My head was spinning. I wasn’t sure what I was doing or where I was going or what time it was or even what year it was. All I knew was that I had been lied to. My whole world and whole identity and whole existence felt like one huge, enormous, not-even-a-little-bit-funny joke.

If your parents—two people so totally and utterly in love that everyone whoever meets them gets that they’re insanely perfect for each other—if THEY can’t even get it right, then how in the world is a girl like me supposed to keep on believing in things like love and family and forever?

I was so incredibly angry. Angry at Mom for messing everything up. Angry at Mr. Woo for stabbing my whole family in the back. Angry at Jongin for coming into my happy, easy life when I never asked him to. I was even angry at Sehun for bringing me back to see it all. I couldn’t even look at him, I was so mad.

Meanwhile in all of my I-just-saw-my-mom-making-out-with-another-man-rage, I had apparently zoomed myself straight from the Crystal right into the downtown. I hadn’t even crash-landed, which was kind of amazing. Too bad I wasn’t in the mood to boast.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sehun asked, once he’d figured out where I’d gone.

“Nope.”

Short. Sweet. To the point.

Across the street, an old dude started jamming to a Neil Young song I recognized. It was one of Mom’s favorites.

Because I’m still in love with you, I wanna see you dance again.

Because I’m still in love with you, on this harvest moon.

“Shut up!” I yelled at him. “Nobody wants to hear it!”

“So I realize this is probably a bad time,” said Sehun as we passed Melting Pasta, one of Shiah’s favorite restaurants. “But I do sort of have a surprise for you.”

“I hate surprises.”

“Funny, that’s not what I heard.”

“You heard wrong.”

I was headed toward Jirisan Park. I needed to disappear for a little while. Sit on the grass. Get some air.

“Oh, come on,” Sehun groaned when he realized where I was taking us.

“Don’t you know I’m lethally allergic to sunshine and happiness?”

“It’s my story , I get to make all the decisions.”

“Fine,” he said. “Except for tonight. Tonight’s on me.”

I shrugged. “Whatever.”

We walked a good ways into the park, down some twisty-turny pathways, until I found a big field that looked just right. Nice view, good sun, excellent grass-to-dirt ratio. I made my way over to a lonely old tree, flopped down on my back, and pointed my face toward the sky.

Tried to erase the mental image of my mom in someone else’s arms. Someone I’d trusted. Someone I’d cared about. The thought of her made me sick to my stomach.

Did Dad have any idea? How long could it have been going on? Mom’s kiss with Mr. Woo definitely hadn’t looked like a first kiss.

Ugh, gross.

Here was a woman I’d looked up to my entire life. A woman who had always been my heroine. She’d been a heroine for all of us at some point or another.

I decided then and there that I would never forgive her. It was unforgivable, what she was doing. She had betrayed Dad. She had betrayed Younghyun. She’d even betrayed Mogu. She had betrayed us all.

“And today. On today out of all possible days.” My voice shook and tears stung the corners of my eyes, but I didn’t cry. I was too angry to cry.

“Love is such a complete and total crock.”

I thought about how Jongin’s parents had separated for a short time last year. How I’d been there for him, through the whole thing, and how he had literally wept in my arms the afternoon his dad moved out. I’ll never forget Jongin’s face that day. He looked like a little boy, scared and confused and upset that maybe he could’ve done something to stop it.

I remembered how I had biked home that night and hugged both my parents, even as they yelled at me for being almost a full hour past my eleven o’clock curfew. I hugged them both and held on tight. I felt so lucky that we were different from all the other families.

We were happy. We were safe. Nothing could ever tear us apart.

But I was wrong.

I was wrong about a lot of things, actually.

   ~~~

Sehun and I stayed in that field the rest of the afternoon. Didn’t talk much. Mostly just soaked up the chilly sun, stretched out side by side, and watched the clouds pass overhead.

“Poodle,” said Sehun, pointing at a big fluffy one right above us.

I snorted. “Are you blind? That is the least poodle-looking cloud I have ever seen.”

“Wow. That’s harsh, Cream Cheese, real harsh.”

“It is so obviously a rabbit,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I mean, COME ON.”

The hours passed. We watched the skaters ride by, their underwear in full view from where their jeans were hanging off their butts. We watched all the nannies pushing strollers with little kids and their three-pound Chihuahuas dressed in fancier coats than anything I had ever owned.

Still, even with all the distractions, my dumb head kept pulling me back to Jongin. I thought about all of the endless summer days he and I had spent together in this very park. Just hanging out. Playing cards. Falling asleep all wrapped up together. Waking up to feel his lips touching mine.

Will this ever stop hurting so much?

Sehun didn’t have a snarky retort for that one. Maybe he was finally staying out of my head like I’d told him to, or maybe he knew I wouldn’t like his answer.

Gradually, the day fell away. Fog rolled in from the coast and the sun began its slow decent over the bay.

“I’m afraid it’s that time of day, lil’ lady,” said Sehun, stretching. He stood up and brushed off his jeans.

“Time for what? I’m not going anywhere. I’m sleeping in the park tonight.”

“Like hell you are.” He laughed. “Oh, don’t be such a party pooper.”

He grabbed my arm, whipped me up lightning quick, and I felt that familiar crackling of electricity underneath my ballet flats.

“Not this again,” I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut.

We shot up like a firecracker, and I could feel the earth falling away beneath me. I didn’t open my eyes. I’d rather not know how high up we were.

You’re never going to get better at this, Angel, if you don’t take a look around once in a while.

Ugh, okay, fine.

I cracked an eye open. And got confirmation that yes, in fact, we were ten thousand feet up in the air.

“Don’t you dare drop me,” I growled through clenched teeth.

Sehun zoomed the two of us right out of the park and back in the direction of Slice.

Or so I thought.

When our feet touched down an instant later, I felt sand fill my shoes, all toasty from an afternoon spent baking in the sun.

Even at night, the sand stayed warm.

I recognized the cliff faces—tall, majestic—and the way the surf rolled back from the shoreline and broke into perfect, parallel lines of white water.

 I knew these wildflowers by heart, little orange, red, and lavender petals dancing in the ocean air, and the way they stuck up in funny places like in between rocks and underneath seashells.

This was Burgundy Beach. This was the place I’d come a thousand times growing up. One of my most favorite spots in town. The beach where Jongin had taken me on so many to thank him.

I even tried opening my mouth, but no words came out.

He put his finger to his lips. “They’re waiting for you. Tonight, my dear, is yours. Enjoy it.”

Then, before I had time to realize what was happening, Sehun leaned down. Slowly, sweetly, he brushed his lips against my cheek. My eyes closed, and for a split second I could have sworn I felt the lightest flutter inside my chest—delicate little butterfly wings beating where my heart used to be. Even though it was impossible.

Whoa.

When I opened my eyes a few seconds later, Sehun was gone. Faded completely into the evening air, like he’d never been there at all.

Man, I really needed to learn how to do that.

I slowly began to make my way across the sand toward my friends. I wished so badly that I could run to them. Hug them. Cuddle up with them, just the four of us, and watch the gorgeous flaming sun sink beneath the waves.

As I got closer, their voices floated in, loud and clear. They were talking about me.

“I still can’t believe she’s gone,” said Hyunjin. She hugged her knees tightly and snuggled into her blue fleece sweatshirt. “It still doesn’t seem real.”

Shiah nodded. “I don’t think I’m ever going to believe it.” She looked out at the ocean for a moment, then buried her face in her hands. “I miss her so much.”

Guys, I’m here. I’m here.

“I can’t even look at him,” said Minhyun. “Every time I pass him in the hallway . . .” She shook her head.

“What kind of guy doesn’t even go to his girlfriend’s own memorial service?”

I took a step back. So they hadn’t seen him hiding out in the back of the auditorium after all. I guess nobody had.

Hyunjin’s jaw clenched. “What a jerk.”

“So, what did everyone bring?” interrupted Shiah, the bonfire blazing behind her.

Minhyun pulled a T-shirt out of her bag. Navy blue, long sleeves, with a little tear in the front.

It was Jongin’s. He’d left it at my house once and I’d promptly “forgotten” to return it, since it was warm and snuggly and smelled just like him. I’d fallen asleep with it nearly too many nights to count.

I should’ve thrown it in the trash when I had the chance.

“Perfect,” said Shiah. “Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin jumped up, her red hair flying, and reached into the back pocket of her jeans. She pulled out a photo. I stepped closer to get a better look.

It was the photo I’d had taped up in my locker at school, the one of me and Jongin at the fall carnival. He had taken it when we’d reached the top of the Twister, the biggest, best roller coaster in town, just a few seconds before we went over the first giant drop.

In the picture my eyes are closed and I’m screaming-laughing. He’s kissing my cheek. By far my favorite picture of the two of us in existence.

I bet his new girlfriend’s got one just like it up in her locker by now.

“Now me,” said Shiah. She leaned over Minhyun and grabbed her tote—a luxurious brand with her initials sewn on the front: YSH, for Yoo Shiah.

Always a star, ever since you were born.

Shiah reached in and pulled out a box that I instantly recognized, because it had been mine. It was an old box, worn around the edges and covered with flower cut-outs that I had pasted on over the years.

She lifted the lid and pulled out a red leather journal, tied with a delicate, lacy black ribbon.

Oh. My. GOD.

I collapsed in the sand next to my friends, mortified.

“Seriously, guys? You’re seriously doing this to me?”

It was the journal I’d kept the whole time Jongin and I had been dating.

Full of bad poetry and cheesy love letters I’d written to him but never sent—because

a) it would’ve been way too embarrassing and
b) they weren’t really for him, they were for me.

And because then he would’ve had physical proof that I am a Giant Dork.

I groaned and turned the brightest shade of red imaginable. I never wanted to see that stupid journal again.

“Will you ladies allow me to do the honors?” asked Shiah.

Oh, wow, she’s really going to do it. She’s really going to read it!

I covered my ears, preparing to be humiliated like never before.

“Go for it,” said Hyunjin, squeezing Minhyun’s hand.

Shiah carefully untied the ribbon and tucked it into her hoodie pocket. Then she stood up and walked over to the bonfire. She flipped the book open and smiled.

“Yewon-ah,” she said. “This is for you.”

With that, she started tearing the thing into shreds.

My mouth dropped open as I watched her send page after page after page into the bonfire, sparks shooting and hissing into the evening sky as the flames engulfed my words, my wishes, my most secret thoughts about the boy I’d loved.

It was beautiful. Magical. And for the very first time since my death, something started to bend and shift. I felt lighter. Calmer. And little by little, I began to feel free.

“Yeah!” cried Hyunjin. She skipped to the edge of the fire, balled up Jongin’s T-shirt, and threw it in. “Burn, baby, burn!” she yelled, waving her arms in the air.

I burst into laughter as I watched Jongin’s shirt writhing and twisting in the intense heat of the flames.

Finally, Minhyun held up the photo of Jongin and me. She kissed my face, took a deep breath, then ripped the picture in half.

She tore it once.

Then twice.

Then a third time, until all that remained of my once perfect memory was a pile of tiny, furious pieces. She lifted her hands up and I watched in awe as the chilly autumn breeze reached right in and sent them scattering—tiny bits of memory and music and color and time swirling all around us.

The four of us stared as the shreds of paper began to burn and glow against the violet, perfect sky—watching as they caught fire and floated down to earth like falling stars.

“Happy Eighteenth Birthday, Yewon-ah,” whispered Minhyun.

A post-birthday celebration…

“We miss you,” said Hyunjin, her voice breaking. “So much.”

“We love you, Yewon!” Shiah cried at the top of her lungs.

An overwhelming ache—but a good ache this time—soared through my chest. I was so lucky to have had them. No, I was more than lucky. I was the luckiest.

I love you too.

Then the three of them linked arms. Walked down to the water’s edge. And as the last rays of sunlight sank beneath the horizon—miles and miles out to sea—my best friends blew me kisses, wiped away their tears, and finally said good-bye.

An update! I might post another chapter, but i'm still editing it. thank you for supporting my story~