In Order To Live

Let the living have the immortality of love

and let the dead live in the longing tears

***

Woohyun ordered a large pizza but he couldn't wait for it to be delivered. He was desperate. His hands were shaking, the darkness swallowing him from inside out. He had to do something. Fast. He went to the cupboards in the kitchen and when he found packs of instant ramyun he almost cried in relief. He started to boil the water and snacked on a leftover popcorn from the movie night. It was cold and disgusting but Woohyun didn't mind. He simply had to eat. He demolished two packs of ramyun in no time and was ready to start making the third one when the bell rang. The pizza finally came and Woohyun was inhaling slice after slice in inhuman speed. It was too hot and he burnt his tongue a bit but he didn't stop, he didn't even slow down. Just washed the burn away with coke. After he demolished the pizza and drank a whole bottle of coke that came with it, he finally felt done. Calm. The void was gone. He filled it. His belly was totally stuffed, sticking out. He looked ridiculous. All bony and thin with a gut poking out like a basketball. He took a shallow breath and hiccuped. The peace never lasted more than a few seconds. His stomach started to churn and cramp. Demanding the usual routine that followed. Woohyun was on his way to the toilet when Sunggyu returned. He seemed more composed but also very determined. 

***

"I am taking you to a dinner. No excuses." He announced. Woohyun swallowed the rising bile. He was screwed.

"Okay". He silently followed Sunggyu. He could push himself a bit more. It would be okay.

They arrived to the nearby restaurant in 15 minutes. Woohyun was aware of his bloated belly but he didn't dare to complain. This was the first time Sunggyu took him out and he planned to enjoy every second of it. No matter how painful. He would not ruin their time together with his stupidity. He just prayed the content of his stomach would remain in him long enough. 

Sunggyu was sure Woohyun was starving himself and he as the leader had the responsibility to make it better. He knew he couldn't make Woohyun eat too much too soon but he was resolute not to leave the restaurant till Woohyun had a nice meal in him. He ordered chicken soup for both of them and fettuccine alfredo as the main dish for Woohyun. He himself didn't feel like eating anything else than the soup. He had a pretty big lunch afterall. 

***

They didn't talk. Woohyun just quietly ate the food, trying very hard not to burp. The belt on his throusers was literally slicing him in half. He tried to rub his belly to soothe the ache but Sunggyu was staring at him so intently, he didn't dare to do anything that would give his secret away. He even managed to finish the pasta as well and Sunggyu looked happy. He was starting to believe he may survive the night. They came back to the dorm and Woohyun's stomach was killing him, the cramps were so bad Woohyun had trouble controling his expressions and not to wince. The few steps he had to take from the restaurant to the car and then to the elevator had exhausted him more that he thought possible. The hardest task was to mask his belly from Sunggyu's prying eyes. However, much to Woohyun's relief, everything went smoothly.

"Just know that I will be watching you, Woohyun. I see you skipping a meal one more time and I will personally forcefeed you till your stomach bursts. Understood?"

"Clearly." Woohyun almost laughed at the irony of Sunggyu's threat. 

***

After that the leader huffed and went to his room. Woohyun stayed still for a moment, one hand pressing on his belly, the other coming to his mouth, silencing the burps and hiccups. He knew, he couldn't wait any longer. As fast as it was possible in his current condition, he went to the bathroom and started to throw up. He was almost done when he heard it. The unmistakable click of the door opening. In his haste he forgat to lock it. 

"What the hell?"

Sunggyu's angry voice chilled him to the bone. He wanted to say something. To come up with an excuse. But his stomach was still cramping and he heaved once again, tears prickling his eyes. He felt Sunggyu's hands rubbing circles on his back. He cried harder. He didn't deserve the pity. He didn't deserve Sunggyu taking care of him. He was a failure. A hindrance. But Sunggyu didn't turn away in disgust. Sunggyu didn't leave him. He was angry but he stayed and Woohyun was sure he would never love anyone as much as he loved Sunggyu.

***

Secrets have weight. The more you keep, the harder it is to move.

to be continued