N’s 

Hakyeon's body is light in Leo’s arms. He hugs the sleeping man close to his chest before dropping him on his bed like an angel's feather. The netizens once loved to call Hakyeon the "Dark Knight". Leo finds the name dashing, intriguing. He is the hero behind everyone’s joy and sorrow. He’s always here to protect his fans. He caresses Hakyeon’s tear-stained cheeks. He is an angel without wings now. He is all alone without his future or Leo himself. He will not apologize to Hakyeon. Apologies will not right every wrong; there’s nothing Leo can do.

Leo moves to the kitchen to pick up the broken glass pieces. It used to hold up the red, staining wine. While his slender fingers are threading through the hurtful remnants, his mind prefers to think of the happier time, before Hakyeon lost everything he had worked so hard for. Leo remembers that one precious night when Hakyeon had a free day. For a few hours, Hakyeon was free of the burden of being a celebrity and he was only Leo’s. Leo finished work at the TV station past midnight. The spices in the air greeted him at Hakyeon’s door. Beads of sweat slid down Hakyeon’s temples as he was trying to assemble a dish of chicken linguini.

Leo wrapped his arms around Hakyeon's waist. "I didn't know that linguini is suppose to be spicy."

Hakyeon elbowed him away. In response, Leo tightened his embrace. That night, they ravished Hakyeon's cheese-fried chips and Leo’s kimchi ramen on the couch. Two glasses of Hakyeon's treasured wine perched on the coffee table. They watched the re-run of the Stairway to Heaven at four in the morning. Leo dozed off first with Hakyeon snuggled against his laps. He was probably crying his eyes out because of the old-school soap opera. Leo regretted falling asleep before him. He would have wiped his face clean. Leo hated Hakyeon's tear-stained cheeks.

Leo stops his memories in their track. He is in danger of going through the pain all over again. He packs up the baggage of shattered glass and throws it in the trash can without a backward glance.

Broadcast Station

At 21:11, Leo walks into the chaotic news department. The buzzing movements fly around him grounds him back to reality. The workplace’s liveliness re-energizes his every atoms. Here at the broadcast station is where Leo can confidently conquer. “Here’s your honey tea, Taekwoon-sshi.” Minah stops him from going to his office. As he is reaching for it, the old friend moves away. “Not so fast. You are eleven minutes late.”
 

“What do you want from me then?” he asks his hoobae, though it is not unkind.
 

She turns her cheek to him, but the expected kiss never comes. Leo blows her a kiss instead and takes the steamy mug from her. They know each other since the time of university. She can take his rejection any day.

He continues his way to his office to prepare for the midnight broadcast. He has to stop once more when his phone buzzes. “I’m waiting for you in the parking lot,” the screen flashes. Leo’s heart does a somersault. Hakyeon is here. The swan rings burn in his pants. He can wait until I’m done with work. He has so much material he needs to prepare for tonight’s broadcast. He cannot be bothered by him now. The field of journalism and news broadcast demand Leo to be alert of sudden event that might happen minutes before the broadcast goes on air. A glint of determination crosses his eyes. He will survive tonight’s battle.
 

“Leo-ssi!” another staff waves him over. He ushers him to a huddled group. The air suddenly shifts around him. The already high-strung work atmosphere becomes suffocating. Pairs of eyes stare at Leo who scans over the latest article on screen. The rings beg to be released from his pockets.
 

Leo finds Hakyeon behind the dumpster in the dark. Every step he takes to get closer to Hakyeon, the stakes piles higher, so he halts at a comfortable arm-length distance. It is a safe proximity where Hakyeon cannot touch him nor their conversation will travel far to unwanted ears. Leo shoves his hands into his pants’ pocket--- it is another mistake. His hand wraps around the small jewelry box.

“You were at my house last night,” says Hakyeon.

“Yeah. I was.” Leo mentally checks his expression in place carefully. Hakyeon can always tell if he will lie to him despite of his poker face.

When Leo does not speak more, Hakyeon asks, “Are you done thinking now?”

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Hakyeon bites his lower lips. “Liar.” His calm facade shatters. His arrogant mask finally breaks in front of Leo.

Leo cracks too. It is a slit that Hakyeon can never know.

“I saw the article about us,” Hakyeon says weakly. “Let’s break up.”

Leo’s hand tightens around the box. He thinks that he is well-prepared for the final verdict. He fails to see Hakyeon at the moment. All that is left in the world are just himself and the box of swan rings. He thinks that he can go through the motion when Hakyeon’s words hit him like an uninvited storm. “Let’s break up,” Leo’s response is rehearsed. Was it really Leo who agreed to breaking up? He thought that he will feel relieved when this moment finally comes.

“Things will get better soon.” Hakyeon’s raspy voice brings Leo back to him. “You and I will be fine.” Leo wants to scrape his default courteous smile off his face.

They stand staring at one another’s frozen expression. They go back to the game of pretense. They are also aware of some paparazzi lurking in the dark. Leo grabs Hakyeon’s hand anyway. Hakyeon breaks for the second time when Leo shakes his hand. “Good luck with your career, N.”

If Leo is not a man of words, then he is mute tonight in the news studio. He allows the stylists to have final touch-ups on his jet-black hair and make-up. The incident with N he had an hour ago is slowly receding in his memory. Instead, he focuses on skimming over the first page of his script: some politician’s scandal will be first reported. Somehow, the gay rumour does not reach its claws to Leo yet. Leo is safe. Tonight, like any other night, he will report news to the South Korean households at twelve in the morning. Soon, Leo will become a news anchor at the primetime slot. Hard work, connections, and hidden secrets will eventually get him to the high place. Let N fall out of everyone’s sight. Tonight, Leo still has his life intact. “I don’t love you anymore.”---That’s the biggest lie that Leo can tell. Without lies, Leo cannot live with his maskless face. He always believed that a love as strong as his and N’s will not break apart because people tell them they can’t. Romeo and Juliet is bull. Leo never lives life as he is told. He will never die because of love, so he stops loving N… None of that matters now. As long as we are kept apart, you and I will survive, Leo convinces himself.

“Ready. In three...two…” the director calls.

Leo’s pockets are empty without rings.

It is not until Leo is completely out of sight that N scrambles for his car in a daze. He locks every doors and windows and let out a bottled howl. He lays his head over the steering wheel and allows tears to heal his wound. He cannot think of anything but Leo’s broken poker face and his final words: “Good luck with your career, N.” “N”---he never called him by his stage name after their first meeting when they were strangers. N hiccups. The salty tears slide into his throat which he chokes on pathetically. N - that’s right - I’m N. N was the beloved singer who was the inspiration and strength for his fans Starlights. N will never disgust his audience. N will never have a romantic relationship with another man. N will marry a female singer or an actress and have three kids and everything will be fine. N is Hakyeon. And Hakyeon will never do that.

All is lost. It starts from Ravi and ends with Leo.

And it is all his own fault.

He wipes his face clean with the backs of his palms. Alone in the car with his own thought and self, detach from the Earth, N has nothing more to lose.

He breathes hard through his nostrils as his heart speeds up and the car suddenly compresses him into himself until the metal will completely crushes him. He grips on the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turn to ghost-white. And the veins in his strained body pop. Like his uncontrollable physiological reactions, his memories from the past few weeks fall upon him like dominos: meeting Ravi in the conference room, beating that man at the bar alley, waking up to his death sentence, breaking up with Leo. His memories retrace further back to the carefree days with Ravi back in their hometown Daejeon, and what happened after in Seoul with Hongbin and then Jaehwan and finally Hakyeon became N. At one point, he naively believed that in a muddy field of show business, he could find love too. For a long time, he believed that he could find happy ending in Leo. He taught him a lesson just now. N is alone in his car with only his own troubled thoughts as his companions.

“The higher you climb, the more responsibilities you would have,” he remembers Amelia once told him. “That’s why I like being a scum.” He showed him his nicotine-stained yellow teeth in a lopsided grin. The old man in green long wig leant back into the sofa. “But you’re different than I, son. You’re meant to have the world on your shoulder.” Amelia waves his cigarette in a large arch like a wand, the ashes fell upon N like fairy dust. Did he think that he’s his fairy godmother who will transform N from a lowlife to a royalty commanding the world?

N knows that somewhere along the road looking for his destination, he disappointed Amelia and everyone who loved him. They are his fairy godmothers, but N fails to be the prince.

N shuts his eyes. He is exhausted from being chased by his brief lifetime of memories. He cannot see where this will all end. Where did his home go? Maybe if he crashes his car against the dumpster in front of him, all will end in where he ought to be---being buried in those worthless trash.

Rooftop

Hyuk clenches onto his bruised stomach. He stares up at Ken who is towering over him. Ken raises his foot again and Hyuk flinches away. The blow never comes though. Instead, he yanks at his shirt collar. Ken’s enraged pupils are more damaging than the physical assault. Hyuk's voice trembles, "I-It wasn't me..."

Ken shook him hard, "Then why did you lie about being at home last night? Who else from Scandal News would sabotage N like that?"

Hyuk regains his posture upon hearing the accusation. "It's my fault that N beat someone up and then ran away? Did I make him do that?" Hyuk raises his voice, "He got himself in trouble. Not me."

Ken narrows his eyes. "So you did do it."

"So what if I did? It doesn't change the fact that N was violent and out of control."

They stare down at each other for a few suspenseful seconds, holding their breaths for another explosion. Ken shoves him back to the ground. Having his back on his dongsaeng, he walks to the railing of the roof. He hits the metal and bruises his knuckles. In the end, he cannot stop what N or Hyuk planned to do. "I'm so disappointed in both of you," he said to the freezing air. In the end, he can only watch things helplessly crashing down around him like always. Ken retreats back to the building, back to his own shell, back to the time when he needn't to worry about anyone else except himself.

Press Conference

“Top Soloist Assaulted Innocent Civilian at a Gay Bar: N Is Coming Out?’” Ken re-reads the eye-catching title dramatically. He sneers. “ing trashy.” He throws the Scandal News tabloid down on the table disdainfully.

“What do we do now?” asks Hyuk.

Ken’s hard gaze softens a bit for his dongsaeng. “‘What do we do now?’ We can’t do anything for him.” The shake of his head was full of pity, or even love. But Hyuk understands that they are too insignificant to do anything for the superstar, except fulfilling their role as paparazzis.

All the reporters’ cameras flash blinding white light the second N steps onto the stage before them. Being the rookie that he is, Hyuk feels like he’s the last person in the room to direct his attention on the most controversial public figure in the country. On the other hand, the experienced Ken takes multiple snapshots in a second, taking the best pictures of N wearing a simple black suit over white dress shirt and black pants, his black tie was tucked between the two garments to complete his funeral attire. His hands clasp in front of him submissively. Ken captures his apologetic ninety-degree bow with his camera.

Hyuk is ashamed too, so he hides behind his camera. His index finger controls the shutter half-heartedly.

The sound of cameras do not cease even after N took a seat at the long table. The company’s representative and his manager situate on his either sides, acting like bodyguards who will fend off any verbal attack from the reporters on a bloody battlefield.

“Good morning, I’m Park Hyun Tae. I will host N’s conference today,” the guy on N’s left introduces himself formally. “Before N will answer any question, he will give you an explanation for his regretful action this past Thursday night.”

More metallic clicking of the shutters and unbroken concentration rise into the crescendo. It gives Hyuk a headache.

N starts off not with words, but with another deep bow. His forehead nearly hits the table. “I  sincerely apologize for my assault against Mr. Oh. I was irresponsible to get drunk, hit somebody and then ran away. I am most sorry to my fans who have been supporting me.” His eyes shimmer. If N’s apology sounded like a rehearsed actor before, a hint of genuinity breaks through now. “I am a disappointment and I am ashamed to even show my face to them, but my fans and the public deserve the truth behind my immoral behaviour.” He gets up and bows again.

A million hands shoot through the thick air like rocket launchers aiming at the once-respected idol. “N. N. N.” The floor is gathered with hyenas trying to get a piece of him. Only Hyuk and Ken had their hands still on their cameras and laptops. That’s the least they can do for N.

“Are you a homoual, N-ssi? You were at a gay bar.” The reporter who shouts hit bulls-eye.

“No. I’m not.” N’s sorrowful look is unchanging.

Murmurs and talkings erupt at once. Ken and Hyuk can only gawk at each other. What the Hell is he saying now?

“Please be quiet,” says Hyun Tae, raising his voice at the microphone. “If you don’t want to miss the details of the truth.”

Again with the truth. Hyuk feels that he’s drifting farther away from the actual truth.

Nonetheless, like the obedient kindergarteners, everyone pays attention to the person who promises them candies.

Hyuk is about to throw up.

N leans towards his mic. “As Mr. Oh told the press this early morning, he was a passerby of the suspected bar, not a customer, so was I. As the video accuses me of assault shows, we were having an argument outside the bar. I am sorry for causing such a huge misunderstanding and grief.”

Ken shakes his head slightly. Hyuk can guess that he is extremely disappointed with N.

“What about your boyfriend?” Another foot soldier takes a stab. “Yesterday, Dispatch revealed a picture of you and your boyfriend’s date in a car.”

The minimal smile on N’s lips sends chills all over Hyuk’s body. “There’s a third person in the backseat. We were carpooling together after a party.”

“The proof shot of that will be released after the conference,” adds Hyun Tae.

Hyuk’s head begins to spin. He holds onto Ken’s arm for support. Ken looks back at him. The older’s eyes are full of concern for his dongsaeng. How can Ken stay calm watching N putting on an one-man show? He appears barely unfazed.

The reporters fire more questions. N and his team skillfully fight off their suspicions without being obviously wrong. They are very humble with their victory. As time drags on, N becomes more and more of a victim of Fate. It was merely an unfortunate incidence. The other man attacked first. N barely had any fault in it. The fact that the man was seriously injured by N is covered up by layers of sweet talking and remorse. Hyuk’s body temperature drops further and further. He doesn’t know who to be more scared of: the public who is set to tear N down or N who is lying through his mournful mask.

“Any more questions?” asks Hyun Tae after twenty minutes of the Q&A session. Even that question was calculated to the dot; he throws that question out because he expects no more questions. After this one last opportunity, N will be set free.

Hyuk’s heart is about to burst through his chest.

“Scandal News?” Hyun Tae acknowledges the raised hand. His lips draw a taut line, evidently displeased that his plan is disrupted.

Unlike during other questions, all eyes and ears are on the interrogator instead of the interrogated. Hyuk gulps nervously. He can hear his colleagues’ condemning thoughts towards him and Ken: so you guys are the ones who are dirtier than dirt? You are the moral-less paparazzi who went so far to expose a celebrity’s ual orientation for your own profit? Go to Hell.

“N-ssi…” Hyuk’s voice trembles. He’s scared that N can’t hear him, but at the same time, he is more fearful of his hard gaze upon him. They are eyes full of hatred. “I am sorry.” Copying N, Hyuk too bows in ninety-degree in his direction. Ken follows suit. After a million eon passes, Hyuk finally looks up at N. His glare is still on him, though his facial expression is as passive as ever.

Hyuk’s knees go weak and he falls back on his chair.

At this moment, Hyuk is confused who was more despicable. N who hit someone and lied about it. Or himself who exposed the truth and hurt him. Hyuk shuts his eyes. He can’t do the math anymore.

Ignoring Hyuk, Hyun Tae swiftly takes over the situation, pretending that his apology never exists: “If there is no more questions, we have one more thing to announce.”

The cameras makes another refrain to the horror film that Hyuk is watching.

“Mr. Oh withdrew his charge against N this morning. Mr. Oh and N have already came to a peaceful term. They are currently reflecting on their mistakes.” He throws a glance at N.

Everyone's attention turns to N now. “To reflect on my mistake that’s borne out of my impulsiveness and drinking problem, I will begin my mandatory military service starting next week. After two years of serving our country, I promise to return as a disciplined and respectable citizen.”

Furious tapping of keyboard echos the latest breaking news at once. The headline has already been decided in a split of a second: “The Assault Case Is Dropped: Jellyfish’s Soloist N Will Serve the Army To Repent His Sin.”

Hyuk is angry. If N really wants to repent his sin, he should go to jail where he deserves to be.

Ken’s laugh is a dry one. “As expected of N, he can always get away from doomsday. He will be the last man standing in an apocalypse.” His frowns are slight. Hyuk cannot tell if he is happy for him or angry with him. Maybe a little bit of both. Or he’s already stopped to have any feelings towards that man.

N leaves his seat. He bows to all sides for one last time. He is not meeting anyone’s eyes but Hyuk’s.


 

A/N: Oh, you're in so much trouble Hyuk! Tell me if this is heading to dramaland or a hot mess or both. ;) What do you think of N's action? Is he all angelic like as we all think...hmm... 

Basically this is a continuation from The War of Dream & Paper and The Swan Rings if anyone caught on. In the previous series I just left N in ruin, but now I'm picking up on that event. There will be new materials from now on plus a few flashbacks as the story develops. I'm so excited! 

Subscribe and upvote if you enjoy it so far. Tell me what you think too. Comments are also valuable.

Have a wonderful 2017.

Your dreamer,

Suzy