When I got inside my unit, I smiled like crazy and jumped because my legs wanted to. And maybe my brain wanted, too. Though I’m trying so hard to deny it, I liked it. That was the craziest five minutes in my life so far. But I remembered my boyfriend waiting for me downstairs so I hurried to go pick up some clothes, my laptop and a couple of other necessities. When I was done, I hurried down the hall to the parking lot. I tried to calm myself before walking to his car. I need to look composed. What if he suspects me? Not that I’m doing anything wrong but…

I went inside the car and smiled at him.

“Let’s go?” He asked. I nodded and smiled again.

“You look happy.”

See, this is the problem when people have been in a relationship for a long time already. No matter how hard you two try to hide things from each other, you just won’t succeed because they know your every mood and every type of voice or breath you make.

“I’m just excited that I’m spending the night at you house.” I looked at him and smiled again. I’ve been giving fake smiles and I lied again, for the nth time these past few days.

“That’s good. I am too.” He said as he held my left hand.

“You do know that it’s not safe to drive with just one hand, right?”

“Yes, sir.” He grinned, not looking at me.

“And? You’re still doing it?” I asked and tried to get away from his grip but he held my hand tighter and kissed it.

I felt so guilty that my heart couldn’t calm down just when seeing Joshua earlier but it’s so calm with Seungcheol kissing my hand right now.

“Just let me. I missed this.” He finally looked at me and smiled. I couldn’t do anything but smile back. Though, I know it’s a fake one, he deserved more than any of this.

When we arrived at his house, he quickly opened the car’s door for me and helped me bring my stuff. Sometimes I’m asking the gods above what I did in my past lives to deserve this man in my life right now. I absolutely don’t deserve him but he’s here for me. I sighed at the thought and just went inside his house.

“Go sit, I’ll make food. Let's eat again.” He said.

“Heol. We’re here and you don’t have food yet? We should’ve just ordered or bought some take out from earlier.” I joked.

“Hey. Don’t you miss my cooking?” He asked.

I stopped and stayed quiet. I suddenly remembered Joshua’s cooking, it wasn’t the best but it tasted so good.

“Jeong-ah?”

“Oh?”

“I guess you don’t miss my cooking, huh.” He sighed.

“I do! I do! Don’t sulk I’m going to slap you.” I rolled my eyes.

He came up to me and hugged me from the back before kissing my shoulder.

“I miss you. So much.” He whispered.

And that is when my indecisive heart betrayed me. It started jumping all over the place for him and suddenly it felt so right again. Seungcheol hugging me, kissing me, saying these things, it felt right, again.

I turned around to face him before squishing his face. “You need to cook, mister. I’m hungry again.”

“Well, I’m here?” He winked.

Ah, he and his corny pick-up lines.

“CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY FOOD?!” I laughed. Genuine this time. And this scenario makes me want to confess everything to him but I don’t want to ruin it. It’s our night tonight and I want us to be happy. I don’t want my negative thoughts right now.

He nodded and went to the kitchen and I went to sit on his couch and opened my laptop to look at the designs I made. Seriously, I did great, didn’t I?

Joshua, a great companion.

He really is.

Before I could even start thinking about him again, I closed my laptop and went to the kitchen to watch Seungcheol cooking. I sat in front of the counter and stared at him.

“Why are you here? You’re going to help?”

“As if. Tonight, I’m just going to rest.”

“I won’t let you.” He looked at me and winked again.

Seriously if this man doesn’t calm the down, I won’t be able to control my hormones.

“Seriously, if you don’t stop, I’ll go home.” I glared at him and he just smiled and continued cooking. Seriously, I’m getting good at lying these days. As if I’ll go home. I’ll probably give my whole self to him.

Jeonghan, no.

Okay, not that I’m acting like Jane the who wants to stay a until marriage but still, I want to do it with someone I’m sure with. And just with the decisions I made, like, not moving in with him, I know that I’m still not sure with him even after all these years we’ve been together. It’s seriously hard to be me. I’m not even sure with someone like him who’s everything beyond perfect.

I stared at his back. Even his back is perfect. A handsome guy with a stable job which pays so much, has his own house and his own car, is very positive with life, has a personality that every mom would like. I mean, what more am I looking for? What more am I asking for?

He turned around and saw me staring at him and he stole a quick kiss.

“Ya!” I shouted.

“Why?” He smiled again. A big smile. Like a kid who won a lollipop.

“That’s not fair.” I said.

“Then, you want to steal one too?” He grinned and moved his face near mine.

“No thank you.” I slapped him gently and went to the the living room.

Seriously. He needs to stop doing that, my heart keeps shaking.

When we finished eating, I took a shower and got ready for bed. I waited for him to finish showering and we decided to watch a movie, which I’m pretty sure will just be our sleeping pill.

While the movie was playing, he started to talk.

“These days, we haven’t been talking and seeing each other as much as before.”

“Well, we were both busy.”

“You’re busy.”

“Well, sorry.” I snorted.

He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer.

“It’s just that I miss you.”

“I do too.”

And for the first time, I thought I meant it.

Maybe I do miss him, after all. Maybe I was just having a hard time these past few days, thinking about moving in with him, thinking he might leave me when I reject him, or maybe I just miss this familiar feeling. I don’t really know. He fell asleep halfway through the movie but I decided to keep watching which I regret after because I didn’t really watch, I just overthink.

I cried and thought, “What if this I’m just staying with him because of the familiarity?”

And after such a long time, I felt that I was finally true to myself again with that thought in mind.

I cried and cried very quietly that it made a mess on his shirt. I didn’t know when I fell asleep but I’m sure I did while hugging him tightly.