I woke up to the sound of the bell ringing. I am not fully awake though but I make my way to the front door. I opened the door and something just shocked me. Someone I never expect to come again to me is now standing in front of my house. My eyes widen when I caught the sight of him.

“Hi Fany,” he greeted me with a bright smile.

This guy. I thought he was mad at me. He left yesterday without turning back and without saying goodbye. And now, here he is. In front of my house, smiling like nothing happened yesterday.

I just make my way to the kitchen. He’s familiar with my house already. He followed me to the kitchen.

“Strawberry milk?” I asked him. He’s obsessed with strawberries and he just loves strawberry milk.

He just grinned at me. Somehow, it just made my day. I gave him a glass of strawberry milk and got myself a glass too.

“Why?” I asked him. He should know that I’m asking about what is he doing here after what happened yesterday.

“Do you hate me that much? Can’t I visit you? You really want me to leave? Forever?” he replied with a slow voice. I took a glance at him and I can see his smile disappeared. At that instance, I just feel bad. I want to see his smile again. What have I done?

“No, it’s just...”

“It’s just that you didn’t expect me to come anymore? Well, I didn’t too Fany. But I don’t know why, I just ended up here, in front of your door,” he explained. I was relieved though. At least his feet brought him here to my house. At least I know he won’t leave me.

“I-I- I don’t think I’ll come here again. This will be the last time though,” he added. That, that was a shocking news to me. I feel like I was being shot by his words. I was happy because I thought he won’t leave me just now, but now, what is this?

“Why?” I asked him.

“I should let you go. I have to do it. I know your feeling towards me won’t ever change. We’re friends, and we’ll stay as friends forever,” he tried to smile though I can see that he struggling with it. He’s hurt too. It’s not only me.

“I guess I’ll go now. Take care, Fany. We’ll meet again, but I won’t be coming over anymore. Don’t buy strawberry milk for me anymore okay. That’ll be a waste and you’ll miss me then!” he tried to crack a joke. I don’t feel like laughing. Of course, we always buy strawberry milk for him because usually he will just knocked on the door and make his way to the kitchen and get a glass of strawberry milk. Of course I’ll miss that.

He came to me and pulled me for a hug. This warmth. I miss this so much. Not long after that I heard him sobbing. I don’t even dare to let go of the hug and look into his face, I know I won’t be able to see him crying like that. Slowly, I patted his back wishing his sobbing will slow down. It did, anyway.

He broke the hug and keeps on looking at the floor. He make his way to the front door and... he left. Just like that.

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“Tiff, are you sure you’ll be okay?” Jessica asked me.

“I’ll be okay Jess, don’t worry!” I replied back and force a smile.

“I don’t trust you, that’s why I’m worried. Anyway, I have to go now. Please take care of yourself okay, Tiff. I might be home a bit late because one of my friend invited me for a dinner. Take a rest,” Jessica advised me and left.

I’m not feeling well. It’s been a week. I feel weak, and my body’s temperature is high. I went to the doctor but it’s not getting better. So I just stayed at home, doing nothing but wishing that I’ll feel better soon.

It’s been a week since I fall sick, and it’s been a week too since I last met Hyukjae. As he left my house that day, I feel like half of my heart was taken away with him. I passed out and luckily Jessica got home earlier and she saw me lying on the floor unconsciously. She called the doctor and the doctor told me I was actually too depressed and that caused me to passed out.

Jessica, as expected, was the most worried person. She took care of me, for days and she even skipped a few classes though I told her not to. She’s just the greatest friend ever. When I told her about what happened earlier regarding Hyukjae, she was so surprised. She never thought I’ll be like this because of Hyukjae. She even had the idea of telling Hyukjae about me. Obviously I won’t let her. I don’t want him to know that I’m sick, I don’t want him to get worried.

It’s not that I never passed out before. I did. A lot of time. Especially when I was feeling so down after that tragedy. But she knew that was all because of Siwon. She just never expected I’ll pass out because of Hyukjae. To be honest, I never expected that too.

I gathered all of my courage back after the tragedy with help from Jessica and Hyukjae, and when Hyukjae told me he’s leaving, I just feel... Hopeless. I feel like there’s no reason for me to live anymore. Siwon left me, and now it’s Hyukjae. The two person who used to make me smile, and now the two of them just left me, alone.

At nights, I cried my heart out. The tears never stop falling from my eyes. I keep on regretting all of this. I regret it for not telling Hyukjae that he actually have a chance with me. I regret for not letting Siwon go after all this time. I regret for not letting myself feel the happiness that Hyukjae brought for me. I regret almost everything. I wish I have the gut to pick up the phone, dial his number and call him. I tried that, a lot of time but in the end I just hung up. I’m still a coward afterall.

I’m not surprised that I got weaker from day to day. I don’t even have the motivation to feel better. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve just die. I feel like this is not worth it at all. I wish I can just end it all now because in the end I know I’ll die. Dying because of my own mistake. Dying slowly. Sadly but true, the only person who can make me feel better now is Hyukjae and only him. But I guess he’s serious about leaving me. He never tried to contact me at all. He never texted me anymore. Maybe, maybe he’s just serious. He really make up his mind.

Somehow, I wish he’ll walk into my room and tell me he’s not leaving. But all of that, it’s just a dream and will remain as dream. 

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I'll update tomorrow. 2 more chapters to go :D