As I sat in my kitchen in front of the big window, the rays of a summer sun happily caressing my face, I felt the sadness creeping into my head again. I tried to ignore it, forcing my lips into a smile, closing my eyes, taking in a few breathes. If just my mind were a little bit stronger. Or at least the medications. But as always it was just myself. Fighting against something, that seemed to get more and more unavoidable the more I fought. The only thought keeping me alive, whenever the hopelessness, this consuming sadness got too strong again, was that there would be someone damned to find my body and I wasn’t heartless enough to burden someone with such an awful experience... Now too that thought gave me the strength to get up from my chair and hopefully also to leave the house and survive yet another day at university.

But no. Not today. I felt the tears that started to form in my eyes. I just couldn’t go to university today. Not with so less strength left to get through bus rides and classes. A lump built in my throat. How was I supposed to live like that? The thought of more than two people in the same room with me, already filling me with fear. Always too tired to concentrate, but feeling too guilty, for not studying properly, to be able to sleep. Keeping up the façade, as to not worry anybody. The easiest task leaving me deprived of any vitality.

Without me being aware of it, my body moved back into the kitchen and my hands were now holding a large knife. One of the sharp knives, my father likes to use for cutting meat. If it would be sharp enough to cut through human skin?

“How can I help you, miss?”
“I think I need psychological help again.” I looked down to my arm. My left underarm looks abnormally big underneath my black sweater. I had to wrap a kitchen towel around the bleeding cut, as there were no bandages at home.
“Okay, miss. What is your name? Can I please get your ID or health insurance card? But please be honest with us! This is a hospital! If you are just one of these annoying girls that want an autograph of that poor guy, please leave and know that such behaviour is not only irritating but also harmful and can endanger the life of the people coming here to actually receive help! We had enough of you here, today! You are just keeping us from doing our work!” The nurse at the reception of the emergency room looked at me with annoyance evident on her face.
“I’m sorry? I don’t know what you are talking about, but I really think I need help.” White and black spots had started to appear and disappear before my eyes as the nurse spoke and I had to really concentrate to not start swaying back and forth. Also the talking started to get difficult as my tongue felt heavy and strange. I swallowed and tried to speak again.
“Please.. I think I tried to kill myself… But.. I know it’s dumb to end your life so early and I don’t want my daddy to be sad. And my mum too. And also what if one of them had found my body at home. I can’t do-“ ”Please, miss, did you say kill yourself? Are you hurt somewhere? What did you do? Did you take something? Please sit down! We will take-! Miss? Miss!”
The last things I heard before darkness took over my body completely was someone calling for a doctor and rushed footsteps coming closer.