To: Kim Taeyeon

Shinsa – Gangnam-Gu,
583-3 신사동 Seoul, 서울특별시

South Korea

 

From: Tiffany Hwang

257 S La Cienega Blvd,
Los Angeles

United States of America

Hello, Taeyeon

It really has been such a long time; I was very surprised to receive your letter in the mail, especially in this day and age. Anyone would’ve texted or called; but you’ve always been like that – stuck in your own world. Some things just never change, uh?

I’ll apologize in advance for my bad Korean; it has been a while since the last time I spoke it let alone write it. If my skills were bad back then, I’m sure they must be atrocious now – I still haven’t forgotten the ‘mushrooms incident’ and I think neither did you; after all, you loved teasing me about it.

How is Seoul? How are you? Have you finally quit the industrial doses of ice cream you used to eat? I’m going to assume yes, since you haven’t overdosed on sugar yet. What about gummy worms? Is your kitchen cabinet still stocked up with those? I think you’ll end up going bankrupt from buying too many packages.

I heard from Hyoyeon that you’re working as a columnist for an arts’ magazine now; that you finally got your first exhibition a few months ago. I hope it was successful; you have always been so talented… I still have that painting you sent me all those years ago, you know? It’s on my living room wall and it’s quite an attention catcher; I suppose a detailed portrait of my face is bound to get that effect, though. Everyone that lays eyes on it falls in love with it just as fast as they get curious about the genius behind it – but I’ve never told them who the artist was. I guess a part of me is still possessive of you – old habits die hard, uh?

I never really opened that boutique; nor am I a famous designer – I honestly chuckled at the thought of you wearing those weird designs I made; I can’t believe you actually still wear them – but it certainly warmed my heart that you seem to cherish such things. I’m a stylist and fashion consultant for a modeling company; it wasn’t ideal at first, but I’m rather satisfied with the path my career has taken now.

Needless to say that I haven’t gone jogging by the beach everyday; I gave up after the first week – you know me and exercise, right? But I did try all the coffee flavors and I think I’m eating even more snacks now than what I did back then, if that’s possible. I’m thinking of joining a gym soon, though; working with all these young models makes you re-think some of your habits and I’m not ready to settle for growing old and fat just yet.

Am I still loud? Of course! I only seem to get louder with the years, in fact; or that’s what Yul keeps telling me anyways – and yes, she definitely looks like a burnt toast, it’s rather hilarious. What’s truly amazing is her abs; now those, you should see – good God, they’re to die for! But don’t tell Jess, I told you that. She’d probably choke me to death (and I know what your ert mind is thinking; but I can assure you I wouldn’t enjoy it if she were to do it). You should get back in touch with them; they miss you.

Sooyoung? How could I forget her? I’m really glad those two are finally tying the knot; I remember the schemes we had to pull off just so that bottomless pit would gain the courage to ask Sunny out. Those were fun times, no doubt.

Thanks for asking about my family; how is yours? Everyone is alright over here. Although no nephews as of yet, I know Michelle has been trying, so I should have one soon enough. I’m really excited, but also nervous considering all my history with children. I’m really hopeless with them, aren’t I?

Are you still as quiet, Tae? You know, nothing reminds me of you quite like the bliss of silence – if I close my eyes, I can still see your expression tense as you lay gentle on a big canvas; I can still feel the delicate touch of your paint-filled fingers against my skin – but those are just bittersweet memories now.

I thought of calling many times, but I never found the courage to do so – nor did I really have a reason to do it; all that is left are tainted feelings anyways.

I want to tell you that yes, I have found someone and I’m very happy; we might be getting married soon. But I’d be lying if I say you don’t linger on in my heart; that I still don’t miss your embrace when things go wrong or your smile when things go right. I’d be lying if I say I don’t crave your lips – that I don’t think of them, when I touch myself in lonelier nights – that you don’t burn alive inside of me.

There isn’t a single day that goes by in which I don’t miss you and everything about you – about us – but what I miss is all trapped inside of memories acted out by versions of us that I don’t recognize anymore. I know that the person I envision when my mind wonders to you has ceased to exist; I, myself, am not the same person I used to be – for better and for worse we live in two worlds apart that cannot collide; it would only bring us more misery – we simply don’t work together.  

Yet, here I am writing to you; fighting the urge to do something that could complicate things even more. Deep down, I want nothing more than to just call and let myself drown in your voice; to get on a plane and melt in your fingers as I scream against your lips.

Remember that poem by Christopher Ramsey that I showed you? Shouldn’t, it was. There’s a part that goes like this:
 

Shouldn't hurt but it does
Shouldn't need to try but I do
Shouldn't chase memories but her face and the feelings still haunt me
Shouldn't still need you but I do
(…)

 
I now understand it well. You’re everything I shouldn’t and, therefore, everything I won’t.

I hope you will always keep me in your heart as a little reminder of your first love; but don’t keep me as your dream – because you’re not mine anymore. I hope you find someone who can truly appreciate you; you deserve to be loved and cherished, never doubt that.

I’m sorry we just can’t be; I'll always love you and forever hope for your happiness, TaeTae.




 

With as much love, T.

—————————————

Tiffany rested the pen on the desk; her heart feeling lighter, yet heavier than ever. She chuckled bitterly as she remembered Dolly Parton’s words:

Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.



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A/N: Here is Tiffany's response to Taeyeon's letter and the last part of this story. I hope you enjoyed ~