In Order To Live

Be careful when you try to fix a broken person

for you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces

***

Sunggyu couldn't believe his eyes. He was careful. He knew the food he selected shouldn't upset Woohyun's stomach. So why was he puking? One look at Woohyun's guilty face explained everything and he could feel his blood run cold. . This was more serious than Sunggyu originally thought. What was he supposed to do? He kept rubbing circles on Woohyun's back, silently praying. How long had been Woohyun doing this? He was so thin. Why did he even start? Sunggyu kept going over the last weeks and months, desperetaly trying to pinpoint what could set Woohyun off. He came with nothing. Nothing really changed.... Except... Sunggyu's heart froze. Was it him? Was it because they stopped sleeping with each other? But he only stopped after he noticed how tired Woohyun looked. Sunggyu was at loss. He felt incredibly stupid. His best friend was suffering and not only he hadn't noticed for God knows how long... now, that he knew about it, he still couldn't figure out how to help him. Woohyun stopped throwing up after some time but the sobs kept wrecking his body and Sunggyu's eyes pricked with unshed tears. He had to stay strong for him.

***

"Come on, Woohyun-ah. Let's go sit in the living room."

Woohyun obliged.

"Why?"

"I'm sorry." Woohyun said brokenly.

"Don't be. I should be the one who is sorry, Hyunnie. I should have noticed."

Woohyun shook his head, still crying.

"Please... tell me...why?"

Woohyun kept quiet.

"Okay... let's start with an easier question. How long?"

Woohyun averted his eyes.

"Hyunnie, come on. You need to tell me."

"A few months... I am not sure how long exactly."

"Is it anorexia?"

Woohyun chewed on his lip and slightly shook his head. Sunggyu cocked an eyebrow.

"Bulimia." He whispered. 

"But you haven't eaten a lot in the restaurant."

"I ate before you came."

Sunggyu heart stopped.

"What?"

"After... After you left... I... Uhm... I sometimes feel... empty. So I eat... to not feel empty. I don't know how to explain it."

"It's okay, take your time. So you eat not to feel empty?"

Woohyun nodded.

"Then why do you puke it out afterwards?" Woohyun looked at his knees.

"Fat." He said so quietly, Sunggyu almost missed it.

"Woohyun-ah, you are not fat."

"I am and I would be even more if I kept it down."

"Hyunnie, you are too skinny. There is no fat on your body whatsoever. That's why I approached you. You need to gain weight, not loose it."

"I can't. You do not understand."

"Then please tell me... make me understand."

"Hyung~" A sob. Sunggyu couldn't restrain himself anymore, he hugged Woohyun. 

"Shhhh. I'm sorry. I won't push you. It's okay. You don't have to tell me. I will just stay by your side... I cannot let you harm yourself anymore. I love you too much."

Woohyun's breath hitched.

"We will overcome this, okay? Together?"

"What... what did you say, hyung?"

"Hm? That we will pull through this together?"

"Before that?"

Sunggyu chuckled.

"That I love you?"

Woohyun's eyes widen.

"You do?"

"Of course, I do. What did you think? That you are a casual hook up?"

Woohyun blinked.

"B-b-but you said... it's because you have no other choice."

"Perhaps it wasn't my greatest confession... I tried to play it cool... but I believe I said something among the lines, I only want you."

Woohyun stopped crying, he seemed shell shocked.

"What?"

"I love you. I have always loved you. It took me a long time to name the feelings I had for you but when I did... I couldn't stop myself. I wanted you so badly, I was sure I would go crazy. So I tried to lure you in... To see if... if you feel the same. I was shocked when you agreed to my proposal and a bit heartbroken that you didn't confess but I kept telling myself that it's okay. That I am still the only one you let in. That it has to mean something. But after some time, I started to feel guilty. Perhaps, I was using you. What if you agreed only because you care about me too much but do not love me? I am selfish, Hyunnie. I couldn't let you go. After, I realized you may not want it ... I wanted you that much more. Fearing our time together will come to an end soon. But then you... you started to look so tired and fragile... I didn't want to hurt you but now... Now, I can stop the feeling that this is all my fault. Please tell me that it wasn't me who pushed you over the edge."

Woohyun started to cry again.

"You didn't... it... it was all my fault. I was too foolish. I should have told you that I love you."

"You are not serious."

"I am. I love you, Gyu."

Sunggyu started to cry as well. Crushing the younger boy in his embrace again.

"So it is my fault."

Woohyun shook his head.

"No. It wasn't because of... that... I just... felt worthless."

"Woohyunnie, you mean the world to me."

"I didn't know."

"Well... now you do."

"Yes."

"Will it change anything?"

"I... I don't know. Perhaps."

Sunggyu gently kissed him on the lips.

"You are loved. By your family, friends, other members, fans... and I love you more than you can imagine. Don't make us sad. When you... hurt yourself like that, you are hurting us ten times more."

Woohyun kissed Sunggyu too.

"I will try to be stronger."

"Do you remember what you said to me before our first time?"

Woohyun looked puzzled.

"As long as you need me, I will always be here, ready to close any holes  you have and heal any wounds you get."

They looked at each, both smiling through their tears.

***

You cannot save other people

you can only love them

the end