Note: The words in Italic Times New Roman referred to flashback.

Chapter 11: Fallen deep

Areum

“You came all the way here for that?”

“Yeah,” I briefly check inside the bag to see if it was still safely there. “I need it for something important so – “

“You mean this?” He fished an opened letter out of his pocket and showed it to me. I was definitely too early to judge because his face took on a different toll when I looked up to him from that nicely folded paper out of its envelope, trembling.

Sehun was trying so hard to keep his look composed like it hadn’t bothered him that much but that slight frown could be seen as he said, “I don’t get it, Areum. What is this? You really wrote this?”

I opened my mouth to speak but I felt like a mute, nothing but only thin air came out and my throat suddenly felt so dry. His eyes showed how persistence he was, as if he could wait the whole night until I clarify myself.

Slowly, I gathered all the courage to tell him the truth, yet at the same time I was thinking in what way I could cover up this whole truth as well. Letting Sehun know was never a part of the plan. Not now, not in the meantime, not anytime.

“You read it?” I weakly asked, so scared to listen to the answer.

“Yeah, I saw my name on it so I thought it was meant for me. When did you write this?”

“Um, um – a really, really long time ago. I don’t really remember what I wrote and I actually misplaced it a lot of time…um, yeah.”

“How long back?”

I seriously didn’t know what to say so, I ended up just saying anything that came up to my mind and I was sure I didn’t make any sense but I just need anything that can make me get away from this. I knew how this one mistake might change things between us forever. “Like… so many years ago.” I exclaimed, even surprising myself. “It was just a puppy love. Probably back when you first became my lab partner. That time, I really thought you were so cool up close. Many girls adore you in high school. How could I be any different than them?”

His face clearly told me he wasn’t convinced, making me looked away from him so that he wouldn’t have sensed I was lying to him. Right now, I think I can honestly go on until dead not letting him know how I am feeling for him. Slowly, he said, “But, you mention that time when we went for senior retreat and how I made you feel horrible when I told the class I think Joohyun was the prettiest during the truth or dare session.”

Damn it, why do I have to be so precise in that letter? “Ah, that’s what I wrote?” I asked, feigning ignorance.

“Then, you’ve liked me that long?” he asked, his bottom lip trembled slightly as he muttered out the words. Quite in disbelief, he huffed before saying, “I feel so stupid. How can I not know?”

And after a few seconds of silence, he spoke. “So, you did….or do you still – “

“I did, a long time ago. Senior year was like – what? 3 or 4 years back. It has been years.” I could almost feel myself tearing up for being reckless of my own feelings and growing too fond of him and how I wish I didn’t because it wouldn’t have turned out this way. He wouldn’t have to feel so guilty. But I remained my composure and acted nonchalant like it was just a past that has passed. Nothing but a memory to look back on.

"You don’t have to worry. I don’t feel that way anymore.” Just please, please forget about it. I then quickly snatched the letter out of his hand. “It was just a lame crush. Me, being so young and stupid.” I waved it off, sniggering off to convince him but his face looked nothing like it. “I better get going. Thanks for the bag, anyway. Bye.” And I dashed off without even looking back at him, wishing that it was all just a dream that I would wake up knowing none of it was even real.

I am so busted.

♦ ♦ ♦

I thanked all the heavens because for a few days after that, I haven't seen Sehun around in the campus even once. I did planned on avoiding him in the meantime until we were both recovered enough from the shock and naturally let it off but I realized I didn’t have to do it when I don’t see him at all.

Was he avoiding me too?

Yerim did wonder how it turned out that night but she decided not to ask further knowing fairly well that it was her fault. For a few days, she had been keeping the look that showed how terrible she felt from what she had caused that rather than trying to console myself to believe nothing had changed, I was the one who kept telling her, “Everything is alright.”

And that meant to coax my disturbed soul too.

“What’s up with your face?” Junmyeon asked when I came to visit him at the graduate school.

I stretched my arm out as I watched the out and about of people running for classes,  heading home and some are just going out to hang out with their friends from the window of the third floor of the building.

“It feels like a long week.”

Amused, he continued asking, “What’s up?”

“I’m busted, Myeon. Sehun would probably feel so uncomfortable around me after this.” I answered weakly and took a sip on the instant coffee from the dispenser that Junmyeon had gotten me. The taste made me frowned.

“What did you do?”

“Sehun found out. About my feelings for him.”

He widened his eyes. That news sure woke everyone up. “And then? What happened? He got freaked out and chickened out his way of the situation?”

“No, I’m the one who chickened out.” I replied. “I don’t want to see that sorry face he would’ve given me by putting him in such difficult situation.”

“Haven’t you ever thought he might feel the same?”

“Does that even make sense? He’s seeing the most popular girl in school! I’m way out of his league.”

“After knowing him for years, you really think that’s what Sehun would care about? Why do you put yourself down so low? You think he would’ve done – “ Junmyeon stopped in the middle of the way when he realized he had gotten too carried away. “Never mind, maybe I was wrong. So, what happened now between you two?”

“I’m not really sure? I haven’t seen him around.”

“Wait, can you let me know how this whole thing blew up?”

I played with my fingers at first as I bit my bottom lip, not wanting to remember of that dreading situation. It was just embarrassing. “I’ve wrote a letter once about my feelings for him but I never intended to give it to him – maybe there is the urge a few times but I couldn’t find the guts to do it. I lend him a few books and accidentally with that letter as well.”

Sipping more of the bitter liquid into my throat that had been feeling bitter all this while, I continued, “Even though it wasn’t convincing, I actually told him it was some kind of old feelings I used to have for him. And that I’ve gotten over him.”

“Don’t you think that might be a good chance for you to let him know what you’ve been feeling for him? Why didn’t you try to listen to what he has to say?”

I shook my head. “I…I don’t know. I just got so scared.”

“Of what?”

“But, don’t you ever think it might be the best for him to know?”

“Why didn’t you try to listen to what he has to say?”

I sighed for the uncountable times on that day as I walked sullenly towards the exit of the building, checking the time that I had a few more minutes to catch on my next lecture. I accidentally bumped into someone’s side in the middle of the way but without looking and muttered a quick apology, I passed by the person and continued my way.

“Areum.”

I stopped my tracks to the familiar voice and I turned around to see that it turned out to be Baekhyun that I bumped into.

“Hi. Didn’t see you there. Sorry.”

“That’s alright.”

I nodded. “I actually have to go now. Got class starting in ten minutes so, yeah bye.” I weakly muttered and turned back to continue my way.

This heavy feeling just didn’t get away, even after those two hours of lecture right until I walked out of the campus compound and now standing by the crosswalk, waiting for the sign to turn green. I’ve always known how nothing would ever be the same anymore once this got out of the bag – literally – and this was what happening right now.

No Sehun in sight, not even a text. As I stared blankly to crossing lines on the road, I reminisced.

♦

I ran across the crosswalk with him in tow and when I saw him a few steps behind, I came back to him and pulled him to catch up my pace. “I’m so, so, so hungry. Sehun, come on, why are you so slow? You run a few laps every morning, I expect you to be faster than this.”

“Not when I just sprained my ankle this morning!” Then he fastened his pace and squished my face in his hands in annoyance. “You are so noisy when you’re hungry and still noisy even when you’re full. Do you ever get quiet for one second?” He said, feigning exasperation.

“Only while I’m stuffing my mouth with food.” I retorted and we both laughed.

♦

“I told you, you got this and look who’s in final! You should see how Seojoon got so furious after you beat his records. He's always so jealous of you and so arrogant, do you realize - ”

“Break is over! Oh! Get back to the pool!”

Sehun looked over to me with a fallen look at how he had to go and continued his training. His time was mostly occupied with training every time after classes that we sometimes barely even meet for even once in a week.

I waved him off to go. “I’m just here to congratulate you. Go.”

“We could have celebrated if only I had