Ending scene
I ALMOST DO
Winter, January 2017
I’m a selfish girl living in a selfish world with selfish hopes. The selfish me still want you to stay. My selfish soul still yearns to meet its one and only mate. My selfish lips still craving to hugs your soft and warm lips. My selfish arms want to hug you. I want to experience that feeling again. I feel so safe inside you warm and tight hug. I feel like so peaceful whenever I hear our hearts beat in the same rhythm, creating a perfect harmony of a soothing lullaby. I want to hear your deep voice that always calling my name in a sweetest way I ever heard in my lifetime. I want to see your smile again, the honest smile that never failed to make me sure that everything will be alright. I want to hear your laugh, the finest laugh that makes me want to laugh too. I want to hold your hand, intertwine my fingers with yours during our way back to home. I want to tell you a lot of things, the good and happy things, the bad and sad things, and the mere dreamy plans I want to do with you. But, I’m afraid to do that. I’m afraid if I tell you everything, I will give you a lot of ideas to make me happy. No, I don’t want it happens. I don’t want you do something you don’t like in order to please me. I want you to do something because you want to do it, not because someone wants you to do it.
Amber stopped typing the e-mail when she heard her phone buzzing. She lazily grabbed her phone and answered the call without bothering to see the caller ID. “Hello…” Her eyes still fixed at her PC screen.
“Hey, Amb…”, greeted a familiar male voice from the other side.
Amber rolled her eyes. “Bye, Henry…” She muttered.
“Hey! Hey! Wait! Don’t hang up yet!” Henry was getting panic. “Do you want free food?”
A smile crept on her face. “Did you just say free food?”
Henry grinned. “Yes! Interested?”
“Of course!” She replied quickly. “I’m always interested with food. Spill it up, Dude!”
“Okay! So, we will have BBQ party at my place tomorrow night, around 7 PM. Can you join us?” asked him.
“Tomorrow, huh?” She asked again as she glanced at her digital calendar on the right-bottom corner of her PC screen.
“Yes. Sorry if I invited you quite late but can you make it, Amb?” Henry asked her again.
Her eyes widened in shock. “I…”
“Yes? Can you come, Girl?” Henry’s voice was full of hope.
“I’m sorry…” She hissed. “I have a plan around that time.”
“Oh…” The wide smile gradually faded from his face.
“Sorry, Henry.” She apologised once again.
“Nah! It’s okay, not a big deal.” Henry replied. “It’s my fault to ask you just now.”
“Probably next time I can come and join you guys.” She smiled softly.
“Yeah. Probably next time.” Henry nodded and smiled. “Alright then. I’ll hang up now. I need to call the others.”
“Okay. See you later, Dude, and have fun with the others.” She said.
“You too. Have fun with your plan. Good night”, said him before hanging up.
“Good night, Henry.” She whispered and put her phone back on her table. “Fun, huh? I’m not sure anymore.” She stared at the calendar displayed on her PC screen.
Amber saved her writing as draft for the nth time. She didn’t have any nerve to send it and other drafted e-mails to him. She was afraid of his reaction when he read them. Probably he would come to her place in a rush because the guilt that built up inside him, because of his sympathy to her, not because he missed her. She gradually doubted her feeling into him. The thing between them, was it really love?
On the next day, Amber emptied her schedule for two days in-a-row. She opened her wardrobe and grabbed blue t-shirt and ivory jeans. She changed her clothes and stood in front of the mirror to brush her short black hair. She covered the faint black circle around her eyes with concealer. She kept her make-up as natural as possible as if she didn’t put any. On the last touch, she sprayed strawberry scented perfume on her body before she wore her black winter coat. She checked her appearance once again on the mirror for the last time. It was perfect. She flashed a smile as she wore her backpack and left her apartment.
The sun almost set when Amber reached the park. She stopped walking and stood on the same spot she met him three years ago. She took a deep breath before closing her eyes, recalling every details of their first moment. Three years ago, on the same time, on the same place, they bumped to each other. At that time she went to the bar alone because none of her friends could accompany her, while he was in his way back to his dorm. He noticed her first although she was in a perfect disguise with her cap and mask.
He approached and greeted her politely. “Hello, Miss Amber. ToppDogg's rapper and eldest brother, Jenissi imnida. It's a pleasure to meet you.” He flashed a friendly smile while extended his hand to her.
She was surprised a bit when a stranger suddenly appeared in front of her and introduced himself in a very good manner. But she quickly covered her confusion by pulling down her mask and smiled politely at him. “Hi, Jeni…” She paused for a second because she forgot what his name again but she decided to ignore it. “Pleasure to meet you too. How are you?” She replied him in standard introduction that written in every language textbooks, took his hand and shook it gently.
“I'm doing pretty good. Thanks for asking.” Jenissi smiled and shook her hand before doing something she never expected before. He takes her hand gently and planted a soft kiss on the back of it. “How are you doing, Miss?”
Amber was taken aback with his act. “Huh?” She blinked and stared at their hands. “I'm fine…” She retreat her hand and let it dropped on her side.
“That's good to hear, Miss.” The polite guy chuckled a bit seeing her reaction. “Don't be surprised by my actions. I'm just being polite.” He put his hand back on his side.
“Well, let see.” She cleared . “First of all, don’t call me with miss. Second, I don’t think it’s necessary to kiss my hand, Jeni.” She stared at him, lowkey glared a bit.
“Well, about the first thing, I'm sorry, Miss Amber. What can I say? I was raised in this way. I think it’s one of the good habits of mine.” He chuckled again. “And about the second, it's my way of showing my respect towards you.”
“Nah. It’s okay. But I think a slight bow is enough for me to show your respect to me. Well, kissing hand is a bit too much for me.” She smiled awkwardly.
He nodded and smiled. “Okay, Miss. I shall respect your decisions then.”
She sighed. “Don't call me with Miss. Just call me Amber, like everyone does, ara?”
He chuckled. “It will be a bit difficult, but I'll try my best…” He hesitated a bit before saying her name with his deep voice. “Amber…”
Amber nodded and smiled. “That's better.”
He smiled back and asked her. “Has somebody told you before that you have a beautiful smile?”
“Eh? Hmm… I heard that before from few people.” She nodded. “But thank you for tell me that.”
“No problem, Miss.” He replied shortly.
She chuckled while shook her head. “You did it again. I guess changing your habit is really difficult.”
“Yes, it is.” He nodded firmly. “I'm used to formalities a lot, as you can see.”
“Hmm, I see.” She nodded and smiled.
“So, again, I'm sorry about that.” He chuckled, trying to make their conversation less awkward. “By the way, is there something you want to do?”
“It’s okay.” She shrugged. “I guess nothing.” She decided to lie because he was a stranger after all. She barely knew him. She shouldn’t give him too much information. ”How about you, Jeni?” She asked him.
“I usually let the ladies decide what they want to do, because I'm actually okay with everything, as long as someone's being happy.” His reply amused her.
“But what if the ladies need a second option? You won’t provide it to them?” She tried to dig deeper into his mind.
He surprised a bit with her questions and quickly thought the reply. “Of course I will. But I guess it's their decision after all, I won't interfere in it.” He smiled, satisfied with the best answer he could think in a few seconds.
“Hmm… Do you have a high tolerate of alcohol?” That question finally slipped out from after thinking multiple times.
He widened his eyes. “I do. But, Miss Amber, are you sure about what you want to do? I do also care about safety.” He looked at her worriedly.
She gave him another laugh. “I feel like I'm talking with someone from my past. Let’s drink some beer. Don’t worry. I won’t get tipsy till seventh cans.” She mentally cursed herself. How could she act so careless giving personal information to a stranger like that? Although he looked like a good man but he was still a stranger she barely knew.
“Oh, what a lady do we have in here.” He chuckled a bit. “Fine.”
“I’m never being a real lady cause with this handsome face the ladies are always chasing me.” She crooked a smile.
He raised his eyebrow. Her replied obviously amazed him. He never expected it came from . “Who knows, maybe even guys will be chasing you, Miss.”
“Hmm… maybe…” She whispered. “The gay ones.” She chuckled again.
He shook his head lightly. “Not necessary. At least, that's what I think, Miss.”
“Okay. Let’s go to the bar…” She asked him.
“Okay, Miss.” He replied as moved aside, gave her a way to lead him.
Amber opened her eyes. She looked around then let out a loud sigh. None was happened. Even after she remembered everything, including imagined his face and his voice, she was all by herself. He wasn’t around her. She started walking again, strolled the same path like she did three years ago with him, a long and quiet path that would bring her to her favourite bar. She was on her own. Her eyes were completely blank, so was her mind. She just let her feet moving freely and brought her body to anywhere they wanted. Then something caught her attention, brought back her soul to her body.
It was happened few steps away from her. She witnessed a sweet scene that she really wanted it happened to her too. A young couple walked out from a minimarket. They looked so happy. They laughed, threw jokes to each other while walking hand-in-hand. The boy held a plastic bag on his free hand while the girl kept making a funny face to him. Amber looked down to her left hand. God knew how she wished she could hold his hand again. She sighed. She curled her left hand, pretended that he was beside her and held her hand, just like what he did on the first day they met. Then she resumed her walk to that bar.
It was a long pathway. It was quite awkward for them. They just met and barely knew each other. Jenissi tried his best to make everything comfortable for her, well, at least less awkward. They kept talking about random things. He couldn’t help himself to not secretly steal a glance to the tomboy girl beside him. He did it many times, secretly admiring her beauty figure from this close. But he really hoped that she didn’t notice it. His eyes travelled from her face into her free left hand that slightly swinging every time she took another step. He kept thinking silently whether to hold her hand or not. His heart was beating a bit fast when his right hand moved a bit closer to her left hand. They were so close, almost touching. But he immediately retreat his hand when she turned her face to him, protesting about the way he called her.
“It's Amber, Jeni. Don’t call me with miss cause you're not my servant or something like that.” She protested.
He gave her another polite smile. “As I told you before, I tend to be formal, so I'm sorry about that. I'm used to say 'miss' to every lady I meet.”
“Then let’s pretend that I'm not a lady.” She nodded. “How’s about it?”
He chuckled again. “You're still a girl. I would still be calling you miss, no matter if you are a tomboy.” He argued, trying to not lose on their conversation.
“Well, if you say so…” She didn’t know what to say anymore.
“I'm just sharing my point of view about things, Amber.” He added, hopefully she didn’t misunderstand him, or worst, mad at him.
“I know and I appreciate it.” She nodded and smiled.
“You’re not mad at me?” He stared at her in surprise.
She laughed softly. “Why should I? I have no reason to do that though.”
He grinned. “That’s really a relief. I just didn’t want to hurt your feeling with my previous words.”
She shook her head. “Your words didn’t hurt me at all.”
They looked at each other and exchanged sincere smile. They kept walking and resumed their random talk; and his urge to hold her hand was getting bigger by second. Slowly but surely, he lifted his hand slightly and brushed the back of her hand. She gasped softly before turning at him. He gave her a shyly smile as he smoothly sneaked his fingers into her palm and held her hand. She blinked and flustered. She stared at him but strangely she didn’t retreat her hand and allowed him to do whatever he wanted. She simply smiled at him as he rubbed gently her hand with his thumb. He couldn’t help but returned her with a very happy smile. They walked hand-in-hand like that till they reached the bar.
After walking for minutes, finally Amber arrived to her favorite bar, the same bar she visited with him three years ago. She pushed the door and got inside. She approached the bartender’s table. She put her backpack on the floor and took off her winter coat. She folded her coat neatly and put it aside as she took a seat. The bartender greeted her politely.
Amber greeted back the bartender before saying her drink order. “Five… Ah, no!” She shook head. “Seven cans of beer please, and one vir-“ She paused a bit. “I meant one bloody mary with little salt but don’t shake it too much, okay?”
The bartender nodded. “Anything else?” He asked.
“Only that. Thank you.” She replied as she gave him some money.
He took the money. “Alright. Your drink will be served in a moment.” The bartender smiled before leaving.
Amber nodded. Her delicate fingers tapped the table gently in the same tempo with the blasting music there. She wanted to party and enjoyed the night. She didn’t want to think about anything. She didn’t want to torture her poor brain with useless stuffs. She was tired with everything. She reached her limit. Tonight was her time to draw a line and said no more to the past. She should’ve do this months ago but she stubbornly kept staying, waiting something to happen, but nothing was happened. She wasted her energy, tears, and time just like that.
In the next minutes, the bartender was back. He served her drinks. He also gave her the bill and the return money. Amber took the money. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome and enjoy your night.” The bartender replied before leaving her.
She shoved the money into her coat’s pocket. She grabbed her bloody mary cocktails and took a sip. The strong vodka and spices taste quickly burnt as that red-orange liquid smoothly flew inside . She took another sip, completely ignoring that unpleasant sensation. She didn’t stop till the last gulp.
“Aaaah!” She put down her glass on the table. Her brain suddenly replayed an old memory occurred on that table.
Amber and Jenissi arrived to the bar. They took seats on bartender’s table. She ordered five cans of beer and a shot of mary with a little salt. He was quite surprised hearing her order. She told him to order anything he wanted and it would be her treat. But he lowkey refused it, telling her that he would order something later. Bar was quite dangerous place for a drunken lady. He didn’t want something bad happened to her. Out of the blue, he had strong urge to protect her in any cost. He needed to stay awake and made sure she would be alright till he returned her to her home.
Jenissi chuckled as watched her opened her first can of beer. “You're seriously something, Miss Amber.”
“Something?” She chuckled. “I prefer to be nothing, to be honest.” She sipped her beer.
He widened his eyes, totally couldn’t cover his shock. “Why do you say that, Miss?”
“Cause I don’t want someone notices me.” She smirked. “You sure you won't drink?” She offered a can to him.
He refused it politely. “No, thank you. But back to the point, is there a reason for that? Why don't you want to be noticed?”
“Okay then.” She opened the can and drank it. “Cause I want to be happy with my own way and I don’t want someone ruins my way.” She flashed a wide smile, almost a grin.
“But considering yourself as nothing it's not good. Everyone in this world is unique and special. Besides, everybody's born because of something, a reason, a mission that we need to accomplish, our destiny.” He argued.
She nodded and smiled. “I know but something can't last forever.” She hummed as opened her third can and drank it.
“It can last forever only if you want it to.” He gazed her deeply.
“Really?” She stared at him. “Hmm... maybe I don’t want it happens.” She grinned before finishing her third can.
“Well, what is that something that you don't want it to happen?” He asked curiously.
She started drinking her mary. “A thing that related with forever.” She nodded firmly and he responded it with a sigh.
Amber looked at two rings that lingering on her fingers. Both of them were given by the same person. The silver ring with light blue stone and ‘forever’ word was their couple rings she received from him after a month they dated. The other ring was their engagement ring, a golden ring with round amber stone in the middle. It was the ring he gave her when he proposed her, asking her to marry him on her birthday there years ago. Those rings were always stayed there since day one she received them. She never took them off except when she was on photo shoot or filming on outdoors. She used to take care of those precious rings. Unconsciously, she rubbed those rings, checking whether they were still there in every minute. She felt so calm and relieved whenever her fingertip touched those cold metals.
Amber stared at her rings. She rubbed them again, playing with them for a moment while spacing out. She was so deep in her mind till the blasting music on that bar was faded away from her ears. She grabbed a can of beer and opened it. She finished her first can in one gulp. Her eyes still locked on those rings as she put down that empty can. She took her second can and drank it in the same way with the previous one. She felt a bit better, a bit lighter, seemed like she was about to fly. She was almost reaching her limit. She knew it but she decided to ignore that signal. She took her third can and drank half of it. She lifted her hand and rubbed the rings again. She played with them for a moment before she slowly pulled them till her fingertips.
The rings were hanging poorly in the edge of her fingers. She lifted her hand higher, gently swinging the rings in front of her eyes. Her eyes were getting hot. Her sight was getting blurry. Those rings were getting heavy and her hand was getting weak. She put down her hand and tapped her fingers in the edge of her empty glass. Those rings had fallen so easily into the glass, drenched with the leftover of her bloody mary cocktails. She let out a soft sob as a teardrop rolled on her cheek. She quickly grabbed her third can and finished her beer. She opened her fourth can. She drank it sip by sip while stared at the rings inside the empty cocktail glass. She cried silently as she had her fifth can. She low down her head and scratched her short hair. She let out a deep sigh as she combed her messy hair with her fingers.
She was getting tipsy after finishing her sixth can. She was in her limit. She needed to stop. She knew it but a little devil inside her challenged her to push over her limit. One can of beer left. It would be such a waste if she didn’t drink it now. It was her party after all, her own and secret party. She should enjoy the night and didn’t think about anything else but her happiness. The music came back into her ear. She moved her head and legs slightly as she opened her last can. She enjoyed her last beer while moving her body in the same tempo with the music.
After drinking all her beer, she gripped the edge of the table and slowly stood up. She stumbled, almost fallen. She shook head and blinked many times. Her sight wasn’t as clear as before. She was more than tipsy. She was completely sober. She grabbed her winter coat and wore it. She bent down to take her backpack from the floor. Then her eyes looked at the rings inside her empty cocktails glass. She squinted her eyes, made the picture of two rings inside the glass was getting clearer. She straightened her body while wore her backpack. Then she froze on her spot for a moment, having a silent stare contest with those rings. She took a deep breath. She fixed her backpack and turned around. She walked away, leaving those rings there.
She only took few steps away from the table before turning back. Her cocktails glass was still there, along with seven empty beer cans. She looked at those rings for what she thought as the last time. She turned away and resumed to walk but her next step seemed too heavy to do. She bit her bottom lip. Once again she had a battle with herself. She grunted softly as she turned back and quickly approached the table. She lifted the glass and poured the rings out. She put the glass down. She grabbed those rings and stuffed them into her jeans’ pocket. She scratched her head as she left the bar.
Amber was completely sober. She couldn’t walk straight anymore. Her head was getting dizzy. Her eyes were half opened. Every step she took seemed so heavy for her. At that state, she could pass out anytime but she was still magically conscious. She still remembered the way back to her apartment. She slowly stroll the long pathway again. She was trying her best to not bump into someone who walked around her. She rubbed her eyes, trying to make them opened a bit wider. Then suddenly a strong hand grabbed her arm from behind. She jumped slightly in surprised. She turned back to see the owner of that hand. Her eyes widened and parted slightly as she saw the face of that stranger.
It was a hand of a guy, a very handsome guy in her blurry sight. He was almost in the same height with her. His orbs gazed deeply into hers. His hand still held her arm tightly but he made sure it wouldn’t hurt her. His mouth shaped a small ‘O’. He panted heavily, trying to steady his breath. It seemed like he just had a marathon from somewhere to reach her. He couldn’t help but smiling after seeing her shock face.
“Angel…” He called her in a gentle whisper.
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