Title : Drown
Characters : You as Kang Yerin X Kim Taehyung (V)
Genre : Angst
Based On : Island by SVRCINA

“I cannot have you without drowning…”

XXXXX

“That’s all for today. Have a safe trip back home,” With that, you finally freed from your overtime. You sacrificed the whole night to prepare for today’s presentation. You cleaned your messy work station and sometimes you’ll stop to bow at your superiors. Without wasting any second, you sauntered out from the company’s building.

“Yerin,” You spun around when someone called for you. You widened your eyes when you realized who’s standing before you.

“Jimin-ah..” Your lips muttered that name half-soundly. A small smile crept up and you stepped nearer. A short silence came hovered both of you. It’s been three years since you last met him.

“It’s been awhile, Yerin,” He suddenly said caused you to jumped a little.

Awkwardly, you replied, “Yeah.. You grew taller!” You pointed out his changes and that brought him to smile.

“Hawon didn’t like me grew taller. She’ll looks shorter if I grow few centimeters, that what she said,” Jimin chuckled at the thought of his small girlfriend.

“I missed her,” You said.

“She’s coming,”

“When?”

“NOW!” You felt a pair of arms suddenly went towards your front from your back and hugged you.

“Hawon!” You cried out. You turned to her and hugged her back.

“Oooh, you grew taller too!” Instead of receiving a ‘thanks’, Hawon pouted at you. You gave her a ‘what’ look.

“Liar. You said that everytime you meet me. You never change your tactic!” She started to whine. You laughed it off, knowing you have been busted.

“Urm.. Jimin,” You looked at Jimin who was just walking around with small steps. He lifted his brows while answering ‘hm?’.

“How’s Taehyung?” You don’t know why but you suddenly thought about him. Jimin opened his lips but nothing comes out. You waited him to say something but then,

“Unnie, let’s grab a coffee! I missed you so much!” Hawon grabbed your arm and cheerfully suggested. Your attention on Jimin distracted right away and you focused on Hawon.

“Sure,” You patted Hawon’s head and slung your arms around her shoulders. Both of you headed towards the nearest café. You didn’t realize that Jimin was staring at you as you’re walking away.

XXXXX

Day after day, month after month, Christmas came. Your life isn’t as dull as before since Hawon always met up with you these days. BUT!

That petty boss of yours wanted you to be at the company right away after Christmas. Well, your life does seem to be very dull sometimes.

“Unnie~” Hawon rushed towards you as soon as you stepped out from the company’s building.

“Wah.. You’re here, again,” You joked while making annoyed face. Hawon turned his back on you, crossing her arms.

“Fine, I won’t come again,” She was going to walk away when your phone rang. Hawon turned to you and she wore her puzzled expression. You were just staring holes through the screen instead of answering it. Hawon stood on her toes to take a peek and she froze.

‘ALARM : TAETAE’S BIRTHDAY!’

“You still… put his birthday on alarm…?” You snapped out from your thoughts and turned your gaze to Hawon while putting away your phone.

“Ahh.. I- I forgot! I’ve been really busy nowadays and it’s such a nuisance to go through my planner and cancel that alarm, right? And, and-,”

“Unnie, it’s been three years. What about the other two times the alarm went off? Why won’t you delete it?” Cheerful Hawon faded and here she is, the serious and matured Hawon. You bite your lower lips, trying to find a good reason. But you knew and Hawon also knew that you can’t.

Hawon let down her arms and pulled out her phone. She tapped on her speed dial and makes a call. You were still feeling nervous about the fact that you were busted.

“Oppa. It’s time,”

“It’s doesn’t matter. Let’s meet up there,”

“Unnie will know sooner or later. I’ll bring her along so you just be there,”

“We’ll be there in an hour,”

You were left dumbfounded by her conversation. Who will she meet in an hour? Why Hawon would bring you along? The most important thing is…. what should you know?

XXXXX

“Why you bring her here?”

“Honey, stop it. Yerin, it’s been a long time,” You awkwardly bowed at Taehyung’s parents along with Jimin and Hawon.

“Please, come in,” Taehyung’s father pulled her wife along and went into the house. Your bitter smile faded and you turned to Hawon.

“What you thinking you are doing?” You asked, almost screaming. Jimin whispered something to Hawon and she nodded before he went in first.

“Unnie, can you just follow us? I know we are going to against his wish but…,”

“Whose wish?”

“Taehyung oppa,”

Immediately, your lips were sealed.  Silently, you sauntered into the house.

As soon as you stepped in, your heart clenched at the sight of Taehyung’s shoes arranged nicely on the shoe rack even the sneaker that you gave also there. But what came into your mind is why the shoes were dusty? As if no one ever wear it for a long time.

“Unnie,” You darted your gaze to Hawon and blinked. She got a hold of your wrist and led you inside. You took a quick glance back onto the shoes.

“Did he really abandon my gift?” That’s your thought.

You stopped infront of a room at the end of the hallway. You eyed the door and you recognized it right away.

“Is he.. inside?” You muttered softly. Hawon gazed at you and nodded.

“Of course,” She said before she turned the knob with her free hand.

“No! I don’t want to go in. What if he hates me?” You lied. You want to go in and meet him. You don’t care if he hated you.

You felt Hawon’s grip tightened as if she wanted me to stop my denying.

“Come on. He’s waiting for you,” You widened your eyes in shock. Really?

The door makes some creaking sounds as Hawon pushed it slowly. Strong scents rushed into my nose right away. Wait, you recognized this smell.

You’ve been to the temple several times.

You panicked and your face said it all.

No way.

Hawon pushed the door wider, revealing Taehyung’s parents kneeling in front of Taehyung. You froze there, literally, physically, mentally, everything.

You can’t believe your sight. Your body gave up on you when you just let your body sank onto the floor, making a loud thud sound.

Jimin stood up from his sit and quickly rushed his way towards you. He lifted you up by holding your shoulders tight. Your face turned red. Really red.

“Just cry,” Jimin whispered. You bit your lips and shook hard.

“Not now. I should pay my respect... right? Where’s my manners?” You questioned yourself. You dragged your legs towards the altar and stared holes at Taehyung. He smiled warmly in that portrait or can you say, funeral portrait.

XXXXX

You can’t lift your head. You didn’t move even an inch. Jimin turned at Hawon and make some eye contacts with her. They just talked with their gazes. No one dared to break the silence.

“Mrs. Kim,” You spoke. Both of Taehyung’s parents set their gazes at you. You balled your fist and you noticed that a drop of tear fell on your hand.

“Can you tell me… What happened?” You asked. Mr. Kim breathed out heavily so did Mrs. Kim. Mrs. Kim stood up right away. You looked up straight into her eyes.

“You’re such a shameless person. You’re living so well yet you don’t know what happened. I don’t what came into Taehyung’s mind,” She said that all at your face. She walked away, leaving you dumbfounded but feeling guilty at the same time.

“How’s your body doing? You’re recovering well right?” You gasped at Mr. Kim’s question. You immediately looked at Mr. Kim.

“How did you…”

“Of course I know. My son cared so much about you,”

Your heart almost stopped. He knew?!

(Flashbacks)

            “6 months?!”

“Yes. We need a donor fast,”

“Then, please... Please find it! I can’t live without my daughter! What about me?! Can I just donor my heart?”

“I’m sorry but, you can’t. For heart surgery, it’s better to have a brain-dead patient. There’s no guardian who are willing to give up on their family for the surgery at the moment. I’m truly sorry,”

“But-BUT! This is… Okay, what will her facing from now on?”

“Same as always but it could be more severe. If her heart became weaker, she’ll need to be admit here and wear a life support until we get a donor,”

“But she already lived her entire childhood with wires and life support! Can she just stay home?”

“But ma’am, we need to give her an intensive care. Anything can happen. We can predict the time period but please aware that it’s only a prediction. Life, death, it’s all in God’s hands,”

You shut your eyes while leaning your back onto the doctor’s office’s door. You have no strength in your legs caused you to sank onto the floor weakly. Your hand makes its way onto your chest area and you grasped the hospital gown.

“Taehyung-ah… I’m sorry for leaving you.. This heart.. I shouldn’t have given this heart to you in the first place,” Tears escaped from your eyes, frustratingly thumping your fist onto your chest.

(End of flashbacks)

“He told us too,” Jimin revealed another secret. Hawon avoided your hard stares on them. You bite your lower lips in frustration. He knew it already. His parents, even his best friend. Is he mocking me for leaving him?

“Here,” You gazed back to Mr. Kim and then to an envelope on the table. You reached it and observed your name on it. You noticed that the envelope was already torn off.

“I’m sorry that we read it. I accidentally tore it open along with other letter. Sorry,” Mr. Kim explained.

“I’m sure he wanted to keep this from you forever but at the time we notice that you still have your love for him, I think it is the right time to tell you this,” He added. You can’t describe your feelings at the moments. It messed up; same goes for your mind.

“Our task is done. We’ll just leave first. Thank you for inviting us, Mr. Kim,” Hawon stood on her feet, bowed and went out along with Jimin.

“He caught in a big accident. He called me few minutes before that tragedy happens. He was drunk. He was sputtering nonsense as if he’s in other world. Well, that what makes Kim Taehyung, Kim Taehyung don’t you think?” A small smile crept up his lips. Your face was expressionless.

“The doctor saved his from the death, but unfortunately the post effect was severe. We felt like our heart was shredded into pieces when the doctor said he’ll be using the machines in his entire life. He was.. What is it called… Brain…”

“Brain-dead?”

“Yes, yes. That’s it. So he can’t live like a normal person. But I know you weren’t living like a normal person too,” You hung your head lower than before.

“Can I go to his room once again?”

Mr. Kim stepped out from the room before shutting the door. You looked around the room. His bed, his desk, his television, his books, his closet, everything stayed the same as the last time you came here. You landed on the edge of his bed and opened the envelope right away. Before you open the fold of the paper, you turned at Taehyung’s funeral portrait once again.

You took a deep breath and with that, you read his writing.

‘Yerin-ah,

I don’t know how many times I wrote this kind of letter. Is this the last one? I always ask that.

How are you? I’m so dumb to ask that. You’re suffering alone while putting that beautiful smile of yours. You’re suffering while walking with those weak legs of yours just to go on a date with me. You’re suffering while buying me gifts instead of getting treatments. You’re suffering while making me lunch boxes when you’re not even eating well. You’re suffering alone and I don’t even know that. I’m sorry Yerin-ah. I’m not good enough for you.

I’m sorry that I didn’t act earlier. I’m sorry I didn’t show my concerns well. I’m sorry I didn’t do well for you.

When you ask for a breakup, I can’t help but to just let you walk away from me that night. I can’t move myself to tell you that I can be with you. You don’t have to worry about me getting hurt for an unsure promise that you’ll stay alive. I will stay with you no matter what happens. I’ll do everything so you can live like a normal person for once even it cost my own heart. I want to say that. Sorry, I didn’t.

If I need to choose between myself and you, I’ll choose you. You’re everything for me.

I visited you once at times when you’re asleep at night at the ward. I know I did wrong for ‘trespassing’ but at least I can see you’re sleeping just like you did before in my arms.

I’ve been wondering what is the best thing would be if I want to save you, to be with you, but I can’t come up with a solution other than donating my own heart to you, which is never going to happen because of that brain-dead condition.

But who knows our fate, right? If I did end up going to die, I’ll give you my heart. That’s my will.

The idea of you carrying my heart is not a bad thing at all. We’re so close. We’re even touching, fond each other. I’m completely surrounded by your existence. Even though I can’t have you like I want to, we’re still together. It may be possible to have you but I cannot have you without drowning. I cannot have you without losing me.

But if that’s my fate one day, I’ll be happy to be with you. I love you, Yerin. I love you so much. I love you,’

You folded the letter back and put it aside. Your face was a mess and you don’t even bother to wipe the tears away. No wonder you feel safe after the surgery. No wonder you feel like someone is taking care of you. It was him who always been there after you left him.

You put your palm on your chest, feeling your own heartbeats, feeling his heart beating inside you. You looked up at Taehyung’s portrait and smiled.

“Thanks… for drowning for my sake… Sorry… that you need to drown to be with me… I love you too, Kim Taehyung,”

 

(END)