I thought everything was on the right track. We got our lineup set, we moved into our dorm, we got more intense vocal and dance sessions, we got our diet planned, we started practicing a song that is a candidate of our debut song, we got a preliminary debut schedule. Our CEO told us there was great possibility of our debut coming true in summer this year. Training was tough, but we were all excited. After all these years of training, I finally felt that I was getting my dream realized.

But all of a sudden, she stopped coming. We didn't see her often at the dorm, and when we did see her, we asked her what had happened. She said she's not feeling well because of the tough training. She said she couldn't stand it anymore. We cried with her, we encouraged her, we told her we were all in this together, and we will push through. But she still didn't show up during training. The things on her desk and bed were gone bit by bit, and one day, there was no sign of her living in the dorm anymore.

CEO-Sung invited all of us to his office. I noticed that her profile was no longer on the wall. Our worry was finally confirmed. CEO-nim announced that she quit without permission, and the company is bringing a lawsuit to this matter. CEO-nim expressed his disappointment, cryptically explained that debut might be pushed back, and he told us that he would prefer us to talk to him if we face any difficulties, instead of trying to deal things on our own.

We panicked. We all did. Shortly after the meeting, she said, "I don't know. I can't see where we are heading anymore." We cried together at the dorm, for the uncertainty of our futures.

Then, she made a decision. We watched her visit CEO-nim's office a couple times before and after practice, and her parents came for twice. Things were decided. She said she was sorry, and she hoped that we will continue to be friends. One afternoon last weekend, she packed everything, and the rest of us hugged her and saw her off.

I was angry. How could they just leave at this point? I was upset. I thought we were getting there together. I told every single friend and my family that I despised them. Don't you remember we hugged each other excitedly and promised that we will be the best team when CEO-nim announced that the lineup was confirmed? I bitterly said, "So she thought she was that good and we must have her?"

But now that I get to think on my own, I found myself much calmer than I thought I would be when I knew that another girl became another 'ex-member'. I thought I would be so angry I would just pull the grass from the ground and kick the pebbles on the ground when I was alone. I thought I would be so upset that I would shed tears when I was alone. But I didn't feel that kind of impulsion coming to me.

Just like what I wrote in my letter to Moonbin, I tasted a hint of betrayal when the first girl left. When the first girl left without a word, it felt like she never saw us as a team. When the second girl leave, the first emotion I experienced was, of course, anger. How could she just leave us behind, saying that she didn't think we will have a future together, like we were trash that she should just throw away. The sense of betrayal was fainter this time, probably because I kind of expected this to happen. But after these emotions faded, I felt a slight tinge of envy. Why did the decision to leave seem so easy to her?

Making changes to life requires one to be brave. I have been training for quite some years, and I have trained in different companies...I received some kind of training when I was active as a child model, then I was a trainee at Loen, Big Hit, and finally Source Music. It wasn't that difficult to move from company to company at first, but as the number of years I practiced increased, when a decision to change companies had to be made, it was inevitable to have the thought that maybe I was not doing something that was suitable for me. Other than stay in the company or switch companies, an additional choice laid in front of me was to actually stop being a trainee.

Seeing the second girl make her choice so quickly made me envious, of her quick adaptation to changes, and of her firm belief in herself. When I was still puzzled about what I should do, she already gave a response.

When I thought about my anger towards the two girls, I knew that my anger was not that justified, athough I believed it was normal for an ordinary person. We all live our own lives, how can we hope that others will live their lives the way we wished they would. The first girl believed that this was not something she could handle, so she left. The second girl believed that we were not going to be where she wanted to be, so she left. Simple as that. They all made choices that they believed were correct, or even if not correct, suitable. To be honest, it was really brave for the first girl to leave, thinking about the terms of our trainee contract, and thinking about the stress that we may have given her when we tried to persuade her to stay.

The only anger that was left, was the anger towards myself and the remaining members. I was angry, because I had the thought that we were not good enough. At least, not good enough to make the girls believe that this would work out. But should I be? We, including myself, had been working really hard, and we really trusted that we would be there before the first girl decided to leave. Should our trust in ourselves be shattered simply because the inconfident ones revealed their lack of trust? No. I don't think so. If our trust in ourselves depends on others' views, we shouldn't even be trainees of this company, because there are always skeptical voices when groups produced by small companies make their debut. We won't be able to stand it if we really build our trust on others.

So, should I consider switching companies, or consider stopping? For the second question, now I have a definite 'no'. Why should I punish myself because of something I did not do. I shall continue being the Hwang Eunbi who believes in herself. For the first question, I asked myself 'Why?' I couldn't think of a reason. Sure I know that our debut will be delayed, but do I trust the company I am now in? I could give a 'yes' to this question. Source Music is a small company, but were we deprived of what we sincerely needed? No, I don't think so. And do I like the current lineup? Yes, I do. I do feel some kind of chemistry among us, and if we managed to stay together and push through all these incidents, I think we will become an even stronger team. We will prove to others that we could do this.

Now, all things considered. I shall give myself a round of applause for being such a mature and independent girl. Should I make any changes to my plans? NO. I shall just continue to work hard in training. In Source Music. With the remaining teammates.

Hmm...so should I still meet a friend and dine out tonight? SURE, although I am in much better shape now, it doesn't hurt to whine a bit to friends, right?

Oh! And Moonbin....should I still talk to him about this? Hmm...maybe I should just tell him about it briefly, just to update him of what's happening with me...he's busy anyway...

*Author's words*

I am not very satisfied with this chapter, but I guess that is what I could come up with now...I am sorry that this chapter might consist of too much cliche stuff. I hope you noticed the conflicts in SinB's thoughts, i.e. thinking that one's trust in oneself should not depend on others, but at the same times wanting to prove to others, showing that she still seeks others' approval...I decided to put it this way because in this chapter, I am trying to show that SinB is struggling to persuade herself and to comfort herself with these thoughts. Don't we all try to pretend that we are all grown-up and can handle stuff by ourselves when we were young? Also, I know that this chapter ended a bit weird, but I found that this chapter is getting a bit longer than I expected, and I wanted to just show a glimpse of how time or distance between a pair of friends is starting to work on their friendship.