Love me Or Leave me
Artist: Little Mix

 

 

It’s tragic. 

 

I lay the spoon back down the steel counter hoping for some kind of comfort in the food that I’ve cooked. It is about 3 AM in the morning, I am alone. Perhaps it is a good thing for Mrs. Walters to lend me the university kitchen for the night. There are some things that I need to sort out, some things that I have regretted. But what makes it troubling is the fact that I don’t know if I did the right choice.

 

I have clearly added a right amount of salt and sugar to this ing stew but it still tastes awfully bland and I am on the verge of crying. I guess everything that I have put as a sign of either effort or just plain will to make her happy is enough. But I guess I am not. 

this piece of bitterness and all this sweetness, there is nothing left in the canister. I threw it away. Nobody heard it, except for me. I am always the demon of my own self anyways, I will certainly criticize myself again and again and that cycle never ends. There is a soft audible sound behind me. I looked behind me and found Taeyeon leaning on the glass doors. 

“It seems like Chef Kwon is still not home. How are you buddy? Fine?” She said as she approached me. Taeyeon lives in the dorms of the university. 

A few blocks and a few turns and a little right, the exact way to get there is pretty simple. The jacket and the hoodie that she is wearing only indicated that she went out of the coldness of the night just to give me my deserved punch. She is in a pink pajama and I always laughed how Taeyeon does not care of anything else aside from sleep.

“Mrs. Walters?” I asked and she plopped beside me, eyeing the dish which is not apparently a dish to be exact. It is a disaster.

“No. I just know you are going to be here. Are you okay?”

“Taste this one.” I took a spoonful of the dish then proceeded to hand it to Taeyeon.

“Bland.” Taeyeon says, her face screaming of distaste. Although I saw the knowing look in my bestfriend’s eyes.

“I know.” Managing to say behind her soft gaze in my eyes, I apparently tasted her pity. And then the tears flowed in my eyes. How could I manage to even say I am sorry and she’ll reply with the ‘I told you so.’

“When?” I asked, wiping the tears. For as long as I stay vulnerable in her presence, I might give the impression that I am still strong. And so, I fixed everything. Wiped every spilt effort in the cold hard steel of the kitchen.

“I’ll be okay.” I pat her in the back, going back to the path I chose to take.

——————————————————————————

I fiddled with the keys of my apartment before deciding to finally open it. I am afraid of what am I going to see once I am inside. Even though decisions have been stamped with approval already. Believing the ways of my imagination, I had a brief smile before it is washed away by the reality. 

“Have you packed your stuff yet? Jessica?” The way her name rolled over my tongue is not right. I apparently wanted to call her baby, Sica. However at this time, I am just a mere Kwon Yuri in her eyes.

She looked at me with the face of being indifferent. A look of what seems like an unfamiliar person, more so she acted like a stranger a day before. A bomb that is supposed to be detonated brought me into pieces when it dropped into my feet without any consideration of allowing me to be ready. I almost left my body when she decided to end it without any heed to my feelings.

I cowered in fear that I may have given her the things that she despised the most but knowing my track record, hardly there is not any. I tried. Really hard to be the best for her. When we engaged in a relationship where we knew how hard it is to fit in the crowd who does not want you. In the world where we could only be the one who had to hold hands and say that we belong. Minding her in every circumstance, in every outing with my friends that I had put to trash because she is a jealous beast.

“I did it all.” My mind convulses into my raging thoughts that it voiced out my opinion in her leaving me.

“Did I lack?”

“You are not enough Yuri. We never work.”

Sometimes it is better if she would just slap me all day with her arms just because I missed fetching her at school. Or it would be better if she should just punch me because I have flirted with a cashier again. Not this way where I could not feel any concern in her already cold words. I had to stop my breathing for a moment to hear myself crashing. To stop the tears, it never came out. And I am thankful to it. At least, she did not see how hurt I was. Words that didn’t hold any effect on me before came rushing down to pay me a visit. ing piece of heart.

“I love you so much. Just promise me that you will be happy.”

 

I slept on the couch that night. I don’t want to ing smell her perfume, her scent that will only cause my eternal longing for the person who does not want me anymore. In a heartbeat. I would come back to her solely. To her heart. If she will still allow me to.

 

The toga that I wore that night brighten my path towards the future. It is the classic black toga embellished with red streaks on the side. Apparently, I shed some tears with the sight of parents and my family clapping when my name is uttered in a three syllable blessing. I stood up tall, accepting the parchment with a smile. 

She looked ethereal, her lose curls that hangs in her shoulders. Her eyes that penetrated my sleeping affection in a tight embrace. I muttered a soft thank you from above. Above anyone else in the world and in the room, I only saw her. I camped my feelings at bay when I saw her unflinching gaze towards me. I bet she is proud? Hoping that she would’ve felt that emotion even in small amounts. I held my diploma towards her direction, 

“Thank you.” I say as I finally let my heart free from her hold. Even if she throw it away, I crossed the number one priority in my bucket list.

Make her happy, thank her for everything.

 

 

 

In a relationship where the both of you have given each other the love that they deserve, the trust, it is in fact the same as having the most fitted shoes you could have. In what terms of holding into each other’s journey and being able to say hello to the struggles along the way. It is a goal. In which every couple had a hard time reaching. 

I approached her with a steady smile. Longing stares that I never imagined that I would be able to make after all the pain. She is required to smile at me every time I see her, it makes me feel appreciated. In what sense would I be traumatized with what happened in my past relationship, resulting to me being a pessimist about myself and every relationship after her? I have hidden in the shadows of my insecurities. 

If I am enough and worthy? If I am worth fighting for.

“Yuri.”

“Fany.” I kissed her lips, deeply and lovingly. 

She has this awesome eyesmile and a wonderful attitude. Not rude and all the word she is saying is warm and it makes me happy in such subtle way it became my light. 

“I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“Yul, you know how much I loved you. But I think that we never work. I’m torn, I’m..”

I have retained a degree in my first grade and I exactly knew what a past tense is. She stabbed me again. A different girl. A whole different character. A ing déjà vu.

“Did I do something wrong?” I cried hard as I clutched her hand in mine. 

When the time I have thought that I found my happiness, her existence kept ruining it for me. I know I did something wrong. I have loved Tiffany in every possible way that I could think of, however it is not on her benefit. I love her with the image of Jessica in my mind. I made her my very own Jessica mirror when she is not an inkling close to Jessica.

Jessica is quiet. A silent yet passive girl who have a sharp mouth. Meanwhile Tiffany is sweet and most of all she smiles a lot. Growing accustomed to a dark gray cloud whenever I make something good have flipped my beliefs in reactions.

One time, I cried when Tiffany hugged me in the rain. The night where I told her that I have finally come to terms with my feelings, loving her despite my imperfections. Jessica never made me feel appreciated. Well, at least for me. Until I realized that she has been doing it behind the curtains. My shy and wonderful girl.