Coffee is a strange beverage. It is popular all around the world but everybody likes to enjoy it differently. With or without milk, sugar or flavoured syrup. Hot or cold. In a cup or a glas. Depending on nationality and age, or the time and companionship its consummated in. On a cold autumn’s afternoon for example I like to enjoy a nice, big cup of ‘Café Mocha’ with lots of chocolate and milk foam. On a clear summer morning, before the heat arrives I like to sit in the kitchen with a simple ‘Cappuccino’ and look out of the window. And when I am out with a friend I always get an ‘Iced-Americano’. Though actually I don’t like the standard coffee without any addition. But I don’t want to seem extravagant or petty.  

Here you can choose between lukewarm and cold filter coffee. Depending on whether you pour in some cold milk or not.
And this absolutely disgusting, light brown mixture was the reason I now had to sit between two strangers. Just because I had stopped to get a coffee, the spot I had chosen for my first group meal was taken by Jepp.
I was not sure how to feel about the situation. Anger would be an obvious option, because of the taken seat. Sympathy towards Jepp was another, simply because he chose the same spot which meant he probably saw the same advantages in it as me. Well as it was quite a while ago I had felt anything except despair and tiredness, that question was redundant and I decided to just keep staring at the light brown liquid in the paper mug before me hoping it would help avoiding any eye contact and conversation.

Opposite of me a group of girls was talking. Among them were my roommate and the girl with the phone. They laughed and talked too loud and were drawing all the attention to them.  It was exhausting and loud and I already felt the familiar pull in my stomach, the unease, the anxiety creeping into my consciousness. Too loud! It was just too loud. The noises threatened to overwhelm me and I just wanted to cover my ears or run away but instead I dug my nails into my wrist again, trying to focus solely on the familiar mix of pain and relieve. The latter increasing simultaneously to the amount of pain so I dug my nails into my skin as deep as possible and tried to stay calm on the outside while on the inside a storm arose.

“Are you okay?”

Someone lightly taped my arm and I looked up. On my left sat a young nurse and was looking at me worriedly. I nodded.

“You don’t have to lie here, you know? If you need something, ask for it and we will try to help.” The nurse smiled sympathetic.

“I’m okay.” My voice was small. No strength was left.

“I don’t think so. Let’s go out for a moment, shall we?”, and to the other nurse, a middle aged woman, she said, “We’re going out for a minute. Are you okay on your own here?”

“Sure she is! We are all so nice, what could happen?” Haneul said before the other woman was able to answer. The whole table was now silent and everyone was looking. I felt my eyes burning. My nails dug deeper into the skin.

“What was your goal for this week, Haneul-ssi? Please don’t interfere. And we will be back in a second.” With that said she took my arm and led me out of the room.

The nurse went into my room with me and naturally sat down on the only chair in the room so I silently took a seat on my bed.

“What was going on with you just now?” I looked at my hands, now lying in my lap and breathed in.

“I don’t like it, when it’s too loud around me. It makes me nervous.”  The blond woman in front of me nodded and smiled sadly.

“That’s not unusual for someone like you. Many patients with severe depression have these kind of problems. Still it would be good, if you would participate in the group activities. It might be difficult in the beginning but I swear with the time it gets better!” I kept staring at my hands.

“I see that you are not alright right now. Is there something I can do for you?”

“I want to be alone.”, I managed to choke out. After that it was quiet for a bit. Then the nurse spoke again.

“I am going to be honest with you. I would feel really bad, leaving you now. I mean, can I be sure you won’t harm yourself while being alone right now?” I only shrugged. I wasn’t sure about that myself.

“Yes I thought so too.” Again there was a long silence.

“In your file I read that Mrs. Park, the psychiatrist at the intensive care unit prescribed you some medication if you should need it. It will keep your feelings down and I could leave you alone here and only check on you every now and then. I was told you were against taking the medication, but I think right now that is the only way the station can accept responsibility for leaving you alone in here. What do you think?”

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Thank you so so so much for your support! TEN subscribers is incredible! Sadly I feel like my writing gets worse and worse and I really hope I don't disappoint you readers...  At least it's longer this time.. And next chapter Yongguk should appear more often again. I think... I realy hope you liked this chapter!!!