In Order To Live

I was dead, then alive

Then I died again

But was brought back to life

Why?

I am still fading out

***

Alive or dead? How can you tell the difference? So many people look dead and yet, they live in their imaginary worlds... Free, happy and at peace. However, are their illusions real? And how many look alive but they are already dead inside? They smile and laugh easily but inside they are bleeding... Is it better to be dead, yet alive? Or alive, yet dead? Who knows... maybe there is no answer. Woohyun wasn't sure which one he belonged to...

***

The sleep and apetite went away together. He just couldn't fall asleep. He would lay in bed the whole night but sleep would never come. On the very rare occasions, he did fall asleep or better said, his body just gave in, it would be a restless sleep plagued by nightmares. He never remembered any of them but he would wake up soaked in sweat with an intense feeling of terror. He ate sleeping pills like candy. Not they were much of a help. Food was his another problem. The emptiness has never bothered him before but now he would get a desperate need to fill it. And what would be better than stuffing himself? He would surround himself with take outs, snacks, sodas, sweets and pretty much anything edible that he could find and then he would dive right into it. Taking a bite after bite without even chewing properly... He just needed to fill it. And fast. So he ate and ate and ate some more. However, soon after he finished all the food or his stomach made it clear that there is absolutely no space left, another strong urge would seize his insides. Disgust. He had to get it out. He would feel the tightness of his belly, how bloaded he was and in his mind it all equaled to fat. He was fat. The realization would scare him because fat means ugly so if the others saw it, they would kick him out because his body was not worth of being an idol. And Sunggyu would never have with him again. So every time he stuffed himself, he would afterwards run to the bathroom and puke until he couldn't taste anything other than bile. At first he had to use his fingers but soon, too soon, it became a natural reaction. He would remain sitting on the bathroom floor and throwing up, with a hand firmly pressing on his abdomen until he was certain, all content of his stomach was down in the toilet. Woohyun hated himself a bit more each day.

***

No matter how loose his clothes became, how sunken were the bags under his eyes, how clear he could see the ribs poking out... in his eyes, he was fat. Ugly. He couldn't stop himself from eating. The emptiness was just too overwhelming. Too frightening. He couldn't stop the overeating but everytime he looked in the mirror, his image screamed at him to loose more weight. And so in addition to the sleeping pills, he started to swallow the diet pills as well.

***

At first, nobody talked about it. Their schedule was intense and they were overworked. They thought it was just showing more on Woohyun than the rest of them but considered it still a normal side-effect of their busy lives. However, when days turned into weeks and weeks into months, and Woohyun was still disappearing before their eyes, leader knew something had to be done.

"Woohyun-ah."

"Hmm?"

"Is everything alright with you?"

"Yeah, sure. Why do you ask?"

"So there are no problems with your family?"

"No. What  made you think that?"

"You seem tired... exhausted. And honestly, I don't remember when was the last time I saw you having a decent meal." Woohyun gulped.

"Oh, you know... I am just a bit overworked... But I'm fine. Really. Don't worry."

"Don't lie to me. This is more than just the idol life getting to you. And you are not fine. We left you alone in the beginning... to deal with whatever is bothering you on your own... Thinking that if you wanted us to know or needed our help, you would tell us. But I am done waiting for you to reach out to me. Your condition is getting worse each day so you don't have a choice anymore. Spill. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"For God' sake, Woohyun-ah. We didn't sleep with each other for months! Do you think, that's normal? When we used to f*** every other day?"

Woohyun was scared. Why was the leader doing this? He wanted to hide and cry.

"That's because you didn't approach me."

"So what if I did? If I came to you and said, let's do it, would you?"

Woohyun was at loss. What did the leader want?

"Of course."

"But you look as if you would break if I touched you!"

"I won't. I told you, I'm fine. We can do it if you want to."

"For the love of God... Woohyun-ah... Do you even listen to yourself? If I want to? What about you? What do you want?"

"I want to make you happy."

"And I'm grateful to you but I wish you would think about yourself too. You are obviously in no condition to sleep with me so why would you agree? I see you trembling. You are barely standing... Do you think I want to hurt you?"

Woohyun shook his head.

"But I am really fine, hyung."

"You are so stubborn! It's impossible to reason with you. I feel, like I am gonna punch you if you don't stop denying what is clearly obvious to me. Get your together. We are gonna talk later." Sunggyu huffed and stormed off to calm himself down before he did something he would regret.

Woohyun felt tears pricking his eyes. Damn it. He didn't understand what he did wrong. And the need to fill the void had overwhelmed him again.

***

We are most alive when we are in love.

to be continued