Requested on: 09.05.2016

Finished on: 16.05.2016

Author of the Story: Vwifey

Story Title: Falling for TWO

Review by: Suhyo07

Total Score: 58/100

WARNING: Harsh comments following. You have been warned.

Title (8/10)

The title was pretty good; it pretty much concluded what the story was saying and wasn't showing or revealing much. However, like I've said before in one of my reviews, it was easy to see what your story was about. Also, what's up with the stars and sudden caps for TWO? It's kind of weird and made your story look childish. That's why I knocked points off.

Foreword (8/10)

The foreword was all about the characters, and what was going to happen was in the description, but that's it? I think you should add a tiny bit more for your story to soud appealing; like, Jeon Jungkook, cousin of Jung Aeri and an annoying, cocky brat. Or something like that.

Plot (21/35)

The plot was boring; I almost fell asleep when I was reading it (no offense but yeah), and the only thing that was keeping me awake was your grammar.

I could see how the plot was going; basically school stuff that Jungkook acted like the bully and bad guy while Taehyung was the weird but friendly and kind guy, right? But it was so simple, without much plot twists, which you could almost guess where it was going. Anyways, the love triangle was clear enough, but Aeri didn't seem to notice how the boys felt about her. Also, having Catherine was a little weird, but suitable. I mean, who uses a name like Catherine in Korea? It would be nice to add a bit of background information.

And popping out the cat part was strange and out of nowhere. Was it to show how gentle Taehyung was?

And this was so typical K-drama style (no offense to K-drama fans). Like, two boys chases after a girl, girl chooses one of them, one boy ended up being depressed and I bet Aeri was going to fall for Taehyung, and Catherine would slowly approach Jungkook, then he would realise how wonderful a person she was and love her, right?

At any rate, you should make this more interesting; it's too boring and annoying to see the same thing repeating itself.

Characters (11/20)

As far as I'm concerned, the idols' personalities seemed alright; they were similar to their human counterparts. Though I could only see that in a small part of your story. All of the characters seemed to have the same personality, which was really boring. Also, they were really shallow; why were they giggling at everything? When you feel offended, angry or annoyed, I'm not sure you would giggle. Also, they seem to switch between different personalities; Aeri was annoyed, and suddenly she was acting cute? It's so confusing.

Taehyungs's mother was quite confusing as well; what did you mean by she promising with her son that the room should be locked for privacy? So far, every parent I've known was eager to keep their children's doors open because they would like to see what they were doing.

Lastly, at the start of the story, we could see Mrs Jung in the kitchen, and she said, "....that stupid brother of yours."

No mother would call her child or any child stupid, not even when he or she was acting stupid. Hopefully you know that and make some changes.

Grammar (9/20)

I apologize for giving you such a low mark, but I honestly couldn't find any way to increase it. Your grammar is lacking in many ways, and I gave up on trying to correct it halfway through the third chapter. I could see your improvement in the second chapter, but why did it get worse in the third chapter? Please proofread it or ask for a beta reader.

First, you seem to mix up 'on' with 'at', 'an', and more prepositions. Here's an example:

'Taehyung immediately blushed and put the phone on his pockets as fast as lightning.' (Chapter 2)

It should have been this: 'Taehyung immediately blushed and put the into his pockets as fast as lightning.'

Next, I found you have a habit of changing and switching between tenses. Stick to one tense and use it, or you will make the passage or story very confusing to read. Such as:

'A boy shyly enters the class and it was that boy who Aeri almost kiss today...' (Chapter 1)

There were three mistakes in this passage; 1) From what I see, most of your passage used past tense, so it should be like this: 'A boy shyly entered the class...Aeri almost kissed today...' 2) Use of pronoun was a little wrong. '...it was that boy whom Aeri almost kissed today...' 3) 'A boy shyly entered the class and it was the boy whom Aeri almost kissed today....'

Third, there should be a time when you use plural forms and when you don't. Don't go around adding 's' to anything not needed. Last time I checked, we don't have butts, only a . (Okay this sounded a little weird XD)

Fourth, please use commas. There were a lot of sentences that, without commas, would sound really weird. Or actually, without any punctuation. Like this one, ' "What reaction are you talking about Jeon Jungkook?"She asked back.' (Chapter 2)

The correction should be this: ' "What reaction are you talking about, Jeon Jungkook?" She snapped.'

I also changed your vocabulary, which was what I'm going to talk about.

I'm 99.999% sure that you're not a native English speaker just from reading this passage, because your use of vocabulary was quite immature and childish. You kept using the same words all the time. Instead of saying 'asked back', you could use other words related to anger, impatience or annoyance, such as snap or retort. Also, about this sentence: 'She shouted and moved her feet slowly towards the other room beside her (room) while yawning.' (Chapter 2)

'She shouted, turned around and shuffled back to her room while yawning.' Wasn't that more simple? Instead of emphasising with simple phrases, you could always use some better vocabulary to say it.

In this passage, you either emphasised too much or too little. How would you describe a 'boyish scent'? Could it be like this; '...she could sense a sweaty and quite stinky smell; a boyish scent and.....' As for the 'too much' part, sometimes you don't have to say 'she ate the crunchy toast and munched it inside , she didn't even react to it.' Instead, it could be like this: 'she munched the crunchy toast that tasted like cardboard in .' There were several phrases like this in books; tasting like cardboard means that it tasted like nothing, and it could replace the not reacting part.

Next, minor mistake: 'greet' should be 'greeting'. A greeting was something you greet someone with. Greet was the verb, and greeting was the noun.

I don't think you should use 'sir' for addressing the teacher. Try using Mr something.

There were other mistakes as well, but I would leave it there. You could use Microsoft Word or a good beta-reader to correct the others.

Overall Enjoyment (1/5)

I have to say, I didn't enjoyed the story much, and it wasn't only because of your grammar. The only thing I found enjoyable was the plot, though even that was at a minor scale. At any rate, I think you should try adding some plot twists, make the characters more distinctive and change your grammar. Even though I saw your readers' responses, which were mostly positive, I think you could attract even more subscribers and readers if you make some changes. Good luck on writing~

Thank you for your request and please credit the shop with our banner or with a remark to the shop!