It was almost midnight. Amber rolled to another side of her bed. The short-haired lady couldn’t sleep again, like usual. Her left arm hugged his plushie while her right arm held her smartphone. She swiped her thumb gently to unlock its screen. She logged into her SNS account. She scrolled down through her account. All she could find are just another updated status from her friends. She checked her private message. There was nothing new. Taeyang didn’t reply her last message. He even didn’t read the message she sent three months ago. She sighed as she clicked his name. Everything was still same. There wasn’t something new on his profile. His displayed picture hadn’t change, so did his last status.
She clicked his displayed picture and rubbed his face with her thumb. “Where are you?” She whispered to none. “Do you start to forget me now? I miss you…”
Amber’s vision started getting blurry with her tears. She put her phone beside her pillow. She even didn’t bother to logout from her SNS account. She hugged his plushie tightly. She closed her eyes and started sobbing softly. It would be another cold and lonely night of her.
Her bed was so warm and comfy for her before he came into her life. When he was in her side, she felt like she was the happiest person in this world. She felt so safe and calm inside his hug, no anxiety and no worry. It was like she was already at home. His hug was her home. But when he wasn’t beside her, her bed seemed so wide and cold. The night seemed so long. Summer breeze seemed so cold on her lonely night.
Actually she didn’t sleep alone. There was this little Taeyang, a handmade plushie that she made years ago. This plushie had similar look with him. Light brown hair. Cute eyes. Wide smile. It dressed in white tux and white short, the same outfit that he wore when he proposed to her on her birthday after being together for legit eight months. She also made another plushie of herself, a little Amber with longer hair, purple shirt and black pants. Those plushies were her gift to him for one of their monthsary. He kept the little Amber while she kept the little Taeyang. The little Taeyang always accompanied her at bed as a temporary replacement of her fiancé but it was just a plushie. It couldn’t replace him at all. The comfortable feeling was completely different. It didn’t feel the same.
That day she saw him put little Amber inside his luggage, on his folded shirts. He brought it with him. She wondered whether he also put that plushie beside his pillow. Did he hug that plushie every night like what she did? Did he talk with it like she used to talk with little Taeyang? Some questions appeared on her mind one by one. Her brain couldn’t stop thinking about every possibility that could be happened to him, from a good possibility till the worst one. Then this one question appeared on her mind, following with another one. What if little Amber was never getting out from his luggage? What if he threw away the little Amber?
“Please don’t forget me.” She prayed silently while hugging tight little Taeyang. “Don’t do this to me, Baobei. I love you so much. So, please come back soon. Don’t leave me alone. Don’t hang me like this. It hurts, a lot…” She cried again that night. Her pillow and that plushie’s head were drenched by her tears once again. She kept crying till she felt so tired and started fallen asleep.
August, 2nd.
It was his birthday. She really wished they could celebrate it together like last year. She couldn’t bake but she tried her best to bake birthday cupcakes to him. After passing multiple failures, finally she could make good looking and edible cupcakes. Her task wasn’t stopped on that stage. She needed to learn how to decorate the plain cupcakes with simple whipped cream. Due her busy schedules, she took almost a year to make everything looked perfect for her. All her efforts were paid off on his birthday. She made vanilla cupcakes that decorated with white whipped cream and sliced blueberries on top. She was so excited since morning and very happy after seeing the result of her baking.
She arranged the cupcakes on the plate. She also put ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY” candles on the top of cupcakes. She snapped a picture of the cupcakes and uploaded it on SNS. She sent it to him on private message along with a casual “Happy Birthday” greeting and those common birthday wishes. She tried her best to not show her feeling to him. She didn’t want him to feel sad on his birthday. She wanted he looked at her as a strong woman not a cry-baby girl. She wanted to show him that she did well when he wasn’t around her. She was fine although she knew she wasn’t fine at all. It wasn’t fine. That empty and lonely feeling ate her up, slowly and surely. It tortured her mind and soul every night. Without she even realised, it also influenced her works in a bad way. She was an artist but she seemed like already lost her muse. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know what to say. She even didn’t know herself anymore. She seemed like a lost child at the town.
September, 18th.
It was her birthday. In her selfish but honest pray, she wished she could meet him. She wished she could see his smiling face even just a glance. She wished she could hear his voice even just a second. She really hoped he would show up on her birthday and they could celebrate it together on her apartment. She had waited him from midnight till another midnight but there was no signal from him. He didn’t call her. He didn’t text her. He didn’t leave anything on her SNS account. He even didn’t react to the birthday cupcakes picture from her.
“Baobei, where are you?” She asked to the little Taeyang on her hands.
Chuseok 2016.
Amber took out a closed box from her wardrobe. She put the box on her bed. She opened it and revealed a folded white hanbok with purple ribbon. It was the same hanbok she wore last year. It was one of the outfits that he loved to see on her. She took out that folded hanbok from the box, along with folded periwinkle skirt underneath. She started to change her outfits into that hanbok. She stood in front of mirror as she tied the purple ribbon on her chest. She twirled once and gave a faint smile to her reflection.
“Mirror mirror hanging on the wall.” She chanted an old and useless spell. “I wish you could lie to me.” She pressed gently that cold mirror with her palm. “Please tell me a lie, the sweetest lie that I want to hear. Please show me the one I missed the most. Please show me his reflection, the only one thing that I want to see the most now.”
Amber stared at her reflection on the mirror for a moment. There was nothing strange happened. Everything seemed normal. All she could see there was her own reflection. She chuckled slightly, ashamed to herself. She combed her short hair with her fingers. Then she fixed her bangs, trying any style to make it good looking. She hummed softly the new unrecorded song she arranged by herself.
In the next second, her eyes widened. Her lips slightly parted. She froze on the spot. She thought she was dreaming. She took down her hand and blinked many time. That reflection was there inside the mirror. His reflection. Taeyang wore the same attires he wore last year, a pale blue hanbok. He smiled as he approached her. He took the empty spot beside her. Amber was in shock. She even didn’t know what to do and what to say. He was here. Her long waiting was over. He was finally at home. That was all matter.
“You look so beautiful as always.” Taeyang gave her a smile that could melt her instantly. “I see you let your hair grow longer.” He reached her hair strand and tucked it behind her ear. “You’re getting more beautiful like this, Amberry.”
Her eyes gradually clouded by tears. She missed him, a lot. She couldn’t control her emotion anymore. She quickly turned around and got ready to suffocate him with a tight hug. She already held up her arms but there was none behind her. She was completely alone since minutes ago. She was so confused. She dropped her arms and turned back to the mirror. It currently reflected her reflection only. It was just a mere daydream of her.
“Baobei, no!” She caressed the mirror where she saw his reflection few seconds ago. “Come back! Come to me again. Please… I miss you so much. I really want to see you.” She sobbed faintly.
Suddenly someone knocked her door. “Eonnie!” A familiar girl’s voice called her. “It’s time to go now!”
Amber quickly wept her tears. “Y-yeah, Luna! Five seconds more!” She yelled as she brushed some powder on her cheeks to erase her tears’ traces.
“Alright! I will wait at the front door!” Luna yelled before leaving Amber’s door.
“Okay!” Amber yelled back. She double checked her appearance before grabbing her backpack and left her room.
Amber would spend this Chuseok with Luna’s family. Luna’s mother invited her to their family dinner while Luna insisted her to sleepover on Park residence. They were so kind till Amber couldn’t refuse the offers. The dinner went so smooth and well. They threw jokes to each other. Amber also played with Luna’s nieces. It was a good distraction for her. She could stop thinking about him for few hours. She could laugh out loud because of the children’s silliness. She laughed till her jaws felt a bit hurt. She even forgot when the last time she let out a honest laugh like that. She found again her little happiness although it only for few hours.
“Eonnie, I’m so happy tonight.” Luna climbed on the bed and sit beside Amber.
“Why?” The older girl turned her head to the younger one. “Did something good happen?”
“Yes!” Luna looked at Amber. “Finally I can see you smiling and laughing like that. It has been a while, Eonnie. I think bringing you here isn’t a bad idea at all.” She smiled warmly.
“Thank you, Luna.” Amber gave her a faint smile. “I’m sorry if I made everyone worried recently.”
“What’s wrong with you, Eonnie? It’s not like the cheerful Amber Liu that I knew. Did something happen to you?” Luna hugged her pillow, waiting Amber to answer her questions.
That faint smile on Amber’s face gradually vanished. She sighed softly as looked down, avoiding Luna’s stare. It was a silent moment before Luna started to speak again.
“Is it about him? That Oppa? Uhh… What’s his name again?” Luna threw another set of questions to Amber. “What’s wrong with you and him? Did you two have a fight?
Amber whispered softly. “His name is Kim Taeyang, and we don’t have a fight, Luna. We even never had one. It’s just…” Amber paused for a moment.
“Just what, Eonnie?” A curiosity sparked in Luna’s eyes.
Amber took a deep breath before continuing her words. “He left…”
Luna gasped in shock. “Did you two break up? Are you okay?”
“No. There is no ‘break up’ words on our very last chat.” Amber shook her head. “He just left the city months ago. He said he needed to settle down stuffs. He promised to comeback here as soon as possible. But we lost contact since last March. I really miss him but don’t know how to contact him. He never picked up my call. He didn’t read my messages.” She cupped her head. “I don’t know anymore, Luna. I don’t know how long I should wait for him. It’s tortured me every night. It’s so painful.”
“Oh, Eonnie…” Luna hugged her head. “It’s okay.” She caressed Amber’s back lightly. “You’re not alone. You have me and Krystal and Vic eonnie and your friends and fans. We all love you so please don’t be sad like this.”
Amber couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. A teardrop rolled on her cheek, followed with another ones. She wrapped her arms around Luna’s waist. Her quiet sob turned into a soft bawl in no time. Luna rested her chin on Amber’s head. She looked up and took a deep breath many times, trying to not cry but she was failed. Luna was a crybaby anyway, beside she also experienced a similar thing like that before. She absolutely knew how hurt the pain that Amber must bear now. In the end she gave up and cried together with the rapper. She kept whispering to Amber that everything would be fine.
"You know, Eonnie. I've had a very painful love before.” Luna told her once she already calmed down. “I dated someone before, and he was a bad boy. At first, I didn't like him that much, but I fell more and more as time passed. However, he was the opposite and pushed me further and further away. I waited for his heart to come back, but I got tired of it and we broke up. That's when I learned that painful love isn't really a love.”
Luna’s words hit Amber so hard. Painful love wasn’t really a love. It sounded so true for Amber. Was it a sign that she must gave up on him? Was it really a time for her to start move on? But Amber really loved him. She expected a lot in him. She put all her future dreams on him. She promised him that she wouldn’t give up. He promised her he would be back to her side. She never broke all her promises before. She always fulfilled her promises. But for this case, should she break her promise to him?
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