In 2015 Jiyong wakes up one morning and it’s not because he’s tired he doesn’t wan’t to get out of bed - it’s simply that he doesn’t. So he stays there. It starts simply like that, the period of months and months where Jiyong doesn’t leave his house other than to go on schedules. At first it’s only that he feels like staying at home, a month into this it’s only that he feels like staying in his bed and two months into it it’s that he actually can’t seem to get out. He feels suffocated, like blinds have been shut before his eyes, like a bag has been shoved over his head, like whenever people speak to him he’s behind glass and can’t seem to hear them clearly. The worst part of it is that it’s not Jiyong who notices that something’s seriously wrong, no, it’s Seungri of course and nobody can figure out just why all of this feels natural to Jiyong in the first place. Because he hasn’t noticed any change, he hasn’t thought about it. To Jiyong this is normal until Seungri points out that it is not. 

The staying in bed part, though, is not something he gets to do frequently however because he’s a very busy person and so instead he becomes so stressed he forgets to even shower. He doesn’t shave, he doesn’t joke, he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t even drink. He smokes a lot and Seungri wrinkles his nose at the smell but Jiyong doesn’t care which also is odd because the magnae is maybe the one thing he cares for the most. Seunghyun confronts him one day they’re in Japan and although Jiyong wants to just leave, not listen, just the fact that his only hyung amongst the members worries is enough for Jiyong to hear him out. 

He doesn’t do much to try and change though and so he collapses a few days later during a music video shoot. Waking up on the floor minutes later with too many people hovering above him makes him want to run away more than anything in the world but his body doesn’t want to respond when he tries to move. Somebody lifts him and places him in the corner of the room on a makeshift mattress of all their warm coats. His body is tired, no question about that, his head throbs alongside the rest of him and the cold towel on his forehead is annoying more than anything. 

   “It’s alright, I’ll do it”, though it’s hard to focus Jiyong immediately recognizes who is speaking and he must visibly relax because Seungri his cheek softly and smiles down at him. They’re alone in their little corner and it seems that filming has started once more, Daesung now doing his closeups, “have you even eaten whilst we’ve been here?”, and no, when Jiyong thinks of the last 36 hours they’ve been here so far he can’t recall doing just that. 

   “I must have forgotten”, he admits and watches as his lover stands and leaves him for a short minute to return with a triangle kimbab. 

   “You’ve lost weight, hyung, it’s very visible on your arms and legs”, if anyone else were to point this out Jiyong would probably deny it, but Seungri knows him so well that there is no point. 

   “Many things have been on my mind lately, you know how I am”, he says instead. His weight is something which constantly changes with his mood. In good periods he looks healthy, just like he should, with more meat on his bones like Seungri and in bad periods he often manages to lose it all in the span of mere weeks. 

   “You have never collapsed before, though”, Seungri reasons and starts to unwrap the kimbab, “I’m a little worried because you’ve also been shutting me out”, and that’s also true, everything the younger says is true and Jiyong sighs.

He looks at himself in the mirror when they are finally back home after shooting for three days straight. He looks like death, he thinks and makes a face at himself. Seungri comes into their room and it takes him only a few seconds before coming over to stand right behind Jiyong. They look good together and that makes him smile. When Seungri hugs him from behind, enveloping Jiyong in warm limbs and soft fabric from the jumper the younger is wearing, that same smile grows.

   “I’m so lucky to have you”, the words come on their own but they are true. In his life, Jiyong doesn’t need someone who doesn’t get why he does this. Why he sometimes curls in on himself and shuts the world away, how he will be there physically but not even exist as Kwon Jiyong mentally. Somehow Seungri manages to understand and at the same time accept that Jiyong’s attention is not something which will always be his, sometimes he might not seem important or loved even but Seungri seems to know that this is not the case. 

His magnae leans down a bit, kisses his neck softly and for the first time in months Jiyong notices when his stomach growls.