it's close to 2AM (2:50 when i posted this) right now, shouldn't i be sleeping? well, i'm having insomnia tonight, and it's another hard night to fall asleep. but it's okay, since it's holiday. it's already the 31st of december at my place right now.

well, losing sleep, and sleeping at 3AM or 4AM is something that is quite common in my 2016 life. i had been experiencing very bad insomnia this year. the best remedy to fall asleep is when i read. writing helps too sometimes! but i don't know if i'm going to fall asleep after writing this long message that doesn't actually matter. 

as i received notification of someone subscribing to my story, i feel really happy and seeing comments makes me smile. however, i have a problem with myself, i always ask myself: "is my story good enough?" "does my reader likes it?" "are they really complimenting my stories?" i have a lot of thoughts going on in my mind, from writing stories to my daily life and this is my biggest flaw: 

the lack of self-confidence in everything i do.

people had pointed this out to me a lot. 

they would say: "you see! why are you not confident in yourself?" "you have the talent, but you doubt yourself too much" "you're good but you always forgot to tell yourself you are good enough."

i am suicidal, not am but was. as for now, i'm not sure yet. i have suicidal thoughts a lot, but i have no intention to do end my life. 

i'm known to be a very bright person in my circle of friends and i'm somehow a social butterfly. i get along well with people. but that's just a mask. something i wear to hide my pain and sadness. 

i remember my friend telling me, ' don't spread bad vibes, spread good vibes ' and i had been living that way for 2016. i never like sharing my pain to my friends but at time i do break down. i tend to pent up my sadness and anger and once i explode, it's bad. i would be crying for hours, i reduce conversations and avoid people, i stop doing the things i like. 

if you ask people around me, what kind of person i am, they'll say:

"she's a very bright girl"

"she's a person that never fails to make people smile"

"she's a strong girl"

"she's someone who lends her shoulder for someone to cry on"

"she's a helpful girl, someone who works hard"

"she's someone who gives people warm comfort and hugs"

at this hour, people would feel sentimental, lonely, sad, or happy, any type of emotions. but not me. right now, i don't know what am i feeling. i'm just emptying my mind right now, writing about this. i feel emotionless. i'm not sure what kind of emotionless it is right now. is it the i let my thoughts and soul leave my body and find peace kind of emotionless or i dont know what am i feeling right now of emotionless. maybe both. i remember talking to my friend about me being emotionless and it almost lead to an arguement but luckily it did not.

i don't know if i'm happy, i don't know if i'm sad. i did things i love to do, but i don't know, what does it mean and feels to be happy.

i am someone who enjoy music, arts specifically performing arts. i feel at ease when i get in contact with music. it's my comfort when i'm in pain, when i am sad. i love singing and dancing. i had always performed when i was young, till high school but not anymore now. i enjoying composing as well, i'm slowly learning how to actually.

many would wonder what's my dream at this point. my dream is to be a singer, a performer. i want to sing and perform on stage. i want to be a reason for people to smile, a reason why people enjoy music and i want to inspire people. just like right now, i am tellling you little things about me. someday, i would want to stand on the stage and tell my story not by writing a story but singing a song. i want sing my emotions instead of writing them. i had been dreaming the same dream for 4 years, when i stopped p