“Swallow nostalgia / Chase it with lime / Better than dwelling / And chasing time / Missing occasions / I can't rewind / Can't help but feel I've lost what's mine” – suburbia, troye sivan

PRESENT

There is no dull moment when you’re with the squad, and even though it’s been months since they reunited, Sejeong still hasn’t had a chance to actually spend a moment with them.

This whole trip with the squad, however, will surely be full of those moments. Which makes it one of the reasons why Sejeong’s looking forward to this insane idea - even if that means they have to be squashed together in one huge van.

“How many of us will be going again?” she asks Nayoung absentmindedly, hands busily trying to pack all their things without using more than one suitcase. “Is the car going to be really crowded? Why can’t we use two cars?”

Nayoung smirks at her from the sink. “You’ve got a whole lot of questions, huh? Well, there’ll be thirteen of us, including the kids, of course. The car will be pretty crowded, I guess, but it’s only for a few hours anyway. And don’t you think it’s better that we’re all in one car like a happy family? Besides, it’s a fifteen passenger van.”

“As if we can ever call a group with Heehyun and Haein a ‘family’ and describe it as ‘happy’.”

“Come on, they got over their differences the moment Chaeyeon got pregnant.”

Sejeong smiles. “Why are we thirteen again?”

“It’s us, the college group, then the two kids, Pinky, Juna - it’s part of her vacation thing. And, um, Hayi’s joining us.”

“Hayi? I thought you, um, ended things… with her?”

She blinks a few times, then shrugs. “Years ago. We stayed as friends though.”

“Really? No bitterness or… feelings left?”

This time it’s Nayoung who smiles. “None at all. Why do you even need to ask?”

“Because this is supposed to be a happy trip. If you two are-”

“Don’t even worry about it,” Nayoung tells her, placing a hand on Sejeong’s. “We’re okay.” With another smile, she turns to leave the room, calling out the little one’s name.

Sejeong stares after her, a frown pulling down on her lips. We’re okay. She bites back a how okay?, afraid of the possible answers.

She goes back to making sure they’ve got everything in the suitcase and is about to close it when Mina bounced in the room with a huge grin, something green in her hands. Nayoung walks in after the excited kid, dimple similar to the one Mina’s showing. She feels a tug at her heart, feels a smile about to appear, knows her brain’s doing that thing again where it makes up this whole alternate universe where it’s only her, Nayoung, and Mina… no Joonyoung, no Hayi, no one else.

Just them.

Another look at the thing in her daughter’s hands and she realizes it’s an inflated balloon. “You can throw that in the trash outside, sweetie.”

“No!” Mina exclaims, hugging the plastic to her chest, thick brows creating a crease between them as she glares at her mother. “We can’t throw Perry out.”

“Honey, you can’t use it anymore,” Sejeong argues in a soft tone, baffled about why Mina’s so angered.

Nayoung crouches down beside Mina and kisses the space between her eyebrows - that way Sejeong always finds her doing whenever Mina’s frowning. She speaks, words directed to Sejeong. “We’re going to do something special with the balloon, Sejeong, I’m sure the bag has space for it?”

“What exactly are you going to do with it?”

She smiles, and Sejeong knows it’s a losing battle. It’s those dimples, both Mina and Nayoung love using them against her. It’s the dimples. “A rite. Just bring it, please?” She nudges Mina, whispering, “Eyelashes, eyelashes.”

The kid’s eyes widen, then she bats her eyelashes obnoxiously, making Sejeong laugh. “Fine,” she concedes, rolling her eyes. She takes the balloon and drops it in Mina’s backpack. “Here, since you’re a big lady now, you bring your own bag.”

Mina frowns again, pouting. She looks at Nayoung. “But Nayoung doesn’t bring her own bag and she’s an old lady too.”

“That’s it. You’ve been bullying me since this afternoon, you’re not coming with us, young lady.”

“But I’m a big lady.”

“Well, since you were bullying me, you’re now back to being a young lady.”

The bag is pushed to Nayoung’s face, Mina’s puppy eyes behind them. “But I have my own bag!”

Pretty much like how Sejeong knows it’s a losing battle whenever Nayoung smiles, she also knows it’s a losing battle for Nayoung whenever Mina looks at her like that. And she’s right, Nayoung immediately breaks out in a smile and ruffles Mina’s hair, messing up the ponytail Sejeong did. “Okay, big lady. Did you drink your vitamins yet? It’s going to be a long ride.”

“Yes, I did. I called Dani and told her to drink hers.”

“Great. Go back to the living room and watch cartoons while I help mommy with everything else we need, okay? You know how to use the video doorbell, right? Once Eunwoo, Suhyun, and Haein arrive, you’re in charge of letting them in, okay?”

Mina nods, eyes shining at the mission given to her. She nods before sprinting back out the room.

Nayoung grins at Sejeong, dimples showing again, making Sejeong suddenly weak. “So, is there anything we still have to do?”

“Food. We don’t have food.”

“We’ll pass by a store somewhere, I’m sure.”

“What would Dani and Mina do while we’re on the way?”

She shrugs. “Sleep, obviously. We’ll arrive where we’re staying by probably midnight, then we’ll go sleep until 8 am. Then we’ll go to the aquarium before 10 am so everyone gets to walk around before we drive to the amusement park. Once the park closes, we’ll drive to Gangwon-do, just in time for probably midnight when the stars are out and brightest. We’ll just spend the next day near the cabin we’ll stay in and just… be all together.”

Sejeong tries to keep herself from smiling at how excited Nayoung is over this trip. It’s still a few days before her birthday, but she’s suddenly wanting to go to this trip she planned for everyone by herself, something she has never done before. It makes Sejeong happy knowing that Nayoung finally cares enough about herself to plan this trip.

“I bet the kids will be burnt out after this trip.”

“It’ll all be worth it anyway. They’ll look back on this day and think, yes, that was the best trip of my life.” Her gaze becomes distant, reminiscing. Sejeong wonders what memories are playing on the walls of her mind. But then Nayoung suddenly snaps out of it and smiles widely at Sejeong, mischievously even. “And it’s all because of me. They’ll remember the time they were four and five, turning five and six, all because of me.”

There’s confidence dripping from her voice, and Sejeong likes the sound of it. She nods. “All because of you.”

-

The trip did not start the way Nayoung wanted it to, not at all. What she had in mind was a happy semi road trip with her behind the wheel, Sejeong beside her, the others behind them, either DNCE’s Cake by The Ocean or the Little Einsteins theme song blaring from the speakers, depends on the kids, really, and a very family-like vibe filling the air.

Not Juna and Hayi being forced to sit between Haein and an annoyed Suhyun at the very back, Eunwoo seating on the single seat beside Im and Pinky’s seats, and Heehyun sulking on the seat in front of Eunwoo’s as Chaeyeon ignores her and plays with the two kids. Well, at least Sejeong’s beside her.

Oh, and yeah, Chaeyeon made her play lullabies so the kids will want to sleep. It’s working more on her than the kids though, and she has to bite her tongue every few minutes to stay awake. She really should’ve done what Sejeong told her to do multiple times earlier, she should’ve taken a nap.

“Dani, it’s time for bed,” she hears Heehyun grumble behind her and she sneaks a glance at the rear view mirror only to find Heehyun glaring at Dani. “You too, Mina.”

“But we don’t have beds.”

“Of course you don’t, this is a car. But you brought your blankets and pillows, and mommy’s there to hug you to sleep, so you have to go to sleep now. It’s already past your bedtime, both of you. We’ll wake you up once we arrive, okay?”

“But I’m not sleepy yet,” Dani mutters, nudging Mina furtively. Mina nods.

Heehyun sighs, sending Chaeyeon glares as the latter just smiles. “You have to go to sleep, both of you. Or else you’re not allowed to get out the house tomorrow.”

“But we’re going to see fishes!”

Mina once again nods. “Yeah, and see aunt Chungha.”

“Well we won’t see the fishes, nor ‘aunt Chungha’ if you two don’t sleep now.”

“Is that true?” Mina asks Nayoung, peeking from between the two front seats. “We’re not going to see them?”

“Absolutely not. You can stay up if you want,” Nayoung assures her, sending Heehyun a taunting look from the corner of her eyes. “It’s a vacation anyway, we can all stay up as late as we want. But… the moment you yawn, you’re going to sleep.”

The two kids look at each other, a silent conversation passing through their eyes. The adult’s smiles widen at the seriousness masking the two’s faces. Then, slowly, the two nod.

Sejeong hears Nayoung chuckle beside her as she stares at the back seats and watch in amusement as Dani and Mina talk seriously about how to avoid yawning at all costs. Nayoung changes the song to one of T-ara’s; Hayi finally falls asleep on Juna’s shoulder as Suhyun falls asleep on hers; Haein stays quiet with a soft smile on her face; the three in the middle seats also stay quiet, the darkness surrounding the car lulling them to sleep; the kids play with Chaeyeon; Heehyun bites back a yawn.

Nayoung lets out a relieved sigh and Sejeong smiles.

It’s been a while but everything’s alright.

-

They arrive a few minutes before midnight. Mina and Dani fell asleep halfway through the ride without anyone forcing them to. But now they have to force them to wake up, which is a pretty hard task considering that Dani knows Karate, and Mina likes slapping people.

But it’s Heehyun’s job and so the others leave her in the car with the two kids who can possibly dislocate her shoulder with their eyes literally still closed - overwhelming amount of fear and frustration making her heart beat faster than usual.

“Hey kids. We’re here,” she whispers, too soft for even her to hear. When did she even become so afraid of two little kids? “Hey… wake up.”

“That’s not how you wake them up,” a voice says from behind her. Without even turning her head, she knows who that belongs to.

The same person who left them five years ago. But that’s all for another day to be petty about.

She throws Sejeong a frown. “You wake them up then. Let’s see if you survive without a black eye.”

Sejeong laughs. “You talk like these kids are half your size.” She leans forward, familiar scent clouding Heehyun’s nose. Then she taps Dani’s cheek affectionately. “Hey, sweetheart, we’re here.”

In the calmest way Heehyun has ever seen her do, Dani flutters her eyes open, lips puckering. “Hm?”

“We’re here.”

“Where?”

Heehyun answers for Sejeong, smile unconsciously forming on her face as she stares at her daughter, “Home.”

Of course, the only “home” Dani’s ever really known is the one in Ilsan, just a few blocks away from her favorite aunt’s own apartment. But this place, this street, is all Heehyun ever called ‘home’ when she was Dani’s age - small and oblivious.

Dani looks out the window, confused frown settling on her face, then she shrugs and lightly shakes Mina. “Mina, wake up. We’re home.”

The smile on Heehyun’s face grows wider. ‘Home’, it sounds so magical coming from a little kid’s lips. Especially when the ‘home’ she’s talking about is the ‘home’ Heehyun used to share with her closest friends when she was her age.

Dani raises her arms and Heehyun turns her back against her, letting her jump on it. With a grunt, she climbs out the car and smiles at her wife. “We’re home.”

-

There’s something entirely beautiful and reminiscent about walking in the only house she used to know as a child five years since she last did. A wave of familiarity washes over Nayoung in the form of the homey scent of food freshly cooked in the kitchen, of the cold tiled floors, of the painting hung in the hallway that she and the other four made when Eunwoo was just a little over 3 years old.

It’s overwhelming. It’s homey.

It fleeting.

As soon as her gaze lands on the stairs, a tsunami of memories hits her. Screams and shouts fill her head, she feels tears falling from her eyes and her hands shaking. She’s back to being six and vulnerable, hiding behind the wall by the stairs as her parents yell insults and death threats and just hateful, hateful words to each other - both unaware of the kid crying her eyes out and listening to each harsh syllable.

But then a small hand slips its way through hers and she looks down to find Mina smiling up at her. “Whose house is this?”

She smiles back, memories pushed to the very back of her mind, enclosed in that box with the X sign. “I lived here when I was your age.”

“Oh,” Mina mutters, looking around. A smile spreads on her face as she looks back at Nayoung. “I like it.”

With a soft scoff, she lightly pushes Mina forward before turning to look at the others behind them. “Welcome to my house.”

“You’re here,” a familiarly low voice greets. She looks up excitedly and grins at him.

There it is, the only fatherly smile she’s ever known, etched on his face. “Da!”

“Nayoung,” he greets back, corners of eyes crinkling in a smile. Nayoung runs to his arms, inhaling his scent as he cradles her head in his hand, nose digging on her hair. “You finally came back.” He looks up, eyes gentle. “And you’ve brought company.”

Nayoung nods to his chest, tears threatening to fall. She blinks them back before pulling away and letting him plant a kiss on her forehead. “I missed you.”

“I missed you more, kit. You finally came back.”

With another desperate attempt at blinking back her tears, Nayoung coughs and turns around with a smile. “You know who Im, Heehyun, Suhyun, and Eunwoo are, right, Da? The others are Hayi, Juna, Pinky, Chaeyeon, and, um, Sejeong.”

“And the kids?”

“I’m Dani.”

“My name’s Mina.”

They both look up at the man with sleepy but curious eyes. He smiles. “Those are really pretty names. Call me Da.”

“You’re Nayoung’s dad?”

“I’m her dad’s dad,” he replies calmly, though his eyes turn sad. “Have you eaten?” They shake their heads, lips pouting as they remember their empty stomachs. “I made dinner for everyone. Let’s go eat.”

-

After their very late dinner, Da offered to bring Mina and Dani to Nayoung’s old room and read them Nayoung’s favorite bedtime story, The Princess and The Pea. Nayoung knows he won’t be able to resist singing them a lullaby too, the same way he used to whenever Nayoung’s having nightmares.

She lets him take care of the kids, lets him have another go at parenting. He has regrets, she knows, that he somehow redeemed through her. But then she left and became who she is - a cynical, single woman who still, after more than ten and five years, haven’t talked to her father and mother respectively. And so he’s filled with regrets again, she’s sure.

She’ll have to talk to him about that next time. Right now, she needs to lead these fully functioning adults to the guest rooms.

“Hey, why don’t we stay at the attic?”

Or, well, the attic, if they want. Of course, even in her own humble (three storeys, with a backyard pool, a movie room, and several bedroom and bathrooms) home, she still doesn’t have much say in how things should be.

“What’s in the attic?” Juna asks, both arms carrying bags Nayoung’s sure she saw Hayi and Suhyun holding just before they got in the car. “Is it some really creepy ?”

“No, it’s not. It’s kind of like a slumber party room. It’s where we used to have sleepovers in all the time before.”

Nayoung frowns. “We were less than ten years old then though, I doubt it’d be fit for adults like us.”

“Adults?” Heehyun scoffs. “We’re just life sized, Nayoung. We’re not adults.” She turns her attention back to the others excitedly. “There are tents and pillows everywhere, a glass wall, and a wall for movies from the projector. It’s cool.”

And there she goes, leading the pack to the attic Nayoung isn’t sure is big enough for all of them ‘not adult’ humans.

Sejeong links her arm through hers, angelic smile lighting up her face. “The attic seems cool.” And just like that, Nayoung bites back the words she wanted to yell at Heehyun.

Just like that, coming back here doesn’t sound so bad.

-

The attic is literally just a huge fort with much smaller forts scattered around. It’s spacious for five kids with one digit ages. But for eleven fully grown adults, it’s going to be a bit cramped.

Eunwoo immediately turns on the projector and lets Toy Story, her all time favorite series, play. Suhyun runs to her designated fort, pulling a reluctant Juna with her. Im also walks to her own, wistfulness masking her eyes, Pinky right behind her. Heehyun practically bounces to hers, Chaeyeon shaking her head behind her.

Nayoung leads Sejeong to her own fort beside Heehyun’s by the glass wall, wondering how the hell she used to fit in there.

“This is our bed for the night?” Sejeong asks incredulously. “It looks comfy. But cramped.”

“Um, this used to be too big for me,” she mutters, pushing herself in the tent and looking up at the ‘ceiling’ full of fairy lights, drawings, and pictures taped to the cloth. If you raise your head a bit more, you can see out the glass wall and onto the night sky. The pillow smells the same it used to before - the same strong wood scent they sprayed around the room to make it seem like they’re outside.

She suddenly wonders who kept everything in place after all this time.

A face peeks in. “Comfy?”

She smiles. “Kinda. C’mere.”

Sejeong squishes herself in and looks up at the mess that it Nayoung’s ceiling, arm touching Nayoung’s, igniting waves of electricity through them. “You’ve got a pretty, um, cluttered space.”

Nayoung chuckles. “I used to like staring up at something before falling asleep. I have those glow in the dark stars in my bedroom downstairs too. I just didn’t like the idea of a plain white ceiling being the last thing you see before sleeping.”

“I wasn’t complaining.”

“I was just explaining.”

She hears her softly laugh before going quiet. The only background noise is Heehyun telling Chaeyeon stories from when she was a kid beside their fort and Woody being a conceited little .

Then Sejeong sighs. “You liked taking pictures since before?”

“Yeah, my mom gave me a camera before and I took pictures of everything and got the films, like, printed every weekend.” She blinks, pictures hung looking more like mere fragments of her imagination than memories. “And I put them up there or in my room immediately. Until I turned eleven though. I had to mve in with my grandmother so I took all photos I liked and placed them in a journal.”

“What’s so nice about photos anyway? You need to learn how to live in the real world and not hold on to simply remembrances.”

She laughs. She had this conversation with her mother before, right before her fantasies of a happy family were crushed by the weight of the ‘I hate you’s thrown between her parents like ping pong balls tired and begging to be dropped. A few months before photos became the only reminder of the family she used to have.

“Faces fade. Pictures don’t. Sometimes things change so much that you’re not sure it ever was how you remembered it as. Pictures are facts, they show you that, yes, you did go to see the cherry blossoms when you were five and fell flat on your face when your dad chased you. See that red mark on your forehead? That was you being stupid.”

“Is that why you chose to be a photographer instead?”

Nayoung shrugs. “A bit, yeah.” And in a hushed whisper, she adds, “Your face-s were beginning to fade, and I realized we didn’t really have much pictures together.” The S was added a bit too late, a bit too forced.

It pricks Sejeong’s heart and she bites on her lips to avert her nerves’ attentions on them. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Nayoung mutters back. She sits up and leans on her left elbow, taking in Sejeong’s make-up less and tired face. She stops her tongue from curling to the shape of ‘beautiful’ and instead swipes her right thumb on Sejeong’s lip, forcing it out of her teeth’s grasp. “Stop doing that.”

“I do it when I’m-”

“Thinking. Nervous. Stop it. It’s not your fault,” she assures, having to stop herself from leaning in and kissing any part of Sejeong’s face. Her head lands on her pillow again. “Things change. It’s what they do. Besides, I love what I’m doing now.”

“You better.” There’s some sort of taunting in her voice, and Nayoung chuckles. “So, tell me about that picture. Is that Heehyun climbing a tall fence?”

Once again, Nayoung laughs. And she latches on the story of that time Suhyun accidentally threw Eunwoo’s tattered doll over the tall fence of that one scary neighbor every kid has. Sejeong’s arm’s still touching hers, Heehyun’s still muttering stories to a sleepy Chaeyeon beside their fort, the movie’s still playing and she can see Eunwoo’s silhouette lying on her stomach and facing the wall every time she looks down.

Maybe it’s the dimmed lights, maybe it’s the starry sky outside, or maybe it’s the feeling of being under a fort too small for two with memories hanging from the ceiling, fairy lights almost enough to warm Nayoung’s cold cheeks, but she’s suddenly filled with this overwhelming urge to fall in love.

And she looks to her left and finds Sejeong’s eyes shining in laughter at all the stories she’s telling and thinks, maybe it’s just Sejeong in general.

A/N:

This is so late, I'm so sorry. Writer's block and laziness can be real es sometimes. The next two chapters will be present chapters too. Hope you liked this