CHAPTER 16

After the disastrous party I meet Kyuhyun at a classy, old-school restaurant and bar, for a nightcap. After I park my car I realize I am literally running down the sidewalk for the front door. All the angst melts away the second my eyes touch him…I could not be more relieved to be seeing him. I am immediately entranced by how at home he looks in such a well-designed space: his arms look especially toned under his tattoos, his flannel shirt is hanging off his frame like he’s a mannequin, and his lips are pink and wet. Once we’re in the darkness of a booth beside the bar, I kiss those lips immediately. And as I do, my heart beats at a rhythm I’ve never felt before, and I know with certainty that this, this is the life I want. I want Kyuhyun, in beautiful restaurants and stately old public parks, in shopping malls and gay bars and dark bedrooms, in countless other places we will visit together, forever, in heaven and in hell. This is what I want. This is what I need. No more back-and-forth. I am his now.

“You just kissed me in public.” - he says, somewhere between confused and elated. More elated, though.

I blush.

“So what, this is probably the gayest restaurant in Seoul. And plus, I couldn’t resist. You are so beautiful it makes my chest hurt.”

“Wow” - he says, his face expressionless.

“What?”

“It’s just that I didn’t think I could ever like you any more, but I just did. It just became more.”

“Aw. You’re my more, too.”

Finally he leans away.

“So, straight guy - he laughs after we order - My straight Siwon. What does this mean? Are we together? For real? Finally?”

I swallow and put my napkin in my lap.

“I guess?”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you take up all the space inside me, and I’m with you right now, and I want to be with you as often as possible, maybe forever.”

He deliberates for a moment, then finally a smile breaks through.

“Forever. That can be arranged.”

“Good - I lean in - Oh, and also?”

“Yeah?”

“My isn’t sore anymore, and I’m craving you again already. Can you me again tonight?”

His smile fades into a smirk.

“That can also be arranged.”

That week we get some time off for autumn break. Kyuhyun tells me he has to go to Jeju Island for a group project, a ritzy resort on the coast.

“Oh - I say as he packs some clothes, dejected - Okay. I’ll miss you, I guess. It’s cool, I probably needed a day to hang out around the house, anyway.”

“Huh? - he asks, looking up - You’re coming, right?”

“Oh. I mean, I guess.”

And that’s when I realize I don’t even need alone time anymore…being around him is like alone time. He’s like me, just better.

The trip is uneventful, except for when I push him into a closet and hook up with him. But a few hours later I get lost in the maze of the resort without cell service, and soon I just get the weirdest sense that he’s in a certain hallway off the main lobby…I can’t explain it, I just feel sure that’s where he is. I find him there. I was drawn there on energy alone…are we really becoming that close? How can you explain any of this? How could anyone?

At the end of the break I do the gayest thing I’ve done yet: with a few phone calls, I pull some strings at my dad’s company and secure a box at the Beyoncé concert in Seoul. Kyuhyun and I pool our money to rent everyone a limo, and when his friends show up for the pickup at my place, they’re all dressed as different eras of Beyoncé.

Queen Bey opens with Crazy in Love, and as the lights dance across our seats, I turn to Kyuhyun, whose face is shining like a disco ball.

“My disco kid.” - I whisper, smiling at him.

His face makes me realize how truly, deeply happy I am in this moment, and then I see the vast expanse of my old life before him echoing out behind me and I am visited by a strange thought: how many people ever get to be happy? Honestly, truly happy? How many people get to rush out of bed in the morning instead of lingering and dreading the day; how many people get to run to someone they love and look into their eyes and feel like they are being flung off a waterfall? His love is such a gift. Then I get a sensation in my face that tells me we’re lucky…we’re so lucky. Everyone searches for this, but somehow we found it. We are building a miracle together, and we have to protect it. We must keep it safe.

“What?” - he calls over the music.

“Nothing. Just hold my hand, please.”

I hold mine out for him, and he takes it. He doesn’t let go until the encore, and even then, it is reluctantly.

On the way home, Kyu falls asleep…and he’s the most adorable sleeping angel I’ve ever seen. The way he’s slightly smiling, the way his head is resting in my lap…it makes me want to take him home and keep forever, like a toy or something. His friend Suho seems to notice my reaction, and he scoots a bit closer on the seat.

“So - he says, his brown eyes shining - You and Kyuhyun…you’re a thing now, right?”

I throw a falsely-shocked look down at his head in my lap.

“Gee, how ever did you know?”

Suho laughs.

“Seriously, though, how did it happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well I had a class with you once, and I figured you were…well, straight. Or the kind of ‘straight’ that will never, ever come out as biual, at least, if you get my drift.”

I smile, then sigh.

“Well, the thing is...it’s a long story, actually. Before Kyuhyun, I actually was straight…I had never been interested in a guy in my life. No , no secret ho