V. LOVE ME THE SAME

  Artist: Jessica Jung

 

I waited for Yuri, long enough that I can say that my started to hurt from sitting in the leather seat of my car. It’s midnight and it is quite an acceptable reason for us to finally get some time alone together. Hectic schedules and overlapping responsibilities and I feel like I am drowning in the thought that I am not able to see her for a week or so. We find time, even it is hard. Me being not in the group anymore, two years now, actually. They are preparing for a comeback and I can only congratulate the girls. Ironically, in 6 months we will be celebrating our 10th Anniversary, sad to say that I am not included in it. Sad to say that I am not be able to make them feel that I am beyond happy.

 

30 more minutes and Yuri is still not out. I tried texting her, yet there is no reply at all. I decided to give myself some slack as I adjusted the car seat to lean. Sleeping is also a means of being productive. For several minutes that feels like seconds, I felt my phone vibrate in my lap.

 

Sica, I am almost done. I am sorry, manager oppa confiscated our phones.

 

A smile appeared in my face, at least Yuri has a reason for making me wait. Never did like waiting anyway, but when it comes to my girlfriend, it is essential to. Ever since I got out of the group, things got a little bit complicated. Not like before, where we can hang off cam and I can monitor her every move. Considering there is a bunch of girls and boys sneaking to get under her pants, and Yuri the great miss goody two shoe will only consider it as a friendly approach. We have numerous fights because of that, call me immature but even though we are approaching our 6th year as a couple, my insecurities and jealousy issues is a mental problem.

 It indeed swayed our relationship that it even reached the part where I shouted to Yuri that I am tired and she began to cry silently. Her wordless but tearful response to my words, struck my heart in terms I cannot even fathom. And when she started to smile despite the tears that are falling from her eyes, she managed to tell me that if I am tired, she is willing to let go. My big hearted love, my selfless baby. I am tired but I will never let her go. I I’ll never give her up, everything. Just not her. There have been times where I am being attacked by my ever present mental health of being a paranoid that I garnered some sleepless nights thinking about some questions,

 

What if Yuri became tired? Like her, will I ever let her have that? Will I ever let her go? Am I ready to be selfless? Because when it comes to her, I am selfish.

 

As I drown myself in those useless thoughts, I did not noticed the soft knocks in my car window. We are in the parking lot, and my members and my sister have been caught by the media in this place, I just hope that Yuri is wearing a hood. It is not that I am not proud of this relationship but the world is not revolving in the prospect that is called, us. That kind of vulgarity will only string the rest that is important to us, and I don’t want that. As much as possible, not until we are married, we just have to keep this to ourselves. I grinned at the cute figure in a hood, she looked worried. She is cupping the sides of her eyes to gain an access to my just woke up visual inside the tinted car. This kid does not even know that tinted cars are for privacy. I leaned back on my seat trying to stifle my laughter as Yuri continued to do that. And when I saw the frustration in her eyes, I guess fun has its limit. So I opened the window.

 

“Ya! What took you so long! I almost thought you got suffocated in there!” She shouted at me as she enters the passenger seat. Without further ado, I grabbed the ends of her collar then pulled her in for a kiss I am dreading to do since last week.

 

I felt Yuri return the kiss and I reckon she is smiling. Cupping my face with much gentleness, I moaned. I love it and at the same time my heart is filled with unexplainable feeling of missing her. I knew that I am being such an irritation to her this past weeks as I have been busy with the Blanc promotions, cancelling her proposed dates and the unanswered calls in my phone. Perhaps, being here is not enough. Kissing her is not enough. No, I need to love her and understand her, if that is all that it takes for her to never leave me.

 

“Scoot.” She looked at me with her eyes slanted upwards. The grin she is giving me is like what a child would give his mother on Christmas gift giving. I hurriedly gave her a peck then proceeded to my rightful place in the car, it is my car but Yuri wants to drive me around. So we swapped places. Wasting the first several minutes of her driving ad me just merely staring at her. For this is all I wanted, a day in where she is the ending.

 

“You can check my phone if you want to be occupied. My face is boring.”

 

“I’m just staring at you. How are you?” I asked, never leaving my eyes on her. She gave off a wry smile, her face screams fatigue, just right now I noticed the face mask she had on her neck. She is sick again.

 

“Caught a cold. My back is sore. And I am happy for your new collection.” She momentarily glanced back at me. For many years of being this dork’s girlfriend, I can always say that her cheesy lines has an effect on me that leaves me speechless.

 

“Cheeseball.” I pouted. I grabbed her disregarded jacket by the seat then proceeded to find her phone. Not being the possessive monster everyone dubbed me as, I am just being reasonable by looking at my girlfriend’s schedules. Simple as that. And as far as I know, her messages are included in her privacy.

“You’re schedules are packed.” She indeed has a mountain of schedules. From drama filming to comeback meetings. Yuri managed to give me an obvious shrug as an answer, no need to elaborate at all. Seems like every passing second that I am able to touch and stare at her is a representation that the one who is keeping me sane is here. My grip in reality only tightens when I know that Yuri will be there to accompany me. And when I am able to let go of the grip and continue to breathe the downfall of fantasy, I can smile. Maybe because I know that Yuri will be there to catch me.

 

“It is. I have drama filming this week and we are going to Japan to prepare for the album.” She stopped the car, parked it at the secluded part of the tunnel. The look on her eyes is fleeting and I can’t bear to look away from it. I anticipated her raging breaths, she seems conflicted to utter a sentence. There is this little tinge of fear creeping in my heart but I chose not to mind it coz I know, at the end of each dates, Yuri is the one who is always tries her best to show me that she loves me.

 

“I know this time, we ought to spend it with no arguments and other side topics since this only involves the two of us. But, I want to be honest with you Sica.” Yuri turned her body facing me. She has a small smile plastered in her face as she held my hands in hers. Playing with it for a brief moment. I didn’t notice the drop of tear flowing already, I guess it sense a storm coming.

 

“I’m afraid.”

 

What? Why? I don’t understand.

 

“Yuri. I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong?”

 

“No, let me finish first Sica. Okay?” She reached out for my face to once again wipe the tears. And when the warmth of her hands left my cheeks, I suddenly felt cold.

 

“We’ve been through a lot. Together. And we passed it. Once again, together. Past few years has been a roller coaster. A dreadful experience and even up until now, it is a complete mess. We are not able to communicate like we used to in public. We are lying to our fans. And most of all, it is not the same anymore, yet I stayed. Because I know that you love me and I ing love you. But when things gets blurry and vague. I’m afraid that we may not be able to finish this race we have started Sica. One moment you were there with me, and then the next you were gone. I understand it. Believe me I do, but I’m afraid that you may not be able to love me the way you loved me first.”

 

The way her words rolled out of her tongue bangs the emotions inside my heart like a cannon. I’ve detached myself away from reality for a moment and realized that behind all of Yuri’s it’s okay, Okay baby, maybe next time, and Take care, I love you. Is the girl who is selfless and the understanding one. Admitting to myself that indeed I took it all for granted is hard, but at this moment, I am bringing my hands up in surrender. She is afraid. And it makes me frightened that because of her fear, she will learn not to trust me and I don’t want that.

 

“Yuri, that’s not gonna happen. I love you and you only.”

 

“I know.” Her smile. I hope I will have the time to relish the fact that it is for me. Savor every second that I can hear Yuri breath in my neck. And I hope, I will be given more chances, everlasting chances to love her. Because that is the only thing that matters.

 

~~

 

All this time, I have been the one who exhibits a great sense of digging a shallow argument further. All this time, I was the one who is a green eyed monster, making every bad assumptions in my brain to flow in Yuri’s ears, and all this time, I realized that I am the insensitive one. I accused her of everything, from cheating, from slacking down on me, and all the way to how committed she is to me. When in fact, she never did any of them. And by the time Yuri’s eyes screamed angry, I knew. I ed it up.

 

“How many times do I have to tell you that she is just a friend of mine? Do you really think that I would go low like that? Sica, I have numerous fights with you regarding this topic and I am tired and sick of it. I don’t know what is going inside that mind of yours that you practically gained that kind of assumption. Please, you have been away for a month and this is how we welcome our first date? Seriously.” Yuri paced at the hotel room with her hands in her hips. Despite her busy schedules she still managed to sneak her way in my hotel room just to give me