Gikwang's POV

im waiting for junsu hyung to pick me up.
he's been checking up on us, doojoon and me eversince we told him about our calamity.
he was the only person outside of Beast whom id trust since day one.

i had sense hyunseung was not himself while we were promoting Good Luck.
i didnt probe any further because id know he just went through probably one of the toughest turmoil in his life.
how many years does it take to mourn over the loss of someone you'd love so dearly but
you'd felt that you had never done enough for them when they are still alive?

i remember practising with him for our duet song, Let it snow, in 2010. 
We practised from early morning, to the next early morning. both of us are perfectionist.
we might seem aloof and naive on camera, 
but our passion for dancing changes us as soon as the song starts.

I breath to dance and he lives to dance. 

Because of that we were always pitted against each other when Beast had just debuted.
Because of that also, we became closer and our respect for each other grows.
We opened up to each other on one of the many late night practices we had then.

"i think we got it, i said while lying on the floor in the practice room.
"you think? are you staying here or going back to sleep, he asked while still practising his choreography
while looking at the full blown mirror surrounding us here.
"you'll be staying here again? - i asked.
we have been camping out in cube ent for the last 4 days, i was exhausted and my body's all sore.
i needed my bed. im sure hyunseung probably need it as much as i do.
"i just need to redo this dance here (while showing it to me) i feel like i could do better.
i looked at him.
we were only 3 days away from the finale concert. i understand that is all the nerves talking,
"why? you can go, i just need a few more hours, go, get some rest - 
"you need to rest too hyunseung-ah, you will get sick even before the concert if you continue....
"im okay gikwang. i will stop after this. 
he'd made up his mind. nothing i will say can change it.
thats something ive learnt about him after years of being his friend/colleague,
is that once he have made a decision, he will stick through with it until the end.
"okay then, ill make a move first. id clean up then ill be going
he gave me a nod through his reflection on the mirror.

i had to take a shower before i make my way home. 
i quickly took a fast one and was about to exit from the buildng when id noticed i didnt bring my hp along.
the hallway at 3am in the morning is quite scary, 
so after i cursed at myself repeatedly, i make my way towards the practice room asap.
i saw from outside hyunseung was lying face down on the hard floor.
"i forgot my handphone. ish. lets go hyunseung ah, i wait for you to wash up, we'll walk out together.-i exclaimed while walking in the room.
i took my handphone and turn towards hyunseung
"Yah, hyunseung stayed still.
i shook his body, he was unresponsive, i turned him face up. he was in cold sweat.
"yah, yah, yah! i slapped his face. he was still not moving.
one hundred and one thing has clouded my mind, i was about to dial the ambulance,
"water, water, - hyunseung stutters meekly.
i quickly took out my bottled water from my backpack and feed it to him,
colours seem to get back to his face. he wanted to sit up,
"no, you lie down hyunseung ah, i will call the ambulance
"im okay. im just abit dehydrated, i guess. - he panted
"you're not okay. can you please listen to me? 
he hold my hand.
"what if i wasnt here hyunseung ah, what if i dont turn back, what if .....
he loosened his grip on my hand.
i called and gave the paramedics our detail.

after i finished with the call, i sat beside hyunseung.
"my family will be at this concert. my mum and sister called me yesterday. they told me they will be coming.
they told me, my dad will be coming too.
i looked at him. all of beast members know how hyunseung's dad oppose to his idol life.
He was never present during any of the family meetings pertaining to Beast. 
He made it clear when he came down once before Beast debuted to talk to Cube CEO to not let hyunseung debut.
It became a huge commotion on that day that we never talked about it again.

"I wanted to prove him wrong. he stop talking to me when i told him i wanted to learn to dance.
when i failed the audition with Big Bang, id never have any conversation with him,
i felt like ive failed him. i know he feels that i can never succeed here after id failed previously. 
i know he feels that im wasting my time.
i wanted him to see me doing what i love, and be proud of me. 
i wanted to make sure i get everything right this time, even the littlest thing.
i dont want any single mistake on the day later. this is a big deal gikwang ah.
he havent watch my performances or even talk about me to my family.
my sister was in tears when she told me that he's coming. i dont want to dissapoint anybody.
i need to give my all, everything. - he wheezed on every word with whatever energy he had left with.

i hugged him.
"you are doing great hyunseung-ah. we have been practising whenever we can. you did awesome.
you dont trust me? 
he return my hug.
"your dad will be proud of you. we will make it happen. we have always give our all in all our performances.
he will be proud of his son when he sees you later.
he hugged me tighter.
"dont keep it to yourself next time. you know junhyung is always worried about you, even though he's 
the closest to you as compared to the rest of us, he still worries. dont try to carry your burden alone.
we are in this together. all six of us. you're no superhero, yah.

we went on with the show. our fans loved it. 
although hyuseung's dad didnt wait until the concert ended to meet us, 
his mother showed us a picture she took secretly,
of an almost smile on his dad face when hyunseung was performing. 
that was enough for hyunseung to shriek loudly in the back room, and gave me squashing hug.
the rest of the members were all smiling, we were all happy for him.

my handphone buzzed. Junsu hyung is downstairs.
i had hopes that hyunseung's's disinterested toward our activities will pass.
Early this year, he start to miss out on so many group activites, without any valid reasons.
He would always say he was sorry, i would brush it off when he texted he was sorry.
But the last time he said he was sorry, the last meet up we had at Junhyung's,
i was angry. 
i was not going to take sorry for an answer.