Hyunseung's POV

The boys ring the bell again. They shouldnt be here, i was reminded yesterday not to have any contact
with them for the time being by the management. 
And what are they doing being outside on these chilly morning.
I opened the door, "hello hyunseung ah - yoseob waved. all five of them trudge in hurriedly.
Doojoon was the last to come in. he closed the door, look at the peephole then look at me.
"do you have hot cocoa? - he rubbed his hands together.
I nodded and turned around, all three of them sprawled all over my living room.
I walked to the kitchen, then saw dongwoon searching for something among my cutleries.
he sensed me in the kitchen.
"hyung, where's your pot? i need to warm up this soft tofu stew my mom cooked for us before it gets cold.
-he's still rummaging for it.
i took out the pot from the top cupboard and gave it to him.
even in this confusion, i am actually looking forward to dongwoon's mom hot soft tofu stew,
in this cold morning with this hangover.
i was making five cups of hot cocoa, when junhyung called up from the living room,
"you have beer?
i do. but drinking it in the morning is not good for any of us now.
"i dont. im making hot cocoa
yoseob came in the kitchen,
"you went drinking with jiyoung hyungnim yesterday?
"i did. 
he took an apple from the fruit basket, "you're up early today? are you (look at me up & down) going out?
i finished stirring all five of the hot cocoas, "no, i was in the shower when i heard the bells ring.
"hyung, help me carry this pot outside. its ready! - he sort of cheered.
I took out a tray and put all the cups on, bowls etc. We are in for a spread, dongwoon's mom not just
cooked my favourite dish, she also packed for us rice. I took out some kimchi from the fridge.
"Yah hyungs, come and eat - dongwoon called the rest of the guys.

We sat around the dining table. Just like the old time. We've played poker, carrom, beer pong,
so many games on this wooden table.
"Gikwang, this is yours, (i gave him his hot cocoa)
Gikwang always has his drinks less sugar. 
He took his mug without looking at me.
Junhyung sat at the seat beside me. The last time i talked to him was when i told him ive signed the papers
He left a few missed calls, left a few texts, i didnt return any. infact i didnt make any calls eversince that day.
Dongwoon sat on my right, Gikwang sat opposite him.
Yoseob sat facing me and doojon sat on his right, Dongwoon has started scooping the stew for us.
He hardly do that, we werent very particular about hierarchies, that was something we all agreed upon 
eversince the start of Beast.
"lets dig in - doojoon said
After a few mins, doojoon asked " you saw the news?
" i did. silence.
"but we are okay right hyung, - dongwoon asked. i can sense his eyes on me.
"i am but you guys are not supposed to be here
"why not - yoseob asked still slurping his stew
"because if the media found out, i owe cube sajangnim an explanation
"you too were asked by them not to see us? - doojoon looked at me.
i nodded. "you were too? then why are you guys here, - i stood up
"because we are friends, we are not here because we're a member of Beast, atleast i am here,
because im your friend hyunseung ah - junhyung snarled at me.
"junhyung ah - doojoon spoke
"no doojoon, i dont understand. i still dont understand your reason of leaving, but 
i will respect that. i will. but what is more frustrating is, you act like we were only god damn colleagues.
we've been through so many things together, ive called you so many times the past few day,
why is it so hard to return my call? - he spoke between his teeth. 
he didnt look at me whilst he speak. he look forward at doojoon.
i sat down on my seat. silence.
"the soup's getting cold guys, lets .....
"we all know you're hurting. We wont be able to take that burden off you, but we've tried hyunseung ah.
the more we tried, the more you push us away. we are hurting too. everytime you pushed me away,
i get hurt too. everytime when you're not with us, i hope you're somewhere safe. you are wrecking yourself,
even with us nearby. what more without us around? - gikwang looked at me.
i looked at him.
"i dont want a sorry from you today hyunseung ah, you are not the only one hurting here -
i am sorry, i am truly sorry guys.
"okay. lets clean this up first guys. you two have anything to add? (doojoon looks at dongwoon then yoseob)
they both shook their head, "thanks for the food dongwoonie - yoseob 

"but im really sorry gikwang ah. im really sorry that i had to make the decision to quit.
im sorry i didnt keep to my promise. im sorry that i keep on apologizing. (i put down my spoon)
i wanted to return your call junhyung ah, but i know you will want answers, and i got none. 
none that can make things better than it is now. i know you guys are hurting too, and that pains me more
than anything. 

"i know how you (i looked at doojoon) talked to the management so many times to give me
more time to think, i know how you (i looked at yoseob) commented on the hate articles defending my action,
and you (held dongwoon arms) keep on sending me cute encouraging pictures of yourself
throughout these past months. but i felt more useless instead. like i couldnt even take care of myself,
and had to involve all of you in my problem. (i hold onto my spoon again) 

"i am a mess now, i have been in a mess long ago, eversince, eversince my father's death, 
and i try, i tried everything i could, id moved in with my mum & geurim, i had to be strong for them, 
i need to get to work cause i cant stand one more day of my mum wearing my late dad sweater to sleep. 
or when geurim hold back her tears everytime my mum prepared my dad favourite coffee every morning.
i realised that i dont have vivid memories with my dad. he left the world and i cant bring him back.
i cant create new memories with him, he's gone. forever. (my voice cracked) i was lost.

"so i tried clinging on to what i knows best. dancing, singing, performing with you guys.
but every time i perform, instead of finding peace from it, its as if its mocking me. 
i choose this life over my dad's.  7, 10 years gone by without me making any memories with him. 
(junhyung's held my shoulder, tight)
and suddenly i hated singing, i hated dancing, i dont want to be on stage anymore. 

"i went to see a psychiatrist three months ago. i never told anyone about this. only Jiyoung hyung knows.
I dont want to add to your worries. the doc said that i am suffering from depression. i knew it.
he encourages me to be more expressive, so i did. i uploaded more pictures on my instagram,
i was happy for awhile, but id forgotten. my job, our job. the reporters, the media,
they acted upon it. they scrutinize all my actions, i get carried away, i got fed up, i challenged them
i do more of the things that would create more buzz, 
(i remembered liking a few explicit photos on instagram), they dig up all my past solo performances,
they accused me of taking drugs, of my performance encouraging little kids to use drugs,
then the petition, the fans wanted me off guys, and i couldnt take it anymore. I let them down too, 
i turn them to hate me, when they used to love me.  

"i asked the doc to prescribe me more medicines but he couldnt. I went out of the clinic, lost & confused.
The moment i reached home, i know i had to leave this idol world, for now. Something that i used
to love doing is the reason why im broken down now. (i dont realize, that i am sobbing, and dongwoonie
is patting my back).

"yah... - yoseob came over and hugged me from behind. 
"im sorry - i whispered. 
suddenly, i was embraced by all five of them simultaneously. 

i didnt realize actually how much i needed this group hug until today.