I moved to Seoul two years ago so I could turn over a new leaf, as my mom likes to say, after I had my breakdown and dropped out of university. I should have moved back after a year, but I sort of like it here. More things to see, more things to occupy my mind with.  Plus, my cousin promoted me to manager at his café a few months ago. He said I have to keep the whole "Thai prince" thing going or else cute girls won't come in anymore. I don't even know what that means and honestly, those chicks are damn creepy when they stare. Whatever, I'd been working my off over there and I deserved to be promoted. Maybe.

But still, none of that could make me forget about it. The big empty void inside me. Nothing could make me forget. Not even for one minute, one second. It just appeared suddenly after my breakdown and it never left. It felt like I kept trying to get better but, these demons just pulled me all the way back down telling me you're not good enough, Nichkhun, you're a failure, Nichkhun, get over yourself, Nichkhun over and over again until they'd ripped me to shreds. I've become just the body of a boy who'd once felt true emotions.

I'm jealous of him, my past self, I mean. He's felt the blood rushing through him when he was excited and the satisfying pain in his cheeks of smiling too much that came with happiness. He's felt the crippling anguish that seized his body when he lost someone he loved. He's felt the anger that boiled in his chest when someone said something about the girl he liked. Now, I would give anything to feel. But I can't. They're just empty emotions. Normally, when someone feels truly happy, sad, angry, scared, you can see it in their eyes. You can see how raw their emotions are. When you look into mine, there's nothing there, only endless darkness.

There is one thing I can feel. Misery. Some days, I can't even bring myself out of bed because the feeling of pure becomes unbearable and all I want to do is barf and cry. My cousin knows what's wrong with me so he doesn't mind if I don't come in to work, but that's all he does because he doesn't know how to help. Today is one of those days.