Chapter 8

-

“The desire for intimacy is the desire to share one’s innermost self with another.”

Yoojung hugged her tightly before she left, face buried into her shoulder. Somi gave her a light kiss on the forehead. “This year will go by before you know it.” The brunette smiled as she let go. Their earlier conversation back at the stables flashed through her memory.

“Have you been thinking about it?”

Yoojung already knew what ‘it’ was. She nodded slightly, very weakly.

Somi’s face brightened. “So?”

“But, Somi, you’re leaving.”

The younger one pouted. “Ever heard of long distance?”

Yoojung bit her lip. “I…”

Somi sighed. “I’ll wait for you.”

Yoojung widened her eyes. “You don’t have - “

“If you don’t want to do long distance then we can wait until we’ve both graduated from high school. I can come back to Korea.” Somi proposed. “I really do love you, Jungie.” She said sincerely, grasping Yoojung’s hand that was feeding Haru and turning her so she could talk to Yoojung face to face.

The brunette felt her heart flutter but the feeling of guilt overcame it when her mind automatically thought of Doyeon. She couldn’t bear to look at Somi in the eyes. “We have another year to go.” She mumbled.

“I can wait.”

“Can you?” Yoojung replied. “What if we both start liking other people?”

Somi hesitated.

“Jungie, you like her, don’t you?”

Yoojung looked up. “What?”

“Doyeon. You like her?” Somi asked. Yoojung gulped, choosing not to answer. Somi knew that her silence was a ‘yes’.

“You can’t have us both - you’re going to have to choose.” Somi frowned. Yoojung tightened her fists.

“I know. You think I don’t know that?” She clenched her jaw. “It’s not easy.”

Somi reached forward and took Yoojung’s hands into hers, kissing the girl’s knuckles. “Jungie, I’ve known you for all of my life.”

Yoojung pulled her hands away. “Somi, I - I can’t do this right now.” She shook her head, her heart being pulled in all sorts of directions. “I’m sorry.” Her lips quivered. Somi sighed and nodded. “Okay.”

Somi was annoyed - how was Yoojung going to like a girl she had just met? Somi knew Yoojung since she was born. It didn’t make any sense to her.

The right choice was right in front of her.

Somi left to go to her family’s house, not wanting to be around Yoojung whilst she was aggravated seeing as she was set to be leaving very soon. Yoojung gladly let her.

Jieqiong wrapped an arm around Yoojung’s shoulder as they watched Somi rush off into the airport.

“We’ll see her soon.”

Yoojung took a deep breath and nodded, hearting pounding.

After the two hour ride to get back to their town, Yoojung and Jieqiong sat on a stack of hay in the back of the barn.

“I’m all ears.” Jieqiong said after a moment.

Yoojung looked up in surprise. “What?”

“Yoojung,” Jieqiong laughed. “I’m your best friend. I can tell when you’re distressed.”

Yoojung blinked.

“Plus, Somi wasn’t acting like herself, either.” Her smile dropped slightly, leaving an awkward one. “So, what’s up?”

“I love her.” Yoojung blurted out.

Jieqiong nodded. “I know that already.”

“But… I also think… no, I know that I like Doyeon.”

Jieqiong’s eyes widened. “Wait… you do? You like her? Yoojung, are you forreal?”

Yoojung nodded. “Jieqiong, I’m serious.”

“You… have feelings for both of them.”

Yoojung nodded to confirm it, wincing at how it sounded out loud. Jieqiong then pouted.

“Where’s all the love for me, then?”

Yoojung punched her shoulder. “Jieqiong!” She complained.

“I’m kidding.” Jieqiong rubbed the spot Yoojung hit her in, laughing a little. “So, what are you going to do?”

“Nothing.” Yoojung shrugged.

“Nothing.” Jieqiong repeated skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

Yoojung nodded her head. “It’s the better choice.”

“So... instead of breaking one heart, you’re going to break two.”

Yoojung furrowed her eyebrows, frowning. “That’s not… I didn’t…”

Jieqiong sighed and leaned forward, looking Yoojung in the eyes. “Please tell me your mentality on this choice of yours because I am lost.”

The younger one moved back, putting space between them. “I think… I think that even if I did choose one of them, my feelings for the other would still be there. And that’s not fair to either of them.” She explained with a shaky voice.

Jieqiong returned to her original spot. “Impressive.”

Yoojung’s frown deepened. “Jieqiong, now is not the time for jokes.”

“No jokes.” Jieqiong raised her hands in mock surrender. Yoojung glared at her. Jieqiong dropped her hands and smiled to the brunette. It was a genuine smile.

She reached over and pulled Yoojung into her embrace.

“I think it’s mature of you to make that choice instead of running in circles.” She hummed.

“Really?” Yoojung mumbled into Jieqiong’s shoulder.

“Really.” Jieqiong chuckled.

They were quiet for a moment.

Jieqiong spoke up as Yoojung moved away. “How are you and Doyeon?”

Yoojung was caught off guard.

“You and Somi seem alright and now she’s on an airplane to the states but…”

“I don’t know.” Yoojung answered honestly, picking at the straws of hay beneath her. Should she tell Jieqiong about the police at Doyeon’s house?

“I feel like I’m… like I have to walk on glass when I’m with her.”

“Yikes.” Jieqiong commented, making Yoojung roll her eyes. Jieqiong gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder. “It’ll all go back to normal soon enough.”

As normal as it could be.

-

When Yoojung got back to her house, Doyeon was still sat in her bedroom, staring at all the drawings and photos on her wall from when she, Jieqiong, and Somi used to let their imaginations run wild.

“Hey,” Yoojung said softly, catching the attention of Doyeon. The girl gave her a small nod, expression blank as ever. Yoojung bit her lip and took off her jacket, setting it down on her swivel chair before joining Doyeon on the bed. “Did you eat lunch yet?”

Doyeon shook her head, making Yoojung frown.

“It’s nearly four, Doyeon,” she mentioned. “Come on, let’s go get something for you to eat. I’m sure there are leftovers downstairs.”

She carefully took Doyeon’s right hand into her left and tugged her up. Doyeon followed without another word. They were the only two in the house as her parents had gone off to work.

“You want some pasta?” Yoojung asked as she bent down to look through the fridge, pulling out a plastic container.

Doyeon shrugged.

“Okay, pasta it is,” she decided, a bit unnerved at the fact that Doyeon wasn’t giving her verbal answers anymore. Yoojung didn’t push her about it, though. Whoever those people were at Doyeon’s house had obviously done something horrible to her and Doyeon was shaken up.

Once she microwaved a plate of the pasta for Doyeon, she slid it in front of the girl at the table and sat besides her, handing Doyeon a fork. Doyeon began to eat as Yoojung scanned the girl’s face. She had been crying, if her red, puffy eyes were any sort of evidence. Yoojung felt her heart clench.

“Do you want to come feed the horses with me after this?”

Doyeon nodded.

“Okay,” Yoojung smiled, turning her gaze away and deciding to stare out the window where the sun was starting to set.

When the last of the hay was gone from Doyeon’s hand, Yoojung began walking to the entrance of the stables.

“Let’s take a walk,” Yoojung hummed, waiting for Doyeon to catch up with her. “I think we both need some fresh air and time to think.”

Doyeon’s eyes snuck a peek at the dimming sky and gave Yoojung a worried glance as they headed to the forest just beyond the small stable. Yoojung let out a smile and took hold of Doyeon’s hand.

“Relax,” she said. “I grew up going through this forest. I know the path by heart.”

It shouldn’t have been so easy for Doyeon to trust Yoojung, but it was. And then they were off, walking into the forest when it was quickly getting darker and darker.

Doyeon, admittedly, was terrified. The dark scared her but the warm hand entangled in hers was like an anchor to her, not letting her fall too deep into the dark abyss.

It was about twenty minutes into their little walk when Yoojung stopped walking to sit down on a large rock. Doyeon sat besides her, instantly feeling Yoojung’s head on her shoulder.

They sat in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts.

Doyeon spoke first.

“Why don’t you ask me?”

Yoojung didn’t lift her head from Doyeon’s shoulder.

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to tell me anything,” she replied.

Doyeon gulped, unconsciously squeezing Yoojung’s hand that was in her lap. “Aren’t I?” she whispered.

Yoojung moved away, staring into Doyeon’s dark eyes. “No, Doyeon,” she shook her head, her voice concerned. “You shouldn’t feel forced to say or do anything you don’t want to do. Do you understand me?” she tried to get her point across, eyebrows furrowed.

The taller girl’s lower lip quivered and she bit down on it to stop it.

“Oh, Doyeon,” Yoojung cooed gently, letting go of Doyeon’s hand so she could wrap both arms around the girl’s waist, holding her close.

Doyeon sniffled.

Yoojung looked up from their position. “Promise me that you’ll only tell me when you feel comfortable in telling me?” she lifted up her pinky.

Doyeon wrapped her own pinky around Yoojung’s.

Yoojung smiled. “You have to stamp the promise,” she said, lifting up her thumb and wiggling it. “Stamp it.” she ordered.

Doyeon lifted her own thumb and pressed the pad of her thumb against Yoojung’s. Yoojung let out a giggle and let go of Doyeon’s waist, wiping the tears from Doyeon’s face with the softest of touches.

Doyeon in a sharp breath before exhaling it shakily. Yoojung just figured it was because she was crying, but to Doyeon it was because Yoojung’s face was so damn close to her own.

Yoojung put some distance between them after a few moments and looked up at the tree-tops. Doyeon looked at the girl’s profile, easily noticing the worry in her eyes and the crinkle of her forehead.

“Are you okay?” Doyeon asked softly.

“Huh?” Yoojung snapped out of her daze, looking at Doyeon. “What? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” she let out a weak chuckle.

“Don’t lie,” Doyeon whispered.

Yoojung let out another chuckle and shook her head. “I…” she trailed off.

“Somi said she would wait for me,” she mumbled. “So we could be together once she comes back after graduation.”

Doyeon stayed silent because she felt like closed up on her, her heart beating harshly against her ribcage.

“I don’t know what to do,” she mumbled heartbreakingly. “She broke my heart, you know? But then she comes back and tells me she didn’t mean to and that she actually liked me back then and was just scared and… and… I still…”

“You still love her.” Doyeon finished her sentence for her. Yoojung gulped audibly with a small nod. Doyeon shuffled a little further away from Yoojung. It was clear to her what Yoojung would do next. If she loved Somi and Somi also had feelings for her, what more was there to it?

But why did she seem to distressed?

It suddenly seemed like a struggle to breath for Doyeon - something that was natural and subconscious had become something she had to actually think of doing. She inhaled and exhaled quietly, keeping her emotions in check.

Yoojung pushed herself off of the rock and walked past Doyeon. “Let’s go back,” she said.

When she didn’t hear Doyeon’s footsteps behind her, she stopped and turned.

“Doyeon,” she called out to the girl who was sitting in the same spot Yoojung had left her in. “Come on, it’s getting late.”

Doyeon bit the inside of her cheeks and started to walk, her legs feeling weak - like they’d break under her weight at any moment. She let out a shaky breath.

“Yoojung?” she called out quietly. It was the first time Doyeon had said her name. Yoojung stopped walking just as Doyeon had.

“What is it, Doyeon?” she asked softly, noticing the girl’s shaking hands and nervous demeanor.

“How do you…” Doyeon trailed off, looking away from Yoojung. “How do you know that you… have feelings for someone?”

Yoojung’s eyebrows shot up at the question before she regained her composure. Yoojung had remembered she made a mental note to herself to avoid extreme reactions when it came to Doyeon - another precaution to make Doyeon feel more comfortable around her.

“Well,” Yoojung cleared . They were still pretty deep into the forest, the moonlight barely illuminating their faces. “You just… you feel really happy around that person,” she explained. “And you want that person to be really happy… and you’d do anything for that person to be happy.”

Doyeon’s jaw tightened as she noticed the faraway look in Yoojung’s eyes - assuming she was thinking about Somi whilst she was explaining this.

She shouldn’t have asked.

But Yoojung kept talking.

“And you notice the little things about them - something you wouldn’t normally notice for anybody else... And your senses are abnormally stronger around them - you’re more sensitive to their touches and you listen more closely to their words,” Yoojung said, voice shaky. “And sometimes your heartbeat picks up… or your stomach does this fluttering thing… or you blush a lot.”

The smaller one gulped as she maintained eye contact with Doyeon, the dark eyes staring intensely into hers. “But those are only just some obvious indicators that you have feelings for someone.”

She bit her lower lip.

“Why do you ask?” She asked tentatively before quickly talking once more. “You don’t have to answe - “

“I never liked anybody before.” Doyeon spoke in a mumble.

“Before?” Yoojung questioned. Had it been anybody else, Yoojung wouldn’t have noticed the brief sight of wetness lining the bottom of Doyeon’s eyes - but this was Kim Doyeon - and Yoojung noticed it. The girl continued to walk without another word and Yoojung frowned. “Doyeon,” she called out.

“Doyeon.” Yoojung went to reach out for Doyeon’s wrist, circling her fingers around the girl’s skin. Doyeon stood still, not turning to face Yoojung.

The brunette walked in front of the girl, staring at her face. Her cheeks were stained with tears - very little of them - but enough of them there to worry Yoojung. “Doyeon, what’s wrong?” she cupped the girl’s face and wiped away her tears using the pads of her thumbs. Doyeon took a step away and found her back pressed against a tree, shaking her head vigorously.

Yoojung took slow steps forward, not wanting to frighten Doyeon. “Doyeon, it’s okay. I’m here, okay?”

Doyeon closed her eyes tightly and gasped as she opened them, seeing Yoojung right in front of her, looking up with genuine worry flooding her eyes.

“Doyeon.” Yoojung didn’t know what else to say. Doyeon closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the tree, gulping.

“I don’t want to see you right now,” she mumbled.

Yoojung couldn’t hide her hurt, her facial expression dropping. She wasn’t expecting such a rejection, especially not because Doyeon was so fragile at the moment.

“What?” She asked, heart heavy. “Doyeon - “

“I don’t wa - “

“Why?” Yoojung’s eyes were watering up, her voice cracking. “What did I do? Did I do something?”

Doyeon took in shaky breaths. “Yoojung, please.” The girl was so close to her that she could feel her body heat radiating onto hers.

Yoojung sniffled, her heart feeling like it was torn. She hadn’t felt this heartbroken since…

“Fine,” she whimpered, respecting Doyeon’s request. Doyeon opened her eyes and looked down at the smaller girl. “But it’s late and I don’t want you to get lost. At least follow me back to the barn,” she whispered, head hung low. “Just pretend I’m not here.”

Yoojung’s breath hitched as Doyeon grabbed onto her wrist, stopping her from turning around.

Silence enveloped them as Doyeon mustered up every ounce of courage in her body to talk to the brunette.

“You make me feel comfortable,” she whispered harshly - as if it were a bad thing. Doyeon felt like the bomb that was ticking inside of her ever since she said her first word to Yoojung was finally going off. “You don’t make me feel pressured.”

Yoojung stared at her with blurry vision.

Weren’t those good things?

“Yoojung, I’m not used to being comfortable,” Doyeon clenched her teeth, “ - but I got used to it around you.”

She stared at the ground as she spoke, her jaw visibly tightening every few seconds. It was hard for her to talk. It felt like with each word she spoke, a tiny chip of her heart fell off.

“You…” Doyeon’s voice wavered. “You make me feel things I’ve never felt before - or - or things I don’t remember when I had last felt.”

“And I don’t deserve any of it.” Doyeon tightened her grip on Yoojung’s wrist, looking up to meet her eyes.

Yoojung couldn’t think straight. First, Somi and now, this? Her emotions were sprawled out everywhere.

“Why are you so nice to me when I don’t talk to you? And when I ignore you? Why don’t you just let me be?” She asked pleadingly, tears flowing out of her eyes. It was difficult for Doyeon to talk but her words came out naturally around Yoojung.

Yoojung gently unwrapped Doyeon’s hand from her wrist with her free hand. “Doyeon, I...” she muttered, her lips quivering. “I…” she couldn’t formulate a sentence - not with the thoughts running through her brain at a million miles per hour.

Yoojung knew one thing, though; if words weren’t an option, actions always were.

She wrapped her arms around Doyeon’s neck and hugged the girl tightly. Doyeon leaned back against the tree and curled her arms around Yoojung’s petite waist, eyes shut tightly as she felt Yoojung’s small body trembling.

Yoojung pulled away just enough to look at Doyeon’s face, one hand coming up to rest on Doyeon’s nape. Her voice was croaky.

“I’m sorry to hear that you don’t live comfortably,” she whispered, having to bite down on her lip to keep it from shaking so much. Her eyebrows were furrowed, eyes showing nothing but sadness. “But you shouldn’t be so afraid to do so,” she muttered, lost in Doyeon’s eyes.

Doyeon felt her heart stop as her eyes somehow ended up lingering on Yoojung’s bottom lip and the white teeth that bit down on it. She looked back up at Yoojung’s eyes only to see the older girl looking at hers.

“Doyeon…”

Doyeon felt her heart do a full stop and she watched Yoojung hastily take a step back, almost stumbling as she does so. Both of their hearts were beating erratically at this point.

Yoojung swore she was about to lean and…

“It’s really late.” Yoojung whispered, trying to gather her thoughts and emotions. “Let’s head back, yeah?”

Doyeon nodded shakily.

-

Doyeon had gone back to her own house that night. In the following days, she didn’t meet up with Yoojung in the mornings before school. Doyeon didn’t wait for Yoojung after school so they could walk home together. Doyeon set boundaries once more between her and Yoojung. The week went by painfully slow for the both of them.

It wasn’t like Yoojung never saw Doyeon - but she figured that was what hurt the most; the fact that she saw Doyeon all the time and could never do anything because the girl would just ignore her anyways.

She just had to patient.

-

Doyeon could feel the memories rush back into her thoughts. She rushed out the back porch and tripped on the last step. She stumbled before catching herself. She didn’t mind the pain in her ankle as she rushed to the barn.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

“Doyeon?” Yoojung’s voice came out airy, surprised. She noticed Doyeon’s slight limp and the girl’s pale face. She furrowed her eyebrows.

“Doyeon, are you alright?”

Doyeon’s brain was overflowed. Her bottom lip trembled as she shook her head, her hair falling in front of her face with every shake. Yoojung took a hesitant step forward before reaching Doyeon, whose whole body was trembling at this point.

Yoojung circled her arms around Doyeon’s waist and the girl jumped back, flinching. Yoojung stared at her with wide eyes.

“Doyeon…” She whispered. Doyeon pressed her lips together and brought a hand up to cover .

Yoojung knew something was really wrong.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” Yoojung said softly. Doyeon sniffled and looked up. She counted numbers in her head, anything to distract her from the flood of thoughts invading her.

“Want to sit down?” Yoojung asked the girl.

Doyeon shook her head.

Yoojung gulped, not knowing what else to do.

“Y - You don’t have to tell me anything.” Yoojung stuttered, seeing as Doyeon looked like she was on edge. “But I can be here for you.”

Doyeon turned at the words and shook her head. She shouldn’t lean on Yoojung. She didn’t even think Yoojung would be at the barn, it was so late at night. She just ran to wherever her legs would take her.

Yoojung stared at her with hurt eyes.

“Okay.” Yoojung looked away. Doyeon turned her neck and watched her. “Fair enough.” She walked to Haru’s stable. “Be careful on that ankle - I can see that you’re limping.” She said over her shoulder.

Doyeon bit her lip.

Yoojung noticed this and spoke up. “Doyeon,”

The girl’s eyes gazed at Yoojung. The girl just smiled a small smile. “I just want you to be happy.”

“How do you know that you… have feelings for someone?”

“...you want that person to be really happy… and you’d do anything for that person to be happy.”

Doyeon’s breath hitched.

She blinked repeatedly, turning on her heels to face Yoojung.

“Yoojung,” she called out.

Yoojung hummed, patting Haru’s nose.

“Do you mind… Can I…” she struggled to speak, getting frustrated with herself.

Yoojung, as if she knew what Doyeon was trying to ask, said, “Yes.”

-

Doyeon sat stiffly on the edge of Yoojung’s bed. All of this felt like deja vu. This had happened before, just before Somi had come to visit. It was all too familiar.

Yoojung walked into the room with an extra blanket, shutting off the lights with her elbow. Doyeon grew stiff as they were enveloped in darkness.

“I’ll take the floor.” Yoojung said with a smile that Doyeon could barely make out. Doyeon shook her head adamantly, making Yoojung hesitate. “Doyeon, do you really think it’d be a good idea for us to sleep in the same bed?” She asked nervously, trying to play it off with a small laugh. Doyeon stood and took the blanket from Yoojung, placing it on the end of the bed with trembling hands.

The older one sighed. “Fine.”  Doyeon waited for Yoojung to scoot under the blankets before she laid down next to her. Yoojung her side and stared at Doyeon who stared right back at her. Doyeon’s eyes seemed frightened, which made Yoojung’s heart ache.

“You’re safe with me.” Yoojung mumbled, her stomach falling as Doyeon’s pupils shook, eyes widening. The brunette stayed calm. “I won’t ask.” She said.  “I - “

Doyeon placed a hand on Yoojung’s waist and tugged her closer, making Yoojung gasp. Doyeon kept pulling her closer until Yoojung’s breath was fanning against Doyeon’s neck, the way her head was angled making her nose graze the girl’s chin. Yoojung pushed herself higher to get face to face with the younger girl. They stared at each other without a word.

Yoojung leaned in and placed a kiss on Doyeon’s cheek. “I don’t like it when you are scared.”

Doyeon’s heart clenched. She didn’t let Yoojung lean back far as she tilted her head and pressed her lips against the girl’s. Yoojung pulled away, shaking her head with a hazy mind. “Doyeon, we can’t - I … Somi- “

Doyeon squeezed Yoojung’s waist. “Please.”

Yoojung shook her head. “Doyeon, no.”

Doyeon paused for a moment. She then took her hand off of Yoojung’s waist and laid on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

She respected Yoojung as Yoojung respected her.

Yoojung couldn’t see any anger on Doyeon’s face nor could she see any fear on her face. Doyeon was emotionless - much like Yoojung had seen her when they’d first met.

And it crushed her.

“You’re not emotionally stable right now.” Yoojung whispered, explaining her thought process. “I don’t want you to do anything when you’re in this state, especially not if it involves me.”

Doyeon didn’t move an inch.

“I’m sorry, Doyeon. I’m sorry.” she said. Doyeon closed her eyes, her eyelids feeling heavier with each passing second she stared at the ceiling.

Yoojung decided to push away from Doyeon, enough so that their body warmth was no longer shared. She felt cold and empty as she stared at the wall, her back facing the younger girl.

HI LOL DON’T HURT ME

ok it’s been so long since i’ve posted for this story and I’M SORRY

this is a mess. my folder for this fic is a mess bc i’ve changed so much and idk what i already put into the story and what i didn’t so , SORRY. adjflkajsdf i’m apologizing a lot aren’t i but ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ENJOYED

AGAIN, DON’T HURT ME! <3

-dd.