19 December 2017

 

I was already expecting photos of artists, especially his SM colleagues to be filled all over my newsfeed

Them dressing in black, bare faces, sorrow, solemn

Some artists, his besties would not be able to hold their emotions

They will be drenched in tears upon their arrival there

 

I've chosen a white shirt, black pants as my work attire on this date

That's the least I could do, paying my respect here

 

Videos of the artists started to accumulate

I didn't have the courage to click into them 

Recalling the sorrow I felt for Lee Teuk, when his dad & grandparents passed away

I couldn't hold my emotions if I see anybody whom I knew teared up

Watching Lee Teuk and the rest of Super Junior members tearing up during that time triggered me 

 

And here, I had to face the death of the idol himself, Jong Hyun

Member of the group which I have cherished for over 8 years, SHINee

Loving them from the start, they were part of my kick-starter to KPOP

Jong Hyun wasn't my bias, but he was my second after all. 

Ranking doesn't really matter at this point of time.

He is part my KPOP family, that's all I need to know

Losing him is just unbearable.

 

Perhaps, it was during the afternoon or evening

There were news about his last letter to all of us

On why he chose this road, why did he chose to leave this world 

I couldn't wait longer anymore and I opened the article, the translation of his last message to us

 

Reading the translation, I guessed all of us felt his pain.

He had struggled enough, he realised that ending his life was the only way out.

He seeked for help but he did not get the comfort he wished for from the psychiatrist

As that point of time, when he wrote this line, "it must be easy to be a doctor" 

I just wanted to put the blame on the psychiatrist for not doing well

Why didn't you encouraged him and comforted him exactly what he wished for?

Why are you doing your work so badly, doctor? It was your lack of encouragement which led him to that state

He got so helpless and chose this path, to end his world - it was all because of you, doctor.

It was certainly not a right way to think; putting all the blame to the doctor.

I wasn't on my right mind at that point of time.

 

Jong Hyun also mentioned about his lack of talent which I couldn't comprehend that statement at all

He has been working perfectly well from the day he debuted as SHINee

Juliette was his composition and how old was he at that time? 19

He did splendidly well as a song-writer, composer for so many artists - IU, Lee Hi, Son DamBi, EXO and for his beloved group, SHINee

What has caused him to think such way?

Depression has certainly hit him to an extreme

 

At the end of the day, all he wanted was just words of encouragement

That he has worked hard, he did well

Nothing else, but those words were all he needed 

And, he chose to hear those words from the above, a higher spot..

 

Have you heard it well enough, JongHyun?

You did well. You've worked hard.

 

Reading his last message for the second time at home

Seeing the photos and videos of his funeral parlor and the artists who paid their respects to him

Finding out that the rest of the SHINee members were the chief mourners

Everything about him on my newsfeed and Twitter 

I've teared up, finally..

After holding on for a day.