Safe Place.

Chapter 1: Hands.

Monday.

3 o'clock in the morning.

    Ordinary people were sleeping, they had to wake up early for work or school, but Junhong wasn't ordinary; he was an idol, model, entertainer, rapper, dancer, B.A.P's maknae, talented and young star on the rise. He had school though, but not those days.

    Those days he was on vacations. He and other B.A.P’s members had free days before Saturday which B.A.P had a comeback stage. And that's why, Junhong couldn't sleep, there were too much going on his mind, mostly because Yongguk hyung was reintroduced to the group’s activities. The younger was very excited to perform side by side with his leader/hyung.

    Junhong stepped into the kitchen, he planned to make cocoa before trying to sleep again, to his surprise, the kitchen's lights were on and Yongguk was sitting at the table. Yongguk was focused on what he was doing and didn't realize Junhong's presence.

    The younger didn't make a noise to startle him, he just stayed quiet and stared at the older.

    Yongguk still had Wake Me Up's curly hair that made him look like a hot cute doll, Junhong couldn't help sighing.

    Yongguk was listening to some melodies through his phone and he wrote quickly on his notebook, and then he stopped and drank from the can of coffee and started all over again. He wrote as fast as if there were a thousand ideas running through his mind, but in the end he had nothing and ripped the scratched sheets, made them into balls and threw them towards the garbage like basketball.

    The balls of paper fell against the wall and floor, Himchan was going berserk when he found the mess.

    Junhong approached to his hyung and leant slowly to see the things he was writing, there were cluttered words with no sense at the first sight but the younger knew Yongguk was trying to write lyrics.

    Love. Fail. Fear. Hiding. Hope. Again. Begin. Hurt. Friendship. Lonely.

    To Junhong love, hope and friendship were ok, but the other words were kind of desperate and he wondered Bang Yongguk felt that way? Did his hyung feel like a fail, fearful, hiding, needing to do it again? Feeling like beginning again, feeling hurt and lonely kind of person?

    Yongguk still didn’t pay attention to the younger, he tore the sheet he was writing on and made it a ball and threw it, but this time didn't hit the wall or the ground. This time, the ball of paper hit Junhong, who in surprised, shouted startled. The older rapper looked at Junhong, with the same surprise and wondered how long he was being watched.

    “It's too late, why aren't you sleeping?” Yongguk said as he shut his notebook. He didn't want Junhong to see the random things he wrote.

    His therapist said it was good to write the feelings on paper, no matter if they were good or bad. Yongguk mostly wrote bad feelings. He wasn’t a sad-crazy-weirdo-psycho-emo, truth be told, he couldn't help feeling anxious over little pointless things, andanxiety became hyperactivity and hyperactivity became no sleeping and no sleeping became fatigue and fatigue became depression and depression became anxiety.

    It was a crappy circle he couldn’t escape from. B.A.P's members were his second family, they knew about his disorders and they understood it was something he couldn't control completely and didn't judge him, but Yongguk felt responsible for them, mostly for the maknae Junhong, he knew the younger admired him a lot.

    It wasn’t an ego thing; Yongguk knew that Zelo thought he was a great rapper, dancer, composer, idol, musician, hyung and even superhero. Because of that, Yongguk felt like the biggest loser and fail in the world for not being someone deserving of Zelo's admiration or respect. Really, Yongguk was chaos, he didn't deserve to be admired or respected, he was a bad role model to look up to.

    “It's too early.” Junhong said watching the clock on the wall, the sun was coming at any time.

    “It's still 3... 3:38 o'clock, why aren't you sleeping? You're gonna need it for the rehearsals and the comeback and promotions.”

    “I ask the same, why aren't you sleeping, hyung?”

    “I'm not sleepy.”

    “Of course, you aren't.” Junhong stared at the canned coffee.

    “Well, I was sleepy, but I had a lot of ideas for new songs, so I drank coffee to stay awake and write. I'm sleepy now though... I can't sleep because of the caffeine though...” Yongguk felt really crazy for contradicting himself.

    “I'm sleepy too, but I can't either.” Junhong walked to the stove. “I got up to make some cocoa like you used to make for me when I couldn't sleep.”

    “That’s a very long time ago.” Yongguk started playing with the empty coffee can, he grabbed the pull tab tightly and broke it and twisted it between his fingers.

    He got slightly cut, little blood from his thumb, but he felt nothing. He wasn’t suicidal, hell no, there were amazing things in his life, he was only tired and confused most of the time. He was worried about a lot of things too, but he couldn’t stop it.

    “I remember you making cocoa, but not letting me eat marshmallows because it were too much sugar and I wouldn’t sleep”.

    Junhong said and poured water in the cooking pot and placed the pot on the stove and heated it. Meanwhile Yongguk kept wandering in random futile thoughts.

    “Hyung, are you ok?” Junhong walked towards the mentioned.

    “Yepe, yes, of course I am.” he doubted and turned off the music, yet his ears still shook to the pace of his quick, fast, crazy heartbeats. “I just need some sleep, but I can't, I guess I shouldn’t have taken coffee.”

    “Himchan-ah said the doctor prescribed you sleeping pills.”

    “I already took them, but I guess my system is used to it and that's why it doesn't work anymore... To be honest, all the anxiolytics and stuff don't work as good as before... Although, I don't want to triple the doses...”

    “Hey, hyung, I'm sure you'll be ok in time.” Junhong placed his hand on Yongguk's and the older felt his warm.

    It wasn't hot or cold, it was just perfect like a summer; the sun hitting the sand, the sweet smell of the sea, suddenly, Yongguk thought Junhong as a sun shining through the darkest parts of his mind, maybe because the younger had blond hair again or maybe, he smiled so big to him that made his heart skip quickly and feel at easy at the same time.

    “I don't know what you're going through, maybe there's gonna be other drugs that work best for you or maybe you find some sports or hobbies, even a girlfriend. I'm sure you'll have only good thoughts. You’ll be easygoing soon; meanwhile I and the hyungs are for you.”

    Yongguk said nothing, Junhong repeated what his therapist always said, but unlike the therapist, Junhong made him feel better for real and his hand on his really calmed him down.

    “WE ARE BEST ABSOLUTE PERFECT after all, right?” Junhong said effusively.

    Yongguk replied by seizing Junhong's hand harder and badder.

    Junhong made a face; Yongguk’s grip was too strong like breaking his bones, but he relaxed gradually and started loving the feeling of his hyung’s hand holding his back with so much urge.

    For some unknown reason, Junhong wished kissing Yongguk’s hand, but that was an odd wish, so he held himself back and stayed holding hands for a while until the stove turned off with the hot cocoa spilling against its fire.

    “Oh man, if I burn down the house Himchan-ah will kill me.” Junhong jumped out of the chair to check the stove. He couldn't go too far, Yongguk was sitting like a rock and still holding his hand.

    “Uh..., hyung, I need to clean this up before Himchan hyung shows up and murders me.”

    Yongguk got up from the chair, without loosening Zelo’s grip; he used the free one to snatch a towel from the cupboard.

    “Hyung?” Junhong called in confusion.

    “This calms me down.” Yongguk said shaking his hand linked with the younger's.

    ”Uh?” Junhong didn't comprehend.

    Holding hands made Yongguk feel easy? It was because of the human contact or it was because of Junhong’s contact?

    The younger didn't ask; he was ok holding hands with Yongguk as much as he wanted to, as long as that made him feel less anxious and overthinking.

    “Can you lift that up?” Yongguk said about the pot and Junhong lifted it.

    Yongguk cleaned up the chocolate all over the stove, later he dropped the towel and took a mug and offered to Junhong.

    Junhong had the pot with the cocoa, so he served it. Yongguk felt its warm, but it wasn’t so good like the younger’s warm.

    “Mmm, I made more in case you had cravings.” Junhong pointed the lips at the leftover cocoa.

    “I’ll take some.” Yongguk got a second mug and Junhong emptied the cocoa inside.

    They sat down again, free hands holding the mugs while other hands holding each other tighter and stronger than before. It may look or sound uncomfortable, but not at all for them.

    They really liked holding hands. Yongguk needed meaning for everything otherwise he would start panicking for things he shouldn’t, but he didn't need meaning for having Zelo's hand in his.

    “Damn!” Junhong yelled at the mug as he placed it on the table. “It's hooooooooottttttt!”

    “Well, it's supposed to be hot.” Yongguk laughed as Junhong made a lot of frowning, cute, pouting faces.

    The blond looked at Yongguk, he should be mad at him for laughing at him, but he was happy instead, he was happy for hearing his hyung's laugh.

    Lately, Yongguk only laughed restlessly or apprehensively, but right now he was so natural and great, Junhong blushed and started laughing too.

They finished the cocoa and returned to their dorms; Yongguk’s room was the first in the hallway and Junhong's, the last. They were separated by Daehyun and Jongups' rooms.

    Junhong expected Yongguk to release his hand, after all, they were ready to get some sleep in their respective rooms, but the older kept holding his hand firmly.

    “May I ask you something?” Yongguk said, lowering his head.

    “Sure.”

    “I'm not a creep or anything... I... I'm... I am... really... I... feel easy holding hands with you... Sometimes I sleep and wake up because of the nightmares; the meds give very vivid ones... I wonder... if you want to… May you hold my hand until I fall asleep? I don't want to be needy, demanding or nuisance… Just leave when I fall asleep…”

    “No, hyung. I'm not gonna hold your hand until you sleep and then leave.” Junhong shook his head and Yongguk felt anxiety and fear and hurt chasing him. “I'm gonna hold your hand until you sleep and till you wake up, I won't release your hand, never. As long as you’re stress-free by this I’ll never let go.”

    Junhong, without letting Yongguk’s hand go, reached for the doorknob of the leader's bedroom and stepped in. He didn’t even turn on the lights; he just dragged the curly-haired man towards the bed. Junhong pushed Yongguk onto and dropped by his side and closed his eyes.

And that night, Yongguk slept pretty well, with no night terrors, always holding Junhong's hand. Choi Junhong was his safe place.

    And Junhong slept well too, like a shrimp, resting his head on Yongguk’s chest.

    They intertwined their fingers as if they meant to be only one hand.