Advent 2016

"Dear, will you back home this Christmas?" asked Mrs. Liu in one of their video calls. 

“I’m sorry, Mom.” She whispered softly as she shook her head.

“You can’t?” Mrs. Liu asked again to make sure herself. Her daughter nodded. “Are you really busy till you can’t back home on holidays, Dear?”

Amber pursed her lips. “I’m sorry, Mom. But I’m in a tight spot now.” She flashed a faint smile to her mother. “There are a lot of stuffs that I need to finish them as soon as possible.”

“Oh, Dear…” Mrs. Liu took a deep breath to cover up her disappointment. “Okay. I got it.” The old lady smiled. “Just take care of yourself, okay? Don’t skip the meal. Have enough sleep. You look skinner, Amber, and your eyes look so bad.” She squint her eyes. “Are you okay, Dear? Everything is fine there?”

Amber quickly nodded. “Yes, Mom. Everything is okay here. Don’t worry. I can take care myself.”

“But your eyes…” said Mrs. Liu.

“My eyes?” Amber blinked and wiped her eyes with her free hand.

“What’s wrong, Amber? Please don’t lie with me. Something bad is happened right? Were you crying all night?” Mrs. Liu started her infamous interrogation session.

“A-aaah…” Amber laughed uneasy to cover her true feeling. “Yes, I was, but don’t worry, Mom.” She quickly added. “I’m perfectly fine. It just… Luna… She forced me to do movie marathon last night and she suggested very sad movies. We cried a lot because of them.”

Mrs. Liu stared at her daughter suspiciously. “So… it’s because of the sad movies?” Amber nodded firmly. “Very very sad movies?”

“Yes, Mom. Just sad movies, the very sad ones.” Amber chuckled. “Don’t worry too much. I’m okay here. I’m perfectly okay. I’m just being busy recently with, you know, my jobs here and I need to keep everything under top-secret labels.” Amber looked at her mother, highly hoping she would believe her lies.

Mrs. Liu sighed. “Okay then. I believe you this time. But only this time! Don’t stress out yourself, okay? I love you! Don’t forget to call home at Christmas. Dad asks about you all time. See you later.”

“Yes, Mom. I will call at Christmas. See you later too. Send my love to Dad and Jackie. I love you too, Mom.” Amber smiled as she waved to her phone screen. 

Mrs. Liu waved at Amber before she disconnected. Amber put down her phone on the table. She sighed softly as she stared at her phone.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I’ve lied to you but I’ve no choice. I don’t want to make you worry again.” She mumbled softly.

Amber her PC. She resumed her work, editing her upcoming music video. She was so excited with her solo project. She edited the video while humming the song softly. Minutes passed. Her eyes still glued on the screen and her index finger was busy clicking the mouse. She did her work very well till her phone was ringing. She saved her edit and grabbed her phone. Henry’s name was displayed on the screen. She quickly answered the dial.

“Yes, Henry?” She asked.

“Hey, Amber.” Henry greeted cheerfully. “I need a help.”

“Not me. I’m busy.” Amber replied shortly.

“Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait! Don’t hang up yet.” He was getting panic. “It’s not a difficult task. Just five minutes or so, and everything is done.”

Amber raised her eyebrow. “Five minutes?”

“Yes.” He added.

“Are you sure it only takes five minutes?” She asked again.

“Absolutely.” He insisted.

“Okay. Five minutes and no additional time or I’ll hang up.” She replied.

“Yes! Thank you!” He yelled in excitement. “Are you online now? I will drop something to your mailbox so you can see it clearly.”

“Uhhh… wait.” She started confuse. “Why you don’t tell me directly at phone?”

Henry rolled his eyes. “Girl, please. It’s related to top secret, ultimately top secret.”

“Oh! I got it. Wait! Lemme connect my PC to internet first.” Amber quickly closed all the opened windows on her screen. She connected to the internet and logged in to her e-mail. 

“Alright! I will send it to you now!” Henry smiled widely as he clicked send tab on his PC screen. “Done!”

“What do you send to me?” Amber asked as she checked her inbox.

“Just open it and tell me what you think about it!” He grinned.

Amber clicked his e-mail but still wanted to . “It’s not a spam, right?”

“What you say? Of course it’s not!” He said.

Her eyes scanned to his letter. “Is it a virus?”

“Amber, please! I just wanted you to check my Korean translation!” He sounded impatient. 

Amber grinned as she read his e-mail. “So it’s safe for me to open it? Should I scan it first with my antivirus?”

“Damn it, Am! Just open my e-mail! NOW!” He yelled in frustration.

She laughed. “Got it! Got it! I read it now. Is it a song lyric?”

“Yes!” His voice was back to normal. “I just finished translate it from English. What do you think? Is it good? Or, sounds a bit weird?”

“I think it’s good. It doesn’t sound weird when I read it.” Amber nodded.

“Really? You’re sure?” He asked again.

“Yeah! You did well. But why you ask me about this? Why you don’t ask the others? I think their Korean way better than mine.” She asked as she scrolled down to check other unread e-mails in her inbox.

“I did but they seemed busy and I needed a very quick respond about this.” He chuckled. “Thanks, Am. I’ll treat you nachos next time. Bye!”

“Anytime, Henry. Bye!” She replied before disconnecting.

Amber sighed as she checked the e-mails. She found nothing special there but she still kindly replied those e-mails. Then her pointer stopped on the certain old e-mail. It was the last e-mail from Taeyang. She battled with herself whether to open that e-mail. After one minute in silence, she decided to open it. Her hand held the mouse tightly when her trembling finger clicked that e-mail. She took a deep breath as his e-mail displayed on the screen. She read it again for the nth time. She even could imagine his voice said those words to her, as if he directly told her about his latest condition; that he was fine and doing quite good there.

She clicked the reply tab. She put her palms on the keyboard. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then in the next second, she opened her eyes. She stared at the blank column before letting her delicate fingers dancing on the keyboard, transferring every word that appeared in her current mind into a quite long and emotional letter. She poured another particle of her soul into it; all her current feelings, and the things she wanted to say. She typed for almost one hour. She even didn’t realise her eyes and cheeks already drenched with tears. 

She straightened her back and rested it on her seat. She dropped her hands on her lap. She leaned her head on her seat and looked up to her ceiling. She sighed. She stayed like that for a moment before focusing her eyes back to the PC screen. She wept her tears with her palm. Slowly she put her hand back to the mouse. She pointed the cursor to the send tab. Again, she had a silent debate with herself. A side told her to send it and another one told her to not send it. 

She stared blankly to the screen and reread the last paragraph of her so-called long essay. The clock on the wall kept tickling, adding a slightly tense vibe to her. After thinking for a moment, she finally found her decision. She moved the cursor to ‘save as draft’ tab and clicked it. She sighed in relief once the notification popped up, telling her that it was already saved as draft. She quickly clicked the draft section to double check it. The draft section appeared on the screen. It revealed hundreds unsent e-mails she had written since he was gone. 

Those e-mails contained everything inside her heart and mind. She wrote anything she wanted to tell him, anything she wanted him to know, but she didn’t have enough nerve to send them to him. She didn’t want to bother him. She didn’t want to burden him. She didn’t want to make him worried. She didn’t want to look so weak and fragile and miserable in his eyes. She wanted to keep her strong girl image in front of him. A strong and independent girl image that made him attracted to her years ago.