Requested on: 13.04.16

Finished on: 25.05.16

Author of the Story: BlueSapp

Story Title: You Got Spooked!

Review by: Suhyo07

Total Score: 80/100

Title (10/10)

At first glance, the title is pretty good. It isn't overused or anything, and it's definitely unique. I could also see the link from the title to the story, so that's a really good sign. However, I would recommend you to highlight/capitalize the main points only, so if it were me, I would do this instead: 'You got Spooked!' Though both ways are fine, so I'm not complaining.

Foreword (9/10)

The description was quite interesting and attracted my attention. But as I read on, I realized that your description only described the first part of the story, but didn't say anything and might be off topic about the second. Did you write your description first, and then left it hanging in the air while you write the rest of the story?

As for the foreword, you described the characters, which was okay.

Plot (26/35)

To be honest, the plot was a little confusing. You change it from one scene to another so suddenly, sometimes I had to read back to see what you were talking about.

However, most of your plot was easy to read, but the flow was either too fast or just stopped so suddenly. Also, a few of your paragraphs had a few holes in it, meaning it had something missing. For example, the Sport's Day. There were a few things I was confused by, like the beaded pouch Jumie had. Why did she suddenly ran back to the school for it? If her belongings were so important to her, why was it forgotten and covered with dust andd cobwebs? And what about Namjoon's injury? Did she neglect the fact she actually had to get it for him?

Also, sometimes I'm not sure what you were talking about and had to go back a few paragraphs to understand the plot. Next, did you know that the principal's name was changing from Son to Lee? I understand if you wrote Son in the first chapter, (say for example) and then Lee in the next chapter, but why did it change back to Son again? Did the principal change all of a sudden?

Next, it's about how interesting your story was. It wasn't until Chapter 12 that I was eager to read the next few chapters and the first twelve I had to skip a few parts to finish it. Sometimes, it's better if you build up a instead of one exciting part, normal life, and exciting part again. Sometimes, I couldn't even see the connection between these. I hope you can change your plot a little.

Characters (17/20)

I would say that Jumie's personality was definetely unique; few would imagine having a spooky heroine. I could see how she was if she's a real person; spooky, actually shy and can't open up easily, but wouldn't hesitate when her friends or belongings got hurt or were lost. Just like a Scorpio. (Sorry, I'm obsessed with Zodiacs right now...) However, I wasn't so sure in Chapter 14; how much strength would she have to throw a cafe table at a man? In that chapter, everything was a little strange; I suggest you change the fighting part a little so it would be more believable. Also, in Chapter 8, wouldn't she be too poor to afford perfume?

Yoongi was potrayed well; he was the demon student president that no one was really fond of and eager to please his parents because of his brother, Yongjun blocking the way, had a secret passion for composing and his only friend was the vice-president. However, because you wrote him as really cold, I was curious to how he could have a favourite dongsaeng, Jimin. It may have been written for the story, but I think you write a tiny bit on how Yoongi and Jimin met, because he didn't strike me as the kind of person who would go out of his way to see the lower form students.

Namjoon I could relate to. In my opinion, he was the most '3-D' person out of the others, because of his easy-going personality and going stressed over Taehyung and Yoongi. People were fond of him because he was caring and polite, unlike Yoongi. This was clearly shown when there were a lot of people worried about him. However, if you're going to relate to the real Namjoon, then you could portray him as less caring and a little badass, and he might have composed something as well. If you're not, then you don't have to add anything.

Jimin was the mischevious elf who could turn angry or scared from one second to another. His mood swings frequently from one direction to another, which was sometimes a little confusing to read.

Lastly, Chanmi. She was hiding a lot, from what I've read, which might've been mysterious, but because her personality was so positive, it was hard to know. All I'm sure of was the fact she was Yoongi's crush once, so she might have something that Jumie didn't, and she was generally outgoing and didn't mind speaking her mind.

Grammar (16/20)

At first glance, your grammar was good for someone who's not an English native, and the mistakes could be overlooked without any problem. However, if I looked closer, I could see some minor mistakes, which could be corrected if you read what you've written again.

1. Changing the tenses.

You weren't the only one. Almost every story I've reviewed had made this mistake. You might change from one tense to another, which wasn't surprising, but try your best to stick to one tense. True, it might not be confusing to read, bt it's still important to mind the tense. I recommend you to use the past tense, because there's more of it in the story, and most stories use past tense as the main tense.

2. Vocabulary

Your vocabulary wasn't bad, but it seemed like you knew more basic vocabulary than advanced, and you're trying to use the advanced ones. Dear, if you can't use it, no one would judge you. It's better if you know it and use it, then just randomly using the similar ones. Such as in Chapter 1; '....comprehend the guy's real attention.'

Wasn't it supposed to 'intention'? Definition of attention; notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone something as important or interesting, while intention meant what someone was meaning to do. Also, still in chapter 1, there's no such thing as following after someone. It's either following someone or going after someone.

3. Typos

Not really noticeable, but would be better if you could correct them. I think you were trying to say 'instinctively', but you kept writing 'instinctually'. There's no such word, dear. Be mindful of that.

Chapter 2; 'Stapede' to 'Stampede'.

4. Prepositions

Add some prepositions; I would've thought you were allergic to them. For example, Chapter 1; '...terrified when she felt a jacket thrown on her head.' It should've been '...terrified when she felt a jacket thrown over her head.'

'As she swung her legs from the armrest...' to 'As she swung her legs away from the armrest.'

There are a lot more but I won't be going into detail.

5. Others

You sometimes left out some words, such as chapter 3: 'are trying to say that I'm old and frail?' to 'are you trying that I'm old and frail?'

Also, there were some words that you added 'ed' or 'ly'. Actually, adding 'ed' doesn't necessarily mean that it would be changed to past tense, and adding 'ly' doesn't mean it was changed to adjectives.

Add apostrophe 's'. Sometimes not adding those would mean something else entirely.

Overall enjoyment (2/5)

This story was a little confusing and it might be a little hard to read. However, the plot was interesting and Jumie was a unique character. I'm looking forward to your future updates and hopefully, you might have a quicker development.

 

Reviewer note: I'm sorry for the late review > <, and if I sound a little weird, it's because the stupid laptop kept running on its own and making my life so miserable I want to throw it out of the window, except it wasn't mine.

 

Thank you for your request and please credit the shop with our banner or with a remark to the shop!