Forgive me for being awfully late!

Wednesday

The next morning is uncomfortable. Luhan is on the elevator with him, and Kyungsoo has never felt so small in his life than in that moment, being ignored by Luhan. He knows Luhan would take the same bus as him, so he chooses to walk instead and risk being late instead of enduring more of the hatred that seemed to be coming off Luhan.

But it seems that Luhan has the same idea as him, because they both begin walking in the same direction as they get out of the building. He’s already past the bus stop when he notices that Luhan had walked past the stop too. Luhan notices him in that moment as well, but before either of them can change their mind, the bus speeds past them in the direction of the campus. They share a brief look before Luhan rolls his eyes and continues on his way, walking in front of Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo follows quietly.

It  that they have so many classes together, because Kyungsoo has to endure the scowl that seems permanent on Luhan’s face, even if he hasn’t directed it straight Kyungsoo—opting to not look at Kyungsoo at all—he knows the scowl is there because of him, marring Luhan’s handsome face. He had hoped that Luhan would have been calm enough to talk by now, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

As the day progresses, the scowling is not so much scowling anymore. Luhan just looks incredibly troubled, and it’s worse, Kyungsoo thinks, because all this time he had been so focused on the anger he had caused Luhan, completely neglecting the thought of all the hurt the rejection would have conjured as well.

At the end of the day, Kyungsoo decides to kill time in the library, to avoid another awkward run in with Luhan. As a fourth year major in music, he doesn’t really spend much time in the library, only going there occasionally for printouts or photocopies. He roams through the fiction aisles looking for a book he’d remembered reading years ago. One that Luhan had recommended to him.

A story about someone who thought his love was unrequited and when he found that it was indeed returned, it was too late. He thought it could perhaps be considered unjust commentary on his own situation with Luhan, only instead of not knowing Luhan’s feelings, he didn’t seem to know his own until too late.

He finds himself looking at the aisle with authors whose last name starts with ‘H’. ‘I’ must be the next aisle, he thinks to himself. He mindlessly wanders over and begins scanning the tags. ‘IO’, ‘IP’, ‘IQ’, ‘IR’, ‘IS’, ‘ISH—’

The clearing of a throat makes him jump and almost bump into the shelf behind him. His eyes meet Luhan’s and he has to look away. It seemed that Luhan had chosen to avoid him the same way as he had chosen to avoid Luhan. The exact same way, because Kyungsoo could see the title of the book in Luhans hand—The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro.

“Looking for this?”

Kyungsoo shook his head, in an obvious lie.

Luhan smiled sadly at him before sliding down to sit with his back against the shelf, legs stretched out in the narrow aisle, as much as they would go. To Kyungsoo’s surprise, Luhan tugged on his hand. He hesitantly sat down cross legged next to Luhan, staring down at his lap.

“I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. I overreacted instead of listening to you properly.” Kyungsoo looked up. “I knew you were hurting, but I still made it about me, and I should have known better than to sleep with you too, when you were so vulnerable. That’s probably the reason you’re so confused about your feelings now.”

“I don’t regret it,” Kyungsoo blurted out, red colouring his cheeks. “But there is something I regret. I shouldn’t have said those things to you yesterday. I should have trusted my gut instinct. I don’t want to be apart from you.”

Luhan frowned. “Kyungsoo you said yourself that you didn’t know whether your feelings for me were real or not.”

“I want them to be real. I don’t ever want them to go away.”

Luhan ducked his head, blush, matching Kyungsoo’s.

“I guess you could say… you’ve got… a crush on me, then?” Luhan teased.

Kyungsoo snatched the book out of his hands and attempted to smack Luhan over the head with.

The latter held up his hands in surrender, laughing softly.

“It’s not a crush, ,” Kyungsoo told him. “It’s much ing more than that.”

“Have I ever told you how cute it is when you swear?”

Walking home together, was refreshing. Kyungsoo was happy they had cleared things up so easily. And he was happy to be able to say he was happy. He didn't know how long it would last before the reality of the ty hand he had been dealt in life would be back to haunt his thoughts but it wasn't there in that moment and he wasn’t going to ruin his own contentment. They walked close, side by side, hands brushing until Luhan made the decision to hold Kyungsoo’s and Kyungsoo chose to intertwine their fingers. Luhan's hands were small, soft. He really liked the feel of them.

But their moments of euphoria were cut short when they exited the elevator on their floor and found Junmyeon pacing in the hallway in front of Kyungsoo’s door. Kyungsoo only barely registered Luhan stepping slightly in front of him. It was ridiculous—he knew Luhan couldn’t fight—courage, unfortunately couldn’t counter strength. And Junmyeon wasn’t weak.

The professor seemed to be fuming at seeing them together, holding hands. But his temper didn’t seep into his tone as he spoke.

“It’s late. Where have you been?”

“I was at the lib—”

Luhan cut him off. “You don’t have to explain yourself to him, Kyungsoo. He has no power over you.”

Kyungsoo hung his head in an attempt to escape Junmyeon’s gaze. He had cared about what Junmyeon thought of him for so long that it still had such an effect on him, even as he tried to move on.

Luhan began pulling him to his own door, since Junmyeon was still blocking Kyungsoo’s, but Junmyeon grabbed Kyungsoo’s other arm and pulled back.

“You’re not going with him.”

“Junmyeon… please let go.” He was grateful that Luhan hadn’t decided to keep pulling him, as he already felt that Junmyeon was going to tear his arm right out of his shoulder.

“You’re hurting him!” Luhan hissed.

Junmyeon released the arm and Kyungsoo fell back into Luhan, who caught him unsteadily against his chest.

“This isn’t over. Don’t think I’m about to let go of you so easily Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo rubbed his arm with tears in his eyes as Junmyeon left their sight. Luhan gently pulled him inside and took him straight to bed. He helped Kyungsoo out of his uncomfortable clothes and wrapped him tightly in a blanket.

“We should go to the police about this. I mean the least we can get is like a restraining order right? We could say he’s stalking you. I’ll be your witness and Jongdae and Minseok can give statements too if we need them to. Does it sound okay?”

Kyungsoo nodded numbly. It sounded perfect, because he wouldn't have to go through it alone. He couldn't imagine that he'd have been able to escape Junmyeon on his own. He hadn't realised that Junmyeon practically had him trained to do as he says, and if he hadn't had Luhan with him today, or if their conversation the day before hadn't been interrupted, he was sure he would give into whatever bull Junmyeon would have fed him to get him back. It was a scary thought, not having complete control of his mind and actions, being completely vulnerable to someone that didn't have a single good intention.

Comfortable and safe only with Luhan's arms around him, he fell into a fitful sleep, fortunately devoid of dreams that he just knew would have been nightmares.

Thursday

The police station was a daunting place. Kyungsoo had never been in one before, and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to visit one. Getting the restraining order proved to be a tiring task.

They were asked to wait at first. Even though it didn't seem to be busy at all, the man at the counter told them they would be called when it was their turn. Twenty minutes later (though it felt like much longer) they were finally giving their personal information to the cop at the desk and telling him they wanted to file a restraining order. After some tedious paperwork they were asked for Junmyeon's info—anything they could give would be helpful—but they'd only gotten to saying his name when the cop at the desk stopped them. He searched something up on his computer and frowned.

“Is this Professor Kim Junmyeon that you're referring to?”

Kyungsoo nodded.

“Okay, have a seat.”

“But we haven't—”

“Please take a seat, I'll let you know when everything has been processed.”

Kyungsoo felt dejected. He hadn't even given the cop the rest of Junmyeon's information yet—address, phone number etc.—that he had seen very clearly labelled in the form the cop was using. He and Luhan sat down, glum moods forming a hazy cloud around them not seeming to affect the environment in the station.

The cop they had been talking to stood up and went over to talk to a man not in a uniform, but instead dressed nicely. Someone who probably called a lot of the shots. They looked over at the pair waiting for them before returning to speak in rushed whispers. They broke away and the cop came towards them and called them back over to the desk.

Kyungsoo wasn't exactly in any way hopeful about getting much out of this. But he definitely didn't expect getting nothing at all.

“I'm sorry,” the cop started. “I can't process your restraining order.”

“What?” Luhan spoke up. “Why?”

“Professor Kim is a respected man, both within and out of his field. I'm going to have to ask you to leave him alone and out of the problems you're facing.”

“He is the problem Kyungsoo is facing! He is the one who needs to leave Kyungsoo alone, not the other way around!”

“Don't you know it's a crime to lie to a cop?”

“Lie?!”

“Luhan, please,” Kyungsoo tugged on his sleeve. “Let's go. I- I can't be here anymore.”

One look at Kyungsoo's face had Luhan reconsidering whatever fight he had planned to pick with the cop. They left the station, confused at the rejection from the people who were supposed to keep them safe, and at being accused of lying.

Luhan was fuming the entire walk back to their building, talking about the justice system. They got their things and attended their afternoon classes and Kyungsoo stayed with Luhan in his apartment until late in the evening when Luhan had to leave to meet up with a group of his for one his classes.

“You'll be okay?”

Kyungsoo nodded.

“I wouldn't leave but I have to perform on Saturday and—”

“Don't worry about me.”

“Okay… I'll try not to.”

----

Kyungsoo wasn't okay.

Only half an hour later he found himself back at his own apartment rummaging through the alcohol that Junmyeon kept in his freezer. Getting drunk seemed to work for most people. So it should work for him too right?

It did for a while. With his head fuzzy as he watched an episode of a show he had never seen before, but thought he might check out—maybe Luhan would want to watch it with me—he could barely register his own grief. He was distracted enough to not realize he should have been pacing himself. But since he felt fine, half lying down on the chair closest to his TV screen, he continued kept gulping down small amounts at a time—whiskey was gross, but it was unfortunately pretty much all Junmyeon drank.

A knock on his door reminded him he was alone. He giggled slightly to himself, thinking of how Luhan might be upset at finding Kyungsoo like this, after a tiring day of hard work. He wasn’t exactly happy at the thought of making Luhan upset. He just couldn’t control the giggling spewing from his throat. Red in the face, he heaved a breath before flinging his legs to the ground and righting himself. It was the wrong decision. Everything spun. As the knocking continued, he blinked rapidly until his vision was in focus and only slightly swaying. Standing up was easier, he did it slowly. But he had to walk with his palms against the wall to avoid falling over. Eventually he made it to the door.

At least he didn’t feel like puking.

Giggles started up again, as he heard the knocking sounding slightly erratic, almost frantic. But it wasn’t Luhan standing on the other side of the door when he finally opened it. His eyes went wide and he could feel his stomach sink with dread, the giggles dying in his throat. He tried to shut the door as fast as he could but Junmyeon’s arm shot out to push the door back and keep it open. He didn’t anticipate Kyungsoo to be incapacitated and uncoordinated, so the force of the push knocked Kyungsoo off his feet and onto his .

Kyungsoo hissed slightly as his tailbone came into contact with the bare floor and he didn’t notice Junmyeon step in and close the door, but when Junmyeon reached out and placed a palm on Kyungsoo’s cheek he flinched and crawled back until he was against a wall, the alcohol sloshing unnervingly in his stomach as he did so.

“Relax,” Junmyeon told him, closing the distance between them again, even though it was obvious how much Kyungsoo didn’t want that. “I just want to talk.”

Kyungsoo squeezed his eyes shut. He could hear himself squeaking out the words ‘go away’ repeatedly. At least he hoped he was saying them out loud. He couldn’t be entirely sure.

“Aw… is my baby drunk?”

Kyungsoo opened his eyes at the tone Junmyeon was using with him, trying to hold back from sniffling. He shook his head.

“You’re so cute when you’re drunk.” Junmyeon’s hand was his hair now. He leaned into the comforting touch, eyelids fluttering shut again. “Always so sensitive, so responsive, so needy…”

Kyungsoo pulled his knees up to his chest and felt Junmyeon lean his torso against them as he came closer. “No I’m not.”

“So stubborn too.” He felt Junmyeon’s mouth at his jaw. Junmyeon was right, he was sensitive, responsive, needy. And Luhan was right too, he waseasy. To be fair to Luhan, he hadn’t actually meant to imply that Kyungsoo was easy, but Kyungsoo wouldn’t blame him for thinking it. But he didn’t want to be.

So he pushed Junmyeon as hard as he could. He was too hot, too disoriented, and Junmyeon was too close. He was going to explode and not in any possible good way. He could feel the incessant panic starting to rise in him, like the alcohol in his bloodstream, he felt the anxiety spreading to every cell in his body.

Junmyeon sighed. “Come back to me Kyungsoo. I’ll take care of you. I’ll leave them and you’ll leave Luhan and we’ll be each others. Only each others.”

“You’re lying!” Kyungsoo cried out, louder than he intended, but he was concentrating on not spilling any more tears over Junmyeon. He knew he had failed when his hot cheeks were tickled with salty liquid that dripped down his cheek and into his parted mouth. He finally opened his eyes again. Junmyeon’s angelic face, the expression of trust that he had fallen for countless times, was only a breath away.

“I can’t lie about how much I love you.” Junmyeon took hold of Kyungsoo’s hand and raised it to his chest. “Feel this? My heart races only for you.”

Junmyeon’s heart truly was beating fast. Kyungsoo couldn't be imagining that. The dreaded, vulnerable question passed through his mind. Does he… care?

Everything he knew said no. But memories of his infatuation with the older man flooded his thoughts. Memories of how easy it was to just believe Junmyeon.

So, yes, I'm late, and yes, I . I've just been ridiculously busy and exhausted for the past couple of weeks, literally passing out the second I get home from work and I don't write well when I'm tired.

But I had time today and wrote this and about half of the next chapter so just know that my motivation to complete this isn't gone! (Even though I'm not sure how I want to end it yet)

Anyways, enjoy! And leave feedback or curses whichever you prefer I probably deserve the latter for making people wait.