“let’s swim to the moon / let’s climb through the tide / penetrate the evening that the / city sleeps to hide / let’s swim out tonight, love / it’s our turn to try / parked beside the ocean / on our moonlight drive.” – moonlight drive, doors

PAST

Kim Nayoung was used to being the second choice. She grew up in a family without siblings to fight for attention with; but there was Heehyun.

Heehyun’s mom was Nayoung’s mom’s best friend, and even though twenty year old Nayoung wouldn’t have spared twenty year old Heehyun a second look, four month old Heehyun and freshly popped out of the womb Nayoung were destined to be best friends.

(And destined to form a tightly-knit group with Im Nayoung, Lee Suhyun, and Jung Eunwoo – all of whom joined the club as soon as they were born.)

Nayoung’s parents were singers, and her mother owned an entertainment agency. Heehyun was born into a family full of lawyers and doctors – even having a huge hospital attached to their name. So it wasn’t really such a surprise that Nayoung grew up wearing bright knee high boots and studded leather jackets while Heehyun was always made to wear pastel dresses and other ‘smart’ clothes – even glasses and braces that the others would about until the day they die.

What was surprising, however, were their interests. Nayoung – the daughter of superstars – loved books and sciences and mathematics more than Heehyun – the daughter of a lawyer and a doctor, who was passionate about dance and rapping, ever did.

And although Nayoung was also talented in the music department, she just didn’t quite make the cut. Her mother always thought rappers were fascinating, more star material, and thought singers were boring. In other words, she thought Heehyun was fascinating, more star material. Nayoung was boring in her mother’s eyes.

She accepted it long ago, that her mother wanted someone like Heehyun, not her. But acceptance did not mean she didn’t still feel a prick in her heart every time she saw her mother monitoring Heehyun’s practice as she stayed by one side with her books.

Acceptance did not mean it didn’t hurt that her mom was singing To.Mom on stage with Heehyun rapping right in front of her. Acceptance did not mean the jealousy still didn’t eat her alive.

She didn’t realize the performance ended, her eyes just trained thoughtfully on the shining lights.

“Hey.”

She looked up, staring right through eyes too similar to her own. “Hey.”

“Are you performing too?”

Shrugging, she looked away. The tension was too thick to belong to family members. “Yeah. Three more songs, and it’s my turn.” She sent her a hesitant look.

Her mother frowned, and she looked away again. It was obvious what the answer to her unasked question was. “I have to leave in five minutes, couldn’t you-”

“No, it’s fine.”

“I- I didn’t know you were performing too.”

She swallowed the lump in making it ache. “That’s okay. I never told you anyway.” She raised a hand limply, defeated. “I- I hope you enjoyed performing with Heehyun, mom.” And she wanted to spit it out, "mom". Because it tasted so bitter, so metallic, on her tongue. So unfamiliar and unwelcoming. Not at all like home.

She turned around before letting the tears fall. She ignored their calls of ‘Nayoung’ and continued walking out the backstage, letting her feet take her anywhere at all. She ignored the questions on Eunwoo’s and Suhyun’s faces as she passed by them. She ignored Sejeong’s worried expression as she simply walked without acknowledging her presence.

She ignored everything she passed, everyone asking her questions. She ignored the crowd waiting outside and ignored the tears erasing her make up. She ignored all these but all she really wanted to ignore was the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of being second best. All she really wanted to ignore was the feeling tearing her heart apart.

But feelings couldn't be ignored too easily, this she knew too well. So she let her heart ache, let the pain devour her.

Maybe she was just too easy to replace.

-

She was starting to think she really was easy to replace, as she stared blankly at the screen of the TV, gummy worms hanging limply from between her teeth.

Or maybe it was just easy to leave her, not necessarily replace her. Because to replace, there needed to be someone else. But some people just leave even though there was no “someone else”.

It was like everyone that entered her life decided it was only right that they leave her at least once. Eunwoo once left her in a mall; Suhyun left her stuck on a tree once in preschool when she was trying to pick some apples; Heehyun left her every time Chaeyeon appeared; Im would be leaving them for med school; her parents left her when she was eleven… Her grandmother left her earlier this week.

And Sejeong had left her too many times in the past, she wasn’t sure why she stiil kept welcoming her home with a cup of coffee and FRIENDS reruns and blankets on the couch and chips on the floor – a smile on her face despite the impossible amount of fear and dread she had thinking about the next time Sejeong would leave her.

She wondered what she was doing with Joonyoung, and wondered what she saw in that boy that made her come back to him every single time after he broke her. What was so special and beautiful about that boy that Sejeong risked getting bruised and broken every damn time just to be with him again?

And what was so wrong with her that people just… leave?

Annoyed and so utterly sad, she grabbed a root beer from the fridge and walked out the door, only to be greeted by Hayi.

Hayi, another new friend that would inevitably leave her in the end. Mondays were more fun with Hayi driving her around on her motorcycle and trying new food with her. Monday mornings weren’t spent grumbling and cursing about the week ahead since Hayi came, they were spent wondering what kind of ‘adventure’ she’d be on later that afternoon. Hayi, a potential constant in her life.

But Hayi would leave too, she knew, because everyone did. There was just something in her that pushed people away.

“Why are you sad?” Hayi asked, eyebrows meeting and lower lip protruding. She slipped her phone in her pocket and raised her hands, placing her palms against Nayoung’s cheeks, squishing them between, lips jutting out in an ugly manner. “You shouldn’t be sad.”

Nayoung scowled. “You would be too if you were left by everyone you know.”

“Then you shouldn’t be sad. Not everyone you know left you, I’m here.”

She scoffed, swatting Hayi’s hands away from her cheeks. “You will too. There’s an unstoppable force within me that just pushes everyone away, it’s inevitable.”

“I’m the immovable object to that unstoppable force.”

Maybe Nayoung’s never heard such beautiful words before, and maybe it was Hayi’s words that made her yearn for the girl’s presence. Or maybe it was just the comfort she brought that Nayoung used to only find in Sejeong.

Whatever it was, Nayoung knew she needed Hayi with her that moment, to listen to her beautiful words and dwell in the comfort she brings. “I’m sad.”

“Well, aren’t you one smart lad?” she replied automatically, a smile on her lips. But then she frowned as she stared at Nayoung’s trembling lips. “Hey, wanna go to the beach?”

“There’s a beach near here?”

Hayi shrugged. “Who knows? Let’s look for one.” She pushed Nayoung to her apartment door. “Go get dressed in something warmer, and bring some money.” Just as Nayoung’s about to step in her apartment, Hayi pulled her in for a hug, nose digging in her hair, inhaling the scent of fabric conditioner and strawberry, and an infinite amount of fear deep within her heart. She pulled away, smiling, then she kissed her cheek. “See 'ya later.”

-

The second day Nayoung and Hayi met, Hayi bought her a helmet to use while riding the motorcycle. It was plain black, with a simple sticker of a bunny on one side. She kept it in her room, always near her. It was proof of something – her friendship with Hayi, maybe? Or perhaps proof that someone as beautiful as Hayi was able to exist in a world such as this?

Or maybe simply proof of something to look forward to during Mondays.

Hayi drove her around the city, muttering about whatever it was she searched up a few minutes before they got on the motorcycle. Nayoung’s arms were firmly circling Hayi’s waist – very comfortable and different from when she first rode this motorcycle (named Red despite its black painted metals; Nayoung didn’t understand it either). She remembered her first time on this, Hayi had to pull her hands tighter against her waist because of how loose they were.

Her cheeks layed on Hayi’s back, gaze travelling up to the sky and the limitless stars scattered all over it. At least they never left. And as Hayi’s minty scent clouded her nose once again, she thought that maybe Hayi wouldn’t leave either.

The motorcycle slowed down and soon they were parked in front of a coffee shop. She got off, taking off her helmet and frowning at how messy her hair was again. Hayi, on the other hand, remained unfazed by the mess the wind brought to her hair, fingers lazily combing through them. And soon enough, they were back to being perfect.

Nayoung’s scowl deepened, because it wasn’t fair that someone as perfect as Hayi could exist. She cleared . “What are we supposed to do here? It’s almost 10 PM, Hayi. We’ve got class tomorrow.”

“Oh, right. Tomorrow’s Monday,” Hayi murmured, hand reaching out to grab Nayoung’s, fingers mindlessly interlacing. She pulled her in the coffee shop – a small place obviously underrated, only a few students were there. Hayi dragged her to counter and ordered something complicated, Nayoung rolled her eyes.

A few minutes later, a cup of something was forced into Nayoung’s hand and she looeds up to see Hayi smiling at her, warmth and comfort spreading inside her. “Let’s go.”

She followed her to the back of the shop, gaze wandering around the place. They stopped, and she looked forward, jaw dropping. “You found a beach.”

Hayi playfully rolled her eyes, pulling Nayoung near the shore. “Duh, that’s what google is for.”

“Looking for es? Isn’t that what Instagram is for?”

“You’re a rude little kid, aren’t 'ya?” She plopped down on the sand, pulling Nayoung down with her. “So, spill, what’s wrong?”

Nayoung frowned. What was wrong? A lot of things were wrong: her hair, how she’d obviously sleep just before the sun rises because of the caffeine in her system. “Hmm, where to begin?”

Hayi chuckled, leaning back on her palms, cup of coffee beside her. She threw her head back, eyes on the sky. “Talk to the moon.”

“Is this some kind of psychology bull?”

“No.” Hayi laughed, shaking her head. “It’s what my father told me every time I wanted to tell him a story and he’s too busy with… other stuff to care.”

“Hey, will you look at that? We both have ty parents.” She mimicked Hayi, looking up at the sky. “Talk to the moon? Will it reply?”

“Only if you’re sad enough.”

Nayoung shook her head, a disbelieving chuckle escaping past her lips. “I’m not enough for anything.” She looked up again, eyes turning sad. “Hey, Mr. Moon. Why do people always leave me?”

Nothing. The moon didn’t respond. She resisted the urge to shake her head once again at how ridiculous the whole situation was.

“Not everyone leaves you, Nayoung. They always come back at the end of the day.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I don’t know your whole life, yeah. But I know that there’s at least one person who’ll always go back to you. At least one person who’ll call you home.”

Her lower lip jutted out, she chewed on it thoughtfully. “Who do call home?”

Hayi paused. Then shrugged. “Myself.”

“Must be nice, only needing yourself,” she replied, getting off her hands and folding her legs underneath her, fingers forming letters on the sand. Home.

The mint loving girl eyed her fingers, blinking. “I don’t need only myself.”

“Yeah?” She stared at her sideways, through the corner of her eyes. She saw her staring back.

Hayi nodded. “Yeah, sometimes it’s nice finding a home in someone else. Somewhere to go to when your own is too cold.”

Nayoung copied her, also nodding. And pondered if Hayi was capable of being a home to her. What do you even need to have to be called a home? Beautiful words? Plump lips?

Sejeong’s eyes? Her mother's smiles? Her father's arms? Her grandmother's hugs? Her friends' laughs?

Nayoung didn’t know. But she hoped she’d find out the concept of ‘home’ soon enough.

-

She came home that night (morning, almost sunrise) to a dimly lit apartment, light coming from the TV. Walking towards it, she tried to shake off all kinds of stimulants in her system, namely: the caffeine from her three cups of coffee and Hayi’s scent still coating her mind.

“Where were you?”

She turned around, and found sharp eyes glaring at her. “Sejeong.”

“I was so damn worried about you! You weren’t answering my calls and-”

“Why aren’t you with Joonyoung?”

Sejeong flinched, swaying backward for less than a centimeter. “Why should I be with him?”

Nayoung shrugged, plopping down on the couch. A relieved sigh made it way out , mixing with the cold apartment air. “You always come back to him.”

“I didn’t come back to him today, I was practicing with Eunwoo for our-”

“Is he your home?”

Her eyebrows crashed together, questions written in them. “What?”

“Is Joonyoung your home?”

“No, this apartment is.”

Nayoung hummed, nodding her head and fluttering her eyes close. “Then why do you always leave this ‘home’ and come back to him? Stop kidding yourself, Sejeong, this isn’t your home.”

A/N:

I hope you liked it even though I wrote this during my 22nd hour of being awake, so not at all good content. This marks the start of the angst. (I only have three more past chapters planned after this, not sure yet about the present chapters).