In Order To Live

Would you die in order to live?

***

"You know... when you gaze at the sky in the night you see countless stars and you are automatically drawn to the brightest ones. However, that doesn't mean those stars shine more than others. They are just closer to us so we can see their light much better. If we go closer... we may realize some of them are dead already and we saw just an echo of their light still traveling through the space. And if all stars disappeared and only one was left, wouldn't that star naturally become the brightest? Still... the stars will never shine as much as the moon and we all know the moon is only reflecting the light of the sun. So tell me? What would you rather be? The star, the moon or the sun?"

"I would rather be the sky, hyung. Because then... no matter what would you choose to be... the star, the moon or the sun... I could still be with you forever."

***

There is something magical about waking up early. It's quiet, peaceful. Nobody is around and you can observe how the world awakens. The first shops opening, the sun rising, the people slowly filling the streets. And yet... that's only one reality. Because somewhere in the east the world is already up and somewhere in the west it's going to sleep. For all of us... the early morning is similar to the late night. It's the perfect time to think. Woohyun sometimes wished, he could stop thinking.

***

The truly smart people don't give all of themselves to others. They give you either their heart or their body but never both and certainly never whole. They can cut a piece of themselves and entrust you with it but even if they happen to loose that piece of themselves... They can simply alter their shape and discard the piece that was mistakingly placed. It may hurt, it may scar... The wound may never heal but there is still enough of them to continue living and perhaps... One day, they decide they wish to cut yet another piece of themselves and give it to someone else. And maybe... They will also be entrusted with pieces of others. They may even fill the missing pieces of themselves with the pieces of others. Just like a puzzle or tetris game... they slowly build and reconstruct themselves... Yes, the truly smart people give and take and eventually all the pieces fall into place. Perfectly.

***

Woohyun wasn't smart. When he met Sunggyu he gave him his whole heart without thinking. There was no point in giving him only a piece. Sunggyu deserved it all so Woohyun gave it and never asked for anything back. So even when he was left with a hole in his chest, he didn't mind. And just like that... The years went by.

Without the heart, all Woohyun had left was his body and so he decided to give most of it to their group and their fans. He exercised till his muscles burned and sculptured his abs to perfection. He sang till his throat was raw. He went on for hours without taking a break because he wanted to sing live even during the concerts. He sang while he ran on a treadmill, he sang while he jumped a rope. Building up the stamina to hit the high notes even during their intense choreos. Dancing... ah that was his biggest challenge. Before Infinite he has never danced. He has never known he could. And oh my... He did at the beginning. He couldn't remember the steps, he tripped over his own feet, his angles never quite right nor sharp enough. When he saw Hoya or Dongwoo, he would always find himself mesmerized. No matter how much he practiced, he could never achieve such grace. Talent is something you must be born with. It cannot be taught, it cannot be obtained. And Hoya's and Dongwoo's bowls of talent in dancing were way bigger than the rest of them. But Woohyun wasn't the one to give up easily. If he couldn't make it, he would fake it. So he danced early in the mornings and late at nights even when there were no lights because they couldn't afford the electricity bills. He danced when it was hot and when it was cold even with their aircon and heater broken. Even when his clothes sticked to his sweating body, when his limbs felt like they were about to fall off. He persevered. And one day he looked in the mirror and he knew the choreos by heart and could move the way their choreographer showed them.

But it didn't end there. Even after their debute, he analyzed what other members were lacking and took on the missing roles when necessary. He could be the speaker, the mood maker, the aegyo king and a bit of the diva. Okay... maybe not just a bit. He played with Dongwoo, went shopping with Sungjong, fooled around with Sungyeol, talked to Myungsoo, practiced with Hoya and with Sunggyu... He would do everything. He would be his rival, his fan, his enemy and his friend. They would bicker about stupidest things and yet have serious fights too. But they would also talk for hours, falling asleep tangled together. They would discuss music, the future of their group, the other members, the company. They would sing together and crack jokes, laughing till they lost their breaths. Now and then they would even hug and when Sunggyu felt lonely, when the burden on his shoulders would get too heavy, he would come into Woohyun's bed and they would cuddle and sometimes, Sunggyu would fall asleep in Woohyun's embrace. Woohyun lived for these moments. Even though, he died a bit each time.

***

Woohyun didn't lack confidence per se. Quite the opposite actually. He had enough of it when it came to the shows and performances with the cameras rolling. He desperately tried to act the same way in private and most of the time, he was pretty successful. However, deep down... He felt insecure. About his own worth to Infinite. About his importance to others. And most of all about his feelings towards Sunggyu. He had given him his heart and would probably give him even more if he could but did Sunggyu want it? He didn't dare to ask for Sunggyu's heart in return. He just wished Suggyu would treat his heart with care, as if it was something important... something special. But then again... Did Sunggyu even know, he had Woohyun's heart?

***

There are plenty of ways to die, but only love can kill you and yet make you feel alive.

to be continued