I'm trapped in the "circle of life" as they say.

Just like everyone else on this planet.

Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning, just to force yourself out of bed, go to school, work or even nowhere? Because you have nowhere to go anymore..

Talking about being a "zombie" and not having ANY chance to change on that fact.

If your answer was yes.

Welcome to the club.

I'm sick of college! I'm sick of the kind of people surrounding me! Sick of my unsupportive family and two faced "friends"! I am sick. of. my. LIFE!!

Because I don't actually have one...

*sights*
I might have cut too much into the middle of this.

I swear I can be the kindest person you'll ever meet, I might also have the cringiest jokes ever and am lazy, but right now.. I'm just so brainwashed with all the expectations not only society, but even my parents put on me.. and of course,, myself. I lost me. The me that I was back then. And I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm Yeon. I was born in Chungju, Korea. I have a little brother and a little sister, mom and dad. We.. were a family back then. After I turned 8, we've moved to Daegu, where I attended school.

It was all so perfect. We seemed to be so happy. I was for sure. I had friends, I had the best grades, ambitous dreams and a great family.. Then my parents decided to move overseas. Financial and educational reasons they said.

And it was the day my liife started to crumble and fall apart.

As of now..
Divorced parents. Tick. 

No friends. Tick. 

Bullies. Tick.

Not a single trace of my life. Tick.

And I could go on for more..

I know well that life is not easy and it can get really tough sometimes, for some more than others. 

But my situation. In my "life" that I'm stuck with.. is the worst I could possible be in right now. For me. It's a prison without a door or a window. Trapped in darkness. And there's just no escape.

After divorce we almost never saw dad. Or talked to him. He wasn't even allowed to visit for a long time. My mom doesn't care about us and spends money on everything, but her children. Her own blood. She changed. So much. It breaks my heart to remember who she used to be before. She's my mom, yet I feel like she's a stranger. I often wonder what I did wrong that she changed. It keeps me up at night.

She has been together with a man ,quit job. And I am angry. Angry because of this man, she forgot about us. 

She says, she doesn't like when "society wants to tell her when to celebrate". So we barely celebrate anything anymore. Every Christmas seems deader and deader. Every Easter is getting more and more gray. And birthdays are forgotten too, slowly. Yet she wants another kid. Like she can take care of the ones she have.

I never go out, partially my bad and partially.. I don't know. I just don't fit in. Everyone is ditching me all the time. Not that mom would allow it anyways. I rarely go out, and I mean out of my room. I feel depressed of this place just looking out the window. Can't even step in the living room without getting death stares from that man. I'm often reminded that even my sol precence is a mistake. And I often believe it too..

I never dated anyone. Nobody asked me. And rejection after rejection I got tired. Really. I just lost connection with society ,but even more so.. I've never really had one.

Can I blame those guys? Maybe, maybe not. I am fat and ugly. That's my first impression of me every morning and every night. I hate to shower. I hate to look at myself. This is not me. That's what I keep telling myself. Maybe I'm just underneath. Deep down, drowning alone.

I have no plans. I just don't wanna stay here. I guess that's a plan after all. Just getting out of here..

My sister is the only thing that keeps me from running away from home. I don't know how much longer I can take this.. I-I don't think.. for long..
It sounds like nothing. Just problems. Just complaining. But it's always so much harder when you're put in the position of all of those problems and complaints. Feels like the middle of the ocean without a life vest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*annoying alarm ring ring ring ring* //SLAASSH!!! 

"*sight* Are you kidding me?"

I murmured then forced myself out of my bed "Right, college."

I still have a few months until I get my degree. I wanted to quit badly, but for my sister's asking I'll finish it properly. I'm surprised how many things she talks me on to do. Sometimes acts like a mother. But I know that she always means well.

As I got changed I headed to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. After I spit I looked up in the mirror and wiped the foam off my mouth.

"Why are you so ugly?" I questioned my reflection "Aiissh, who am I even talking to?"

I had many expectations about my body and personality. If I felt like I didn't do something right ,I punished myself. Not into physical harm anymore. But mental harm could just be as bad, if not worse. I have even more expectations about myself than society's and my parents' combined. I know.. it's not okay to hate myself, but I feel so uncomfortable, so disgusted in my own body. And it's not like I can just take the fat off at the end of the day like it's piece of clothing item. It's ing grown to me. And it feels like I never get anywhere trying to change that.. This is not me. This is not the same person I looked at years back. 

This is the person I got stuck with.

I grabbed my bag ready to head out the door.

"Where are you going? Aren't you going to say goodbye? And did you even have a shower?" Mom poured her questions on me
"College, bye and no.." I turned around smiling sarcastically "..I did not have a shower." Then I murmured under my breath

I hate to shower..

I see myself when I do.

"How unrespectful." My mom's guy ,Greg murmured loudly while eating his breakfast
"Pfftt.." I turned around to go
"You need to learn to sort yourself out or otherwise you're never going to get anywhere in life" She said
"Huh?!" I turned back at her hurtful words. She's the one talking?..
//"Unnie!" my sister suddenly hugged me from behind. Totally snapping me out of it I smiled.

She always knows how to calm my nerves. And get involved with things.

"Don't forget to smile.. and stay strong" She whispered
" 'Kay sis.." I smiled then sighted.. "Wait!" I snapped out of it again " What's the time again?" I turned around asking
"8:10" She said
"WHAT?! Aiiissh.. " I grabbed my stuff quickly and ran like a cheetah to get the bus in time

Like I can't wait to get to college. Aisshh.. *dead*

~ ~ ~ ~

I spent break times alone as usual. Even if not physically, but sure mentally.

Watching Kpop videos and checking my Instagram every 2 seconds gives me SOME motivation. No lunch tho, as usual.
*belly grumble*

"Ssshhh.. I'll just eat when I get home. Hold on just a little bit." I murmured to my tummy

I didn't really have friends since moving. At all. It's not that I don't want to have friends, but more like I don't want friends like these. And they don't seem to want me either. I don't know why people don't get me, but I definitely know why I don't get them.

Drinking, partying and neither is on my list to dos. All that kind of stuff is on theirs.

I just don't fit in.

I don't feel left out, but I'd be happy to talk to someone about something normal for once..

What happened that I ended up here? What did I do wrong?

Karma? Is that you??? 

~ ~ ~ ~

Now the bus ride for another hour to get home.

I always listen to songs on the way. Weird or not, but I dance to them in my head. Fantasize of being on stage. Dancing, singing.. seeing my friends again.. *sight*

But that's not realistic, is it?

Maybe mom is right. I should stay at least realistic to be someone. No place for dreams.

I don't know. I've just been dancing a lot lately. I go down to the living room ,every night after everyone goes to sleep, just to dance. In the dark. For hours. It helps me ease the stress. Thinking about it. I feel like this is the only thing I enjoy. Since moving.. I don't like to sing anymore.. and my depression got worse day by day.. and same goes for my relationship with my family. So now.. the only time I can feel like myself again is when I dance, even if I'm stronger as a vocalist.

Old me. I'm sorry for giving up singing. But I just can't. No sound of melody wants to come out of my mouth.

~ ~ ~ ~

"I'm home" I stepped inside and took my sneakers off
"What are you guys gonna eat today?" Mom asked

What?! She didn't make us food again? Great. Now, this as well. I've been cooking, washing up, doing laundry for a year now. Not exactly what I should spend my time on as a young teeneger.

"I don't know. Rice soup." I said with dissapointment going up the stairs

Rice soup is a meal that my sister created. It's really easy to make so we make it often. And she makes it taste delicious!

I can't really cook nor I have much time for that because of studies and college. So sometimes she cooks. And she's actually better than me. .

We've been eating smaller amounts lately due to lack of food. I always let my sister have more to have energy doing her best in school. So I usually go to sleep hungry.
 

A day in my life.. how pitiful.

And I'm just laying here in the dark thinking to myself. How can I end this?