Chapter 6

-

“I believe that the proper utilization of time is this: if you can, serve other people, other sentient beings. If not, at least refrain from harming them.”

“Your parents are coming back today, aren’t they?” Yoojung asked as she and Doyeon walked to the barn. Doyeon nodded, listening to the morning birds chirp.

“Tomorrow is an off-day.” Yoojung said as they began to near the barn. “The teachers have state meetings to go to.” Doyeon hummed, entering the barn behind Yoojung. They did the usual feeding before Yoojung saddled Haru up. Doyeon refused to try riding the horse and Yoojung giggled at her. “I’ll be right back.” She called out in a sing-song voice before easily getting onto the horse and riding out of the barn. Doyeon sat on a stack of hay and waited for Yoojung’s return. She didn’t expect to see Jieqiong and Somi walk into the barn.

She looked at them. Jieqiong noticed her first and spoke. “Hey, Doyeon.”

Doyeon didn’t reply. She liked Jieqiong - she spent almost everyday with the girl at school, but her defensive demeanor was more pointed towards Somi.

“You met Somi before.” Jieqiong gestured awkwardly to the brunette. Doyeon still did not say a word. Jieqiong knew that Somi was about to comment on her silence, properly to remark her as ‘rude’, and cut her off. “Doyeon doesn’t like to talk.”

Doyeon stared at Somi who stared right back at her. “Okay.” Somi replied. “I kind of wanted to talk to Jungah alone, so…” She looked over to Jieqiong and then to Doyeon. Was this girl really telling her to leave?

Jieqiong coughed a little and Doyeon stood up. She walked past Somi and walked towards her house. Yoojung saw the younger girl exit the barn and rode up to the girl, slowing Haru as she neared. “Doyeon, where are you going?”

The girl didn’t respond.

“Doyeon.” Yoojung called again, making Haru stop completely.

“Somi wants to talk with you.” Doyeon said, not looking at Yoojung.

Yoojung widened her eyes. “Somi?” She looked over to the barn and saw Jieqiong and Somi standing at the entrance. She cursed under her breath.

“You didn’t have to leave, you know?” Yoojung said, continuing to ride Haru alongside Doyeon. Doyeon kept quiet, shoulders stiff. She didn’t say that Somi wanted to talk to her alone. Yoojung sighed. “I’ll see you at dinner, Doyeon.”

-

Somi stood off to the side as Yoojung put Haru back into the stable. “Pretty horse.” She said, trying to lighten the atmosphere. Yoojung gave a small smile.

“Thanks. Her name’s Haru.” She replied, not being too friendly but not being too hostile, either. She unclipped her helmet. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”

Somi straightened her back. “About why I reacted the way I did.”

Yoojung froze, her eyes connecting with Somi’s. “About…?” She trailed off. Somi nodded, looking ashamed.

“I was dumb.” Somi sighed. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. And I’m sorry that I did. I realized after I left that you could’ve taken it very badly.”

“What other way was there to take it, Somi?” Yoojung narrowed her eyes. “You ignored me after I confessed to you and then left to America without even saying bye to me.” She said, growing a bit angry.

“I know, I know.” Somi shook her head. “I wasn’t thinking, Jungie.”

“Call me Yoojung.” The brunette gritted her teeth, annoyed at the familiar nickname.

“No. You’re Jungie.” Somi retorted, voice raising before dropping back down to a whisper. “And I was scared, alright?”

“Scared?” Yoojung raised an eyebrow. The pent up frustrations of Somi’s reaction to her confession was being released. “Scared of what? Of me being gay? Of me liking you? Of - “

“Of you liking me back.” Somi cut her off, voice louder than hers to be heard. Yoojung widened her eyes.

“What?”

“Jungah, I was scared.” Somi spoke desperately. “I didn’t mean to hurt you - I really didn’t. But I was scared because I liked you, too. And we were young and reckless. I was scared you didn’t mean it. I was scared of people’s reactions if we were to go out. We live in the countryside, Jungie. Either people are really open minded or people are very very close minded. Do you know what people’s reactions would have been?” Yoojung’s mind was racing, her heart beating erratically. “By the time I realized I shouldn’t be so scared to fully love the person I love, I was already in America.” She mumbled, taking a step closer to Yoojung.

Yoojung held out a hand, stopping Somi from approaching any further. “You could’ve called me.”

Somi shook her head. “No, I assumed you hated me for the way I reacted. Like you said, I just ignored you. I figured we should just have time to ourselves.”

“Time to ourselves.” Yoojung repeated, lowering her hand. “You left my confession hanging in the air so we could have time to ourselves.”

“Jungie, please don’t make me seem like the bad guy.” Somi pleaded. “I was in just as much pain as you were.”

“No, you weren’t, Somi!” Yoojung replied, Somi’s words hitting a soft spot. She began to tear up, eyes wide with hurt. “You weren’t the one left with a broken heart because the person you loved ignored you after you confessed. You weren’t the one who cried herself to sleep because you had just ruined the most precious friendship in your life.” Her lips were quivering. “Jeon Somi, you did not have the same pain as me.”

Somi’s eyes watered. “I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I’m sorry.” She repeated. “I just…”

“You just what?” Yoojung urged her on, tears flowing down her cheeks.

“I want us to start over.” Yoojung opened in disbelief. Before she could speak, Somi spoke. “Tell me truthfully, did the three years of me in America change your feelings for me at all?”

Yoojung closed , choosing silence as her answer. Somi’s eyes were sincere. “Because it didn’t change mine.”

Yoojung’s brain nearly shut down right then and there.

“I want us to start over. Even if we can’t go back to being the friends we used to be.” Somi said. “I’m not scared anymore.”

Yoojung’s heart hurt but her stomach was fluttering. She was so conflicted.

“I’ll give you some time to think about it, okay?” Somi gave a lopsided smile. “I’ll see you later, Jungie.”

When Somi left the barn, Yoojung leaned on one of the barn’s support beams, a train of thoughts flooding her. What the hell just happened?

-

Doyeon sat numbly on the edge of her bed, zoning out and ignoring the morning birds chirping. She hadn’t slept much at all last night; she was up wondering what Somi had spoken to Yoojung about even though it wasn’t any of her business and then she just couldn’t sleep without feeling an overwhelming sensation of fear whenever she closed her eyes. With a sigh, she headed to the bathroom and could hear the rustle of her parents getting ready for work. When she walked out into the kitchen, her father was hastily sipping on his cup of coffee.

“Morning, Doyeon.” He smiled, checking the watch on his wrist. “I’m almost late for work.” She put the cup down and stood, slipping his jacket on. “Don’t you have school today?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. He then turned worried. “Oh, do you want to stay home? That’s okay, too.” Because it wasn’t the first time Doyeon stayed home from school - although it hadn’t happened since they moved.

Doyeon shook her head.

“No school today? For everyone?” He asked.

Doyeon nodded.

He grinned and then checked his watch again, letting a curse slip from his lips. “I have to go. I’ll see you when I get home. We’re having dinner with the Chois again.” She watched him walk past her, simply giving her a small smile and a pat on the shoulder.

They never really were that affectionate with each other.

Her mother entered the kitchen just as her father left. She could hear the two exchanging a small kiss before he left. She suddenly felt like throwing up.

“No school today, Doyeon?”

Doyeon shook her head, still standing in the middle of the kitchen.

“Are you hungry? Want me to fix you up something to eat before I leave?” Her mother’s voice was sweet as always. Doyeon gulped and shook her head.

“Can I go into the town?” Doyeon whispered, although it was the volume she always spoke to to her parents (if she ever did speak). Her mother tilted her head, eyes wide with surprise.

“Where to? Are you going to be alone?”

“Just… around. And yes.”

“Do you need money?” Her mother asked, already reaching into her purse before Doyeon could reply. “Here, take this just in case.”

Doyeon took the bills and stuffed them into her pockets.

“I’m going to leave now, okay? Don’t forget to take your house keys.” She was already heading to the front door, talking over her shoulder. “And be safe!” She slipped her shoes on, opening the door. “Don’t get lost!” And then the door shut.

Doyeon took a deep breath, hands tightening on the cash in her hand. She was acting on a whim here…

It would be her first time going out alone.

-

It wasn’t that bad. Doyeon saw that everyone was going about, minding their own business. Seeing as it was a Monday, everybody had their jobs to get to. Doyeon noticed a few people from her school with difficulty, the absence of a uniform making it harder on Doyeon’s eyes to recognize them.

The bustling noise of the town wasn’t too overwhelming for Doyeon. Living in the city had been overwhelming for her. The streets were too busy - it was difficult to avoid body contact. Not to mention the fact that random strangers would go up to her to ask for money or to ask her to vote in a survey. The city wasn’t helping Doyeon’s problem at all - only heightening her fears. That’s why her family moved to the countryside.

Although she still felt a little uncomfortable out in public all alone, Doyeon knew that she had to get used to this. And she knew that she could get used to it. If everything that had happened with Yoojung was possible for Doyeon, then Doyeon deemed practically anything as possible.

Yoojung had taught her some things. Yoojung was patient and understanding. Doyeon noticed that right off the bat. She noticed that Yoojung would never push her to continue conversations. She noticed that Yoojung didn’t ask her why she hadn’t walked to school with her some days. She noticed that Yoojung gave her space when she needed space and didn’t make her feel suffocated. Doyeon learned that, in order to teach herself things she had feared of doing for years, she had to be patient and understanding with herself.

She couldn’t get frustrated with herself. Doyeon could take ten steps forward, could get frustrated with herself, and then she would end up going back twenty steps. It was a vicious cycle she had repeated for the past six years of her life - unable to progress at all.

Doyeon reached into her pocket, her fingertips touching the wrinkled bills. She stared up at the bakery, nervousness building up inside her. She took deep breaths. She had to be patient.

She mentally cheered herself on as she walked inside, the aroma of sweet pastry filling her nostrils. She walked to the counter, the hand in her pocket trembling. She could feel the sweat accumulate at the back of her neck. The person at the counter wore a friendly smile. Doyeon told herself to smile back.

She did.

And she stared at the menu above the worker, reading the words - telling herself to be calm and patient. She constantly reminded herself to breathe - because she was safe and there was nothing to be scared of here in the cozy bakery.

“Number three.” She said finally in a soft voice. The cashier smiled and nodded, putting something into the register as he gave the price. Doyeon urged herself to keep her hand steady as she handed over a couple of bills. He gave her the change before heading to the back of the store to get her order. Doyeon felt her heart racing rapidly - a sense of pride growing and growing.

The man came back and handed Doyeon her order. She grinned and gave a bow before walking out, the warmth of the baked sweet bread spreading onto her hands. She felt like crying.

-

Doyeon stayed home studying for the rest of the day, the bread placed on her desk just in front of her. Every time she looked up from her notes, she smiled.

When she heard the front door opening, she jumped up and grabbed the wrapped bread. She knew it was her father who was home as his job usually ends earlier than her mother’s. She greeted him in the kitchen. He gave a smile.

“Hey, Doyeon.” He looked down at her hands. “What’s that?”

“I…” Doyeon held it out. “I ordered it.”

His eyes nearly popped out of his sockets. “You ordered it?” He asked in disbelief. Doyeon nodded, unable to contain her smile.

“No way…” His lips broke out into a large smile. Doyeon let out a small laugh. Her father almost began to cry at the sound. “Doyeon, that’s amazing.” He walked slowly towards her before hugging her into his large body frame. “I’m so proud of you.”

If it had been before Doyeon had met Yoojung, Doyeon would have cringed at the words. Ordering bread from the bakery? There was nothing amazing at that - anybody could do that. But Yoojung made Doyeon understand that she wasn’t just anybody. Yoojung made her understand that it was okay to struggle, as long as you had the urge to get better.

Doyeon wanted to get better.

-

They switched it up that night and the Chois came over for dinner instead of Doyeon’s family going over there. It was odd, really. Seeing Yoojung’s family in her own dining room created an odd atmosphere - but it wasn’t like Doyeon disliked it.

“Your eyes look a little red.” Mrs. Choi said to Doyeon’s mother. Doyeon’s mother shot her daughter a look and smiled, shaking her head. “It’s not anything bad.”

Doyeon gulped and stared at the plate of food in front of her, her fork going to push around the pieces of meat. Yoojung was sat next to her, their chairs a bit too close for comfort seeing as the dinner table was usually suited for four people and there were seven people sitting there. Doyeon could see from the edge of her vision that Yoojung continuously sent glances towards her throughout the duration of dinner and it made Doyeon’s heart go wild.

She never understood the concept of feelings so this - this was an entirely new world to her and the butterflies in her stomach and the skipped beats of her heart made her head spin. It scared her but only because she wasn’t scared.

“Where’s the bathroom?” Yoojung asked as everyone chatted with one another. Doyeon hesitantly stood from her chair which was a sign for Yoojung to stand up and follow her. The older girl did so and they walked away from the conversation and walked down the hall. “Your parents seem to be in a good mood.” She commented as they neared the bathroom.

Doyeon waited for the girl to enter the room before she left but Yoojung just stood there, looking up at her. Doyeon fidgeted.

The smaller one let out a giggle. “I didn’t have to go. I just wanted to talk to you.”

And - wow - Doyeon never knew her heart could do a flip such as the one she experienced right then and there. Yoojung’s smile dimmed just a tad bit as she went to lean on the wall, still looking into Doyeon’s eyes. “You seem a little off, though.” She said quietly. “Is everything alright?”

Doyeon frowned involuntarily and nodded her head. Was everything alright?

Were these feelings alright?

“Don’t lie to me, Kim Doyeon.” The words would’ve sent Doyeon into a world full of pained memories had it not come from the girl in front of her. She was pouting, eyes wide and pure. “I’m here for you if -”

“I bought bread.”

Yoojung’s eyebrows rose - a twitch was more like it.

“You bought bread?” She asked this, confused. Doyeon nodded slowly. “Yes.”

It took a moment for Yoojung to realize what Doyeon meant, quickly realizing that Doyeon had bought bread - she had spoken to a total stranger.

Yoojung’s lips curved up into a bright smile and her eyes sparkled. “That’s great!” Her words came out in a bit of a squeal and Doyeon couldn’t help the grin that came out so naturally. “Where is it?” Yoojung asked, practically bouncing up and down out of excitement.

Doyeon led the girl to her room and pointed to the pastry on her desk that was no longer warm. Yoojung went to grab the bread and was still smiling brightly as she ripped a piece off and held it to Doyeon’s lips without thinking.

Instead of feeling the want to run away, Doyeon felt her cheeks warm up and felt her heartbeat pick up. Yoojung opened . “Ah.” She said to Doyeon, food still held up to Doyeon’s mouth.

The younger girl went to eat the pastry and even though it was a little cold and a little hard - Doyeon had never tasted anything so amazing.