CHAPTER FIFTEEN

He grabs his phone.

“Where are we going?” - I ask.

“To see one of my gay friends, Riz…he’s a barista. Come on.”

I follow him down the stairs, stepping so carefully I don’t make a sound. As we walk down my street, I feel myself sort of stretch a little, and it becomes more comfortable. Thankfully the coffee shop is the one closest to my house, I am completely silent during the introduction, just trying not to let my eyes roll back into my head. I’m sure I probably seem like a psycho to his friend, but I’m too distracted to care. Finally, Kyuhyun decides he’s ready after about ten minutes of chatter.

“Thank God” - I whisper as we hit the square again.

“What? Riz’s nice. I had to hear about his new Tinder boyfriend.”

“That has nothing to do with my current situation.”

Kyu smiles, looking more than pleased with himself.

“Last time you’ll meet up with your ex, that’s for sure.”

“Whatever. Yeah, he was nice, though. Seems like all of your friends I’ve met so far have worked at Starbucks, actually…”

“Yeah, and? A lot of my friends are scared to even put themselves out there in any other way.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighs, his dominant mood starting to fade.

“Here’s the thing. Some of the more femme guys I know…they can’t even really work in a place like Seoul. It’s a really weird place in that it’s a little dot of blue in a big sea of red. We have an arts school and a few gay bars, sure, but we’re surrounded by…”

“Rural Seoul” - I cut in.

“Exactly. So you think Miss Famous is going to thrive in an office environment in Seoul? Hell no. She’d be shunned. So the ones who can afford to leave, they get out. The ones who can’t, they try to stay here and get by, but they usually just end up being bartenders or artists or something. They’re subjugated and kept on the bottom. Not many other businesses are hospitable to them.”

I have to admit he’s right. I’d never even thought about it like that…that someone’s identity could be so wrapped up in their life trajectory, it could determine something like that.

We cross the street. Because I am me, the unluckiest person alive, we pass Kangin in the last square before my house. Kyu doesn’t know Kangin, but Kangin knows Kyuhyun…everyone knows about Kyu. I pretend I don’t see Kangin, but in my peripheral vision I notice him give me a weird…but not unpleasant…look and then glance past, rolling his eyes a little. I wonder if he suspects that I’ve got a up my …

“What are you giggling at?” - Kyuhyun asks.

“Oh, nothing.”

“Whatever. How does it feel?”

“The fresh autumn air? Fabulous.”

“Don’t get smart with me. I meant the toy. And by the way, you just said ‘fabulous.’ Maybe your gay lessons are paying off.”

I stop, finally enjoying that full feeling down there. But I want to feel more of it. I want to show him how much I like him.

And, I suddenly decide, I want to solidify our bond even more.

“What’s that look on your face for?” - he asks.

“Nothing. Hey, I know you have class today, but can you come over tonight? For a special surprise?”

“Um…sure.”

The walk home is a blur. He pushes me up against my bed and slowly pulls out the plug, and suddenly I feel empty, like I need him to fill me up again. But that will be taken care of very soon.

Once he’s gone, I settle at my computer. I can’t deny that the time has come for me to have with him, but I have no idea where to begin. So I take a quick breath and type one question into the chat room’s text box:

So. How does a guy have for the very first time?

The answers come fast and furious.

Oh, I’m so glad you asked, one guy says. I was waiting, actually. So here’s the thing: it’s hard the first time if you’re not ready. The back door is a muscle, and it needs to be stretched.

I hold my breath and begin typing. Okay, thanks. What does the first time feel like, anyway?

Hmm. Sort of like taking a poo, but in reverse, and in the best way possible. It’s incredibly satisfying. Just…ugh, you just have to experience it, otherwise none of this will make sense. But you need to know some stuff first.

Okay, keep going, I say.

First you’re going to have to get a toy. I’ll send you a link to my favorite. Trying without preparing first is like trying to shove a tear through a keyhole…you need to loosen up.

He sends me a link to a toy that looks like a clear banana. I order it from Amazon’s one-hour delivery service and feel something jolt through me.

Next, you’re gonna want to…clean yourself up, he says. You usually need to wash things out beforehand, so you don’t have to worry.

He sends a link to that, too, which I order in time to bundle with the other delivery.

Basically, you have to yourself, he says. Then he’ll be able to get in there. Just relax, lie back, and don’t think about it. Girls do it with their men all the time, and it’s not taboo at all with them.

What if I don’t like it?

Hmm. That happens, but rarely. Personally I think it’s the best feeling in the world. It brings you together with your partner like nothing else can. But watch out for the change in dynamics it can bring.

Huh? I ask.

can switch the roles. It can make you lose your standing in the relationship. Getting banged releases internal butterflies and hearts and flowers like crazy, and it can make you feel helpless and needy and dependent. Be careful not to let that happen.

Gotcha, I say. And…thanks for all this. I think I can do it.

I think you can, too. Just take a breath, close your eyes, and relax.

The toy comes from Amazon before five. I take the into the bathroom, and it’s bigger than I expected…so I have to rub a bar of soap on there before I put it at my entrance. Then the hard part comes. It takes me several tries to get it in there, but once I do, I’ve ed in barely a minute. Whoa. Maybe I really will love this…

The cleaning isn’t as bad as I thought, either. When I meet Kyuhyun on my porch that evening with a drink already made, he looks suspicious.

“Hey. What’s this?”

“It’s just something for tonight.”

“Okay. What’s tonight?”

I smile.

“I want to have with you…but this time, I want to be on the bottom.”

His lips part.

“You’re kidding. Our lessons aren’t done, and you’ve barely even learned how to be on top, and…”

“Well I taught myself online - I leer at him, his brown hair gleaming in the autumn light - I like you, and I want you in me, Kyu.”

Those brown doe eyes catch fire.

“Wow. That was the hottest thing I’ve heard in a while - He steps forward, his eyes darkening - And in that case, I can’t wait to be inside you.”

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