It took Byulyi a few weeks and a few pleadings here and there to convince her superiors to assign her under that one station in Seoul nearer to a certain woman's place. Lucky for the officer, that station needs more skilled people after some of its officers were sent to the hospital after a heated encounter. All these only for Kim Yongsun. Ever since she welcomed the stewardess with a surprise at the airport a month ago, they have spent a fruitful and memorable time together every free time Yongsun and Byulyi could spare for each other. Despite their busy schedule, it was surprising for both of them how they could still go to countless dates, albeit some of them are short-lived due to Byulyi's call of duty.

“B-Byul?”

“That’s me.” Byulyi said before flashing a wide grin at the shocked woman before her.

Yongsun could not believe it. Stupefied, she could not utter anything anymore. Byulyi had to poke her cheek to bring her back to her senses, yet even with her senses back, she still could not believe her eyes. It must be a dream. She must be too tired to imagine things, right?

“So, are you up for any coffee tonight? You must be freezing.”

Silence.

She was mum.

Byulyi stared right back at Yongsun before breaking into a small laughter. "I didn't know you're more on the quiet side in person. Come on, Yongsun-ssi."

That night at the café, Yongsun could never forget. She was a stuttering mess when she tried to make a decent conversation with the officer seated in front of her, drinking her latte. Yongsun was very thankful, though, that Byulyi was patient and easygoing that in no time, Yongsun started to finally ease up. Their time spent at the café was enough for Yongsun and Byulyi to confirm their feelings. It was enough to get to know each other and look forward to being with the other more.

It was enough to step it up; to know that they will be more than just friends and the fluttering feeling in their stomachs isn’t just infatuation.

"I... seriously... can't believe this!" Hyejin exclaimed as she was walking back and forth in Yongsun's living room. The sight of the younger woman looking flabbergasted amused Yongsun though, and she got no heart to stop and pull Hyejin to sit beside her. "You met up with this girl you met online. And now... you're telling me that you two are, what... together?!"

Yongsun just nodded, waiting for what more Hyejin have got to say.

"AND YOU TOLD ME JUST NOW."

"Well, you never asked so..."

Before Yongsun could even lift her shoulders to shrug nonchalantly, a cushion was thrown straight at her face followed by a squealing Hyejin who just ran up to her and tackle her to the couch. Yongsun was so suprised she did not even get the chance to compose herself before Hyejin started to throw numerous questions at her about literally anything that has to do with her and Moon Byulyi.

“What is she like? I want to meet her! Is she nice? Is she cool? Oh god, what’s her job? Yongsun unnie!~”

”Hyejin!” Yongsun gently pushed her friend away from her and took a deep breath. As much as she wanted to fill Hyejin up, she’s afraid she might just end up spazzing over her girlfriend. “Look, I gotta contain myself. One question at a time, okay?”

Hyejin only nodded and dropped her first question in a heartbeat.

“Name?”

”Moon Byulyi.”

”Age?”

”25.”

Hyejin gasped. Her friend got someone younger than her!

”Job?”

”She’s a police officer... soon to be promoted, according to her.”

And that was the last straw for Hyejin. She jumped onto Yongsun again and hugged her tight. She was so happy for her friend. Finally, someone for Yongsun to lean on and be happy with.

”Promise me you’ll let me meet her, alright?”

”I promise. After all, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have an idea of her existence.”

Hyejin stilled for a second. When she pulled out, her face was graced by a wide, teasing, grin. Yongsun did not like it at one bit.

”Say that again? Acknowledge my awesome idea, unnie.”

”In your dreams.”

•••

Byulyi was seated on her swivel chair, tired and frustrated. Other than that, she was in pain. She and her new partner, Hyojin, had an unexpected encounter with a kidnapper that day when they were patrolling around their assigned area. It happened near a school where a school bus was parked, waiting for the kids to fill the bus up. Byulyi and Hyojin were about to round the corner when a little girl's scream reached the two officers' senses. One event lead to another. More officers surrounded the school bus, trying to calm the armed bus driver, who also happened to be the kidnapper of around 20 elementary students stucked in it. The confrontation and negotiation with the kidnapper went on for almost three hours only for it to end up with the kidnapper killing himself after not getting what he wants.

"If you can't give me my wife and daughter back, then there's no reason for me to live anymore."

Byulyi remembered everything. Her, desperately trying to talk it out with the driver. Her, slowly, carefully, inching closer to the driver. Also, her, hearing the screams of the children after the driver shot himself dead right in front of everybody.

It was not her fault but she did blame herself for not being of much help to the driver. She felt like a failure. As if she was not enough. She felt lacking despite all the other consoling things Hyojin and the other officers tell her. It was eating her up. And she needed someone. She needed Yongsun. 

It was around 10pm and Byulyi planned another surprise to fetch Yongsun from the airport. She waited inside her car, looking outside the window for any signs of the stewardess. It didn’t take long enough for Byulyi to stare into nothingness and remember that encounter again, though. It flashed through her eyes, and she hated it. Byulyi wanted to forget and move on, but she did not know how. But like a sign from above, her thoughts vanished when she caught glimpse of her most beloved woman. However, she was not alone. And to top it off, Yongsun and this handsome guy seemed to be having too much fun with whatever topic they were having.

Thoughts came flooding in. Bad thoughts.

Byulyi remained calm, though. She stepped out of her car and approached the two oblivious workmates. She can clearly hear Yongsun’s high-pitched laughter and the man’s deep voice the more she close the distance between them. And before she knew it, Byulyi was standing beside Yongsun, an arm instinctively wrapping around the stewardess’s waist. A smile was displayed on Byulyi’s face, yet it was nowhere near friendly.

Yongsun and the guy, Mr. Yoo, based on his uniform’s tag, were both surprised at the sudden appearance of the officer. Being the one quicker to react, however, Mr. Yoo was the first one to acknowledge Byulyi’s presence and offer his hand for a handshake. And Byulyi, still being a good officer that she is, took it and gave him a firm handshake.

”Hello. You must be Yongsun’s workmate?” Byulyi asked, still smiling.

”Ah, yes. I’m Yoo Seungho, the pilot of the plane where Yongsun was assigned. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Officer Moon.”

Yongsun looked at them back and forth. Then she smiled widely, realization finally dawning onto her once again. “Ah, Byul-ah. You surprised me again! We should go. Seungho-ssi has something else to attend to.”

“Oh, yes. I’m pretty much in a hurry. I must go. See you around, Yongsun-ssi! And you too, Officer Moon.” Seungho bid his farewells as he separate from the couple still standing close by each other.

With Seungho’s departure, Byulyi eased and she looked down at her girlfriend. The smile on Yongsun’s face melted Byulyi’s heart, but her clouded mind was still there. She planted a kiss on Yongsun’s forehead before leading her to her car quietly.

After helping Yongsun put her things in the car, they drove off and left the airport. Byulyi was silent, Yongsun was excited. The latter was happy with Byulyi’s surprise again, and she was also happy with the things that happened to her while at work. She told Byulyi about all of it, but Byulyi was giving only little to no attention and reaction to it.

Yongsun noticed, of course. Usually it would be Byulyi who has a lot of stories to tell, but now, not even a single word was heard from her in the car. Byulyi would only nod or smile at everything Yongsun have said. It surely pissed Yongsun off at some point. So, Yongsun decided to just shut and confront Byulyi once they get to her apartment.

“Byul...” Yongsun called out as she close the door behind her.

Byulyi looked back at Yongsun. Her hands rested on her hips and she heaved a deep sigh. “What, unnie?”

Unnie?

Something was definitely wrong. Byulyi have never called her that and truth to be told, it sounded weird for the both of them. Yongsun crossed her arms and readied herself for what may happen. She was tired and Byulyi’s attitude at that moment was not helping at all.

”Alright. Tell me what’s wrong. Why are you suddenly being like this?”

”Like what?” Byulyi asked, feigning innocence. She knew very well how she was acting, and she hates it as well.

”This! God damn it. What’s wrong, Byulyi?”

Yongsun was shaking. She did not know when it started but she just knew she was already frustrated. She does not like how Byulyi was acting. If anything was wrong, Yongsun wanted to talk about it and fix it as soon as possible. But Yongsun does not know how if Byulyi was acting as if nothing was wrong, even though her action, tone, and face says otherwise.

”... I just had a bad day at work.” Byulyi muttered, eyes casted down at the floor.

Yongsun believed her. But she knew there was something more to it. “Is it Seungho?”

The mention of the guy made Byulyi flick her eyes to Yongsun, that was enough for Yongsun to confirm her thoughts. Byulyi was jealous. She saw it in her eyes. If the situation wasn’t that serious, she would’ve teased and cooed Byulyi until they end up cuddled on her bed. Yongsun wished it wasn’t that serious.

Yongsun sighed as she approached Byulyi. When she saw Byulyi not making any move to push or stay away from her, she pulled the taller girl into a tight hug. That moment, Byulyi just broke down. She buried her face on the crook of Yongsun’s neck and cried. Her hold around the stewardess was tight, afraid as if she was going to be taken away any moment. 

“Yong, don’t leave me, please. I’ll do anything. I know I’m not enough, I can’t spend much time with you, and I’m not being a good girlfriend, but I’ll do anything for you. I swear. Yong, please...”

Byulyi was a mess and Yongsun was hurt seeing her girlfriend like this. She held Byulyi at arms length and held onto her face. The tears streaming down Byulyi’s cheeks was never ending, yet Yongsun wiped them out with her thumb. 

She called out, “Byulyi. Byul, calm down. I’m not going anywhere. Byul, look at me.”

And Byulyi did. She was in pain. She hated herself for having these thoughts again and she hated herself for having this kind of doubt on their relationship. Yongsun leaned in to kiss Byulyi, softly, passionately. She hoped a kiss would lessen Byulyi’s worries.

”I am not going anywhere. I am all yours, I promise.”

Yongsun and Byulyi still ended up in each other’s arms, except that it happened on Yongsun’s couch. Byulyi calmed down, but still, she held onto Yongsun tightly. Ease and peace settled in her mind and heart. Byulyi opened up with what happened at work which led to her troubled mind. That moment also made Byulyi tell Yongsun about her past relationship that did not end well, with Byulyi’s ex-girlfriend leaving her because ‘she was too busy with work’ and because ‘she found someone better’.

”Byul, I love you so much. Every moment with you, I cherish. Everything you do, I appreciate. Everyday of my life knowing that you’re mine and I’m yours, I am thankful for.”

A smile grazed Byulyi’s lips. Her eyes were locked onto Yongsun’s and before she knew it, she fell much more deeply in love. She could not help but sigh. “I love you so so much. Too much, I think, that I might have rubbed off some of my grease to you. I’m kinda bothered.”

Yongsun’s laughed filled the living room. “You know what you should be bothered by more?”

Byulyi raised a curious eyebrow.

”You got jealous of Seungho-ssi, and that man... he got a boyfriend.”

“What–“

Your Darkest Self
"I think love is about being your darkest, most destructive self. To be loved, not in spite of this but because of it."

- Lang Leav