Jongdae sits on the bench in front of his house while looking at the dark skies. “I wonder, if this is the god will” he said as he raise his right arm to the sky and make it as he grab the sky. “I know I promise not to fall in love again, but here i am, feeling hurt because of him” Jongdae starts to cry as he tell his story to the wind. “If only he knew what I feel, will he consider me as one of his lover?” said poor Jongdae. The rain starts to fall while Jongdae still sits on the bench, leaving himself wet and cold running through his veins.

   Jongdae has fall in love with one of his classmate but he knew that his classmate are straight as a pole, so there’s no hell of a chance for him to be together with him. He’s a bad boy even though Jongdae considered him as a good guy. Many of Jongdae friends are againts him with his crush Kim Jongin but Jongdae always gives his friends an explaination about him. But still, his friends couldn’t believe that Kim Jongin is a good guy because of his personality is considered as toxic. There’s one time, one of Jongdae’s friend got into verbal fight with him for calling her short. Jongdae who is watching that scene felt so dissapointed with Jongin’s behaviour towards his friend like that. So, Jongdae started to avoiding him but it only last for one month and Jongdae doesn’t even have a feeling to like him.

   But now, Jongdae is going crazy for him. Kim Jongin is so addictive to Jongdae. He likes his smell like a bubblegum and his funny personality. Good thing, Jongdae has always can be friend with anyone even though he has an anxiety and depression that cause by his social environtment, but he managed to surpress it and act to be strong because he always think, if he were weak then the world will be easily to kill him.

   Jongdae considered himself as Jongin friend because Jongin always makes a joke and talk with Jongdae. But Jongdae wanted to be more than friend, he wanted Jongin to be care of him as much as Jongdae care for him, but sadly that kind of hope is impossible to fulfill. Part of Jongdae heart is also scared if he push or text Jongin to show his careness, it would make Jongin leave him. Like today, Jongdae texts him at three in the morning because Jongdae knew that Jongin always wakes up at that time because he wants to pray. So he started to texts him “Are you awake?” text Jongdae, a few minutes later Jongin reply with short “yea” which is very common for straight boy to reply boy in texting. “I can’t sleep” reply Jongdae uncounsiously while scooping his Ice cream, “So what?” Jongin replied and Jongdae feels anxious with his reply so he decided to answer with “Nothing” and got sticker as a reply.

   It hurts Jongdae for only read his texts like that because this is Kim Jongin, his crush and his friend. Now the result Jongdae sits on this bench while thingking about what should he do the next time he meets Kim Jongin. “I have to be strong, that’s for  sure” thought Jongdae, “I can’t be weak in front of a man, never! never!” but sadly that word seems only like a lie because no matter how many times Jongdae said that, if he fall in love, he will fall until his self-esteem down and reset himself.

   “Let’s go back inside” said Jongdae to himself and stand up from the bench. He begins to walk inside his house and go to the kitchen. He starts to make a hot drink to clear his own mind and to ease the cold from before. But, his loneliness for living alone and the rain makes him think about Jongin more. Jongdae knew that he should be concentrate to his college and study but still his a human too. Human tend to be fragile to love, no matter how strong they are even the psychotic has love to fulfill same.

   A few minutes later, he starts to look at his phone. He open the IG apps and start to busying himself. He even make a snapchat about the rain and write a caption “The rain is cold, but you’re more colder” which get a reply from his friend Yuri. She said “who’s cold?” and Jongdae reply it with smile emoji. “C’mon tell me, who is it?”, Jongdae only read it. “I know you have a crush on someone. Is it from our faculty?”, “Geez, shut up” He reply. “I’m asking not talking”, “Your heart does” He reply. “What the? My heart is in silence”, “You ask this damn question means that your heart is not shut”, “Fine whatever, I wonder why your so mean” She said and give a cry emoji, “I do mean to everyone even to myself, so shut”, “yeah yeah” She reply and Jongdae only read it. It is not a secret if Jongdae is a mean person in the faculty even though Jongdae has a lot of friends and popular. But Jongdae mean has it own reasonable fact about it, he will be honest of something weird or something he dislike but he never tell about his like or his problems to anyone. Jongdae prefer to shut himself up but still become a social person.

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