cute loose, pink pajama outfit. She tried for a grin, stepping to the side and letting me in. I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful her bare-faced smile still was, proceeding to do everything in my power to not blush at the thought.

              “You’re no fair Taeyeon, I don’t even look like a woman compared to how angelic you look,” she pouted in an incredibly cute fashion.

              “I-I don’t look like an angel,” I scoffed, suddenly self-conscious of the amount of makeup I had done. I would never admit this to Tiffany, but compared the other days, I had more makeup today than most other days. I tried to make it as natural as possible, but I guess nothing got past her.

              “I’m sorry, but do you mind waiting in my living room for a bit? You can watch the TV, I just need to do my makeup first,” she said, unwilling to face me.

              “Let me help you!” If there was one thing I was confident in myself in, it was makeup. “You have work in a few hours, right? Do you normally just put on your makeup right before going?”

              Tiffany shook her head, complacent in my joining her in her bathroom. “I just woke up, actually.” A snicker escaped my lips before I could stop myself.

              “Sorry,” I said, trying to pass it off. Unfortunately, Tiffany seemed to notice it.

              “I can sleep until noon, can’t I? I’m allowed to, right?” Her inquires, while challenging, were spoken in a playful manner.

              “Yes, you are; do you have a chair or something to sit down in?”

              “I’ll go get one,” she replied, leaving quickly and returning with the same haste, chair in hand.

              “Ok,” I murmured to myself, quickly associating myself to her makeup palette. “Do you want to do what you usually do?”

              “Hm? Oh, do you know what I usually do?”

              My body seized up in panic again. Wait, was this natural? I mean, for someone especially observant, something as simple as noticing the kind of makeup style a friend does is nothing special, right? Could I just pass it off as that, or would that seem too convenient?

              “W-Well, I mean, I-I, um, I spend a lot of time with you, and I also am good at—I mean, I’ve spent a lot of time experimenting with makeup and learning about it,” I stammered, “I mean, it’s not like I was staring at you or very closely paying attention to that—I mean, I was, but—”

              Tiffany reached back and tenderly placed a hand over my own, which was resting on the backrest of the chair she was sitting on. “You’re cute, Taeyeon. I’m flattered, go ahead,” she said gently, smiling into the mirror at me.

              I nodded wordlessly, grabbing the foundation first.

              “Oh, and can you do me a favor?” she said just as I was about to apply it to her face.

              “Yeah, of course.”

              “Could you do makeup to my s and legs too?”

              My hand slipped, nearly causing me to drop the utensils in my hands. “Wh-What?” I stammered, mind racing with images of doing as Tiffany suggested. Tiffany turned her head to me, smiling innocently. “You don’t—it’s not—what, why?”

              “Doesn’t hurt to ask, right?” she shrugged causally, as if what she just said wasn’t as preposterous as it was.

              “I don’t know how to do that,” I provided as an excuse, once again retreating from her teasing. If I was to ‘pursue’ Tiffany, shouldn’t I be using this to my advantage? Would it be too obvious?

              Well, Tiffany teasing of me is partnered with an expectation that I back away. It’s not like she actually expected—or wanted—what she says to actually happen. If I took her words seriously, I would just be someone who can’t distinguish a joke from a request. But even with that justification, I wondered if I was just making excuses for myself.

              We didn’t speak much while I did her makeup, probably because I turned my absolute attention to it. According to Jessica, I had this easily distinguishable facial expression when I focused really hard on something, so Tiffany probably noticed this too and was content with sitting in the comfortable silence.

              “Ok, done,” I muttered, looking at my work with a critical eye. I smiled, satisfied; however, for some reason, I didn’t expect her to smile back.

              “Thanks, TaeTae!” she beamed.

              “No problem,” I replied quietly, moving away to hide my suddenly pink face, my heart skipping a few beats. What was wrong with me? It’s not like I’ve never seen Tiffany smile at me before. Was it because I was aware of my crush on her? “Um, have you eaten yet?”

              “No, I just woke up, remember?” she giggled, standing up after me and grabbing the chair.

              “Oh, I’ll cook for you then,” I said, shuffling into the kitchen. Tiffany followed suit, putting the chair back down at the dining table.

              “I’ll help,” she bounced to my side as I peered into her refrigerator.

              “No no, it’s ok,” I shooed her away, pulling out the side dishes she had stored in plastic containers. “You just sit there and look pretty.”

              Admittedly, that was one of the lines I had prepared before coming here; it was also my intention to come here and cook lunch for her, but actually doing these things made me nervous, for some reason.

              So when I felt Tiffany’s arms come around my sides, I let out a shrill yelp, jumping inside my skin.

              “Hehe, you’re cute Taeyeon,” she said again, slipping an apron over my head and securing it around my waist, tying it behind my back. “I missed you a lot,” she told me, resting her chin on my right shoulder, wrapping her arms back around my waist again, this time into a hug.

              I jumped again, although not as much this time; I tried to ignore the proximity of her face to mine, the light puff of her breath on my cheek, and her s pressed against my back, but it was really, really hard to do. I continued cutting up the vegetables, hoping that she couldn’t see my red face.

              “It’s only been four days,” I commented, trying to keep my voice steady as possible.

              “That’s a long time,” she whined, nuzzling my neck with her silky hair, “four days without my happiness is too long.”

              “What do you mean ‘your happiness’?” I chuckled nervously, feeling my lungs constrict bit by bit.

              “I mean you, of course,” she replied simply.

              My cheeks flared even hotter, which I discovered was possible. This was not going as I planned at all, and Tiffany’s teasing definitely didn’t help. In my head, I asserted myself as the dominant one with Tiffany being the one blushing and fumbling; despite knowing how unrealistic that was, I didn’t realize there would be this much of a discrepancy between fantasy and real life.

              “Fany, I can’t cook if you’re back-hugging me,” I told her. She gave a brief whine before releasing me; I breathed a sigh of relief, the vice grip on my lungs finally dissipated.

              “How are your parents?” Tiffany asked a brief moment later.

              “Oh, they’re really well! They told me that their work was actually what brought them home, but they wouldn’t really tell me why. I mean, I can’t blame them because of the nature of their job, but I’m just happy that they’re back home.”

              Our conversation continued all the way until I finished cooking.

              Tiffany, having already set the table with two bowls of rice and chopsticks, the side dishes laid out in a neat fashion, sat in the chair opposite of the stove.

              “Oh, I already ate,” I told her, taking my seat, “I’ll sit here and keep you company, though.”

              “There’s nothing wrong with a second lunch,” she said, motioning to the bowl in front of me.

              “I’m full,” I waved her off, “I can’t eat much more. Watching you eat will be my meal.”

              Tiffany snickered at that. “Wow, I didn’t know you could be cheesy,” she said.

              Those words paralyzed me. That was one of my prepared lines, but was it too obvious? Would she figure out?

              By the time I mustered the courage to observe her reaction, Tiffany was already digging in. When she noticed my gaze on her, she smiled, swallowing before saying, “It’s really good, Taeyeon.”

              “That’s good, I’m glad,” I nodded, relieved that she didn’t seem to catch on.

              After a moment of silence, my thoughts started drifting to my original intention behind coming here. Telling her as soon as possible was preferable but doing it too soon might be bad. In fact, should I even be telling her today? I told myself to tell her today, if possible, but really, there wasn’t a need to rush, right? I had a few more months before I had to go back to America.

              But on the other hand, if I keep on delaying, then will I be saying ‘tomorrow’ until I’m on the airplane back to America? There was no guarantee Tiffany won’t be in a relationship if I come back to Korea next summer either, not to mention having to spend an entire semester or two with that ‘what if’ stuck in the back of my mind.

              “What’s wrong, Tae? Do I have something on my face?”

              I blinked, only now realizing that I was staring at her while deep in thought. I moved my hand away from my mouth, a habit I recently forced upon myself whenever I started thinking. “Oh, no, that’s not it, sorry,” I said.

              “What were you thinking about?”

              “Um …”

              “Were you thinking about me?”

              I opened my mouth to reply but closed it upon suddenly remembering Tiffany’s philosophy towards liars. Could this be considered a big deal? I probably shouldn’t even risk it and tell her the truth. I could just say ‘yes, I was’.

              But if I did that, then what would I do if she presses further? But then again, why would she? Was she the type of person to do that?

              “Wait, was I actually right?” she inquired.

              “Um…” I tried to stall, still debating what to say in my head. I mean, I should just tell her the truth for now, right? I can deal with her response after she replies. But then again, what if I’m put into another situation like this? Stalling this much has to be suspicious, though; I should just tell her the truth and deal with her response as it comes. “Um, truthfully, yeah…”

              Tiffany broke out into a joyous laugh. “Oh my god Taeyeon, you’re so cute!” she squealed, moving her chair, along with her bowl and chopsticks, next to me. “What about me were you thinking about, then?”

              Well, I couldn’t say I didn’t expect this; there was no way I was prepared to just confess to her right now … but would Tiffany really receive it poorly? I mean, our friendship wouldn’t just end if I did that, right? Surely Tiffany knew the way she acted would inevitably lead people on; would she then distance herself from me upon learning that I actually got attached to her?

              But in the case that she did, what would I do? I held back a sigh, shaking my head at myself. I shouldn’t be such a coward. I should just tell her, but I just … couldn’t. It felt too daunting a task. Actually, it wasn’t even a task: it was saying a few words.

              I glanced to my side to see Tiffany patiently sitting there, smiling warmly at me; and although the burden of my thoughts still weighed upon me, her smile severely lessened the load.

              That then got me thinking: what would it be like to be able to wake up and see that smile? Or feel her back-hug me as she did just now when I’m cooking for her? How about just being able to live with her? If I don’t tell her, then the chance of that happening is zero, whereas I still have a chance, however small it was, if I just spoke up.

              “Um…” I started, but immediately stopped. At this point, my heart was racing so quickly that I was afraid Tiffany would hear it. I clenched my fists and swallowed my saliva. “It was about…” No, that’s not the way to say it. “I was thinking about…” no, not that either. Was I supposed to just say it directly? No, that’s too sudden. “Um…”

              “Taeyeon,” Tiffany interjected, delicately placing a hand on my knee. “You can just tell me. Has something been bothering you? Do you want my help with something?”

              I took another deep breath. , this was seriously hard … this actually, sincerely, was seriously impossible. Wait, did I just use the same adjective twice in a row?

              No, stop getting sidetracked, Taeyeon. Just tell her. “It’s not something that was bothering me—well, I mean, it was, and still is, but it’s not like a bad type of bothering.” I cursed at myself for being unable to stop myself from stammering. I even practiced confessing in my bathroom mirror hundreds of times; why was this still happening? Not even my finals were this hard. “I mean—ok, sorry, I’m not even making—I mean, I just …” Tiffany placed her soft hand on my cheek, and as if by magic, my nervousness and anxiety drained out through her hand, as if it was the magnet that attracted negative emotions.

              “You don’t have to be nervous around me, Tae. I’m here for you.”

              “Tiffany, I—I…” but the words were stuck in my throat, lodged right at the back of my tongue. Come on Taeyeon, say it. “I think—um, I think I’m in love with you.”

              I looked at her, my eyes widening in horror; I sat there, petrified, as the words poured out of my mouth. That wasn’t my intention at all; I was supposed to say ‘crush’, not ‘love’. I didn’t dare open my mouth again, Tiffany sitting in her seat, likewise petrified.

              I had an expectation of what would happen, a best-case scenario: Tiffany would look surprised, and her smile would gradually grow wider as she realized what I said. I would be sitting or standing there confidently, accepting her embrace as she tackled me. This is not what happened, not even by a long shot.

              For the longest few seconds of my life, I observed her petrified expression in horror, my heart sinking lower and deeper inside my chest. Was this it? Was she going to reject me? My head was swirling with such thoughts, and that terrible feeling, like someone had stolen all the oxygen in my lungs, like someone reached an invisible hand inside my chest and squeezed my heart, aded my entire body.

              However, what happened next greatly confused me. Tiffany proceeded to then shake her head violently, like she was trying to get something out of her hair. “No no no,” I heard her mutter to herself, pinching the skin on her hand multiple times, increasing to such an intensity that I grimaced, watching her create red marks on the back of her beautiful hand.

              “Ehm, Tiffany?” I tentatively spoke out of my concern for her. Did she feel so sorry for having to reject me that I induced a panic attack inside her?

              Tiffany stared at her hand for a second, first quizzically then triumphantly. When her smile returned, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, the negative emotions once again draining out of my system.

              “I’m not dreaming, I guess,” she said hesitantly, reaching over to me and grabbing my hand.

              “What?”

              “Taeyeon, may I kiss you?”

              “Wh-What?” I stammered, suddenly finding myself unable to move. “K-Kiss? You m-mean,” my eyes inevitably landed on her lips, and that only made my face more red. “Y-You mean, t-th-there?!” she simply continued smiling. “I-I don’t—um, I haven’t done my first—”

              Tiffany interrupted me when she cupped my face with her hands. It was incredible, truly; her touch had a healing effect to me, like it was blessed with the ability to calm my raging emotions and dizzying thoughts. She was laughing, and she was also leaning towards me. At that point, my eyes were fixated on her lips; I couldn’t move them away even if I tried to, it felt like.

              As she neared me, I felt my head begin to spin. I couldn’t focus properly, I couldn’t think properly, I couldn’t even see properly. “Thank you,” I thought I heard Tiffany say, being so lightheaded as to lose the ability to discern exact words. Shortly after, the gap closed, and her lips touched mine.

Oh , there it is!

What was with Tiffany though? Apparently, she had dreams or something about … what?

Hm … what did everyone think about the chapter?

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And as always, hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading!