Requested on: 22.11.2015

Finished on: 03.05.2016

Author of the Story: kailuvexo

Story Title: Don't Ask

Review by: Suhyo07

Total Score: 76/100

 

Title (7/10)

It's a little mysterious, but I don't think it would attract much people because unless you read the story, you can't really see how 'Don't Ask' is appealing. And Don't Ask what? It might be the 'point' of attraction, but it wasn't really clear. 

And one more thing: the title's a bit predictable. When you see titles, sometimes you go 'oh so that's what they were gonna write about. That's it. Not my style', and this is one of them. If there's a plot twist or entirely different things in the story, then I suggest you change or add something. 

Foreword (8/10)

The foreword's quite good, I'll give you that. However, I think you should add a few more points on who they were in the school, and what they do, instead of just describing their personalities. Though personalities were the main point, so I'm not really complaining. 

Plot (31/35)

It's really interesting! I remember laughing and grinning over the whole story when I read it. It didn't progress too fast, which was good, and the contrast between the characters were clear. Though it's a little bit like the Korean drama type, like rich boy falls for poor girl, poor girl loves someone else, blah blah blah. 

I could see the opening was planned (well if you didn't it's still good), but as I read on, I sometimes found you writing about the same thing over and over again. And don't elaborate the parts where it wasn't really that interesting, like the three of them arguing about the 'deal' when it was just something minor. If it really make such a difference to Jongin or Seoyeon, then I suggest you add more emotional scenes or just short phrases that describe that. 

Following up to the previous point, you should write more on the parts which would either influence the future chapters or the story, like Kyungsoo covering Seoyeon with his blazer. Why would he do that? Shouldn't she wonder more about it before Taeyeon breaks her chain of thought? And besides, if you would like to portray Seoyeon as a poor but talented girl, then describe her quality of life a little. Bring it out of her school life and focus on her daily life, write a little, but enough to give insight to her life so as to emphasise on it. 

Also, where's the part after Seoyeon kicked Kyungsoo in the (clear throat) manhood? Shouldn't there be something else after it? I mean, he could clearly use that as ual assault for a reason to get her into detention. 

One more thing; what happened after Irene found him? He cried on her....and that's it? There were a lot of parts like this, where it was starting to get interesting but suddenly bang....it ended.

Anyways, I think that more emphasising and emotions were needed. 

Characters (11/20)

Characters. To be honest, I think you knew about their true personalities, but I don't think you brought it out pretty well. Kyungsoo was satansoo as normal, wicked and merciless, but also a small teeny bit of kindness shown from him covering Seoyeon with his precious blazer, no surprise, but Jongin. Urgh, I'm not sure how to make of him. I know you're trying to make him the handsome and cool football team captain, but goofy and acted like an idiot sometimes, but it's just so...so weird. A girl sticks her head into your stall and you just suddenly decided to date her? What kind of plot was that? He could be goofy, he could be dumb, but no boy's gonna do that. Trust me. 

Actually, I'm really annoyed that you kept switching from personality to personality. In chapter four, when she was arguing with Kyungsoo, there was suddenly the shouting part of debating whether she was an airhead or not, then it was back to her sassy and sly self. It's so strange, everything you write seemed to be jumping back and forth and it's confusing and sometimes annoying.

Seoyeon's personality was the rebellious type, and I'll give you a thumbs-up for that. However, from her change of being a rebel to being soft-hearted for Jongin, shouldn't there be some inner thoughts as well? It's strange that she didn't think of anything.

As to Taeyeon, it's pretty much alright, because you're thinking of her as a . Which is good, considering you're comparing her with the ever so hardworking Kyungsoo. 

Grammar (16/20)

I want to give you one word: PREPOSITIONS. 

Yep, I know I'm really annoying because I'm basically a human proofreader, but I just can't stand it when people left out significant parts of grammar, and one of them is called prepositions. 

Take this as an example:

"Seoyeon began to wheeze and gasp for air as if all of the oxygen were taken away her tiny lungs." (Chapter 2) 

The correct phrase should've been 'Seoyeon began to wheeze and gasp for air as if all of the oxygen were taken away from her tiny lungs.

And there were other mistakes as well; like this:

"She could hear her heart throbbing faster and louder, it was as if it could beat out of her chest this instant." (Chapter 2)

The 'it was' could be taken off, and the sentence would be 'She could hear her heart throbbing faster and louder, as if it could beat out of her chest this instant.'

Throughout the chapters, I discovered that you really liked to use their names instead of pronouns, so Seoyeon could be changed to 'she' or 'her' which would be better instead of saying Seoyeon and Seoyeon.

Last thing: Try to change the order of your words, like this:

"...Kim taeyeon just was a no good popular girl." (Chapter 3) could be changed into this: "Kim Taeyeon was just a no good popular girl." Though honestly, this phrase was a bit weird; if it's me, I'll turn it into this: "Kim Taeyeon was actually just a no good popular girl who....".

Just some other points I thought were worth mentioning:

Your writing style is very descriptive and nice, especially for describing the scenery and view, but on the people, not so much. Try to describe more on the characters, and use the same kind of writing for the others.

Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

Okay, I actually enjoyed the story, which was really good, but I found it boring in some places where you especially made it really long and stuff, and it just made me lose interest. Though I could see where it was going, sometimes it might be confusing. However, I'm looking forward to your other chapters, which hopefully would have a development. Good luck on writing!

 

 

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