In Order To Live

There is no time like now

So today, tonight

And for the rest of my life

I give myself to you

In order to survive

***

It all changed during one cold night in November. Sunggyu was in a slump. Things didn't go the way he wished them to, nothing seemed to be working and he simply felt terrible. So he sneaked into Woohyun's bed like many times before, seeking the warmth and human's touch. And Woohyun complied like he always has. Pulling the leader closer to his chest and his hair. It was an automatic reaction. Never before had the leader commented on it but this time it was different.

"You know... when you do this it reminds me of my mother and how she comforted me as a child whenever I was sick or upset. However, I'm older than you, I'm your leader so it should be me comforting you and yet... at the nights like this... I feel as if the wound made by my parents is tored open and no matter how much I try, I can't close it back. But all it takes is for you to pull me in and I feel as if you put a lid on that hole, spreading warmth right through me."

Woohyun gulped and tighten his hold.

"As long as you need me, I will always be here, ready to close any holes you have and heal any wounds you get."

Sunggyu smiled.

"I always cringe when you talk like that in the shows but in reality your sappiness can sometimes make everything alright."

Woohyun grinned.

"Everyone needs a bit of the cheesy in their life."

Sunggyu chuckled.

"Woohyun-ah?"

"Hmmm?"

"May I ask you something? You may find it very disturbing, though."

Woohyun frowned but agreed.

"Sure go ahead."

"Do you ever think about ?"

Woohyun almost choked. Out of all possible questions the leader could have for him, this one never crossed his mind. Certianly not for the discussion in bed, with their bodies entwined. Oh yes, he felt very awkward but he was also curious were was this heading. He was fairly certain Sunggyu wasn't a and it's not like they've never talked about ...

"Uhm... yeah." What else was he supposed to say anyway? 

"And have you ever considered having with a male?" Oh. So this was it. If Woohyun still had his heart, it would stop and drop to his stomach right that instant. 

"Ehm..." What should he say? He was very close to denying but... Sunggyu seemed desperate for something and sounded so brutally honest, Woohyun couldn't lie to him. He closed his eyes and shakingly replied.

"Yes."

Sunggyu shifted in his embrace. He could feel leader's heart beating very fast, making him loose his breath.

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"Have you ever thought about having with me?"

"With you?"

Woohyun's brain froze. He wasn't able to comprehend anything the leader had said. He was sure, he must have missed something vital in that conversation... It couldn't really be happening... 

"Yes... I... I'm not into men. Usually... But I... We can't meet girls anymore... I mean, we can hardly meet anyone besides our members and watching ... ing... it's just not enough anymore.... and I thought... I mean, I completely understand if you don't want to... But I just thought that if it was you... If we... you know... that I wouldn't mind. If it's you, it would be okay."

Nothing was okay. Woohyun was close to hyperventilating. He couldn't breathe. Was Sunggyu seriously asking him to sleep with him? Oh my God. Oh dear Lord...

"Woohyun-ah?" Leader was a bit worried when the younger remained silent. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." He was about to pull away but Woohyun stopped him.

"No. NO. It's not.... I mean... It's okay, hyung. Just... unexpected... Yes." Woohyun tried to hurriedly soothe the leader, not really making sense. 

"So what do you say? Are you willing to try it?" Sunggye knew, he shouldn't press the point but it was now or never and he really needed to know. Woohyun gulped. Was he ready? He couldn't bring himself to say it outloud so he just nodded his head in agreement. He wasn't ready. Not at all. But he knew, that for this... he won't ever be fully prepared. And oh my... He did want it, though. He couldn't count how many times he imagined all sorf of things with Sunggyu. So yes, he did indeed want it but even if he didn't... it was Sunggyu asking and he could never ever refuse him. 

***

So that night it wasn't only about cuddling and sleeping in each other embrace. That night Woohyun also gave Sunggyu the rest of his body... and was left with nothing. Not that he would complain... He loved it. He absolutely relished in giving himself to Sunggyu. He never wanted anything more than to give Sunggyu everything. He's never expected he would be able to... that Sunggyu would want him, would need him... Something so simple, so natural and yet, it gave Woohyun a reason to stay alive. At least for a bit. However, that night didn't only change their relationship in a way, that they would also have with each other whenever Sunggyu was in the mood but it also affected Woohyun since his body was now torned between Infinite, Inspirit and Sunggyu. Even though, Woohyun refused to acknowledge the strain on him and the years went by again...

***

Who you are if you no longer have your heart nor your body? Does the soul remain? Woohyun felt like an empty vessel. A being void of anything that was worth it. At first, there were no visible changes. For the following years, Woohyun went on as if he wasn't lacking anything, his mask put on, his act more perfect than ever. But then a small crack appeared on the wall Woohyun built between the real him and the one he showed to others. And that's precisely when everything changed yet again.

***

Can we die while we are still alive?

to be continued