It was already around three in the morning when the game finished, the boys quickly fell asleep while I decided to leave the group at the last quarter of the soccer match.

I left because my thoughts never ran out of my mind and at times like this, I have always liked to think in a quiet place. And that quiet place was at the porch of Chanyeol’s place, facing the backyard. I was sitting alone with my first and last can of beer.

I yelped quietly, a little bit startled when I saw Sehun sliding the glass door with a bottle of beer with him. He sat next to me on the floor and I noticed his bottle was already half empty.

I smiled at him as he asked me, “What are you doing here?”

“Just…” I looked at around and then upwards. I took a deep breath, inhaling the air, appreciating the cool breeze.“...thinking.”

From my peripheral view, I knew Sehun looked up too. The night was pretty starry. It’s beautiful and only a cold and unappreciative heart would say otherwise.

After a long silence, only hearing the quiet natural sounds the night gave, Sehun spoke in his most gentle voice. “Do you still remember the time we first met?”

Instinctively, I turned to him and smiled as I recalled the memory. “I do.” I answered. “I would never forget that.”

The first time Sehun and I met, I got stood up with this guy I was supposed to meet. He was my friend’s neighbour— a hot and popular but good guy, as they said and described as. I was not pissed or anything because I really didn’t want meet him and date with him. I only went because first, I didn’t want to be rude and second, I gave my word to my friend then: to give this whole dating a try. But I suppose, that really was a blessing in disguise.

I was heading out of the shopping mall after almost four hours of waiting. I had my head down, messaging that friend who suggested the entire thing that I got stood up. I was so close to bumping someone but luckily, I didn’t. I managed to stop on time, and on the distance just close to hitting him. I looked up from my phone and yes, that someone was Sehun.

Taken aback, I froze for a quick second and took a step back. He was just as surprised as I was and he smiled— it wasn’t a flirty kind of smile though. It was more of an understanding and friendly smile. I could say that, that really gave me a different but good kind of impression of him and I was at the first stage of feeling attraction for him that I wasn’t aware of back then. I shyly bowed at him, apologising for almost bumping to his chest. He accepted my apology with a gentle voice and we went to our own ways.

Then, the night of that same day, I went to a party. It was my Mum’s friend’s daughter birthday bash and I went, just to get my mind off the fact that I got stood up. I saw few familiar faces but socialising at that moment wasn’t really my thing. I was sitting at the gazebo by the swimming pool, eating a quarter of clubhouse sandwich with fruits on the side, when I was approached by a voice.

I got startled, totally not expecting to be greeted by anyone, particularly, a male’s voice. It was a big and pleasant surprise to see that it was Sehun, the guy whom I almost bumped to earlier in the day.

“It’s fancy seeing you here too.” I returned. My eyes followed his figure that took the seat across me. He was wearing the same outfit he did earlier at the mall: a white tee, jeans, and grey cardigan. It was a simple outfit but he wore it in a way it looked so stylish on him.

“Are you related to the birthday celebrant?” He asked casually.

I moved my head side to side. “Daughter of my Mum’s friend. Are you?”

“No.” He answered. “I’m more like of a substitute here.”

“Huh?”

“It’s my brother who’s supposed to go but he had to go with Mum to Japan.”

“Ah…” I nodded, understanding. “Is that why…?”

“I was at the mall earlier?” He presumed and I nodded. “Yeah. To buy a last minute present. Why were you there?”

I half scoffed at the reminder and moved my head side to side. “I got stood up.” I admitted. There was no point of hiding it anyway.

“What? No way.”

“Yes.” I affirmed. “Waited for four hours but it’s okay. I utilised the time by buying a present too.” I smiled proudly.

“Then why are you here alone?” He continued to ask.

“Socialising isn’t really my thing at the moment.” I answered.

“Do you mind some company?”

I shook my head. “You can stay if you like.”

And just like that, for the rest of the party, Sehun and I chatted. We didn’t even realise the hour passing. You know the feeling that you feel comfortable towards someone despite it being the first time you’ve met each other? It was like that with Sehun. It was strange because I don’t usually feel that way with the people I meet but then like I’ve always said, he was always a different story.

“I’m so glad I went to that party.” Sehun uttered.

“Me too.” I answered sincerely.

If it weren’t for that, probably the years I have spent with Sehun would leave an empty space in my heart. It wasn’t walk in a path of beautiful and colourful flowers but I wouldn’t choose it over any other. I was the happiest whenever I was with him.

After that night, Sehun and I talked and chatted almost everyday and saw each other on the weekends, that went on for the rest of the year. Sehun was a year ahead of me and what caught off guard was when he chose to transfer to my school despite being in his senior year— his last year in high school. His reason? He said he wanted to be closer to me.

That was silly of him, to be honest but then, he didn’t show any regret. That was also the point when we really got closer and I met his circle of friends. He confessed to me during the second week when the first semester started and I accepted his feelings after the exam period of the same semester finished. Everything was bliss after that. And even when he already graduate and was in University, he still gave all of his free time and proved me every single day that he was serious about me. He met Mum and became best buddies with Aeron.

That went on for years until he graduated University. I studied for a long period time because apart from doing my master’s degree, I changed courses after my first year. I didn’t regret it because it was still part of my learning and my growth.

“I miss Aeron…” Sehun suddenly uttered softly.

I looked at him in surprise, and smiled fondly. “You do?”

“Yeah.” He said in a whisper.

“He does too.” I told him. “You can always come and visit him. I think he would love that.”

“Auntie won’t mind?” He asked.

I moved my head side to side gently, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Maybe.” He decided. “One of these days.”

“Okay.” I nodded. I rested my chin on my knee and played with my can of beer on the ground, trying to balance it in a diagonal position, being it half-full.

“How were you all this time?” He asked me again. “Particularly the time when I…”

My cheek was already resting on my knee as I looked sideways, towards him. “When you left me?”

He bobbed his head.

“What kind of words do you want to hear?”

He gulped nervously. “The truth.”

“Well… when you left, I was confused, broken but then I had to live with it because there’s still my degree going. I can’t let all of that go to waste. So it took me about few weeks, to let it all out and though it still hurts, it became a little more bearable. Mum and Aeron didn’t leave me and they stayed by my side. I strongly believe they were the one that made me stronger.”

I was just so thankful I had my mother and brother with me during those tough days. I didn’t think I’d survive all that— the stress, the pain— at once if it weren’t for them. It was a slow pace, or at most it felt like it, but it was a sure one. I managed to move on, forgive myself and Sehun despite my unanswered questions. Getting those answers, I thought, was just a matter of closure, to know if my assumptions were right or simply to know what was the real reason why Sehun broke up with me.

Sehun smiled at me sadly and his eyes were so apologetic, his gaze were in rue. It could be my delusional self and the influence of the small amount of alcohol that has hit my system but his orbs were speaking to me as though he wanted to turn back time and change the way things went. And I suppose, I wasn’t entirely when he repentantly said, “I’m sorry.” His face was so guilt-ridden and… sorry.

At that moment, I knew that the opportunity had came upon us and I decided to grab and seize it. Otherwise, I wasn’t sure when the next chance would be or if there would be another.

I took my time to compose myself and had my heart ready for whatever there was to come. When I felt I was ready, I finally broke the question that continued to lie behind my head. “So… why did you leave me?” I paused and there was silence. I lifted my head and continued, “Was the reason you gave almost two years ago now still the same? Or was it because of what I’ve done? Did I became too demanding? Too controlling?”

He breathed deeply and helplessly as he called out my name. “No.. it’s not like that.” He said, almost to a whisper, somewhat frustrated. “It was not solely for the reason I told you back then and neither for the reason you have in your mind.”

“Then what?”

“I got scared. I was scared.” He confessed. “I thought how I wasn’t enough for who I was to you, back then.” He pressed his lips together and I could see how nervous he was, just like how my heart was beating a such rapid pace. “I didn’t deserve you and I wanted to be better and more for you. That’s why I left you.”

I swallowed the invisible lump stuck inside my throat. “What?”

“When you got your offer letter for your master’s degree, you were doing and giving your everything and all to get through and achieve your dreams. While me, I was just jobless guy, who already graduated University but was still relying on the money my parents gave me regularly. And I can’t be just that. I had to leave you to be a better son to my parents and a better boyfriend to you. To be someone deserving to be with you.” His eyes landed on mine, pinning his gaze on me. “I want to be deserving for you— to be by your side. I planned to make myself better and when I do, I’ll come back for you but I was too of a coward.”

“Is that why Jongin said if I didn’t happen to live across your place, you wouldn’t dare to make a move?”

He hummed.

“Sehun…”

“I’m sorry for hurting you, for leaving you. But please believe when I say that I didn’t stop loving you. I’ve always loved you and…” He moved closer to me and held my hand so warmly. “And I always will.”

I pursed my lips at him, scowling as I withdrew my hand from his. “You’re so stupid, Oh Sehun!” I pouted and crossed my hands above my knees, resting my chin on it.

I couldn’t believe him! All this time I thought he left me because he was sick and tired of me— that he didn’t love me anymore. But above that, I felt stupid. For doubting him. For not seeing it in this perspective. For even thinking that— Ugh, Sehun just continued to drive me so crazy. It’s not fair! To think he broke up our relationship with me still in his mind. All Sehun thought of was me but—.

Too mad and upset, I turned away from him, to rest my cheek on the opposite direction of where he was sitting. Then I heard him chuckle slightly, placing his bottle down on the concrete. The next thing I knew, he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. We weren’t hugging but I was between his legs. His nose rested on my shoulder as he sniffed my scent. He breathed in relief, like he felt at ease, comforted and home. The way he usually does when we were still together and then, he had a long, tiring day, he would hug me tight then he’ll feel rested again, like he could go on for a longer period of time.

“The smell of you still gives me comfort, like always. It never changed.” He whispered and I felt his warm breath on my skin. “Are you mad at me?”

I moved away slightly and glared at him, but it wasn’t all anger (that I had to admit), there was affection and somewhat regret. I doubted Sehun. “I am.” I admitted. “But I’m more mad at myself. I doubted you. I thought you didn’t love—”

Sehun leaned back and he cupped my chin. Hushing my lips with his thumb. “Shh, I gave you the reason to and I am so sorry for that.”

“Why didn’t you come back to me sooner?” I asked and I had not noticed I was tearing up until he wiped it off my cheek with his index finger.

“I wanted to. I terribly wanted to because I missed you so, so much it could kill me.” Then he stopped, “But thinking how badly I had hurt you, I couldn’t.”

I pouted at him, making a soft ‘V’ on my glabella as I furrowed my brows together. Then I gently flicked his forehead as I said, repeating the words of, “You’re so stupid!”

Sehun yelped, and rubbed the spot I flicked but smiled fondly at me.

Although this male and I had alcohol in our system, we were as good as sober. We knew what we were saying and we would definitely remember everything that was said and had happened here.

For another around half an hour, we stayed there and enjoyed the bright night sky, sitting next to each other, not hugging but our thighs were touching together. It was silent but the unexplainable tension between us was gone. We were both evidently relaxed and that made me feel at ease.

After that, we joined the others who already had fallen asleep in the entertainment area. Two huge blankets were laid on the floor as the centre table and couches were moved aside. The area was significantly large so although all of us were sharing a space, it wasn’t so cramped. Well, Chanyeol did have a large place to begin with. That whole set-up brought me back to senior high school years and throughout University days. It was so nostalgic.

We laid ourselves down, I was between Sehun and Baekhyun, which made my ex-boyfriend to be lying at the end. We wished each other soft good nights although we both doubted we would get plenty hours of sleep. It would be sunrise in the next two hours.

As usual, it was me who first got up and looked around. Almost everyone was still knocked out dead and if I was right, if this was just like the old days, they would start waking up shortly after but— tired, hungry and just exhausted, really.

I got up gently, not wanting to disturb anyone, particularly Sehun and the beagle next to me. Before I got on my feet to stand up straight, I felt Sehun’s hand holding my wrist, stopping me from getting up. I grabbed his wrist with my other hand and put it down softly. I brushed his hair and he hummed in content, relaxing, I couldn’t help but smile at that. With that, I got onto my feet and made light steps towards the kitchen to prepare breakfast or more like lunch for everyone.

I opened Chanyeol’s fridge and grabbed a cup of water as I scan through it, wondering what I could cook for the boys and the girls, too. I hummed and leaned back, coming up with dishes with everything that was available, having Hangover stew as my top priority.

Looks like the tall man would need to go food shopping again. Whoops.

Along with the stew, I made some Kimchi Fried Rice too, and Mung Bean Pancake. I was going to make Galbi but I thought Bulgogi would do for now. There were some Japchae in the fridge too and I could only assume that Chanyeol’s mother made it, along with the other side dishes stored.

In the middle of it, I paused and called my mother and Aeron. Few minutes into it, I turned and saw that Jieun and Jongdae were already up and I could hear Jongin, mumbling, probably waking the others up. But all I hear were faint sleepy yawns and groans.

I smiled and told Mum that I would call her back later. Upon the phone call ending, I beamed at the two who were a few seconds later joined by the hot bear. “Everything will be ready soon. Take a seat.” I told them, bobbing my head towards the dining table.

Jieun shook her head side to side. “I’ll help.”

Appreciating that, I nodded, letting her and gestured to the two male figures to go and take a seat. We got bowls, plates, utensils and glasses ready when I heard my phone ring again, but this time for a message.

I looked at Jieun, and excused myself.

She smiled, “It’s okay. I can handle the rest. You did all the cooking, anyway.”

“Thank you.” I said and turned my body away, to the other side as I opened the message. It was from Chae, reminding me about this speed dating event she was pushing me to go to. I let out an exasperated sigh and replied to confirm that I was coming. I really didn’t want to go but then, I already promised and I never turned back on my word— as much as possible. I placed my phone back inside my pocket.

I returned to what I was doing and noticed that there were still two serving bowls that needed to be placed on the table. Just by the time I got one into my hands, Minseok came and picked up the other. When we reached the table, I saw that everyone was awake but Sehun. Jongin gave me a sly smile and I just knew what that meant. My ex-boyfriend was still a sleepy head, a tall and big baby.

I wandered back to the entertainment area and kneeled next to him. I sat on my heels and brushed his hair back with my fingers, away from his countenance. Gosh, even when he’s sleeping he looked so cute and hot at the same time. He moved and moaned, I could barely keep my giggle of fondness.

I caressed the apple of his cheek and woke him up gently, “Se, wake up.” Then my thumb softly rubbed the area under his eye. “Food is ready. Sehun, wake up. Sehun...”

After about half a minute to one, Sehun sleepily opened his eyes and squinted it as it was probably confronted with light.

“Wake up. Breakfast is ready. I made some stew. It’ll help with your and everyone’s hangover.”

Lazily, he brought himself up and looked around, noticing that he was the only one left. He took a little more time to compose and gather his senses, waiting for his soul to catch up in being awake. I patiently waited for him and when he was ready, he moved the duvet aside and I offered my hand to help him up as I stood up on my feet. I pat his back and encouraged him to go to the table, fixing the pillows and duvet in place before following behind him.

“Wow, you made a lot.” Chanyeol remarked when we were in sight, entering the dining area.

I chuckled at that and took my seat next to Sehun and Anni. “I didn’t made them all.” I denied. Then, I bit the inside of my bottom lip slightly. “I used all the ingredients I saw in your fridge so you might need to go shopping again. But I guess,” I drawled and looked at him and his girlfriend to tease, “it’s a good enough reason for another date.”

Jieun blushed and hid herself in her boyfriend’s arm. While Chanyeol just had this big, huge grin on his face, obviously fond of the idea. Everyone started digging in, Baekhyun has only half of his soul with him, the others were sleepy and that included the man next to me. I urged him to eat so he would feel better sooner.

“Are you doing anything later?” Sehun asked, coming closer to towards me.

I hummed and met his eyes. “I have somewhere to go later in the evening.”

“With Junmyeon?”

I shook my head. “With Chae.” I wondered if he still remembers her and that was answered when he leaned back and reached out to get more stew.

“Where are you guys going?” He asked curiously.

I gulped and anxiously looked at him. Obviously, I haven’t mentioned anything to him about and I didn’t think he would very much like it. When my silence have dragged for long, I received his gaze again.

“What?”

I pressed my lips together as I looked at him, slightly apprehensive. “I’m going with her to a speed dating event.”

“What?!” He asked again, and from the low and quiet tone of his voice, I knew he was unimpressed. “When is this?”

“Tonight. 8PM.”

He took a deep sigh and I watched his gaze darken. “Do you have to go?” He asked.

I nodded my head as answer. “I already gave my word. She said she has no one else to go with.” I reasoned.

From that, Sehun’s mood had changed completely. He was playing with the inside of his cheeks between his teeth and I just knew I ruined the morning for him. I couldn’t bear see him mad or like that so I called him.

“Not now.” He said and proceeded with his meal.

“But Sehun—”

“Sweetheart,” he called, eyes pinning at me. My heart raced, I zipped my lips. I felt myself freeze on my spot. “Not now. We’ll talk about this later.”

I sighed heavily and looked away, down on the ground. My shoulders dropped as I continued eating. But then, I’ve already lost my appetite.

By the end of it, Baekhyun and Chanyeol did the dishes while we all tried to clean up the place, putting all the rubbish away and cleaning it to look nice and white again.

Sehun and I didn’t talk for that entire time and I was sure that the boys noticed the tension we both had between us. Anni asked if everything was okay, and of course, I said it was. I doubted if they bought it though as everyone left us, Sehun and I, alone when usually they, the boys, would play and talk with us a lot.

When everything was finished, I went to one of the guest rooms Chanyeol showed me. There was a shower and toilet in there too. I looked around for a moment, to breathe and rationalise myself.

I was standing behind the window, looking out the view when I heard my name. I turned and saw Sehun there, standing behind the door, shutting it.

“Let’s talk.” He said.

I didn’t say anything and just looked at him. He wandered towards the bed and sat at the edge of it, facing me.

Our eyes were looking straight at each other when I realised that he was waiting for me to speak. Becoming aware of that, I exhaled and began, “I’m only going there because Chae wanted me to. And you know me…”

“I do.” He said, nodding his head. “And that’s what pisses me off.”

“Sehun…”

“It’s not yet too late, is it?”

I frowned. I could already see in the insecurity in his eyes and I wondered what it was he was insecure of, so I asked, “Too late? Too late for what?”

“What if you meet someone there? What if…?”

I broke to a laugh and his eyebrows furrowed. I was laughing but it was humourless. Now, I got it. I got where the insecurity was coming from.

“This is not funny.” He grumbled.

“Sehun, you know, you’re really cute.” I told him and walked towards him, grabbing his hand, pulling him up so we can stand together behind the window. When we were facing each other, I assured him, “Chae wanted me to come because she thought we were both single. Which is a fact.”

“But—”

“Listen to me, first.” I cut him off but my voice was gentle. “I am going there as Chae’s friend and not as a single lady looking for a guy to date and be my boyfriend.”

His words have confirmed that indeed he was insecure. I understood that and I knew if I was in his shoes, I would be too. The relationship between us was uncertain, we weren’t a couple in a romantic relationship but neither we were pure good friends like how I am with his circle of friends and him with his peer’s girlfriends. And me, going to this whole speed dating event… I knew I hit his sensitive and vulnerable part. That wasn’t my intention but it already had happened as lying to him wasn’t really a choice I’d ever do.

“Say something.” I asked him, squeezing his hand and it wasn’t long before he squeezed it back.

“Can I take you there?”

“Do you have to?”

He sighed. His lips were pouting like a little child. “I just… I’d feel so uneasy if I don’t.”

I giggled. “Okay. If you want to, okay.” I told him.

And I saw relief wash through Sehun as he breathed out in a more relaxed manner and his gaze softened. The tension that engulfed us for more than what felt like such a long hour has dispersed. A fond smile naturally tugged the corner of my lips.

Oh Sehun… I swear. Though I saw how he have matured and has grown for the time we were away from each other, he was still the same lover boy he was whenever he was with me. And I wouldn’t deny that I like it. This feeling. This feeling inside me was something I never felt before and I highly doubt I would feel this with any other man.