Chapter 15: Brunch.

Saturday.

12:00 p.m.

    Himchan walked from side to side, Jongup didn't show up yet and the cooking class was about to start. He pulled from his pocket the phone and started texting Jongup, but he stopped halfway when he saw a familiar face in the crowd, thinking it was the Try My Luck singer, Himchan rushed towards him, but his excitement worn when he saw the familiar face clearly, it was Daehyun instead of Jongup.

    “It's you! What are you doing here?!” Himchan said, annoyed.

    “I'll join you in the cooking class!!!”

    “You aren't Jonguppie”

    “He's busy with Digimon World: Next Order” Daehyun waved his hand “I'm taking his place. You should thank me since you won't be by yourself in classes, that'd be lame, you know”

    “I'll kill him when I return to the dorms” Himchan said.

    “Are we going yes or not?”

    “Fine, but the cooking class is important to me, understand? I'm the best student, if you embarrass me I'll...”

   “I'd never embarrass you, you can do it by yourself” Daehyun burst in laughs.

    “Listen to me, little brat, if you pull any of your pranks, I'll shove you in the oven, you hear me?”

    “Loud and clear” Daehyun said.

    “Fine, let's go” Himchan smiled and dragged the younger with him inside the cooking academy.

01:00 p.m.

    Chaejin showed up at the terrace of the restaurant where he set to meet Junhong. The younger (Junhong) was already sitting at the table full of food.

    “You’re going to pay?” Chaejin sat beside him and grabbed a piece of bread “I didn't bring the wallet”

    “Don't mind, I took money from the hyungs” Junhong shrugged his shoulders and recalled Jongup, the elder was so into his videogame he didn't notice when Junhong took his wallet.

    “Well” Chaejin smiled and spread butter on the crispy crust of the bread “How was Japan?”

    “Fine, we did the same as ever”

    “And?”

    “And?”

    “You called me at two in the morning, saying it's an emergency”

    “I exaggerated... Maybe... I don't know”

    “You want me to guess? I'm not in the mood; I spent the night awake because of your call. I thought something bad happened to you”

    “Sorry for that... I don't know what to say... It's complicated... I don't know where to start”

    “How about from the beginning?”

    “Well... In Japan we did the same as ever; interviews, lives... The staff gave us the last day as free day; we could do whatever we wanted”

    “And?”

    “I spent the whole day walking around Tokyo, knowing interesting places, eating delicious food, taking pics...”

    “And?”

    “With Yongguk hyung”

    “And?”

    “I think I'm in love with him”

    “Gosh, is it 2012 again?” Chaejin choked on the piece of bread “I remember you said these things exactly five years ago”

    “We're in 2017” Junhong said “I think I'm in love with Yongguk hyung. I've always thought he's cool and fun, I like him more than my own big brother, and he isn't my big brother, thank God he isn't my big brother, because I like him like liking liking...”

    “You're sure were aren't in 2012? Back then you said the same about Yongguk hyung”

    “Can you shut up and let me finish?” Junhong said “I don't want Yongguk hyung to be my hyung; I don't want him to be my friend! I want him and me to be more... I can't stop thinking about him as a man; my feelings aren't of a dongsaeng... I admire and respect him, but I'm attracted too...”

    “I only can say these things to you because you're my friend, I could never say anything to Yongguk. He doesn't like men, even if he does, he only sees me like a friend or a little brother, he's kind and nice to everybody, he's protective and warm to everybody”

    “I don't have any chance with him. What do I do?”

    “We've already gone through this” Chaejin said seriously “We reached the conclusion that you had an infatuation for Yongguk hyung because you two were spending too much time together and that's why you had to get apart to stop those feelings, didn't we?”

    “Yes, the feelings went away once I stopped spending so many time with him... but right now I'm having those feelings again...”

    “Because you're spending too much time with him again, just go out with other friends, go clubbing or dance practice, you'll get over these feelings soon”

    “You think it's going to work?”

    “It worked before, didn't it?”

    “Yes, but at that time I was fifteen, I used to fall in love at every week, Bang Yongguk was my platonic love... but now I'm twenty one... I'm an adult and my feelings aren't volatile like before... I think this time my feelings for Yongguk aren't going to go away... Indeed, I think my feelings for him were real back then and I've been in love with him all this time, I just pretended to walk away from what I feel... but now I'm sure I like him for real and I’ve never stopped to”

    “Fine, the only thing left to do is Plan C”

    “Plan c?”

    “Confess your feelings for him”

    “Aren't you listening to me? He doesn't like men; I haven't even seen him with girlfriends... Ok, I saw him with two or three girls, but... never boys... and even though he likes boys, he just sees me like a friend... Besides, he has a lot of issues; I don't want to make things harder for him...”

    “I don't know what to say” Chaejin sighed “Yongguk hyung cares for you, you should tell him your feelings, he'll understand, even though he doesn’t feel the same, you'll take away a great weight from you”

    “But after confessing and being rejected I won't be able to be with him as if nothing”

    “Of course, if he rejects you, you both will be uncomfortable to each other for a while, but if you keep your feelings to yourself, you're going to be uncomfortable to yourself forever”

05:00 p.m.

    “Good evening, I've come to see Dr. Jeon” Yongguk said to the secretary behind the counter.

    “Do you have an appointment?”

    “No, but it's important, I need to talk to her”

    “Hold on” she called the doctor by phone “Dr. Jeon? Mr. Bang is here and wants to talk to you, but he doesn't have an appointment. Yeah, fine, of course, I'll tell him” the woman hung up and stared at the young man before her “Dr. Jeon said she'll see you in few minutes. Meanwhile, you can take sit and wait”

    “Thanks” Yongguk took sit, but he was too impatient, he started walking from side to side, playing with his phone, turning it on and turning it off over and over, he stopped at the balcony and watched the streets and the people walking around, but the noise from the cars and buses made him more impatient.

    “Mr. Bang, Dr. Jeon is waiting for you” the secretary said.

    Bang Yongguk sighed in relief, he needed to talk to someone, he went to the physician's office he knew so well.

    The placed didn’t change at all; it was large with many chairs and a big couch in the middle. Dr. Jeon was sitting on a black chair and pointed a chair next to her for the patient to sit.

    “I'm glad to see you, Yongguk; I haven't seen you for a while”

    “I've been busy”

    “You know you have to come often”

    “I do”

    “Are you taking your medicine?”

    “Yes. Sometimes I forget, but I do take it when I remember”

    “Fine” she typed on her laptop “What do you want to tell me so urgently? Are you doing well at work?”

    “Yes”

    “And how about your personal life?”

    “Yes. Fine”

    “Do you want to deepen?”

    “I was promoting B.A.P's latest single in Japan... We came back few days ago... We're going to make another single...”

    “That's good”

    “Yes”

    “Are you getting along with the other members?”

    “Sure...”

    “How about Junhong?”

    “What about him?”

    “The last time we spoke, you told me you were worried about how others saw you, you were afraid of disappointing them, mainly, Junhong, because since you were kids, he was very close to you. You said you walked away from him and stopped spending time with him because you didn't want to do something wrong and upset him...”

    “Well, we're close again; we started spending time again...”

    “That's good”

    “No, it's not”

    “Why? I'm sure he understands your anxiety and, sometimes, depression; he won't be upset by that. I'm sure he knows you're a human being and just because you get sad or anxious don't mean he'll be disappointed or mad”

    “It's not that simple”

    “Is there something else bothering you?”

    “If I tell you, you can't say it to others, right?”

    “Of course I can't, it's between me and you”

    “You promise?”

    “I promise, except the thing you're going to tell me will put you or others in danger, I'll have to report it, but as long as it's nothing wrong, I won't say anything”

    “Fine... I'll trust you...” Yongguk said “I like a man”

    “Are you gay?”

    “No! I don't know. Maybe? He's the only man I like, am I gay?”

    “Ok, let's leave the tags aside and let's talk about your feelings for that man”

    Yongguk remained in silence, regretting about his confession.

    “Don't worry, whatever you say to me it's confidential”

    “I don't want you to judge me”

    “Why I'm going to do that? Look, if you don't want to talk, it's ok”

    “I want to, but I'm afraid of these feelings becoming real if I say it”

    “No matter if you like a boy or a girl, love is good” she said “How did you meet him?”

    “At the studio when we were trainees”

    “Is someone from your band?”

    “Yes”

    “Does he feel the same?”

    “I don't know. I've seen him dating girls and boys, I guess he's bi, but we're talking about me, aren't we?”

    “Yes. Go on”

    “When I met him, he was a little fat, shy, clumsy, but with a great spirit, hard working and talented, he followed me everywhere because I was older and he said he wanted to be like me. He always asked me to lend him my CDs; we spent hours talking about music and the rappers we liked... To me he was like my little bother, I always wanted to have a little brother, I mean, I have a big sister and a twin, but it's not the same”

    “Anyway, he, the guy I like, became prettier and taller as time went by, I started being attracted to him, but I never took my feelings seriously, after all I was a teen and we spent too much time together. It’s normal to feel attraction for someone you spend a lot of time with, right? Nevermind, I stopped feeling that way eventually, but lately we're spending a lot of time together again and we aren't teens anymore, I don't see him like a little brother anymore, I don't even see him like a friend, I see him like someone I want to be with everyday and everynight, I want to hold him in my arms, kiss him, cuddle with him… These kind of things are things that boyfriends do, right? Man, am I gay?”

    “I can't tell you..., but by listening to you, I can say you're in love with him and it's fine”

    “It is fine?! I don’t think so, he's from my band, we're friends, I can't hug him and kiss him!!! What if he doesn’t feel the same? It’s going to be awkward not feeling the same and being in the same band and having to see each other everyday, we'll never be friends anymore. The band is important to me, he is important to me; I don't want to lose any of that for having these stupid feelings”

    “Your friendship isn't going to end for being honest with your feelings, even if your friend doesn’t feel the same, he will understand you”

    “No, I can't, I'm afraid of being rejected or worst, he won't even talk to me anymore... or maybe he'll say yes to my feelings just because he feels sorry for me, after all, I'm pitiful, I don’t want to burden him, I've already burdened everyone with my problems. Just give me medicine to stop feeling”

    “There's no medicine to stop feeling”

    “Then what do I do?”

    “Say what you feel, that is scary, but you'll feel better after being honest to the person you like. He won't stop being your friend, maybe things will be hard, but you'll get over it”

    “What if I start going out and meeting people and dating them? I'll fall in love with someone and I'll stop liking him!!! Then we'll all be happy. It makes sense, isn’t?”

    “Love doesn't work that way, you can't fall in love with someone else by force in order to forget the one you really like”

    “Why not? There are million people worldwide; I can fall in love with anyone but him and period. I won’t feel anything anymore for him! And me and him will stay friends”

    “Yongguk, love doesn't work that way”

    “Thank you so much, you're really great at your work” Yongguk got up from his seat “Now I know what I have to do, just go out and meet someone and fall in love, so I'll stop having these feelings for him”