"..." 

Byunghee turned his head slightly, trying his best not to look at the desperate hope shining in the maknae's eyes. 

Seungho was watching one of their MVs. Mirror, actually. One earplug in, the other out. The doctor had said that if he was exposed to things that could trigger memories ... 

"It's ... a good song," Seungho said uncertainly. "I can recognise your voices, at least." 

Even smiling feels awkward now
Everything feels empty
What do I do? What do I do?

"It's only been a few days," he said, trying to offer some comfort. "I can already sense that I was close to you. Don't stress too much, okay?" He turned back to the screen. 

It hurts so much, what do I do? I pretend to be okay without you

"Yeah." Byunghee​ swallowed - the word had come out more uncertain and apprehensive than he had imagined. "Yeah," he tried again. "It'll come back. Soon." He looked at Cheolyong again. 

I’m doing well, as if I’m happy
People around me ask about you
I don’t know but
I’m sure you’re doing well too
I’m so busy, so much work to do
I have no time to think about you

But why this song? He thought. 

Why did the lyrics have to be so true?

Why did it have to resemble everything? 

Why was it made ... for them?

I laugh like a crazy person
Then pretend like nothing’s wrong
As a day passes

How accurate. Byunghee turned his head slightly to look at the maknae, who had unconsciously started to cling to his arm without knowing halfway through the song. 

Even when I pretend that nothing’s wrong
But I can’t hide my heart because of my sad eyes 

"Soon," he whispered under his breath. 

I’ll forget you as the days go by
But my heart still hurts, what do I do?

Of all songs, he thought ruefully. But then, most of their MVs and performances were with ... The other two. He swallowed.

I pretend to be okay without you ...

The MV blinked into a black screen and the credits began appearing. 

Byunghee turned away again so that he wouldn't see the broken look in the youngest member's eyes.

Seungho hesitated, and Byunghee already knew what was coming. He almost reached out to cover the maknae's ears, but refrained from it. 

"It feels weird hearing myself sing," he said. He gives them one of the "leader's-reassuring-smiles" and says, "But I do recognise the song a little bit." 

Cheolyong nods, and quietly says, "The doctor says that having exposures to memory holding things will help. So ... If you have free time you can come and talk and we can tell you anything." He swallows. "Or you can keep watching the MVs."

"We're MBLAQ?" Seungho asks. Byunghee nods. "We're MBLAQ."

He turns around to say something to the maknae but he only sees the open door. Cheolyong must have gone out. He turns back around to Seungho. "I have to go now, but we'll be back later." He stand up, moving his chair to the side of the room and playfully salutes. "See you later, uri leader!" 

He almost runs out, and turns his head, trying to find where the maknae went. He can only see a flood of doctors and nurses and surgeons in blue and white uniforms, masks over their faces and different instruments around their necks or hanging out of their pockets or being pushed along on metal trays. In the corner, another patient with his face covered is wheeled into another room. 

The walls are a blinding white and smells of cleaning liquid. 

He hates hospitals. 

"Cheolyong?" He says aloud, twisting his head and standing on his tiptoes to try and see above everyone else. He liked to think of himself as relatively tall (of course, as the years went on and more and more rookies debuted every day, he felt like they were getting taller and taller. But at least he's not the shortest in their group ... If only by one centimeter) but he still couldn't see the familiar mop of hair that was their maknae. His maknae. 

Maybe he went outside? 

Byunghee shook his head and began weaving through the crowd. He didn't recall so many people being here - he was used to being back in the dorm, left alone by the manager most of the time, not having many schedules or promotions as they used to do. And with only three of them ... It was even more spacey and empty than before. 

His stomach twisted, and he changed his train of thoughts again. 

Cheolyong might be in the garden? Did the hospital have a garden? Some hospitals had gardens. Quite nice gardens even, small, big. Their dorm didn't really have a garden. Cheolyong might be in the -

It had been noiser, more cosy almost, with the five of them. 

Cheolyong might be in the garden, he thought forcefully, almost accidently saying it out loud. Reaching another glass door, his thoughts were confirmed. Pushing the plastic handle, there was a click which he couldn't hear over the hissing of whispers from the people around him, and the door opened. Byunghee stepped outside, relieved that it wasn't crowded anymore.

Usually he didn't mind crowds, but there was just something about the hospital crowds that he hated. It was so stifling. And to think that every person had a friend or a family member or even themselves who needed to be in the hospital in the first place ...

Wait, what was he doing here again? 

Right. Byunghee shook his head. Cheolyong. 

Wandering through the neatly cut lawn, he rounded a slight corner and spotted an apple tree, with a small wooden bench beneath it, a scattering of leaves covering half of the tabletop. And sure enough - there he was. 

Breathing a sigh of relief, Byunghee hurried over. The sound of his footsteps alerted the maknae, who glanced up hurriedly. "Oh. Hyung?"

"Hey." He brushed a pile of leaves off onto the grass and sat down opposite him. "Where'd you disappear off to?" 

"The beeping of the machines was annoying me," the maknae said after a prolonged pause. Clear as day, Byunghee could tell he was lying. He pretended not to notice the redness around his eyes as he nodded. "Me too. The doctor says he's physically stable enough to have the heart monitor removed by the end of this week though." He tried to smile. 

Cheolyong fiddled with his shirt. Byunghee was suddenly struck by how young he looked - how small, how vunerable. Like a lost child. 

"Hyung - wait, never mind." The maknae shook his head as Byunghee looked up questioningly. "Hm?"

"It's nothing," he said again. Byunghee narrowed his eyes slightly. "Come on, you can tell me."

The younger boy sighed. He spoke so quietly that Byunghee could barely hear it at all. 

"Maybe it's for the best if Seungho hyung doesn't remember at all."