Chapter 29 – Yoona, What Are You Thinking? 


“No, this is not how it’s supposed to be.” Yoona said a little too calmly as if she didn’t know how painful Jessica would feel because of her blunt rejection.

“Ah… uhm… that’s fi-… just give me a minute.” Taking her eyes off her best friend, Jessica really couldn’t take it if she continued to stare into those brown orbs like this. She hung her head as low as possible in hope that her tears wouldn’t be leaked out.

It wasn’t like she didn’t expect to be rejected, it was just she didn’t know that she would be rejected the exact same way as all of the poor girls who had fallen for the charm of Im Yoona, just straight in the face. She just hoped that being Yoona’s best friend would make her somewhat different... Well, at least being rejected in a less painful way. Guess not…

Yoona took a couple of steps closer to her best friend quietly. She gently cupped her best friend’s cheek, trying to lift her head up so that they could make eye contact. But the latter was too stubborn to comply so Yoona was only able to see her side profile. But still, those eyes welled up with tears were just unable to stay hidden.

Smiling ever so gently, Yoona wiped away the tears falling from Jessica’s eyes. Really… She was acting just like she was the innocent one here, as if she had done nothing wrong. “Look at you… still very much a crybaby in primary school.” She added with a chuckle.

It was unbelievable how Yoona could pull a joke at this point. Now Jessica really couldn’t take it anymore, did reject her amuse Yoona that much? “Yah!! I’m just being rejected my feelings here, can you at least try to act like a friend and comfort me properly?”

“There’s no need.” Yoona was still being playful.

“Yo-You’re s-” Jessica raised her hand high in attempt to hit Yoona… hard.

As the violent Sica was about to came out, Yoona quickly caught the hand that was going to hit her and then pulled her best friend in for a hug to stop the girl from talking… or hitting.

“Who told you that you’re being rejected?”

“But you sai-”

Still holding Jessica close, Yoona continued, “I just own you too much, Icy-ah. I was so sure before that I could understand you like the back of my hand just like you do to me. But obviously… I’m not. If only I was a bit more sensitive then you wouldn’t have waited for me, wasted your time on me or probably gotten hurt every time I go on a date with some random girl and even after all of that… here you are, still saying that you’re in love with me.”

Now, it started to go into a dead end. Jessica would rather be rejected than let Yoona take pity on her like she was doing. Own? Yoona didn’t own her anything, it was Jessica who was silly enough to fall for her best friend and even sillier to decide to keep her feelings all inside. Jessica did this to herself and Yoona had nothing to do with it.

“Yoong, I’m telling you this not because I want you to be with me. The main reason why I spill out everything is I want you to know what I truly feel about you and then… we can talk this out. As simple as that. You don’t know how hard it is for me to keep my feelings bottled up inside for all those years. And the last thing I want right now is you agree to be with me all because you’re feeling like you have to be responsible for everything that I did to myself. I really don’t want that …” Jessica said while trying to get out of Yoona’s tight hug for her, “Ahh… will you just let go?” She asked in frustration when all of her efforts seemed to be useless as her stubborn friend just wouldn’t loosen her grip at all.

“Just stay…” Yoona said and found Jessica already stopped struggling as the latter started to melt at the softness of the voice which she had never heard before, “I’ve never told you this but… whenever I felt hurt and depressed, you would always be the first one to offer me a hug or a shoulder. You’ve already given me too much, Icy-ah. How can you ask to be in a relationship with me when knowing so well that I’m in love with someone else? Don’t you think that it’s unfair?”

Think? Jessica had long forgotten the meaning of that word ever since she thoughtlessly fell in love with her silly best friend here. No thinking, just love, that’s all.

“So… This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Sica-yah… you deserve so much more than this. If you could ever be in a serious relationship with someone, that person must be the first one to ask you to be their girlfriend and ready to give you their love as a whole. Right now, I’m really not qualified.”

Once again, Jessica avoided eye contact with her best friend. What could she do for Yoona to know that it wasn’t about her being qualified or not? But it was all about feelings. Love has no standards, if it wasn’t Im Yoona then no one else. Or maybe this was just Yoona’s kind way of rejecting.

“You just don’t understand…” Jessica whispered softly.

“Before, I didn’t. It’s true. But not anymore, right now I definitely understand what’s going on in my life. I know that there’s no one else in this world can treat me better than the way Jessica Jung does. I know that she’s the best thing in my life that God has ever granted me. I know that… if I was to let her go this time then I would become the biggest fool on the earth to let go of something as precious as that. So, I know that I just have to be selfish this one time.”

Confusion written all over Jessica’s face as she tried to understand what Yoona was trying to say. She really had no idea where the latter was leading her. Could Yoona just jump to a conclusion already?

Yoona just couldn’t hold back a chuckle as she noticed how every feature on her best friend’s face could form a ‘?’ telling her that she was completely lost at this moment.

“What I’m trying to say is… Jessica Jung, you have to listen very carefully.”

Jessica quickly nodded like an excited little kid who was about to listen to a very interesting fairytale.

“It’s me, Im Yoona who is asking you out on a movie date tomorrow night. You should feel honored since this was my first time asking someone out like this for the last three years.” Yoona said, sounded a little cocky.

“So, this means…” Maybe it was too surreal for Jessica that she had to confirm once again.

“What else? We’re going out for a date to get to know each other just like everyone else before they become a couple. Is that clear for you now?”

Words couldn’t describe how happy Jessica was right now so she shown her feelings by throwing her arms around Yoona’s neck and repeating only one line lowly in Yoona’s ear, “That’s clear, very very clear.”

&&&&&&

YoonSicTae’s house – Jessica’s room

“This one… no, too revealing…”

“Eww, this one is hideous…”

“How about this… too tight… Omo, am I getting fatter?”

Taeyeon watched as another outfit flying across Jessica’s room joined the pile of discard ones on her bed. She was asked to help Jessica choosing an outfit for the date. However before she could state her opinion or even take a proper look at the outfit, Jessica had thrown it away from her sight.

“Ah~ Taeyeon-ah, why don’t you say anything? Come on, give me some suggestions…”

Taeyeon shrugged as she mumbled in , “Well, I want to…” Taeyeon stood up from her seat and walked to her flustered friend as she placed a hand on her shoulder. “My suggestion is… you should go .”

“Yah!! I’m serious!!” Jessica whipped her head to Taeyeon, shot her a death glare telling the latter that this was definitely not the right time to joke around.

“Well, I’m serious too. If you’re planning to impress your date with your outfit then this is the best idea. Come on, it’s Yoona. I don’t think that you have any outfit that she hasn’t seen you wore before. So, just go which I’m sure she hasn’t seen you like that before.”

“Don’t be so sure about that…” Jessica said in a low voice.

Taeyeon’s eyes immediately grew big in shock, “What?? Are you saying that she has seen you before? What did I miss?”

“Well, when we were ten. Whatever, that’s not important now. I really have to dress nice, I want to look good in her eyes.” Jessica said while looking through her nearly empty closet.

“I get that you want to look good, Sica-yah but… let’s be who you are, just pick what you usually wear when you and her out for movies.”

Jessica knew that she was aggravating the matter but she just couldn’t help it. “The thing is… this is our first official date, Taeyeon-ah. I just want to make it special.”

“It only becomes special if you show your true self to her. Don’t try to be anything else, Sica-yah. She knows. The fact that she starts to see you in a different way is already special itself.”

“Aish… I think you’re right… By the way, where is she?”

Taeyeon shook her head, “I don’t know, I only saw her going out half an hour ago.”

“Going out? Why?”

“Who knows? That girl is completely unpredictable these days I’m telling you.”

“What if… she changes her mind, Taey-”

Before Jessica could finished, she received a knock on her head from Taeyeon right away. “Nonsense. You and Yoona are going out for movies tonight and right now you have to get ready. End of the story.”

“Alright, alright… Ah~ I guess I have to take a shower now. Getting ready just like you said.” Jessica said as she stood up to walk over the bathroom.

“Yeah and you should hurry since it’s six already.”

“I know, I know. Oh, and Taeyeon-ah, I think it’s time for you to show how good of a best friend you are.” Jessica said with a mischievous grin on her face while holding the doorknob.

“Huh?” The confusion on Taeyeon’s face was quickly washed away as she took a look of her surroundings. “Yah! Did you mean that I have to tidy this mess all by…” And now she finished to a closed door “… myself?”

---

Taeyeon’s eyes followed her best friend’s figure as the latter was pacing back and forth in front of the TV. Even though she wasn’t watching a tennis match, watching her best friend like this gave off a quite similar feeling. Taeyeon exhaled loudly, "Will you just sit down Sica-yah? You're giving a headache here."

"Aish... I know that I shouldn't be worried but it's time for our date and she isn't back yet. Why do I keep getting this feeling tha-"

Taeyeon quickly cut her off, "5 minutes"

"Huh?"

"I bet that in 5 minutes she'll be back home, dress nice, stand at the door with a smile on her face and ready to take you out on a date." Taeyeon said firmly.

Before Jessica could open to reply, the sound of the doorbell ringing interrupted their conversation.

With a cocky smile on her face, Taeyeon said, "See? Should've said 1 minute instead. So, do you want me to get that or you do it yourself?"

"N-no, I'll do it." Flustered, Jessica answered.

"Then hurry and get out of the way, this is Tiffany's favorite show." Taeyeon exclaimed as her eyes glued to the TV screen.

Jessica raised her eyebrow, “What does that have anything to do with you?”

“She is probably watching this at home right now so I felt like I’m watching this with her. This is called the joy of being in love.” Taeyeon stated proudly.

“I swear I have no idea what you’re thinking…” Jessica mumbled before made her way to the door.

Taking another deep breath in, Jessica tried to control her wildly beating heart inside her chest. As soon as she opened the door, a bouquet of white lilies greeted her.

“For you…” Yoona handed the bouquet in her hand to Jessica, “I’ve been thinking and… because it’s a date so… flowers are a must.”

The smile on Jessica’s face just couldn’t get any bigger. White lilies, her favorite flower, Taeyeon was right: Yoona was just being her usual self, considerate and charming, so she should act like herself too.

“Thanks… they’re beautiful…”

“So, shall we?” Yoona offered her hand for Jessica to hold. As usual, Jessica placed her hand in Yoona’s palm however the latter didn’t seem to hold onto it at all. 

“Uhm… I guess there’s something we need to change first.” Yoona gently took Jessica’s hand and slowly intertwined their hands and brought them in front of Jessica, “That is… if you don’t mind.”

Jessica couldn’t do anything else except shaking her head. If this continued, Jessica has this strong feeling that she would get a heart attack very soon. Seriously, how many times she had dreamt of Yoona holding her hand like this? This day is definitely going to make top 5 of Jessica Jung’s favorite day.

&&&&&&

At the Cinema

“Alright, you wait here, I’ll go and pick up some popcorns and cokes, okay?”

“Uhm… Be quick, the movie is gonna start soon.”

“Roger that, ma’am.” Yoona replied with a smile.

Jessica watched as Yoona’s figure disappeared into the crowd who was waiting for their turn to buy popcorns. Up until now, that silly smile on her face just couldn’t be wiped off. After years and years, she finally knew what it felt like to live in a dream.

Jessica stood there waiting patiently until she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around, expecting to see Yoona but it was someone that would be at the bottom of her list that she wanted to see at this moment.

“Oh… Hi, Gyuri… Uh… Yuri-sshi…” Jessica greeted with a half-smile.

“What a coincidence. I didn’t know that I could meet you here, I thought you and Yoona had an important meeting today?” Gyuri said excitedly.

“Uhm, yeah but it got canceled the last minute.” Jessica answered, not bothered asking why Gyuri knew their schedule.

“So, are you here with Yoona?”

At this question, Jessica couldn’t help but glance at Yuri who was putting on a straight face. “Uh… yeah…”

“But why no Taeyeon? Is she going on a date with Tiffany?” Gyuri just kept asking as she was completely clueless of the fact that Jessica felt nothing but uncomfortable replying. Jessica really didn’t understand herself, there was nothing going on between Yoona and Yuri, why did she keep getting this guilty feeling as if Yoona and her were having an affair behind Yuri’s back.

“She… uhm…”

Yoona had always been blessed with good timing. She always showed up at the scene exactly right when Jessica needed her the most. “Hey, I’m here, let’s get going.” Yoona came back with a handful of popcorns and drinks.

As she looked up, a couple who was also going on a date came to view. “Hey…” Yoona wore a forced smile on her face – seen from Jessica’s point of view.

“Yah… I think I know what’s going on here…” Gyuri suddenly grinned goofily, “Don’t tell me, you two are going on a date?”

Not waiting for any responses from the flustered couple, Yuri pulled at Gyuri’s sleeves in attempt to get the latter’s attention on her. "I think that we should go, Gyuri-sshi. I don't wanna be late for the movie."

Gyuri glanced at her watch and her eyes widen in surprise, "Woah, we already are." She turned to Yoona, "Which movie are you gonna watch anyway?"

"The thieves... I think." Yoona answered as she looked at her tickets to make sure.

Gyuri also peeked in the tickets and exclaimed in excitement, "How come it's the same movie as us? Our seats are only three rows below yours."

"Uhm... Gyul, how about you and Yuri going in first? We'll come in later since we don't want to see the trailers' part." Yoona suggested.

"Oh, okay... I'll see you later then." Gyuri waved her goodbye to Yoona and Jessica while gesturing Yuri to follow her.

As they walked away, Yuri couldn't help herself but to look back where Yoona and Jessica were standing. She saw the taller girl handed Jessica one of the drinks and then intertwined their hands. Then Jessica burst out laughing because Yoona whispered something into her ear. Indeed, they look good together.

Yuri kept her eyes on the couple as long as she could before taking her eyes away. The moment she agreed on a date with Gyuri at the office, she knew that this would happen. Jessica probably confessed her feelings for Yoona afterward and they are finally together as a dream-like childhood couple. This was how it supposed to be at the very first place.

Smiling bitterly inside, wasn’t this what she wanted to happen? Yoona and her could move on and most of all, her sister’s happiness. But why was this longing feeling kept tugging at her nonstop? No… these feelings would be soon disappeared, she just needed to give herself some time. That was it.

---

“That was a really good movie, wasn’t it?” Gyuri exclaimed as the four of them stepped out of the cinema.

“Yeah, I really enjoyed it. What about you, Sica?” Yoona turned to ask her date like what she had been doing throughout the night, always paying attention to her best friend.

“Uh, yeah. I do…” Jessica absentmindedly replied as if she was someone just came back to earth.

“Yah… what’s wrong with you? I know that spacing out is your specialty but you’ve been spacing out almost the entire time we watched the movie. Are you feeling sick?” Yoona asked as she raised a hand to feel Jessica’s head. Anxiety was evident in her voice.

Reassuring her worried best friend, Jessica shook her head, “I’m fine…”

“Since you guys are here, how about joining us for dinner too?” Gyuri suggested.

To which Yoona politely refused, “Ah, thanks… Me and Sica already have plan for later.”

“We do?” Jessica asked out of confusion.

Yoona chuckled as she tightened her grip on Jessica’s hand, “Yes, we do.”

“Then I guess we shouldn’t bother you guys any more. Let’s hang other times.”

As they bid goodbye to each other, Jessica noticed Yuri did steal a few glances at Yoona every now and then. Brief moments but she still managed to catch all of them that was why she seemed like spacing out all night. Even when they were watching the movie, Yuri still tried to turn her head a bit to look back acting like she was relaxing her muscles. But tonight, what surprised her the most weren’t those.

“Uhm… do you want to take a walk in the park before going home?” Yoona asked as the two of them made their way to Yoona’s car.

“But I thought you said that we have other plans for tonight.”

Another amusing chuckle escaped Yoona’s mouth, “Come on, don’t tell me you fell for that. I just said that as an excuse so that we don’t have to go with Gyul.”

“But… why?”

Yoona shrugged as she explained, “It’s just I get this feeling that you’ll be uncomfortable if all of us hanging out together so… Besides I’m taking you out on a date right? It means that tonight is for us, and us only.”

“Yeah, you’re right…” Jessica responded, sounded almost emotionlessly.

“Yah, Icy-ah, you’re acting really strange tonight. Are you not feeling good somewhere?”

“I really am fine. Don’t worry… Anyway, are we still going to the park?”

“Well, if you want to…”

Jessica smiled, “I’d love to.”

&&&&&&

YoonSicTae’s house

“Thanks for everything, I had a great time.” Jessica said to Yoona while they were standing at her room’s front door.

“I’m glad that you did. Well, you should go to sleep now, tomorrow we’ll have lots of things to do.”

Jessica nodded, “Yeah… you too.” As she turned away to open the door to her room, Yoona reached out to stop her.

“Uhm… Icy-ah…”

“Huh?”

The first thing Jessica could feel as she turned her head back is a pair of lips on her forehead. Just like a reflex, she immediately closed her eyes to savor this moment. There was this warmth first blossomed inside her heart and then quickly spread all over her body. As always, Yoona’s kisses always felt so magical to her.

This was definitely not the first time Jessica feeling this way when Yoona acted sweetly to her, however only this once she didn’t have to tell herself to stop believing in this, tell herself that Yoona only saw her as a friend no more no less and she had to stop falling for her best friend even deeper. She really didn’t have to do any of that now. Things were different and her mind was free at this moment. Yoona was now aware of her feelings and yet she still acted like this, did this mean that this relationship between Yoona and her still had hopes?

“Good night…” The sweet voice of Yoona pulled Jessica out of her train of thoughts.

“G’night…”

Jessica’s eyes followed the latter’s figure until the door to her room is firmly closed. With a heavy heart, Jessica sat down on her bed as she reached out for the picture frame on her nightstand, the picture of Yoona and her in front of the iconic Sydney Opera House – their first trip together to Sydney. She was deeply in thought as her fingers traced the photo in her hand until the sound of someone knocking on her door echoed through the room.

“Yah…” Taeyeon came in and then naturally sat next to Jessica on the bed.

“You’re still awake? I thought you said you’re gonna sleep early tonight.” Jessica said even though her attention was still on the photo in her hand.

“Yeah, that was the plan. But I was so curious about how your first date turns out that I can’t sleep. Come on, tell me…”

Looking at her best friend, Jessica couldn’t hold back a chuckle. She didn’t know if Taeyeon was being caring or being chatty at this moment. Either way, she thought that talking to someone at this moment was better than assuming all alone by herself.

“It’s good…” Jessica answered shortly.

“Good?” Taeyeon furrowed her eyebrows, asking for more information.

“Well, more than good actually. Yoona acted like an ideal date that one could ever dream of. She always had her full attention on me as if I’m the only one in her eyes even when Yuri was there.” Jessica said neutrally.

“Yuri? Why is sh-”

“We ran into them at the cinema by chance. Yuri and Gyuri are also going on a movie date.”

“So…”

“And we watched the same movie too. They were sitting three rows below us. Gosh, I couldn’t even remember what the movie was about, Taeyeon-ah. I didn’t know why but I kept turning my head to the side to look at Yoona the entire time and yet she only took her eyes off the screen when there was something interesting about the movie that she wanted to tell me. Even when we say goodbyes, she only gave Yuri a polite nod as if they were nothing to each other.” Jessica reminisced in a disbelieving tone.

Taeyeon had a puzzled look on her face, “I don’t get it, isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?”

“Aish… I don’t know…” Jessica threw herself back in the bed, “The problem is that she’s acting too… normal. I just can’t believe it. Just yesterday, I was so sure that she still had feelings for Yuri…”

“Sica-yah… I think that you’re thinking way too much…”

“No, it’s not like that Taeyeon-ah. Just a while ago, I told her that I’m Yuri’s sister.”

“What? When did you become Yuri’s sister? So Yuri’s parents are your parents too? Where have I been in this world? How come shocking news just comes nonstop?” A bunch of questions was thrown at Jessica. Astonishment was clearly heard in Taeyeon’s voice.

Jessica let out a small chuckle, “She didn’t even react like you do… she just said plainly: ‘Oh, no wonder she treated you so good these days.’ And then quickly jumped to another topic. Taeyeon-ah, don’t you think that’s strange?”

“No… I don’t think that’s strange…” Taeyeon stated surprisingly, after minutes of staying silent.

“It’s not?”

“Sica-yah, can’t you see that Yoona’s trying her best to forget and be fair to you? How would you feel if all that your date could think about is another girl?”

Jessica didn’t answer. There was no way Jessica didn’t understand that Yoona did what she did was because the latter cared about her feelings. She just didn’t want Yoona to keep all of her feelings compressed inside like this. Soon, it would explode. But to be honest, she didn’t know what to think anymore. Being with Yoona was her dream and now that dream had finally come true, she was pulling herself back for no reason.

“Look, isn’t this what you’ve been wishing for all those years? I say that Yoona’s now trying her best on her own. So you should help her by giving your best too. Give yourself a chance, free your thoughts, who knows maybe you both will get what you want?”

“Ah~… I really don’t know any more Taeyeon-ah. I even start to think that confessing to her is a mistake now.” Jessica said while reaching out to get a pillow covering her face.

“You can’t undo what’ve been said and done, Sica-yah. Life isn’t a computer, there are undo or delete buttons. Why bother thinking about it?” Seeing no response from Jessica, Taeyeon let out a heavy sigh before speaking up, “Anyway, I see you’re already tired. I’ll leave you to rest now. Sleep well, okay?”

Taeyeon stood up from the bed when she saw the pillow on Jessica’s face moving, probably the latter was nodding underneath. As she closed the door, Taeyeon didn’t forget to throw a worried look at her best friend before completely stepping out.

When she heard the sound of her door closing, Jessica removed the pillow off her face. Picking up the photo frame beside her, she pouted, “Yoong-ah, can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

TBC