Hyuk’s

“Hey, hyung. Can you please come over?”

When Hyuk pulls out his cookie box from beneath his bed, Ken wishes to remain sober. The beer he bought with his bonus pay were sitting on the carpeted floor, untouched. Ken does not miss the breath that Hyuk secretly takes when his hand brushes over the metal lid. Ken is dying to know what is kept inside the box and what with the solemn ceremony? He doesn't want to rush him, afraid that Hyuk will change his mind. The task seems to be immensely difficult for his dongsaeng. One small wrong move around him, Hyuk will take the chance to bolt like an antelope in the wild being pursued.

A clink resonates. It opens. Ken holds his breath. "What the...?" Not in a century would Ken expect a box of items endorsed by N’s handsome face will be unearthed from under Han Sanghyuk's bed. Hyuk swaps his hand away when Ken is reaching for an album, "Careful. It's signed," he says in screeches.

Ken chuckles. "Chill. I didn't touch it yet. When did you have all these?"

"Since high school.” Hyuk bows his head. He doesn't want to meet the surprise in his eyes.

Ken one of the photos from the earlier days when N just debuted. His straight jet-black bang had been untrimmed, covering his forehead entirely. His smile is so wide that his eyes disappear behind the bang. He looks just the way Ken remembers him from a long time ago. Not this kind of smile though. He does not recall his smile being as authentic as the deep-sea pearls. It is the kind of smile you achieve in life when you actually enjoy living. N is surely not smiling right now. Ken gazes at the ceiling, keeping the tears at bay.

"If you're really his fan, why did you try to ruin him?" Ken looks back at Hyuk once his emotions are under control.

Hyuk keeps his eyes on the smiling N. "I always thought that N was one of the reasons why I ended up in journalism.” Instead of a straight-forward answer, Hyuk starts from the beginning: “I don't think I could have graduated high school without N being there for me. I was pretty smart but I didn't care for studying at all. But I studied really hard just so I can meet him one day. I always wanted to do something that will get me close to the entertainment industry.

“But hyung, we all grew up at one point. I didn't think that being a talk-show host will suit me. Social justice was my thing and look at where I ended up. I was so stubborn and insisted that I was right all the time and my boss finally had enough of me---it was awhile back since I got thrown out of Seoul National. And I'm still at the bottom. I was getting desperate to get back on my feet.” Hyuk runs the back of his hand over his misty eyes. “I forgot why and how I ended up being a paparazzi. I forgot where I've came from. I forgot my promise to N." Hyuk pops open a bottle and drinks and gulps until he can forget about what went wrong during the past few years.

Tonight, it is Hyuk who slumps against Ken's lap in a daze. Ken can only his hair until he will feel better at the next morning.  

"Jaehwan hyung," Hyuk slurs, "why did the boss give us a bonus?"

"Because SM is pleased with our Kyusica news. Scandal News and SM signed a contract for exclusive scandals. Go figure."

Hyuk hitches a sigh, "I'll never understand how entertainment industry works."

Ken doesn’t think that he can fully understand it either even though he had years of experiences working close to the industry ahead of Hyuk. His mind drifts off to N again. He will never understand N’s world from living at the margin. Did Ken end up becoming a paparazzi because of N? Ken shakes his head. Unlike Hyuk's clear-cut vision, Ken ended up here because life pushed him along on this path. He has already accepted what fate has in store for him when he took every opportunity that has presented to him. But he also learned something from doing something that he does not love. He learned how to survive fate without altering it. He always talks and smiles at the right time, at the right person. Without something precious inside of him, he can only learn to follow life’s lead. Ken is the master of preservation.

Ken traces Hyuk's jaw with his fingertips. He is a beautiful young man that is full of passion; he burns his fingers. Hyuk catches his hand abruptly, taking Ken by surprise. He places Ken’s hand over his burning cheek. "Jaehwan hyung," Hyuk asks sleepily, "why didn't you break my arm when I touch you like this?"

Ken’s heart hits his ribcage. It's true that he didn't flinch away from his warm skin. His laugh is humourless. "Because I love you, Han Sanghyuk. You can't break my trust anymore, 'Kay? I will break your arm if you cause anyone’s trouble."

Hyuk lets go of Ken. He turns to face him properly, looking more than sober. "Jaehwan hyung, I have a confession to make."

Ken’s cheeks grow hot. He nods hesitantly, telling him to go on. He isn't sure if he is ready to listen though.

Hyuk, the performer on the tightrope, takes a deep breath. "It wasn't me who sent N’s video to the boss, but I told him about N and his boyfriend. It happened that time when you caught me outside of his office... He must've told someone else to follow N..." Tears are freely flowing onto his face now. “So it was me all along. If I didn't tell him, N would still be smiling..."

Ken shakily takes his wet cheeks in his palms. His thumb follows his teardrops, dabbing them dry. "You don't know if that's really you. The boss probably knew about N way before you did.”

“You’d never know if that’s true,” Hyuk protests.

“You’d never know what would have happened either, so shush.”

Ken should be crossed with Hyuk's mistake, but how can he hold a grudge against him when Hyuk is sobbing over his unwise decision? He is about to tell Hyuk again that when celebrities get into troubles after they exposed their dirty secrets, it's not their fault. However, he keeps his lips sealed this time. It's not true that their actions had no impact on them. In the real world, any person's choice is bound to affect another person, whether you wished for it to happen or not; you’d never know. "Thank you, Hyuk. For being honest with yourself."

Hyuk sniffs. “Jaehwan hyung, is N going to be okay?"

"Of course," his voice cracks. "He got through sticky stuff all the time. This time won't be any different."

As soon as he uttered those words, Ken starts to believe them too. Didn’t he tell N that he is a variable? In mathematic, “n” can be any number it wants to be to solve the most challenging equations. In life, N can be anything he wants to solve the trickiest problem.

Military

January 7, 2014

Dear Hakyeon,

How did your first month of training go? Did you meet someone that will share punishment with you like I would? FYI, my best record is a thousand push-ups. You can’t beat that, can you?

I’m at Daejeon right now. I was walking on that highway. Do you know which one I’m talking about? We took that route from a crazy party back to our homes----way past our bedtime.

You were always the drunk philosopher. Remember what you asked me? You asked me if I knew where I was going. I told you we were going home. I knew you weren’t asking for the literal answer; I was dodging your Big Question. I was always the , am I right? But I will tell you the answer after you are discharged. I want to be honest with you so we can make the greatest masterpiece together on the silver screen. I will play nice this time.

I miss you.

Love,

Wonshik

N folds the letter in halves. The paper is rigid in his hand like Ravi’s last words to him.

So what if N remembers that highway? He is still stuck in this stupid place. He shouldn’t be here in the army. Not yet. He has a lot of unmet goal, like making the next smash hit that will finally stun everyone and make his fans standing proud, In here, his dream is long dead and gone. One month of not making music from dawn to dusk is enough to numb his emotions he has towards anything, including Ravi. He will never do Ravi’s movie. His indifference towards their past will only sabotage his project.

“Your boyfriend wrote to you?” one of his comrades asks while he tries to snatch the letter away. N sneers at him; his opponent is a dwarf that doesn’t know his shortcoming.

“ off,” says N under his breath, low enough so their supervisor can’t hear him.

His comrade flips him a bird.

N walks off; he is not suppose to feel anything other than regret.

Studio

Ravi unleashes his black tie at the last possible minute. He knows that he should look decent at this meeting because it would be a proper thing to do, but the tie feels like a dog leash. He throws it across the pristine table. He cups his saggy cheeks in his damp palms. His nerves await for the marching steps that will arrive in the narrow hallway any minute. The sound would punch the thick walls enclaving him, trapping him. His breath turns shallow. His muscles must have stiffen when he least notices it;  all he can focus is his running thoughts that have jumbled together. The light in his mind suddenly goes out as the clock ticks past their arranged meeting time; the dingy attic in his brain is enveloped in darkness. He is slipping out of his world for a few seconds until someone finally turns the doorknob. His muscle tissues untangle instantly. His nerves fire, ready to jump into action, so he gets up promptly, knocking on the rolling chair behind him.

Ravi straightens his back, smiling, as if nothing has ever happened. He greets the man in a black suit with a polite sweeping gesture towards one of the empty chairs like he is meeting his father-in-law for the first time, even though the older man smells like ashes in an urn.

“Please take a seat, Mr. Oh.” Ravi quickly glances over at his secretary who walked in behind Mr. Oh. Then he turns back to his client still smiling; he goes through a seamless transition, as if his attention has never left the most important person in the room. “We have the Kopi Luwak brew that you mentioned last time.” As a cue, the secretary places the taste of authentic Indonesia between them.

Mr. Oh’s expression softens a bit. He sips on the hot coffee carefully like a big-shot food critic you see on TV. Ravi’s smile slips out a little. Who does he think he is? But he quickly composes himself.

Mr. Oh nods. “I’m not here for you to bribe me with expensive coffee,” his voice is brittle. “My lawyer and I went over how we are going to end our contract.”

“What contract? Your lawyer isn’t here right now,” says Ravi. He keeps up with his smile despite his tone issues a challenge. “I’ll give you a higher return on my project.”

Mr. Oh’s laugh is low.  Ravi flinches. He hates his condescending laugh. He hates this  man with his entire being. He reminds him of his earlier days being a rookie writer when everyone told him that he was stupid to ever dreamed of meeting someone like N. He hates that man who stalked N and put him in the army.

“There’s no return in your movie, kid.” Mr. Oh pushes his coffee cup away. “N has gone under for good.” He grins. “Who did he think he was? He thinks he lives at Hollywood with all the gay things going on? People like him are disgusting.”

“People like you are disgusting,” says Ravi, all trace of his smile dissipates.

Mr. Oh jerks back from his chair. “You really don’t want the money.” He smirks.

“Oh, no. I love money. Money is my favourite thing. But I won’t take money from a homophobic like you.”

Mr. Oh scrunches his nose. “You’re crazy.” He laughs again. “Ah. I get it. You slept with him. Out of all people you could’ve ed. Or was it the other way around?”

Ravi shoots his secretary a tired look. “Ms. Kim, please throw him out.”

Mr. Oh slowly gets up on his own. “I’m telling you all these for your own good, kid. There’s plenty of people like me around. You’re going to be ruined like N if you keep him around.

“Find another actor. I’m betting my hard-earned cash on you, Ravi. You’re great on your own.” Mr. Oh crosses the threshold and he is gone.

Ravi falls back on his chair heavily. Another Kupi Luwak is made for him without any signal. He is grateful for the warmth...as much as he hates what he said about N, he can’t ignore his comforting words. Ravi, you’re more than your other half.

Ravi clenches his teeth. No. This is not right. If he suffers those hurtful words because of N, how much worse are things for N? Ravi laces fingers together; he isn’t praying, but he still hopes someone can hear them out.

Military

All N has to do at five each morning are push-ups, squats, burpees for a hundred-thousands times. Or at least, it feels like that to him. Compare to the hours of training he did to perfect his dancing, singing and dieting, military drills are just stretches. N runs his hand over the long jagged rifle. Every new equipment he touches brings him back to his first day in the recording studio. His voice cracked as he stuttered out a few off-key notes. “One more time, please,” he said and pleaded. N fires more shots at the cardboard human-shape target---he punches holes in the margin around the heart. The rifle feels lighter than his microphone. He feels less responsible holding a killing machine than perform in front of the camera. N takes another shot, the bullet penetrates straight to the heart.

The cardboard person is as dead as N.

April 17, 2014

Dear Hakyeon,

How are you? I'm doing okay, except my investor is a douche. He threatens to pull out of my production. Don’t worry, I'll always figure out something to save what we had.

I went back to our old middle school. Remember our homeroom teacher Mr. Park? He stopped teaching and owns a fishing boat now. Remember that hallway next to the art room? That “WS+HY” is still on the foot of the wall. Remember how we hated our first smoke? The cigarette stains crossed out our initials. It's funny how soon our names got erased. I looked at the scorched words long and hard. I felt like a different person. I'm still the same old me but then I'm not, because you weren't there to see me burn our names off the wall. It's like I made a pact with you. I promised I will go back here again to rewrite my name, but not today. I don't deserve to have “Ravi” on the wall yet.

I wish you will be here with me to see our legend being made.

Love,

Wonshik

N hugs the letter to his chest. His comrades are snoring away in their dreams while tossing and turning on the hard mattress. If N knows Ravi, he would tell him that he already deserves everything. that investor. He worked as hard on his dream as N, so things should turn out good for him. Nonetheless, N didn’t think that for himself. N never thought that he deserved anything good. Good things naturally came to him after he pulled through the struggles. He thought that it was a natural process. Now life teaches him that he deserves what he hits him unexpectedly, not what he expects from his arduous effort.

But N can’t think of Ravi for too long; the other man always shows up in his thoughts. N remembers the real estate magazines that stacked high beneath his coffee table. Leo and he circled all the nice houses on the surrounding islands with a red felt pen. They ooh-ed and ahh-ed over all those generic-looking white beach houses that were selling at just under a million dollars. Leo hated water though. They would never own a boat, though N figured Leo would like a sleek-looking yacht so he could show off to all his important friends. What about me? N asked him. Are they going to know me? Leo would kiss him and that shut him up.

N wipes his eyes as he realizes he used to have good things in his life.

“You .” An iron grip clamps around N’s neck. It tightens around his breathing tube the more he struggles against the bigger guy. His mouth hangs open slightly. The water beads that cling on the rough gray wall in the shower stall wet his backside. “You were staring at my .” The taller guy slams him against the wall again.

“Quit it. This is so gay,” one soldier speaks up under the shower head. The running water drowns out his words.

The others scrub and rinse. They let the water to have a louder conversation than the fight in the corner.

When the guy releases his throat, N’s knees bend forward. He chokes out the rest of the water in nostrils and in the air like a vacuum. He would thank whoever step in but he is coughing.

“I said ‘quit it.’” Another guy holds the taller guy by the arm. “You don’t want to leave any visible mark.”

He pushes N’s head back onto the wall and yanks the nearest running shower head into N’s face. N coughs out the cold water and gasps for air at the same time. Thousands thorns prick his chest, stabbing him to death. He squeezes his eyes tight against the water. He shuts off his breathing as he sinks faster. Water rushing down his tubes and he coughs right back out. Millions of hands hold him down on the cold hard floor, burying him alive. His world turns black as he loses air. N sees the ending credit rolling on the black screen.

A/N: Hang in there, N! I love you. <3 Will N survive? N will be out of the army eventually but the q's is----is he going to dead or alive? /super dramatic pause/

Anyway, please let me know what you think so far. Is the pace too slow or too fast? I feel like I'm just talking to myself.

Subscribe and upvote if you like the story thus far. Thank you for subscribing the story already. <3

Your dreamer,

Suzy