Cafe

I Once Fell In Love

By Ravi

Love-

A small word that’s been debated by smartass philosophers living in eons;

The definitions are all cold and tough.

Love comes in many forms, too many to decipher.

The only form that is true called “you-and-me”.

Me crushing your heart into infinite pieces.

You returning the favour five thousands time over

With interest more heartless than the loan sharks.

Rain Fear

By Ravi

Rain---

It reminds me of the trauma that I gave you the other day.

The day when I wished you happiness.

I didn’t mean it.

I know everything about you:

Until your ego becomes smaller,

Or you just stopped caring.

After I left.

Are you still scared of the rain?

Fear---

Are you still scared of me?

Ravi folds the poems in halves, and in quarters. He hides himself in the deepest corner of the cafe, away from the sight of the happiest people in the centre table. The rain is tapity and tapity outside, but it doesn’t seem like the rain reminds Ken of Ravi the way it affects him. Ken’s smile is too wide when he laughs at one of Hyuk’s stupid jokes. Ravi recognizes everyone else at the table---there are Ken’s sister, the brother-in-law, and his cousin. Ravi takes his gaze off that table. His eyes fleet over the poems. He imagines when those corny poems end up in Ken’s hands. It would not be the same as Ken writing Ravi secret love letters. Instead, Ken will return him a saddest smile, shake his head, before return them all. He will be full of pity and Ravi hates pity.

He drops the poems in the half-empty coffee cup.

“I heard you quit your job?” Jangri asks her baby brother Ken. She pours herself some wine to salute him, only she misses her aim through her double vision. “My good brother,” she raises her voice. “I was going to burn down that building if you didn’t quit. Well done.” She drains her drink clean.

Ken makes an unpleasant face. “Please, Big Sis. You’re embarrassing.”

Jangri doesn’t seem to be fazed. “I get it, your boyfriend’s here.” She winks.

Ken and his brother-in-law roll their eyes simultaneously. “Honey, stop drinking. You’re scaring Hyuk away,” says Mino, smiling.

“We’re not...I’m not…,” says Hyuk, blushing. He looks down at his lasagna.

“The details aren’t important,” Ken’s cousin chimes in. Nana always follows what Jangri says like they are twins. “Right, unnie?”

“Nana, my good girl. I’ll drink to you too.” Jangri pours herself another glass.

Mino cuts his steak. Though he is dissecting the meat, but Ken can feel his gaze cutting through Ken. His brother-in-law is always so sensitive. “Why did you quit?”

“It’s a dirty job,” Ken says matter-of-fact. “I’m tired of being the bad guy. I want to leave people’s lives alone.” He takes a piece of his cod fish and puts it in Hyuk’s plate. “It’s time for a new change. I want to be like Hyukkie, excelling at his new job.”

"I’m not excelling. I just got promoted and a raise; that’s all,” says Hyuk. He holds his head higher. He straightens his back. He is obviously full of pride.  

Mino smiles. “Congratulations to you both.” He toasts them with his orange juice, which only Hyuk returns it.

Jangri tsks. She looks from her husband to her baby brother. “You two are still so awkward.” She punches her husband’s shoulder. “Loosen up, buddy.”

“We’re all good now.” Mino pours himself a few inches of wine. He raises his glass to Ken. “I’m sorry for all the nasty things I said about you and your group of friends.” By “your group of friends”, he meant the LGBTQ group. “I was so mean to you before, and calling you a coward when you wouldn’t talk to dad.” He clinks glass with Ken.

Ken drinks with him. After he put down the glass, he says, “You were thinking for my best interest. I got that.”

Mino looks relieved. “Yes. Exactly. You’re my wife’s little bro. I has to look out for you. And don’t worry about dad too much. You live your life’.”

Ken understands that doing something for someone else’s best interests does not equal to doing something that is good to them. Still, he was acting with good intention.

Nana raises her brow at Hyuk. “So when’s the wedding?”

Hyuk mumbles something like: “Never. Not with him.”

Nana squeals. “Great. I heard you like art? I have two tickets to the exhibition featuring your idol N. I think that’s your idol?”

Hyuk looks like he is about to leap out of his chair, as if it is something instinctive, but he glances over at Ken hyung before grabbing his chance. “Um… I already said I’d go with Ken.”

Ken takes a bite of his broccoli in leisure. “We can all go.”

Hyuk looks back at Nana and smiles. “Sounds good.”

Jangri and Mino scrutinize the three. The younger ones are chatting and laughing about the pictures that they will go to see. Ken teases Hyuk for freaking out over a painting of N sleeping; the adoration oozes out from the crinkles of his eyes.

Ravi’s

Poki shakes out his fur with all his might until he is somewhat dry. Begrudgingly, Ravi wipes off the puddle of water. “I can't live with you for the rest of my life if you don't listen to me.” The edge of his voice teeters off balance. Once his voice starts cracking, then his chest constricts. It's hard to be a single dad. With the hair dryer in his hand, he stalks his waddling pet. Poki doesn't run as fast as a young pup. He’s within Ravi’s reach.

The doorbell rings, but Poki is not barking like he always does towards strangers. Ravi opens the door. Instead of slamming the door back to its place, something compels him to hold the door ajar; every cell in his body screams “run away from your safe haven.” There’s still room to maintain the status quo if he shuts the door now. Nothing can possibly mess up his and Poki’s life.

Poki finally barks at the woman on the other side of the metal door. The dog that  hardly makes any whining sound now greets the woman in skips, tails wagging. Is that how Ravi was when he saw Ken again at the bus stop?

“Aren’t you letting me in?” asks Soyee.

Ravi unbolts the lock.

“Hi, Poki. It’s your mommy.”

Poki backs up two steps from the outstretched hands. Those fingers are ugly tentacles trying to strangle both of their lives.

Poki dashes away before anyone can get him.

“How did you find me?” asks Ravi.

“Ken’s mom told me. I was at Daejeon last week. Are you trying to hide Poki from me?”

“Took you long enough to get your over here.”

“Well, I’m here now. Poki,” she calls. She squats next to Ravi’s desk where Poki lies. He runs off under Ravi’s feet. He picks him up and snuggles him close to his chest. “You’re too late. Should’ve came back earlier.”

“Why does it matter? Poki is mine. I raised him since he’s a baby. He misses his mommy.”

“Since the day you didn’t pick him up on time, he’s no longer yours. He’s ours. He doesn’t remember you.”

“So what? I still love him.”

Ravi his soft grayish white fur, the same hair that he has been brushing for years. Day after day. Night after night. He had to brush out those damned tangled hair. He’d bite him. Ken would hit Ravi when he yanked too hard on their baby. Ken would say that he will brush him next time, but he never did. ‘Til this day, Ravi brushes his hair day and night even when there’s no one to yell at him.

Ravi passes Poki over to that strange woman’s arms. Poki screams at him and reproaches him. How could you give me away?

“Thanks, Ravi. You can come visit him whenever you want.”

Ravi slams the door at them as soon as they are gone. Poki is rightfully hers.

N punches the doorbell repeatedly. The third metal door down the hall is barred and forged with the appearance of cold security, but N is relentless. He sticks his hand through the bars and bangs on his door. “Open the door, Ravi.” He yells through the prisoner’s wall. “We need our director.”

The whole apartment falls into silence. Not even a dog would bark at him. Did he bring Poki out for a walk? N listens to the thunderstorm hackling on the roof and scratching on the windows. Ravi would be a mad man roaming outside, even wild animals are hiding.

N probes around the metal frame. His fingers poking until he finds the spare key hiding in the doorframe. He inserts it into the metal lock but it does not fit. All at once, N is unsure of himself. It’s okay. Ravi isn’t hard to figure out at all. N yanks at the door and slides it open. See? The outer metal door wasn’t locked at all. He shoves the key to the lock attached to the wooden door and turns his wrist. N steals the moment.

The blinds are all drawn, air-tight. The apartment smells like faint cologne like the last time N visited, only, something old and musty laces with the trapped air. The room is strewn with dirty laundry, pops and beer cans, and used tissues. N takes the remote and turns the TV off. N reorients himself to the direction of Ravi’s room.

In the dim darkness, Ravi flops over on his desk. He is half buried in papers. His silk pajama loses its smoothness and shininess. His mouth is slightly ajar. He is snoring away, saying “no” to the world.

N marches over to him and pinches his shoulder. Ravi’s eyelids flutter open, before he closes them again. “How did you get in?” He drawls out his words. His breath is stank with wine.

“I knew you would leave the key out for Ken. He always forgets his key.”

“What are you doing here?”

N leans over his desk, until his breath hits his ear. “I need you to get your together. You were convincing the investors to pull out of the movie. Why are you sabotaging your own project?”

Ravi rotates his head so his right cheek would touch the desk. “I can’t make my movie without my main character. What’s the point?”

“You’re blaming me? You lost the bet. It’s not my fault that Ken gave up on you.”

Ravi gets up. The cat-shaped paperweight vibrates on his desk. He narrows his eyes at N. “Why is the bet so important to you? I thought you like me. Why are you pushing me to Ken?”

“I love you.”

“And you think I don’t? But you’re my rival.” Ravi laces his fingers tightly together. He stares ahead of his hands. His eyes fleet back and forth like moth following light. “I tried to patch things up with him, but it didn’t work. He found someone better.” The impact of his knuckles connects the table shatters the thin defensive line that N erects between them. “I don’t care if I win our bet or not.” He teeters on the balls of his feet. “Isn’t that what you want to hear from me? That I would quit? You never wanted to do the movie in the first place. You don’t have to play the nice guy anymore.” He comes around the massive table that separates them. He comes so close that the stale wine pushes itself forward in N’s face. “You’re just guilty for what you did. Do you actually care for me?” He points at himself from head to toe. “Do you really care for the guy you see right now?”

N forgets to breathe. How dares he asks if he cares for Kim Wonshik? N trips over nothing, still, he falls. He suddenly knows which knife he threw at him. He’s so not so sure if he believed what he said to him. Do I care about you?

N remembers the person who went to see Mr. Park with him. The person who he fished with a few weeks ago. The person who came to him two years ago when most people hated him. The person suddenly had hope again when he said “yes” to Lost Land . It’s all you.

Though Ravi looks blank now. “The only thing you can do now is lose to me,” says Ravi, “but that’s not an option when everyone loves you now because of Hongbin’s arts. I couldn’t ruin you. I couldn’t rebuild you either. I’m useless to you.”

N shakes his head. “You are important to me,” he says. “I’d do anything for you, Ravi.”

Ravi sneers. N plants his feet firm into the carpet. “You might not think so now, but remember that I meant what I said today when everything got better. You will be better.”

N perceives the slightest shake of his head as a nod. Ravi has to no one else to believe in.

N has no choice but to leave Ravi alone. Ravi considers what N has told him. Would he really do anything for him? Especially now he has nothing. Something strikes Ravi. He bends lower for his right hand to reach for his right drawer. He pulls out a key item that Ravi has hanged onto for a long time. Ravi is still confused. Why did he steal it from Ken’s shoebox in the deep of the closet? Perhaps it was the pink glittery feathers pooling around Ken’s bony ankles that drew him in. Or it was those sparkly blue sequin wrapped around Ken’s hips that urged him to keep it. Or it was the massive purple feathers fanning out behind N’s sunkissed back. Ravi gulps.

N was never perfect even though he made himself to be. If he was, he wouldn’t be a drag queen, showing his most vulgar side in front of an audience that lusted after the shiny trophy man. Ravi should have crumbled up the offending picture. He should have turned away from him with disgust. Instead, the loud, attention-seeking gold paints on their faces set Ravi’s body on fire. He craves them both. So he keeps the photo to himself.

Backstage

The dreams take N by surprise. They all happened too fast. One minute he was in Ravi’s apartment, still trying to deal with its owner and his ludicrous wish for his movie to get off the ground, the next he got into a whirl of activities after Hongbin’s exhibition is out in the world along with N’s bare self. Sungjae’s phone got busier again with calls buzzing looking for N. Looking for me for what? At first N stumbled on his feet, unsure what to do with the rush of people trying to grab for him, seeking out his talent again. “You’re not dreaming, son. Hongbin’s exhibition is a hit. So are you,” says Sungjae. N hits him back for calling him “son.” Sungjae glares back. “Get yourself together, ‘kay? I don't want to be out of job again.”

“N-ssi?” a timid-looking girl calls his attention. “Can I have your autograph?” N imagines his face being wrinkled in her tight fists.

N looks away from the mirror and swivels on his make-up chair. The staff in the dressing room is yapping on with their usual gossips, plus preparing N for his special stage in a long time. It is not an official comeback yet, but it doesn’t hurt to test the water now. The team is buzzed with renewed energy, nobody seems to notice the girl that has wandered in except for N.

“Sure.” He smiles at her, inviting her to come nearer. He takes over the permanent ink marker and the polaroid of him holding up a V-sign. N chuckles. He takes another glance at the girl who stares at something behind N. “You won it through a contest?”

“My friend gave it to me after… uh.” The girl bows her head. Her strayed hair hides her red profile.

N’s grin splits wider. “It's alright.” He hands back the signed photograph.

“I went to the exhibition.” She peers at him. “My favorite is the black-and-white painting looking to the side, curling up like a fetus-”

“-not wearing anything,” says N, teasing.

The girl blushes a fiery shade of red. “It’s not just about the body. There's an innocence to it, like a child we all want to protect. A child that saw too many terrible things.”

N gives her a helpless smile. Aren’t we all only children?

“I like your military portrait the best,” says his hairstylist. He straightens his back and salutes him.

N’s response is automatic. He is still a child, though he will be bulletproof. The longer he lives, the more he realizes the life can never get easier. So can he being tougher.

The door flings open then, startling N’s stance. Sungjae marches over to N. He bends toward him. “Come with me for a minute,” says Sungjae.

N follows Sungjae out of the waiting room. He makes no eye-contact with anyone; he knows that none of them looks his way anyway. They are avoiding him like plague---a feeling, a deja vu, creeps up from two-year-and-half ago.

A/N: 

So Ravi has been experiencing some major stress in this chapter. His way might not be the best method to deal with his troubles. How would you deal with life's difficulties that are piling up on you? I remembered crying it all out before cutting off the people that made me feel small.... It's probably better to take deep breaths, do some yoga, or read a book. Do anything that let yourself relax a bit. :)

Really thank you for sticking with me for a long time. Like what you're reading? Leave a comment, upvote, or sub!

Hope you have a nice, exciting week.

Your dreamer,
suzyelf