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castles in the air (where we are at)

Mouth: when we kiss, i swallow the stars that rise in my throat. i want to sweep all sorrow from your bones.

*

She’s twenty-four this year and she would like to say that she has a direction in life and that she knows exactly what she’s doing, thank you very much. She would also like to say that she’s old enough to make good decisions for herself. So what if empirical evidence points otherwise? It’s not a bad decision, per se…

When she finds herself in Taeyeon’s bed for the third Friday in a row, only stumbling out when she’s morning-sober and Taeyeon-is-gone, she doesn’t question it. She doesn’t want to think about what she’s doing with a girl that only spells trouble. A look at her, and her friends would beg her to stay the hell away from people like that.  

In another time, she would have agreed. She would have agreed that Taeyeon is the harbinger of chaos and disaster. She is trouble. A part of her, the logical side, the “I was brought up in the upper-middle class” side, screams at her to stop and evaluate her actions and break whatever this is off, but she finds herself coming back. That side of her tells her that whatever her parents said was right. That anyone with a penchant for multiple tattoos and piercings – however dainty and perfect they were – spelled TROUBLE, in bolded, underlined and italicised capital letters. Maybe even make it font size hundred to drive the emphasis home.

But now, she finds that she doesn’t seem to care about these things. Not when Taeyeon looks so terrifically amazing in a tight leather jacket and laced up combat boots. Not when she’s drunk and she kisses the girl such that that perfect little dimple appears as Taeyeon’s lips curls into a one-sided smirk. Not when she’s drunk and the way Taeyeon kisses knocks the air out of her lungs and leaves her screaming for more. Not when she’s drunk and the way Taeyeon curls her fingers inside her makes her come undone with embarrassingly loud chants of God.

On the fourth weekend, she protests. She is a little soberer than she usually is. She’s drunk a little less, ate a little more. She mumbles half-heartedly into Taeyeon’s collarbone that maybe she would like to get to know Taeyeon a little better, since they stumble into bed together with clockwork regularity. Taeyeon’s eyes are curious and a little wide when Tiffany asks this, but she doesn’t seem to pay much mind to Tiffany’s question before she resumes necking the other girl.

Tiffany doesn’t press the issue. Not when Friday is meant for her to unwind after a long and decidedly stressful week of her Master’s programme and tutoring duties for incompetent freshmen.

*

By the end of the month, Tiffany doesn’t return to the same club.

She doesn’t want to see Taeyeon. Taeyeon, whose last name she didn’t even know. Is Taeyeon even her real name?

Who is she?

Does she smoke?

Probably not.

Why does she always leave in the morning?

Morning afters are awkward, Tiffany.

Does she have to have such nice eyes?

Well unfortunately, apparently.

*

The days stretch by and Tiffany spends them sipping bitter black coffee as she pours over her work. She once hated the acidity of pure black coffee. Quality coffee is roasted. It’s bitter. It leaves an aftertaste. It tastes like it’s burnt.

Now? It’s an everyday affair she doesn’t put down.

When she meets Jessica for the first time in months – Jessica got back from Hong Kong – Jessica eyes her warily when Tiffany orders an iced black coffee, unsweetened.

“Tiff? It’s so cold we’re wearing gloves.” Jessica’s eyes flit down. “Or we’re meant to be.”

“Oh. Yeah. Right.” Tiffany’s fingers close around the cup. “Hmm.”

Jessica studies her face. “You know, I’ve not seen you for a bit. Did you lose weight?”

“Me?” Tiffany chortles. “I don’t know. Did I?”

“Probably, yeah. Your wrist bones are sticking out.”

Tiffany her head to the side. “I’ve not noticed. They look kind of nice, no?”

Jessica smiles, indulgently. “You’ve always looked nice, Tiffany dear. Now come on, tell me about your semester. How are things going?”

“Oh. You know. Same old, same old.” And that’s the problem.

*

Tiffany is about to take a sip from the glass before a pale hand grabs her wrist.

 “Taeyeon?” She asks, incredulously. “You’re here?”

Taeyeon sniffs. “I should be asking you that, coming to this bar alone, of all places. You really shouldn’t be in this sort of place.”

“You’re here.”

“Ah, but we’re very different people.”

“We are?”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “Don’t play dumb with me, Fany. Case in point: did you even check to see what the guy was putting in your glass? Please. He put drugs in them.”

Tiffany’s brow hitches. She hadn’t noticed. Nor did she bother to check. “And you care because…”

“Because drugs with people,” Taeyeon states bluntly. “They’re expensive and they with your head. People like you shouldn’t take any of that .”

“And you? Do you?”

“Ah, if I told you, that’ll be admitting to something illegal, no?” Taeyeon almost smiles. “But no, I really don’t. And say, are you alone, here?”

“Well…” Tiffany hesitates. “I… yes.”

Tiffany is unwilling to admit that she wanted to be alone. And that this bar seemed like the perfect place for her to not bump into anyone she knew. Apparently, she was wrong.

But then again, Taeyeon has never been an unwelcome sight. Besides, Taeyeon being Taeyeon, which is to say, Taeyeon isn’t part of her world, means that Taeyeon carries none of that baggage.

“Then let’s get out of here.”

And that’s how she finds herself clinging to smoke-scented leather, speeding down dark streets on a motorcycle on a Friday night.

Taeyeon smells divine. This is something that she established when she first crashed her lips onto Taeyeon, nearly two months ago. Despite the alcohol, she remembers quite distinctly that it was she the one who dragged Taeyeon across the club’s floor, hailed a cab, and pulled Taeyeon up to her apartment. It’s something short of a miracle that her drunken self had managed to do that. Not once, but three times more.

Taeyeon smells of smoke and leather. Taeyeon smells of ocean and salt. Taeyeon smells of vanilla and roses. Everything is incongruous and everything is Taeyeon.

Taeyeon smells like ruination.

I have never tasted ruin until I tasted you.

What am I doing?

I don’t know.

And she finds that when they fly by the seaside at fifty-five miles per hour, she doesn’t give a damn.

She doesn’t care that there’s a ton of essays that she has to mark so her ungrateful students get to pass this semester. She doesn’t care that she has to chair a student-led talk for the university next week and she doesn’t have anything prepared yet. She doesn’t care that her dad, all the way back in the suburbs, wonder what his daughter gets up to on Friday nights.

With Taeyeon, it’s all about the now.

Taeyeon seems to realise this. She turns, slightly, so Tiffany can see her side profile. Said side profile sports her half-smirk.

God, she’s annoying.

God, she is a lovely sight to behold.

“Where to, Tiffany?” Taeyeon’s voice is drowned by the buzzing of the motors, the whoosh of the wind, and the crashing of the waves at the height of winter.

“I think it’s fair that you pick this time round!”

Taeyeon laughs.

“I don’t think you want me to bring you to church right now!”

Tiffany laughs too. “God, no!”

“Hurry up and pick some place then!”

Tiffany decides that she shan’t.

She tells Taeyeon just this.

Another laugh sounds from the girl.

“Really?”

*

Ribcage: when she presses her ear against the ridges of her ribs, she thinks that she knows the sound of her heart. the rhythm is simple, if a little erratic. it flutters. i tell you that it will make for a poor rap beat – it is too irregular. you laugh.

*

Darkness. Cliff. Wind. Waves. Crash.

For weeks, they have been coming here to freeze before Tiffany lets Taeyeon bring her home. Sometimes, Taeyeon stays over. But it’s only today does Taeyeon make this suggestion.

Tiffany stares at Taeyeon as the girl gestures at the darkness below.

“Are you nuts.”

Taeyeon’s lips tug into a smirk. “I see you’re still sane. Just checking, you know. You’ve been hanging out with me a lot.”

Tiffany rolls her eyes. “I know I’m insane. You’ve told me this before. But really, jumping off a cliff? I know winter is ending soon but…”

“Hey, hey, I get the point. No suicidal leaps in winter. Point made, loud and clear. We can do this sometime in the summer, if you’d like.”

That would mean that Taeyeon planned to stick around until summer. Or maybe that was an offhand remark. Maybe she’s reading too much into her words.

“What makes you think that I would want to?” Tiffany says, archly.

A shadow crosses Taeyeon’s face. Taeyeon shrugs.

Tiffany realises that Taeyeon probably didn’t catch what she meant. She opens to speak before Taeyeon could say something to change the topic, like she always did.

“Wait, Tae. I meant that I would be rather disinclined to jump down the cliff. Not about summer.” Her tongue has grown heavier.

“So…” Taeyeon frowns a little.

Tiffany curses a little too. She’s usually a lot better with her words.

“What I meant that is that… if you want me around by summer, I may just be here.”

The shadow evaporates from Taeyeon’s face. Some playfulness returns. “Here? I hope that you head home sometime. Winter and cliffside vigils don’t go well together.”

Tiffany’s eyes roll again.

*

It goes unsaid and neither of them think to vocalise it, but Tiffany reserves every Friday evening and Saturday mornings for Taeyeon. Taeyeon does the same. They have acquired each other’s numbers.

Tiffany thinks about it one day, and wonders if they are friends with benefits.

They are certainly not girlfriends even if Tiffany isn’t sleeping with anyone else. She doesn’t bother dating the guys that her friends suggest for her. She doesn’t bother making up a proper excuse when her dad asks her why she hasn’t brought a guy home for him to intimidate. She doesn’t say yes to the guys who ask her out – and there are certainly quite a few who do.

Maybe they’re buddies. That sounds way less chummy. But it also sounds very inelegant.

Ah, well. She cannot put a name to what this is with her.

Sometimes, when she thinks about her, she thinks about swallowing her whole.

Obviously, she doesn't mean it in the literal sense.

But she wants to map out the other girl, to know the network of her brain. She wants to kiss Taeyeon so every nerve in her head is alight. She wants to see the glow in her eyes, sparkling brightly at her. She wants to know that she's responsible for this light. That she crafted the nebulae that burst into flames, made a star burn only for her. When the night falls, she kisses a trail down her nape and burns her lips the girl's skin, whose blood races hot and boldly just underneath.

When she’s with Taeyeon, she wants. Taeyeon wants her.

She wants her.

Wanting makes her feel alive. It makes the blood flow in her veins again. It makes her heart thump. It makes her heart beat more quickly than it usually does. It makes her eyes light up. It makes soul soar.

*

Eyes: i think i get how you see things now. i don’t know if i like my version of things, or if i like your clarity better.

*

Her friends will say that Taeyeon is bad for her.

She disagrees.

At some point in her year, she has come to realise why Taeyeon smells of ruination. Taeyeon smells of smoke and leather and all things decidedly not a part of her world.

Her world is paper cuts and tapping on keyboards. It is headaches and neckaches and sleep deprivation and caffeine withdrawal. It is drowning in coffee, turning your nose up at Starbucks but buying it anyway when you need a fix. It is wondering why they are chasing the next paper and externally outlined milestone without knowing why.

Taeyeon barged into her life and supplanted these goals. With Taeyeon, she wonders why she is doing everything. Why is she pursuing this? Why does she play nice with some people she hates anyway? Why is she saddling herself with more student loan debt when she doesn’t know why she is doing it all? Why does she let herself get suspended in an endless wait for something that she doesn’t even know will come?

Taeyeon, oh Taeyeon.

Taeyeon fills that void and pulls the hole open.

There are questions that Taeyeon asks that she cannot answer.

“What are you going to do after this?” is something that she always hears.

But when Taeyeon asks this question, with her wide brown eyes, she pauses.

Things like the need to pay back her existing debt with her potential income or just oh, economics and political science is really her thing won’t cut it for Taeyeon. They will sound like excuses to Taeyeon. Flipping the answer inside her head, it doesn’t really work for her either.

Damn it.

Does it make her happy now? Taeyeon would ask.

Now? Um, not really. But my dad…

Why care about now when the future is more important?

Taeyeon would say: it, you need to live.

Adrenaline isn’t the only way, she would argue. Racing down streets on your bike isn’t the only way to live.

Taeyeon’s laughter would be bright, amused. If you thought adrenaline fuelled my life…

Tiffany pushes this constructed hypothetical conversation out of her mind to sip some coffee from a very pink mug and scribble on the paper’s margins. Something something, you are making a good point here…

She sighs and tucks S9891309D’s script away. Grading papers when Taeyeon’s on her mind is never something she can do.

*

[0244]: hey, are you awake

[0245]: maybe?

[0245]: I can’t sleep.

[0248]: right.

[0248]: can I tell you about my day?

[0251]: well I guess your answer is no but I’ve not been able to get this off my mind. and I cannot tell anyone else. Soo would be sad that I felt this way. I mean, she would be okay with this but. I don’t know. Don’t let me get started on Seo, oh my god. The thought of it gives me a headache.

[0255]: so… there’s just this thing that’s really, really been bothering me lately. I’ve not really been able to focus on the stuff I’ve to do for the university, and okay, that’s normal. We all have our ty days. But ok, it is kind of my fault because I’ve not moisturised my hands lately and when I flipped this book, I cut myself. It bled. I ing cried because of that. I was alone in the office since the other tutor had already gone home for the day but God, I don’t know.

[0256]: I don’t even know where I’m going with this. Right, the lack of… focus. It’s just… I don’t… There’s…

[0257]: I just feel that whatever I’m doing has no direction to it.

[0257]: Ok, you don’t have to hear me rant aimlessly. Can I just type happy things?

[0300]: Yesterday, Yul came up with a plan! The bunch of us are going to go hiking soon. God, I hate bugs. They are gross. But Yul doesn’t seem to care. Soo’s pretty enthusiastic about traipsing off into the unknown. Seo is trying to say that it’s still too cold out for bugs to be about. What a liar. Bugs are everywhere.

[0302]: Yul also wants to volunteer at the dog shelter soon. Seo’s vehemently opposed to cleaning dog . I can’t say I’m too happy about that prospect. We may change our plans and opt for someplace else instead. Soo suggests that we organise a small fundraiser for the local orphanage. That sounded great. I want to do something else instead. But I’m not sure what cause I want to throw myself behind. I mean, I certainly won’t be throwing my money behind PETA. Maybe I’ll get a dog. Or two. My apartment is kinda empty.

[0305]: I’ll try getting some rest soon. I need to finish this stack. These kids have terrible grammar – how are they ever going to get their social science degree?

[0309]: hey, open the door? 

*

She doesn’t want to believe it until she opens the door. Then she gapes. And stares.

Finally, she says, “It’s not a Friday yet.”

Lopsided grin. “Yeah, I know. But…” Taeyeon shrugs and waves her phone about. “Just felt like dropping by.”

“Right. Colour me convinced.”

“And you know, you were upset. So I’m here.”

It’s barely spring and decidedly quite cold still. Taeyeon’s hands are freezing when Tiffany reaches out to pull her in.

“You really need to wear some gloves when you ride your bike.”

“But they’ll ruin my nails.”

A beat of incredulity.

“You don’t have nails. If you did…”

Taeyeon’s grin just grows wider. That dimple on her chin appears and Tiffany resists the urge to poke at it.

*

guts: say something, god damn it.

*

Spring has started to bring the warmth to the air. The stranglehold that the snow has cast upon all the land has begun to weaken. Flowers begin to push their way out of the soil, finally finding enough strength. Little green buds have begun to appear on trees. Photosynthesis returns to these trees and they begin to return what they borrowed to their evergreen counterparts. The streets sigh in relief as snowstorms desist. Less cars skid their way across icy roads. Snow doesn’t have to be shovelled off the driveway every morning.

Snow begins to melt.

There are days that it still snows, of course. Winter doesn’t relent. Winter doesn’t want to leave.

One night, Tiffany receives a phone call.

Her first thought is that Taeyeon didn’t mean to call her, of all people.

Her second thought was to call the hospital.

*

She arrives at the scene before the ambulance does. The ambulance is probably lost. Or maybe they aren’t going to bother to come to this part of town.

They are near the bar that Taeyeon dragged her out of just a few months back. Tiffany knows these roads well enough by now to find Taeyeon without too much difficulty.

Taeyeon’s warm blood has seeped into the snow.

Tiffany doesn’t know if the snow was this dirty before Taeyeon bled all over it. This part of town has never been particularly clean. Taeyeon is bleeding. A lot more than Tiffany would like. Taeyeon has propped herself up against a pillar, looking completely nonchalant.

Business as usual.

*

Where are you?

Behind.

Behind where?

That ugly neon sign. You know, the one where the k went blast.

You… You don’t sound well.

Taeyeon had laughed.

No. I’ve been shot.

What?

Yeah. I’m sorry to bother you.

No, no, it’s not a bother at all. But…

My ride ditched me. No taxi’s going to pick me up. So yeah, could you come get me?

*

They were both right, of course. The ambulance didn’t want to venture to that part of town. The paramedics hate retrieving anyone from there. It’s Good Friday and really, why did Jesus die so that they had to save the scum on the streets? Vermin from that part of town are better off dead.

Tiffany almost shakes with anger when she comes to this realisation, three minutes after finding Taeyeon on the ground.

The older woman simply tells her not to rile herself up too much. This happens all the time. They’re in the inner city, and everyone who aren’t her sort are afraid to come here. Really, it’s okay. Now, could you press something against my wound and help me? It’s probably not fatal. Don’t worry. I’ll pay for the clean-up. I know people who don’t mind cleaning blood up. Don’t look at me like that, please. I will live.

On the way to the hospital, Taeyeon makes a ty joke about Good Friday. Something about rising from the dead. Tiffany almost hits her for that.

“Oh, um, keep my gun for me?”

*

Seohyun is at the hospital. Initially, Tiffany doesn’t notice her presence, too preoccupied as she is with getting the receptionist to admit Taeyeon.

“Yes, it’s an emergency! What the hell. She got shot.”

The receptionist is thrown. Tiffany’s accent is decidedly too… inconsistent with the image of the patient she brought in. Her consonants are sharp and her vowels too clear for her to be of Taeyeon’s sort. Taeyeon doesn’t speak all this while, her usually pale face made paler from the blood loss.

The receptionist’s eyes dart between Tiffany and Taeyeon. Tiffany’s crisp white shirt is rumpled and stained with blood. Taeyeon’s leather jacket fails to hide the blood on her shirt.

“Um. We’ll get… Someone will attend to her immediately.”

At some point, Taeyeon is carted off by a series of employees. Only then does Tiffany raise her head to see Seohyun. Seohyun, who presses a cup of black coffee into her hands wordlessly, her large eyes wide with something Tiffany doesn’t know how to name.

Tiffany stops chewing on her lips then.

“Seo! I didn’t… expect to see you here. You’re on shift today?”

“Yeah. I went to church earlier but I’m back now.” Seohyun lowers her head. Seohyun pauses, considering. “The hospital’s black coffee is foul. But it’s what you’ve been drinking lately… so.”

“I didn’t go to church today,” Tiffany blurts.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Aren’t you going to say anything about it?”

Seohyun shrugs. “It’s not really my business to pry. Anyway, I’d prefer that you drink black coffee here instead of taking shots alone elsewhere.”

Tiffany winces.

“You noticed?” She doesn’t bother to deny it.

Seohyun squints at her, somewhat mirthfully, as if to say: nothing escapes my purview, Tiffany. “You’ve not been drinking that much lately though. That’s good. Alcohol is bad for your health.” Seohyun offers a small smile.

Tiffany wonders why Seohyun seems to be treading so lightly around her. Seohyun is picking her words carefully, presenting them evenly. They’re friends, no?

“But coffee is too. Better than vodka, of course.”

“Maybe I should move to Finland. I hear they’re huge coffee fans.”

“Ah, but I’ll miss you.” Seohyun’s eyes flit towards the other end of the corridor. “I think she’ll miss you too. Does she say it?”

“What?”

Seohyun shrugs again. “Never mind. I got to go. I’ve slacked off enough as it is.”

“You? Slacking off? Oh the shock!”

“We don’t always do things that are expected of us. You of all people should know that.” Seohyun’s face softens further. “She’ll be alright, don’t worry.” She gives Tiffany a light squeeze on the shoulder before she pulls away from her.

“Wait—”

“Bye, Tiffany. Don’t be a stranger.”

With that, Tiffany is left alone on the cold metal chair, Styrofoam cup in hand as she stares after the taller girl’s retreating figure. She feels oddly exposed as the fluorescents glare down at her.

*

Seohyun is right, of course. She always is. Taeyeon is okay. Taeyeon asks for her the second the painkillers wear off and the nurses declare her fit to receive visitors. Taeyeon is noticeably less pale than before, which is great, because by this point Tiffany has worn her lips down to shreds out of anxiety.

“They told me you were still sticking around.”

“Hey yourself. You don’t look too bad. Even with all the needles poking into you. Or that bandage.”

“Oh? I’m sure I look perfectly ravishing right now.”

“Don’t. Please.”

“Why haven’t you left?” Cutting straight to the chase.

“Because you’re here.”

“Precisely.”

“To be more precise, I wanted to make sure you’re okay. Can’t go home and lose sleep over wondering if you were okay, or if you weren’t.”

“But you should go. You really shouldn’t stick around me. Trouble follows me.”

“I’m sure it does. But it’s not as if you don’t encourage it.” As soon as the words leave Tiffany’s mouth, she realises that this is probably true. Taeyeon pursues her troubles. Why? What drives her to it? Simply for the now meant little. What makes her do it? What does she do, anyway?

“You have questions.”

Yeah, of course she does. “Do you want some water first? Your voice sounds like chicken scratch.”

A smile. “I would laugh, but that’ll hurt. But yes, please.”

Tiffany slips out of the room to get a cup from the dispenser.

Fluorescent. White. Stillness.

Her hands are shaking when she hands the cup of water to Taeyeon.

For a long moment, neither of them say anything.

Tiffany studies the tired lines on Taeyeon’s face. The darkened eye circles, now that she’s void of all makeup. The harsh glare of the hospital lights is very good for highlighting all the flaws on your face. She vaguely remembers reading that people look ugliest under fluorescents, and everyone looks better in dimmer light. The shadows play better on your face. The shadows leave room for imagination, and makes us all look better. The light is nowhere near reticent about drawing out their flaws. It makes Taeyeon’s face look plainly drawn. Between the slight crease of her brows, the obvious shallowness of her breaths, she looks painfully tired. Gone is the limpid glow that Tiffany thought Taeyeon had when they stood underneath the moonlight, mere months ago when they stood by the cliffside. In its place is a weight. There is the weight of the world. There is the weight of her breaths. There is also the weight of her gaze, sharp and alert and dare she say it – frightened?

“I’m an accountant.”

That makes Tiffany snort, temporarily snapping the heavy thread of air between them.

“Hey!” Taeyeon’s lips curve slightly now. “I am. I do the math. I’m in charge of punching that calculator and making sure all the numbers are tallied so yeah. Math.”

“An accountant? Never figured you for one. Really.”

Taeyeon moves her shoulders in what is meant to be a shrug. “Everyone needs an accountant. Math is very important, you know.”

“How?”

“My teacher in middle school told us that if we wanted to join the mafia and like that, we’d better be good at math. Couldn’t get that idea out of my head.”

“No, what I mean is – how did you get into this mess? And please. Levity. That. Just be serious for once, I’m begging you.”

“This mess, as a whole, or just today? As a whole? That’s kind of too long a story to tell. The nurse’s probably going to want to kick you out. She hates my guts. Ha.”

“Very funny.” Taeyeon was shot there.

“Nah. I just wanted out of this job. My new boss is a . The old one? Overall less dodgy. The new guy’s running less than legal shipments of weapons. Probably dabbles in the narcotics too. Numbers look hella swelled. And he gives me the heebie-jeebies. Ever come across a guy who makes you think he’s a snake? Like Lord Voldemort and all? Yeah. That’s him. He doesn’t have a ing nose. I can’t work for someone without a ing nose.”

“I take it that he wasn’t pleased?”

“Duh.”

Tiffany just stares at Taeyeon, wondering how she could be so nonchalant about the whole thing. Because for ’s sake, she’s been shot, and she doesn’t seem too concerned!

“Please, don’t worry about me. He’s not out to kill me.”

“But you’ve been shot. You know all the ins and outs of the business – and didn’t you just say that he strikes you the wrong way?”

Taeyeon sighs. “I would like to assume that this deliberate failure means that he just wants to shackle me with some hospital bills and we’d part ways forever. You know, I have no way of knowing anything. Of whether he’s going to watch me forever. Doubt it, since I’m just the math person.”

“Just the math person? Then… your gun?”

“You still have it, right?” Her voice is all chirpy.

“A smoking gun’s sitting inside my car.”

“Aww. Thanks.”

The lights are too bright. She doesn’t know why exactly this bothers her so much.

Tiffany doesn’t really know what else she wants to ask. She wants to keep Taeyeon by her side. Some part of her really does. But she doesn’t know what that really means.

Taeyeon suddenly reaches for her arm.

“Will I see you around in summer still?”

*

Heart: you left your beating heart in my hands. you stare at me with the wildest eyes, as if i would rend your heart and tear it to shreds. did you think that i was hannibal when you handed your heart to me?

*

Taeyeon’s come to retrieve her gun.

Or so she claimed when she stepped into Tiffany’s apartment two hours ago.

Or so she claimed the past five times this has happened.

Now?

Now they’re lying in bed together, sated and warm.

Things are such as they are now. Things are such as they are so Tiffany doesn’t question anything about this. Not when she’s lying beside Taeyeon, their limbs entangled around each other. They’re both slightly sweaty, but it’s alright.

Taeyeon turns to face her. Her eyes are light. The table lamp makes her look pretty. The sheen of sweat makes her look like she’s shining. And honestly? Her eyes are starry. They’re bright and lovely. There is enough shadow beneath her cheekbones to make it look like her eyes are gleaming. The darkness that is cast on her face makes her pink lips stick out a little more.

Taeyeon shifts, and Tiffany lets out a soft whine. They were so comfortable before.

“You know,” Tiffany suddenly says. “You talk in your sleep.”

“Oh?”

“I noticed it a while ago. But you do.”

“Do I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

Tiffany touches Taeyeon’s lip lightly with her clean finger. “Nope. I just had trouble falling asleep.”

“Had?”

“It’s a little better lately.”

“That’s good to hear. Speaking of hearing, what do I say when I sleep? Nothing incriminating, I hope.”  

Taeyeon moves a little closer to her. Her angle makes the weight distribution terribly uneven, but she doesn’t say anything about it because Taeyeon’s warm breaths fan her neck. Then again, some part of her wants to complain, because Taeyeon’s shift moves her eyes away from her.

“No. Nothing incriminating. Don’t worry that pretty little head of yours.”

“That’s my line. And you think I’m pretty?”

“The last time I asked something to the tune of that, you told me you only slept with pretty girls, Tae.”

“Ouch. Still sore about that?”

“Perhaps,” she allows.

“Come on,” Taeyeon pulls way slightly. “Forgive me?”

Taeyeon doesn’t wait for an answer before she simply presses her lips against Tiffany. It’s hard to refuse her request right now, of all times.

She pulls back. “You’re such a cheater oh my god. This is so unfair.”

A waggle of eyebrows. She whacks Taeyeon’s , eliciting a yelp from her.

“Cheater? Am decidedly not one.”

She gives a stern look.

“Okay, okay. Maybe in this. Not in anything else. Like, you know. This thing we have.”

Her heart skips a beat.

“What?”

Taeyeon’s eyes widen, like she’s unsure of whether she should have said that. Tiffany sees Taeyeon’s panic and feels Taeyeon’s heart accelerate a little bit. The vein in Taeyeon’s neck pops a bit. She’s sure that if she pressed her head down to Taeyeon’s chest, she’d hear her heart race.

She’s sure that her own one is doing the same thing too.

So she just reaches for Taeyeon’s hand and squeezes her pale fingers lightly. Taeyeon lets out a long, still breath. Tiffany hums a little, aiming to soothe. Her other hand runs along the ridge of Taeyeon’s spine. She swears that Taeyeon’s next breath shudders.

“Tiffany,” Taeyeon tugs one of her hands out from beneath her to cup her face, “can you stay, for summer?”

Her hand counts her bones.

One, two, three.

Taeyeon lets out a breath.

Four. Five. Six.

Another breath.

Seven.

A slight flash of hurt appears in Taeyeon’s eyes.

Ah, she’s pondered for too long.

“Silly girl. I’m glad you asked. But where else would I go?”

Another breath.

“Back? Back to where you think you’re from?”

Her own brows knit. She squeezes Taeyeon’s fingers again.

“I come from nowhere else. Wherever I am now is where I choose to be.”

With this, she marvels at her own certainty.

Some part of her knows that when she says this, there’s still a ton of things she’s got to work through herself. But the other part knows that this?

This is where she wants to be.

From here, she might take that leap of faith off the cliff with Taeyeon in the summer. She’ll be terrified, yes, but Taeyeon thinks it’s fun. Taeyeon also thinks it’s safe enough. So who’s she to deliberate any further?

She returns a question of her own. “Will you stay for breakfast? My apartment is kinda empty still.”

The impish grin returns. “Only if I get to cook. I’ve got this nagging feeling that you… don’t.”

Her fingers slide from Taeyeon’s back and pokes at Taeyeon’s exposed stomach, earning squeals from the girl as she hurriedly pulls away.

In her haste, she winds up on the ground.

But she’s all smiles. It’s probably the goofiest grin she’s seen on her.

She’s probably a mirror image of Taeyeon too. 

---

A/N:

Yes ok this was needlessly long i confess my sins / / was also super pointless i'm sorry :"")

but this was really more of a do-it-for-the-aesthetic thing? 
My alternative summary was "amodernau fic no one asked for, inspired by that leather jacket taeyeon wore for vogue korea."

I know nothing about anatomy unless it's high school biology. but it's been a year and myoglobin sounds like myocardium by this point. 

I may proof read when my exams are over // if I can bear to look at this again. If there were font formatting issues / random sentences jumbling up ok I am sorry AFF hates me and my word to editor copy & paste, for some reason.

Thanks for reading this trash still :")     

(I didn't plan this but ooh it's Taeny day. Happy Taeny day haha.)