Donghae POV

How long have I been sitting here?

The cool tile of the bathroom floor and the rough, white-washed wall which I had been leaning on for so long had officially merged with my figure.  I was disappearing, molding into the background.  If only that were a possibility.

What point is there in trying to do anything with my life if I just feel like the majority of the time?  What use will I be to anyone if I can't get a grip on reality and focus on the present?  I have to stop getting lost in the past.  I ed everything up enough as it is...no point in going any farther.

Honestly, I was tired.  Mentally, physically, emotionally...

After Sungmin and I had parted ways, I had fallen into a deep hole of depression and uselessness.  I couldn't climb out...not by myself.  I didn't have the energy, nor the will.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall, wishing I could fly away, leaving behind all of my pain and regret.  It was hard to imagine living without that constant voice in my head that was always telling me, It's your fault, because it had been my constant companion for so many years.

Footsteps invaded the thick bubble of misery that surrounded my thoughts.

"Donghae?  Donghae, I need to talk to you."

.  It was Sungmin. 

I used to be able to pinpoint his soft, tentative whisper amongst a sea of people.  I knew him so well back then. 

Now, I didn't recognize that subtle hint of confidence that coated the surface of his voice.  Where did that come from?  When did Sungmin suddenly...change?

When you left him.  When you broke his heart.  When you left him broken and bleeding.  When Kyuhyun was the one to stitch him back up and heal him.  When Sungmin realized that you're worth nothing.

I didn't want to answer him.  I didn't want him to see me like this.  I wanted to be his strong, dependable Donghae.  Not this pathetic excuse for a man.

For the sake of the other members, Sungmin and I would always be civil towards each other.  We were friendly enough to avoid skepticism, but nothing beyond that.  I never met his eyes, afraid of what I might find there.

I wanted so badly to talk to Sungmin about everything and finally face what had been continually gnawing at my insides, but at the same time, I was terrified that he would push me away; terrified of the accusation that was awaiting me in the deep pools of his eyes.

"Donghae!  I'm serious, come out here.  We have to talk about...everything..."

I heard his voice crack at the end of his sentence, making his words sound strangled, like it took him everything he had to utter a single syllable.

I wanted to get over him.  I needed to forget him.  But the desperation that clouded Sungmin's voice broke through my resistance and found me on my feet, heaving open the bathroom door.

My gut screamed at me to stop where I was.  My heart, on the other hand, wanted the exact opposite.  It was ready to tear itself from inside my chest and sprint into Sungmin's arms; into his warm, loving embrace.

I steeled myself for what was coming as I made my voice sound as natural as possible.

"I'm here."

Sungmin appeared around the corner.  I stopped and took in his familiar figure.  It was like I was seeing him for the first time in years; seeing the real him.  I mustered up all my courage and looked at him straight in the eyes, locking my jaw in sheer determination.

His soft, brown irises were wet.  He had been crying.  The ghost of my old self, protective and fatherly, rose from the depths of my being and surfaced.  I would help him.  No matter what.

"Can we go to my room?"  His voice was less confident than before.  My resolve wavered.

This kid really had my heart.  I was in danger of falling for him again, after failing again and again and finally succeeding at binding my heart, protecting it from the sharp needles that accompanied reality.

The distress I felt could not be traced in my voice as I replied, "Of course."  Sungmin nodded, his face stoic, as he turned back around and walked slowly to his room.

Are you crazy?  You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.  All you're going to do is hurt yourself and Sungmin even more.  Watch where you step.  You might just trip and fall and wind up right back where you started when you decided to leave him.

I ignored my internal-ranting as I followed Sungmin into his room.  I hadn't been inside in ages.  I constantly made a point to avoid anything that stirred within me the memories of when Sungmin and I had been together...happy...

By the time I got to the door, Sungmin had already sat down on his bed.  He was fiddling with his thumbs, obviously nervous and fidgety.  He always used to do that before concerts...and I would slip my fingers through his, calming his anxiety.  At that moment, I was worried about being unable to calm my own.

I inched into the room and shut the door behind me.  Sungmin motioned for me to join him on the bed, but I declined.  He shrugged, as if it wasn't that big of a deal.

Of course it's not a big deal.  He doesn't care where the you are or how the hell you feel.  I don't blame him, after what you made him go through.

Shut the hell up.  That voice was really set on making me spiral down into another fit of self-loathing.  I didn't need to be reminded every second of the day that everything was my fault.  I had figured that much on my own.

"Donghae...I-I'm sorry.  I've been avoiding you, and I know I'm hurting you.  I'm hurting myself, too, thinking about how sorry I am.  It's right for you to blame me for all of this.  It was my fault we had to end like that."

My head snapped up.  I felt my eyes threaten to bug out as I stared at him in disbelief.

What?  What?

"What are you talking about?"  I managed to choke out.  What was he saying?

Sungmin seemed not to hear me as he continued, "The truth is, I was just afraid.  I pushed you away because I was scared of getting hurt.  I put you through so much.  I'm sorry."  All of this was rushed, as though he forced the words out of himself.

He looked up at me, his doe eyes leaking with tears, begging for forgiveness.

And I thought all this time that he blamed me for putting him through all of this.  How can he blame himself? 

I voiced my thoughts for the first time in forever.

"Sungmin...what makes you think it's your fault?"  I didn't try to conceal the astonishment in my voice.  It was just too ridiculous...the idea that Sungmin put the blame on himself rather than on me - the one who was really responsible.

He looked confused for a moment.  "Well, you left...you left me b-because I was getting too distant.  I started to neglect you, and I hurt you."

I almost gasped out loud in relief.

He didn't blame me.

All this time, I had been under the misapprehension that Sungmin thought I was the reason for his misery; that I alone had caused the deep scar in our relationship.  I was filled with hope...hope I hadn't felt since the first time we kissed, the first time he whispered "I love you" to me while nuzzling the back of my neck.  It was a feeling that I had lost all contact with.  It was a feeling that I had missed.

Maybe we could start again.  Everything was a misunderstanding.  We could go back to square one and start fresh.  We could fall in love again.

I could be whole again.

"Sungmin..."  Tears of joy and relief seeped from the corners of my eyes, just at the brink of spilling over.  My heart was elated.  For so long, I had been bound by my own self-hatred and regret.

"Sungmin," I started again, taking a deep breath.  "This whole time I thought it was me who was in the wrong.  I spent so long hating myself, knowing that you were going through every day, barely hanging on.  All I wanted was to see your smiling face again.  I missed you, Sungmin-ah, and I still do.  I want you back.  Could you ever accept me again after all I've put you through?"  At this point, my voice was almost begging; desperate.

Sungmin smiled sadly.

"I wish we could go back to the way things were.  I really do...but now I have Kyuhyun."

My heart, which had been so elated just seconds ago, froze.  I was falling, falling back into my state of numbness.

Then, I was filled with anger.  The sudden hostility I felt towards my younger got me off guard, though all rational thought was thwarted by the tugging at the broken seams of my sanity.

"Kyuhyun?"  I didn't bother hiding my true feelings anymore.  My sight turned red with rage and hurt and desolation.  The false hopes I had at Sungmin's words...they had instantly poisoned my mind with faraway dreams that I now knew I could never reach. 

My hands shook.  I was losing control over myself.

"Tell me exactly, because I'd really love to know," I began.  "What is so great about Kyuhyun?"

Sungmin seemed unable to move.  He was shocked silent at the venom seeping through every word I forced out.

"I love him."  He whimpered.

That set me off more than anything.

"And what the makes you think that?!  You think he'll stay with you forever and keep you by his side?  You think you're the only one he sees?  If that's what you think, you have a thing or two to learn.  Life isn't that easy.  Hell, life .  No one will ever get anywhere.  I'm exhibit A!  I got nowhere by loving you.  Do you see what I've become?  This is what happens when you love someone!  Love is a sick joke.  It twists your mind and makes you see what you want to see!"  Tears were rolling down Sungmin's face now, as well as my own.

"You know what?  I'm done with you.  Forget I said anything about starting over.  Like hell I want to go through all of this again.  I don't give a anymore about love.  It's all a game.  Love is a game and all it does is cheat you out of everything you want, but can never have."

I didn't believe a single word of what I was saying.  The relentless flow of ranting that rolled off of my tongue were not my real thoughts.

I wanted to scream at myself;  I want to punch myself in the face.

What in the world was I thinking when I yelled at him like that?  Nothing was Sungmin's fault.

It was like something was controlling my words and actions.  I had no control.  Anger and bitter hatred were at the reigns, driving my head and my life off of a cliff and into nothingness.

I turned, wrenched the door back open, and stomped off, leaving Sungmin sitting there, helpless and alone; the same way I had left him back then

Sungmin, I though, forcing my sobs to remain silent and undisclosed.  I'm so sorry.  You don't deserve to have me in your life.  You deserve someone who will love you and cherish you forever.

I was finally starting to accept the fact that my love would go unrequited.  I had to move on and let go.

Sungmin-ah, I love you.  I promise I won't hurt you anymore.  Kyuhyun is the one you love and I have to accept that.  I swear on my own life...that I won't put you in any more pain. 

I had to trust in that promise.  As my soul buried itself deeper and deeper into the depths of my cold, black heart, I lost all sense of right and reason.

I was losing myself, and didn't know how to get back on track.

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A/N:  Hopefully, this chapter isn't too morbidly depressing for anyone.  I feel like I'm continually stabbing Hae in the back, but I think this is one of the best things I've written so far.

Shisus! Forgive me, for I have sinned!  Tell Donghae that I don't mean it! TT TT

Well, I hope you will continue to love and support all the characters in this fic.  Thank you so much for sticking with this!