Minhyuk leans against the fridge, he smacks his lips as he eats the last piece of pizza.

He has Jooheon on the phone.

For the third time that day.

"Any update over there?"

Jooheon snacks on a few chips. " He managed to get dressed."

"Really?"

"We were as surprised as you. But an hour ago he fell face first onto the sofa and since then hasn't moved. Sometimes he makes a few noises. Sounds like pain and agony to me. Changkyun thinks he is praying to Satan for salvation."

"Ouch."

" He's so much into your Kihyun it is getting ridiculous."

"I'm sorry to hear my boy is causing so much chaos. Even though I'm a bit proud.",

Minhyuk slowly nibbles on his pizza and keeps and eye on Kihyun at their sofa in the living room. " But you don't have to worry. I can understand now why he is acting the way he is. Tell Hoseok Kihyun will break soon and that he'll happily date from today onwards."

"You sure?"

"I know when my baby is in love. It's just--", he pushes the last bit of pizza into his mouth and a bit of tomato sauce of his finger. "-- a bit complicated for him. That's all."

"I want to know later. Make sure you tell me."

"I'll explain to you after Kihyun explains to Hoseok."

"You're sure he will?"

" If not I'll make him."

And with that Minhyuk hangs up.

 

 

OOO
 

 

Kihyun couldn't sleep well last night and he still feels so exhausted even though he managed to crawl over to the sofa a nap for a while.

"Ki-hyun-ie."

Minhyuk sings and pushes himself between the lying Kihyun and the backrest of the couch.

" What are you doing?"

"Internally screaming at myself because I'm an idiot."

"That we know already.", Minhyuk leans over him and fishes his mobile from the coffee table. " We can easily make you feel better by calling Hoseok."

Kihyuns eyes follow the swinging mobile in front of his face but he doesn't intend to take it.

"By now he is done with me either way. I'm pretty sure he took my advice for real and thought about everything and decided I'm not worth it."

Minhyuk pokes his shoulder. " My source told me he is a nervous wreck on the couch waiting for your call . Or a message. Or anything. I think by now he would be okay with smoke signs."

Kihyun groans and hides his face behind his hands. " I'm so stupid."

"Kihyun…", Minhyuk starts. " After what you told me about last night, I understand why you're acting like that. And I'm actually really proud because you're doing a lot better already. I remember your last date. You never contacted the guy again because you're too scared of the future. But now you keep going. Even if I'd prefer it happening in a literal way and out of the door."

"That guy was different."

" What was different?"

"That was just some guy.", Kihyun mutters behind his hands. " But this….is Hoseok we're talking about."

Minhyuk can't help but to smile brightly at his friend. He circles his arms around Kihyuns waist.

" You really do like him, don't you?"

For a moment, it is quiet but then Kihyun nods, his face still hidden behind his hands.

" A whole lot."

" Stop living in what if's, Kihyun.", Minhyuk says gently. " What if I get sick, what if it hurts him, what if it's too much. You can't predict that."

"I feel like I can."

"No. That's just--", Minhyuk pokes his temple. "-- your head making up things. Your sickness scared you a lot the past years, I know. But don't be scared of things that might never happen. What if you date himand soon it is over and you'll never get the far?"

Kihyun peeks at Minhyuk through his fingers. "The mere thought hurts a lot."

"What if you stay with him forever and your body works fine?"

" I know, Minhyuk. I know all of this. My brain just doesn't want to realize."

" I think Hoseok can help you out with that."

Kihyun grimaces. " What if I tell him and he doesn't want me anymore?"

"Then you clearly don't need that man. But come on.", Minhyuk pinches his cheek. " Hoseok is totally smitten by you. Everyone can see."

"He is?" Kihyun asks carefully.

Minhyuk chuckles. " Jooheon says Hoseok woke them all up in the middle of the night to discuss about what he did wrong for you not to like him. He said something about the usage of a white board andstatistics. Hoseok a good guy who likes you."

"He was perfect last night…"

"I just want to make you realize that he is a great guy that this early already cares deeply about you.", he nonchalantly looks at his fingers. " I guess many people notice."

Kihyun freezes next to him.

" You think… he is popular?"

"Kihyun. Please.", Minhyuk rolls his eyes. " You have eyes of your own."

"Oh god…", Kihyun sits up with a start. " Someone will steal him away…"

" That could possibly happen."

" No!"

Kihyun is gone from the couch and hurries over to his room.

Satisfied with the world and himself, Minhyuk leans back and turns on the TV.

" That was easy.", he pats his own shoulder. " You still got it in you."

 

OOO

 

Kihyun feels a whole new determination as he leaves the subway station close to Hoseoks apartment.

Yes.

He will go there and he will tell him.

And if Hoseok still wants him after the starting problems he will gladly stay with him.

Yes.

Yes…

His steps are getting slower and soon he stops altogether, the apartment building already in his view.

He swallows deeply.

All of sudden he is a nervous mess.

He is sure that he wants to go there and tell Hoseok and be with him… but how can he confess now? What can he say? Should he just kiss him? When was the last time he confessed to anyone…will the others listen? And what is he even wearing?

It is official.

Yoo Kihyun has a mental breakdown.

For a moment, he sits down on the pavement and plays with the mobile in his hands, letting his thoughts go wild.  

Then, on the spur of the moment, he calls Changkyun.

" Hyung?" The other answers after only a few seconds.

" You're home?"

"Yes. Why are you calling?"

" I wanted to talk to Hoseok but before th--"

"Oh my God ! Thank God! He'll talk!"

Kihyun has to hold the mobile a bit away from his ear. The sudden screams on the other end of the line are just too loud.

" Hyung! Why so late?!"

That must have been Jooheon.

"Ehm…"

"Tell Hoseok hyung to pull his head out of the oven!" Jooheon again.

"You are kidding, aren't you?" Kihyun slowly asks, not quiet sure if he wants to know the answer.

" Hyung! Stop it! You're scaring him!" Changkyun yells over the noise. Kihyun massages his temple. He really didn't want this to be for everyone to see and now the whole household seems to be on the plan.

"Changkyun? Can I talk to Hoseok for a moment?"

"Sure! Wait a second--"

But Kihyun doesn't have to wait that long because right that instant the other is on the phone.

" Hey."

Kihyun closes his eyes for a second, the edges of his lips slightly curling when he hears his pleasant voice. Hoseoks voice that is like medicine to him because he feels so much calmer already.

Why didn't he call him earlier?

Right… he was having a mental breakdown over that matter.

" Hey.", he quietly says. " I'm sorry for calling this late."

"No! It's fine." Hoseok gasps out.  

Kihyun notices the strain in his voice he tries to hide.

" You sound as nervous as I feel."

"Well…", Hoseoks responds slowly. " After what you said last night. I really wanted to stay calm but patience isn't my strong point so…" he stops, awkwardly laughing at the end. Kihyun hears the closing of a door.

He must have left for his room.

" There is no need to be nervous."

"Of course there is…", Hoseoks words are almost a mutter. " What if you decided against me? I was worrying all day long about what I did wrong last night. You said you were okay with the things I confessed but after I left... I wasn't sure anymore."

"You did nothing wrong. It was me."

"You?"

"Yes."

Kihyun is getting cold on the ground but he doesn't want to get up.

" I knew what I wanted from the beginning but then I just freaked out and tried…", he swallows deeply, a sensation of insecurity and fear in his chest because he is talking about his feelings so openly. "… and tried to push you away even though…"

He runs his hand over his face, sure about nothing anymore.

" I'll call you back."

"Ki--"

And he hangs up.

For a moment he just looks at the phone in his hands, head as empty as Minhyuks piggy bank. Then he starts to hit it against his head, cursing at himself in the process.

"Okay. Kihyun. That was stupid. You need to call back."

He takes in a deep breath, tipping in Changkyuns number again.

Only a second later, Hoseok answers the call.

" Are you okay?" he asks quick like a shot.

Kihyun grimaces.  "Sorry. My finger acted faster than my brain."

"So you are okay?"

"Yes... if you ignore that I'm an idiot. Like... Seriously." He tries to laugh it off but the laughter soon gets stuck in his throat.

" What did you want to say?"

"  I have to tell you about some things."

"Then how about just telling me?" Hoseok offers and Kihyun thinks that he is so wrong and actually has the patience of a saint.

His mouth feels dry, his heart beating far too fast.

" What do you want to tell me, Kihyun?" Hoseok asks once again, and there is something in his voice, a hidden knowing, a small hope that he already knows what will be revealed now.

" I…"

"Yes?"

" I called you to say… well, actually I came out to tell you."

"You came here?"

Kihyun wants to answer but nothing comes out. He cannot just tell it on the phone. He came over especially for that. He needs to tell Hoseok in person.

He feels the rising fear.

So Kihyun does the only right thing and hangs up again.

"Ahhhhhh! You ing idiot!"

He buries his face in his hands about to throw is mobile on the street in hope the next car drives over it.

He gets back on his feet, walking up and down in a hurry and people start to stare at the strange man having a monologue in the middle of town.

Kihyun kicks a pebble stone out of his way.

It is not rocket science…

It is a totally normal thing he did before.

I.
Like.
You.

I want to get to know you even more. I feel good when I'm with you., if you still want me after what I'm going to tell you now, I'll be happy to be your boyfriend.

But this feels so different.

Hoseok makes everything feel different because he already is so important to Kihyun. He can't mess up.

Kihyun scoffs at nothing.

Who is he trying to kid?

Even he didn't things up before he clearly did now.

His mobile vibrates and he almost let's it fall when he checks the caller ID too fast.

It's Minhyuk.

"He-" Kihyun wants to greet him but Minhyuk cuts him off.

" I swear to God Kihyun stop driving the poor boy crazy! Why is he calling me telling that you keep hanging up! For s sake get your balls back or out or whatever, get your over to this cutie and tell him you like him back! The poor boy really doesn't deserve his current mental breakdown! Don't you dare coming back home without having told him! Bye!"

"Min-"

But his friend already hang up.

Kihyun sniffs.

The night air is a bit cold and Minhyuks words let a shiver run down his back. The thought of coming home to an angry Minhyuk...

Nothing he wants to see until the end.

 

 

OOO

 

 

Jooheon eyes him from head to toe and Kihyun nervously trips from one feet to the other in front of the door.

" We were so happy we got Hyung to leave the couch."

"Sorry?"

"Now he's lying under the table."

Kihyun feels like the worst person ever.

Jooheon pats his shoulder. " It's fine. Hyung has always been too emotional for his own good. Come in."

He softly pushes him in.

Kihyun leaves his shoes next to the door and slowly makes his way over to the living room. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jooheon motioning for the others to follow him into his room. Changkyun touches his shoulder for a short moment as he passes by, just like Hyungwon does.

Quietly they close the door and it is quiet around Kihyun.

Well, not that quiet.

"Oh god… kill me right here and now…" Hoseoks muffled voice reaches his ear.

There.

Two legs peek out from under the table.

"Jooheon!"

Kihyun keeps quiet.

"Jooheonah! Make hyung ramyun!" he whines.

Kihyun crouches down where he is standing.

" Hoseok?"

A hitch catches Hoseok and... bang.

He cries out in pain.

"Are you okay?" Kihyun hurries over to the table where Hoseok slowly pushes himself out form under the table. He holds his forehead, but all of his attention is on Kihyun.

" You're here?"

"Yes."

"You hang up on me twice..."

"I know… I'm sorry.", Kihyun looks to the ground in shame. " I don't work well under pressure. I really feel terrible for it."

" It's okay. You came here." Hoseok objects. He still rubs his head that must hurt like hell. Kihyun, with his caring personality, wants to reach out for the aching spot but Hoseok only slightly shrinks back and hishand stops midway.

" Sorry…"

Hoseoks eyes widen, he sits up, his hands reaching for Kihyun but keeping some distance between them. " No! Don't think I don't want to… but...", he sinks back on his knees, his hands moving to undergird his words.  " If you're here to tell me well never end up together I prefer not being touched by you. Because.. I guess it would feel nice."

He smiles his half smile, a sadness in his eyes that hurts Kihyun. He doesn't want to see that in Hoseoks eyes.

He swallows heavily, averting his gaze to the ground.

" I'm not here… to do that though."

The words linger in the room between them and even Hoseok, who always talks when Kihyun can't, seems speechless for a second.

" I tried to push you away even though I clearly want the difference.", Kihyun continues, feeling how his face heats up. " I do like you a lot."

"Then why do you seem so nervous?" Hoseok questions quietly.

Kihyun looks at his clasped hands in his lap.

"I… got worried after… you told me about your Mom."

Hoseok pricks up his ears. " My mom? What does it have to do with us?"

" Her cancer… I…", Kihyun tries to find the right words. " I was worried, you would have to go through the same thing with me."

Hoseoks eyes widen only the slightest but Kihyun nevertheless notices.

" What do you mean?"

"It's not just diabetes."

" Not just diabetes?"

" I have something called nephropathy."

Is it him or does Hoseok slightly pale.

" That means?"

" My diabetes affected my kidneys and they're not working the way they should.", Kihyun doesn't want to confuse him with too much at once. " I'm not going too much into detail because it's complicated. The thing is that in the worst case my kidneys will fail in and I need to undergo dialyse. Or get a transplant, which altogether means hospital and medicine and...yes..."

"In the worst case?"

"Yeah… still it is not sure I'll get it. I'm close but it is not 100 percent sure. I…", Kihyun wants to look at anything, just not Hoseok. " Minhyuk always tells me I live too far in the future and in what if's and he is right like an awful lot of times. But… getting to know about your mother and that you suffered while staying by her side.… of course, I don't want to compare our situations because that was cancer and this is… just a kidney… but I've been scared of it for a long time. So… it is a big issue for me. And to think there is the possibility I could pull you into this… I just panicked."

He looks to the ground, feeling so ashamed all of sudden.

Speaking openly about it made everything seem so small and unnecessary all of sudden. How could he make such a drama out if it?

" So… the worst case is a kidney failure? But it isn't even sure you'll reach that stage?"

"Yes.", Kihyun nods slowly. " I understand if you don't want to--"

" Kihyun…" Hoseok exhales.

First, Kihyun doesn't register what is happening then. His brain only starts working a bit later when he is already in Hoseoks embrace, warm, perfectly comfortable and feeling the safest he has in a long time.

" Don't do this to me.", Hoseok whines quietly, close to Kihyuns ear. " I thought you're dying on me like my mother did."

"I'm not…"

"How could I know when you talk like this?!", Hoseok gently pushes him away, his hands cupping his face. " I got so worried for a second! And this whole night I thought you were scared of me..."
Kihyun doesn't know what to say.

" I'm sorry…I'm not..."

He already apologised a lot today.

One or two more don't matter.

" You idiot."

Hoseok pulls him back into his arms. Kihyun feels his fingers gently his hair.

" That was the reason you told me to think it through?"

"Yes…"

"Nothing else?"

" No."

" It is not my past? It is not me?"

Kihyun shakes his head and slowly his body reacts. He responds to the embrace, slowly hugging Hoseok back.

It feels nicer than he imagined.

" Minhyuk was right. You stupid stupid idiot.", Hoseok gently rocks him back and forth. " Of course it is horrible and I feel so worried and sad and I don't want you to experience it… but just because my mother died doesn't mean something like that can keep me from you."

His words hit Kihyun right in the chest and he has to try hard not to break out into tears that moment.

Out of so much content.

Everything he imagined Hoseok could say… nothing could have been better.

" You… still want me after… today?"

Hoseok releases him and keeps Kihyuns hands in his.

" That's why you were so scared of talking to me?"

" I should have told you earlier."

"Kihyun… believe me when I say this changes nothing. Nothing at all. Come on, look at me.", Hoseok gently lifts his head, a loving smile on his face and his gaze finally meets Kihyuns.

" Nothing, nothing at all. So…"

"So?"

"So… if this was the only reason keeping you from me in your head.", he affectionately taps Kihyuns forehead with his fist. " Then I'd be really happy if you'd say yes to being my boyfriend."

The tears start to fall the moment the other door opens and Jooheon and Changkyun roll into the living room.

" You made him cry, hyung!" Changkyun yells and points accusingly at Hoseok.

He doesn't even notice because as soon as Kihyun starts crying he turns into a pillar of salt, his hands reaching out for Kihyun but not touching him.

" Why are you crying?!"

" I can't stop..." Kihyun brings out between two sobs and covers his eyes with his arms.

" Do something, hyung!" Jooheon yells, keeping a fair distance between himself and Kihyun because he honestly doesn't know how to handle crying people, boy or girl likewise

" What do I do?!", Hoseoks head turns between them and Kihyun, his arms still midair.

" Kihyun… hey."

" Of course, Hoseok…"

"What of course?! What Kihyun? Does something hurt?!"

"Of course I say yes."

"Ahhh… Kihyun…", without further ado Hoseok hugs him again, rocking him back and forth between helplessly laughing and not knowing what to do. " You'll be my end. Don't cry."

"I was so stressed all day…" Kihyun presses out between two sobs.

"Shh… I know…", he kisses Kihyuns temple and cheeks, still not managing to calm the other down.

"It's okay.. sshh… just cry. It's fine."

Kihyun hides his face in Hoseoks neck and keeps sobbing for a little while longer.

Because he is so happy and finally the knot in his stomach disappears.

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

The soft rocking of the subway, the exhaustion, the crying and the relief slowly lull Kihyun into a deep slumber.

His head lolls to the side and rests against Hoseoks shoulder. The blonde smiles down at him, his fingers softly a few strands of hair away so he can see the others sleeping face.

Jooheon, sitting across from them in the almost empty subway rolls his eyes.

" I'm torn between being so jealous because both of you are cute as and being annoyed because you already look at as if he's the Mona Lisa."

Hoseok just beams at him, too happy to even care.

"You could have stayed home."

" You could have taken the car."

" I wanted to spend more time with him... who knew he'd fall asleep as soon as we got inside the train."

Jooheon shakes his head, but there is understanding in his warm gaze.

" Anyways. It's too late and you still shouldn't go out alone at night.", he rests the back of his head against the window.  " We're going to give Kihyun a drawer in your wardrobe so he can sleep over next time."
With that he closes his eyes and leaves Hoseok alone with his thoughts.

He carefully takes Kihyuns hand in his and smiles warmly down  at him. He looks at the contrast of their entangled fingers. Kihyuns are a bit shorter and his skin a bit darker than Hoseoks but that is fairly easy since everyone tells Hoseok he is paler than Hyungwons favourite vanilla cream.

His gaze wanders up until it reaches Kihyuns features again.

The narrow nose, rosy lips, eyelashes slightly longer than his.

The hardly noticeable shadows under his eyes he can only see that close, and he now understands where they come from.

So beautiful to Hoseok in all of his imperfection and he can't figure out how he deserves this happiness. He leans over and presses a soft kiss to Kihyuns head, taking in the feeling of the closeness, only getting more intensive in the silence of the subway.

" It's alright, hyung."

Hoseok looks over to him when Jooheon quietly speaks to him.

" It's okay.", the younger repeats. " We'll look out for you, so don't worry."